FLASH BAM ALAKAZAM!

Spidey: Where the hell have you been?
UniCorn: On the road. It’s not easy to be a chess champion’s fiancée, I tell you. There are groupies in every freaking town!
Spidey: *looking at her in disbelief* Of course you’re kidding.
UniCorn: No I’m not. You wouldn’t believe how little self-respect some women have when they meet a famous person.
Matt: Hi Uni. Happy New Year.
UniCorn: Matt! Honey! Happy New Year. Let me hug you!

UniCorn practically bulldozes Spidey out of her way and leaps into Matt’s arms and holds on tightly and then she kisses him on each cheek. Matt pats her on her back and smiles politely. Spidey watches the incident and then snorts loudly.

Spidey: Yeah, you wouldn’t believe how pathetic some people behave at times.
Matt: Fri is in the bedroom. She’s been talking about you non stop for days now.
Spidey: Fortunately we have earplugs so we have tuned her out.
Matt: Spidey…
UniCorn: Why is she in the bedroom?
Spidey: Ha ha ha!
Matt: Well…
Spidey: Poet laureate is not what springs to mind.
Matt: It’s a New Year’s resolution. She’ll explain if you ask her.
UniCorn: What did you do for New Year’s?
Spidey: Later. Our series is on.
Matt: Yeah, later.

UniCorn walks into the bedroom and finds FridayNext in deep concentration looking out the window from the bed. UniCorn yammers on for seconds before she realises that FridayNext has her mp3 player on and is oblivious to UniCorn’s rantings.

UniCorn: Oi! Pull the plug on the music. I’m in the house!
FridayNext: Uni! Uni! Uni!

Minutes go by with screaming, giggling, hugging and erratic behaviour.

UniCorn: What are you up to?
FridayNext: I’m trying to get a hold of my emotions by writing down my thoughts.
UniCorn: Sounds awfully boring.
FridayNext: It is. But I’ve come up with a poem.
UniCorn: Have the boys read it?
FridayNext: Not it’s its entirety. Wanna read it?
UniCorn: Sure.

Ode to Bike

It’s been two days
And I have missed you terribly
I find you safe and sound in the dark cellar
White despite the grime
With grey V-shaped stripes
And grippin’ handlebars

I love you so much
When we go on our rides every day
From Monday to Friday
Oh and that’s my name as well!
We become one
Ewwwwwwwwww

Pedalling and pedalling
Lights on and off
The hour each way gives me time
To wonder about the great and small things in life
I have known J-Man for more than nine months now
By now he ought to have borne our child

We rarely argue
Usually we agree on the speed
And you have eight of them – kickin’
I can back-pedal which is a lot of fun
But J-Man refuses to try you
Probably scared to fall head over heels in love with you

I’m sorry I yelled at you the other day
But I had on my kick-ass bike helmet
Ready to get pumped for an hour
And then you go against synchronicity
Forcing me on a train
Dorky looking and carrying duck food by hand

Still….
I love you
I love J-Man
I love UniCorn
I love Spidey
I tolerate Matt...

UniCorn: Aw, you love me! I love you!
FridayNext: We love each other!
UniCorn: So…
FridayNext: Yeah…
UniCorn: New year.
FridayNext: Yeah.
UniCorn: ChessBoy is famous now.
FridayNext: What’s it like?
UniCorn: Awful!
FridayNext: Yeah. Unbelievably annoying when people grope your man.
UniCorn: Hint taken!
FridayNext: Kidding! You can grope Matt whenever!

Matt: What if she asks us again?
Spidey: Ignore her.
Matt: That’s rude.
Spidey: Just…hug her and she’ll forget all about it. Shhhh, I want to see this.

UniCorn: Did they play with the Flexi-Trax?
FridayNext: Did they ever! There’ve been tracks all over the place.
UniCorn: What did they do for New Year?
FridayNext: Dunno.
UniCorn: What did you do?
FridayNext: Went to bed.
UniCorn: Oh.
FridayNext: A-n-y-w-a-y! There’s a reception at work!
UniCorn: So?
FridayNext: J-Man and Ace will be there!
UniCorn: Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?
FridayNext: Well, if you’re not sure if you’d like to come, I won’t ask you…
UniCorn: Maaahh haaaahhh! Can I grope them?
FridayNext: The only reason they’re invited is so I can grope them.
UniCorn: And me!
FridayNext: It’s always about you, honey.
UniCorn: Darling.
FridayNext: Okay, you can grope them. But let me grope them first.

UniCorn: Hi Boys.
Spidey: You’re talking!
UniCorn: Sherlock! So you didn’t stay in on New Year’s?
Matt: Come and sit here on the sofa with me, Uni.
UniCorn: Sure! So where did you go?
Spidey: I can’t hear what they’re saying!
Matt: Just here and there. And you?
UniCorn: With ChessBoy at some lame convention. Did you see fireworks?
Spidey: Oh woman, it’s New Year’s. Of course we saw fireworks!
UniCorn: Look, I’m trying to coax the truth out of you guys so stop being so rude!
Spidey: You can’t handle the truth!
Matt: And I’m the corny one?
Spidey: I’ll give you that one. It’s too far out.
UniCorn: So where did you go?
Matt: We just hung out with some people. That’s all.
UniCorn: Who? Were they nice?
Spidey: Nice? Men are not “nice”. We got drunk and then we went home. That’s all.
UniCorn: Drunk?
Matt: Oh, my cell…
Spidey: You probably got drunk New Year’s. Why shouldn’t we?
Matt: Hi Ken!
UniCorn: *gasping* Oh my god!
Matt: Hang on…

Matt leaves the room and lets Spidey come up with a plan of how to avoid UniCorn’s numerous questions. Meanwhile FridayNext is in the bedroom hoping that the Nobel Prize Literature committee will call her.