FridayNext: Matt! Matt! Where are you? Matt?
Spidey: Pipe down. He’s not here.
FridayNext: Where is he?
Spidey: Dunno. What’s wrong?
FridayNext closes the front door and drops her bags on the floor. Spidey blows his nose dramatically and shows her the contents. She frowns and goes ewww. Then she takes off her jacket and boots. Spidey doesn’t move but concentrates on the contents FridayNext wasn’t too impressed by.
Spidey: I got your cold.
FridayNext: You can thank me later. I bought dinner.
Spidey: Thought we were low on cash.
FridayNext: Yup. Used my VISA.
Spidey: Did you go to the supermarket?
FridayNext: Oh Spidey!
Spidey: *sighing* Oh no. I don’t want to hear this!
Spidey heads for the living room, but FridayNext graps his right shoulder and drags him backwards. He loses his footing and feels a sneeze come on.
Spidey: Atchhooo!
FridayNext: No!
Spidey: Ha ha, you look ridiculous!
She is covered in his web from head to toe and it looks like she’s being held captive in a giant net of spaghetti. He laughs out loud and then another sneeze is on its way and once again he loses control over his wrists but this time the net lands on himself.
FridayNext: Ha ha back at you! You so deserved that.
Spidey: No! Oh it’s disgusting! It’s wet and gooey.
FridayNext: Well, Sherlock. That’s how we feel every time you web us.
She takes one bag to the kitchen and orders Spidey to follow her with the other bag. He blows his nose and mumbles incoherently.
FridayNext: So I went to the supermarket!
Spidey: Tell Uni!
FridayNext: She’s not in. And I bought all this stuff. Healthy stuff because I can’t live like a pig any longer.
Spidey: And just in case that Ken would be at the check out…
FridayNext: Not entirely. Partly. Yes. However, he wasn’t. So I stand there and put my stuff in the bags. There are lots of people queuing.
Spidey: Fascinating. Never thought it would happen. And in a supermarket! Is this for real?!
FridayNext: Stop being sarcastic. So I bag and bag and suddenly, out of nowhere…
Spidey: *sarcastic* Please tell me that J-Man came in because that would just make my day over and over, and isn’t he just dreamy?
FridayNext: Oh J-Man!
Spidey: Stop it, woman!
FridayNext: Remind me that I have to tell you something about J-Man!
Spidey: Sure. Noted it on my imaginary whiteboard…
FridayNext: Ken comes striding through one of the queues. Oh Spidey, he’s strutting no end and I stand there…helmet on, sweating and goofy smile. And of course he walks past me but then one of the staff speaks to him!
Spidey: Oh my gawd! And still, I’m so totally not interested!
FridayNext: Sure you are! And the staff says something like: Oh Ken…
Spidey: Oh Ken, I wanna maaaaaarrrrryyyyyy you!
FridayNext: Not like that! Be serious for a second! Oh Ken, I hear that you’re off now. And Ken walks past him – like he did me – no eye contact or anything – but he shows his bum and lean…lean…lean…body. Where was I?
Spidey: Does it matter?
FridayNext: I remember now. And Ken – oh, he has a great comeback for the question. He says: chill, okay? I haven’t fucking left yet. And then he goes back into wherever he has his office and I stand there and gawk and you know what? His hair in the back is short. I like that. I like that a lot.
Spidey: Basically you lust after the most rude and incompetent manager I have ever heard of.
FridayNext: But his hair! Weren’t you listening? And his body is lean.
Spidey: Honey…
FridayNext: Oh, I don’t like that tone…
Spidey: And I like it even less to be the bearer of bad news. But have you ever even looked at Matt?
FridayNext: I see him everyday. When I go to bed, there he is. When I wake up in the middle of the night, there he is. When I wake up in the morning, there he is. When I come home from work, there he is. Well, except for today. I see him all the time.
Spidey: You ignore what you see. Have you noticed how trim he is? And he’s been doing something to his hair lately that even I have noticed.
FridayNext: What?
Spidey: Moussed it or cut it. I don’t know! I’m not that focused on him!
FridayNext: And I’m not gay, you know!
Spidey: I can’t talk to you right now.
FridayNext: Oi, don’t go! I still haven’t told you about J-Man.
Spidey: *sighing* You have one minute.
FridayNext: I emailed him today…
Spidey: Of course you did. Because only last week you found out that you would no longer tolerate being ignored and you would only focus on the small things in life that make you feel good. So of course you go back to the pattern that hasn’t given you anything but heartache so far.
FridayNext: Have you finished yet?
Spidey: Could you at least cook while you ramble? I’m hungry.
FridayNext: Deal. I’m also hungry. So I email him. Not much, just a line and after a couple of hours he replies.
Spidey: What is this?
FridayNext: Minced chicken. It’s healthy and tastes delicious.
Spidey: Please don’t do the psycho-chicken song!
FridayNext: Okay. Then you can chop onions.
The kitchen soon gets warmed up from the pots. Spidey chops onions and makes a big scene of watery eyes. FridayNext stands with her back to him and works on vegetables and meat. She giggles and points fingers at him now and again and he tries to control his web whenever he sneezes.
FridayNext: Oh J-Man. I forgot all about that. You know, he was really sweet today.
Spidey: How was he sweet?
FridayNext: He replied to my non work related emails and he joked. He said that his body was still on autumn time. It hadn’t registered it was winter yet.
Spidey: It’s stuff that we talk about, Fri.
FridayNext: Yeah. It’s just. Just. It’s just nice and normal and he’s got a great sense of humour.
Spidey: Like we do.
FridayNext: He’s a good man, Spidey.
Spidey: Unlike Ken?
FridayNext: They both look great, but their behaviour…it’s like seeing black and white materialised.
Spidey: But you’re home now.
FridayNext: Yeah.
The front door opens and Matt comes in. He’s wet from the rain. He has his running outfit on. He takes off his shoes and looks up at Spidey and FridayNext who watch him from the kitchen.
Matt: Hey.
Spidey: Yo.
FridayNext: Hi sweetness.
Matt: *smiling broadly* Hi honey.
FridayNext: Been out running?
Matt: Yeah.
FridayNext: Long?
Matt: Oh, not too long. Been gone for an hour.
FridayNext: That’s long.
Matt: Well.
Spidey: I’ve sneezed into the food so you can all get sick.
Matt: That sounds great.
FridayNext: Yeah.
Spidey: Oh puhleaze! Go chill and I’ll finish this. We eat in fifteen minutes.
Matt & FridayNext in UniSon: Okay.
In the living room FridayNext scoots over to Matt on the sofa.
FridayNext: You know my bike?
Matt: Intensely. What about it?
FridayNext: I loved that you cleaned it.
Matt: You’re welcome.
FridayNext: But I have muddied it already.
Matt: Well, I can clean it again if you want.
FridayNext: Will you do that for me?
Matt: Sure, sweetie!
FridayNext: Will you do another thing for me?
Matt: Anything!
FridayNext: You need a shower before we eat.
Matt: I’ll think up something really evil to get even with you for this one, hon.
FridayNext: I know. I need to be punished, darling.
Matt: Shut up.
FridayNext: No, I mean it. Punishment is good.
Matt giggles on his way into the bathroom. FridayNext smiles to herself and looks sheepish when Spidey comes into the living room.
Spidey: Somehow you ruined it, didn’t you?
FridayNext: This is what I do. I’m sorry. He’s not a bastard, and he doesn’t ignore me. I can’t love somebody like that.
Spidey: You’re insane!
FridayNext: I know. Is dinner ready?
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
What I Do and Others Don’t
Yesterday it snowed. It came down from the heavens (how many are there?) above and I was forced to take the train and not my darling bike to work. A bit miffed at that, however, I tried to enjoy the snow. I’ve always loved snow, but when the weather gods heard about it they of course made sure that it should only be a rare treat so now it barely snows a couple of times during winter. I guess they know that I usually gorge on anything I like and they wanted to avoid giving snow a bad name; avoiding kids pointing fingers at me, yelling: oi, you got fat from snow, you sheep!
So it snowed yesterday and it was amazing and beautiful and lovely and after days off work, I had loads of emails to concentrate on. I was at work well before 7.30 am because I’m just that anal retentive. And I looked out of the window and watched the snow and then I focused on my screen and saw an email from J-Man.
J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man
Some people know him as
DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man
DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man
Some lucky person probably knows him as
Honey darling sweetheart sweetness sweetie lover okay this is too painful!
As usual he was very sincere and quiet and goddammit so not into me! I replied and apologised for not getting back to him earlier – and then it hit me! How can you put a smile on a business partner’s lips without losing his respect? I didn’t stop and contemplate the possible aftermath of my coming doings. Instead I put on my coat and ran to the metro.
From my early impromptu visit I now knew exactly where the office was so I practically ran to get there in time. It had to be over and done with before he came to work. Still haven’t figured out when he comes in. Probably later than me; surely later than me. At least he never emails me before 10. Sometimes 11 or 12. Some days never. Does that mean that he’s not in the office?
It came back to me the minute I bent down and put together a snowball. Oh the fun times as a kid… But afraid of running short of time (and breath) I worked hard on the snowball so it turned into the first ball for a snowman. Oh it looked great! Pedestrians smiled and/or frowned. I couldn’t tell which. They were mostly covered up in hats and hoods and scarves. I didn’t care. I pushed another snowball into a huge torso and accidentally knocked off some pedestrians from the pavement, but then you are bound to lose some personnel during a battle, aren’t you? And then the head.
I’ve never been good at arts and handicraft, but I put all my efforts and energy and lack of talent into this project and I was quite happy with the result in the end. Standing there in front of the big beautiful snowman made me realise how special I am. Indeed, who would ever make such a gesture for a business partner except for me?
Wet and cold from the snow, I took my running nose and went back to work on the metro. And then I waited in my warm office. And waited…
Ace: What the fuck…
J-Man: I know.
Ace: How did you get in?
J-Man: I had to squeeze past it.
Ace: Kids! Why build a snowman right on our doorstep?
J-Man: It’ll melt soon.
Ace: Yeah. Did you see?
J-Man: What?
Ace: It’s anatomically correct.
J-Man: What do you mean?
Ace walks to the window and waves over J-Man. He points down to the snowman.
J-Man: Oh!
Ace: *giggles* Yeah, massive!
J-Man: Kids.
J-Man returns to his desk and sits down in front of his new Mac, he’s still in love with. Ace lingers at the window while he takes off his coat. He squints and then looks at J-Man.
Ace: Y’know…
J-Man: Mmm?
Ace: There’s something about that snowman…
J-Man: Would it be okay if I put on some music? I need summery music when it’s this cold outside.
Ace: Sure.
Silence
Ace: It looks like you, J.
J-Man: What does?
Ace: The snowman.
J-Man: *mumbling to himself* I can’t find the cd. Didn’t I put it in my jacket when I left this morning?
Ace: Okay, it’s freaking me out now. You need to come over and see. Perhaps it’s just me.
J-Man: Darn, I forgot the cd! Do you have any music on your computer we can listen to?
Ace: Sure. But come on over and see the snowman before it melts!
They both stand by the window and turn their heads to the left, then to the right, then to the left and back to centre.
Ace: It’s spooky.
J-Man: I really can’t see it, A.
Ace: Look, the forehead. The nose. Your mouth, it’s all there! And the upper body…that’s not kids’ work.
J-Man: Well, how about that music?
Ace: It’s a message to you, J.
J-Man: *giggles* And what does it say?
Ace: It says: ‘I’m cuckoo and beyond rescue.’
J-Man: Me or the person who built it?
Ace: *frowns and keeps looking at the snowman* Who do we know that would do such a thing?
J-Man: If you’re too busy to turn on your computer, I can do it for you? I would really appreciate some music now.
Ace: We both know the answer.
J-Man: Hey, I didn’t know you had so much music on your disk. You surprise me, A!
Ace: Could it be Friday?
J-Man: What about her?
Ace: Does she ever write you…emails?
J-Man: Sure she does.
Ace: I mean…emails!
J-Man: Sure she does!
They both giggle and Ace hangs his coat and goes to his desk. A classic from the summer chart wells out of his computer and J-Man sits by his Mac again and begins the projects of the day.
…And waited. Nothing. Absolutely freakin’ nothing. That’s how appreciative GraphicDesignBoy is. So of course I got pissed and returned to my tasks and pretended to forget all about him. At least for some time.
But it made me think about the difference between me and everybody else. What I do and others don’t.
When J-Man gets upset…does he ever get upset? Does he ever lose his footing?
I doubt that he
So it snowed yesterday and it was amazing and beautiful and lovely and after days off work, I had loads of emails to concentrate on. I was at work well before 7.30 am because I’m just that anal retentive. And I looked out of the window and watched the snow and then I focused on my screen and saw an email from J-Man.
J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man J-Man
Some people know him as
DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man
DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man DJ-Man
Some lucky person probably knows him as
Honey darling sweetheart sweetness sweetie lover okay this is too painful!
As usual he was very sincere and quiet and goddammit so not into me! I replied and apologised for not getting back to him earlier – and then it hit me! How can you put a smile on a business partner’s lips without losing his respect? I didn’t stop and contemplate the possible aftermath of my coming doings. Instead I put on my coat and ran to the metro.
From my early impromptu visit I now knew exactly where the office was so I practically ran to get there in time. It had to be over and done with before he came to work. Still haven’t figured out when he comes in. Probably later than me; surely later than me. At least he never emails me before 10. Sometimes 11 or 12. Some days never. Does that mean that he’s not in the office?
It came back to me the minute I bent down and put together a snowball. Oh the fun times as a kid… But afraid of running short of time (and breath) I worked hard on the snowball so it turned into the first ball for a snowman. Oh it looked great! Pedestrians smiled and/or frowned. I couldn’t tell which. They were mostly covered up in hats and hoods and scarves. I didn’t care. I pushed another snowball into a huge torso and accidentally knocked off some pedestrians from the pavement, but then you are bound to lose some personnel during a battle, aren’t you? And then the head.
I’ve never been good at arts and handicraft, but I put all my efforts and energy and lack of talent into this project and I was quite happy with the result in the end. Standing there in front of the big beautiful snowman made me realise how special I am. Indeed, who would ever make such a gesture for a business partner except for me?
Wet and cold from the snow, I took my running nose and went back to work on the metro. And then I waited in my warm office. And waited…
Ace: What the fuck…
J-Man: I know.
Ace: How did you get in?
J-Man: I had to squeeze past it.
Ace: Kids! Why build a snowman right on our doorstep?
J-Man: It’ll melt soon.
Ace: Yeah. Did you see?
J-Man: What?
Ace: It’s anatomically correct.
J-Man: What do you mean?
Ace walks to the window and waves over J-Man. He points down to the snowman.
J-Man: Oh!
Ace: *giggles* Yeah, massive!
J-Man: Kids.
J-Man returns to his desk and sits down in front of his new Mac, he’s still in love with. Ace lingers at the window while he takes off his coat. He squints and then looks at J-Man.
Ace: Y’know…
J-Man: Mmm?
Ace: There’s something about that snowman…
J-Man: Would it be okay if I put on some music? I need summery music when it’s this cold outside.
Ace: Sure.
Silence
Ace: It looks like you, J.
J-Man: What does?
Ace: The snowman.
J-Man: *mumbling to himself* I can’t find the cd. Didn’t I put it in my jacket when I left this morning?
Ace: Okay, it’s freaking me out now. You need to come over and see. Perhaps it’s just me.
J-Man: Darn, I forgot the cd! Do you have any music on your computer we can listen to?
Ace: Sure. But come on over and see the snowman before it melts!
They both stand by the window and turn their heads to the left, then to the right, then to the left and back to centre.
Ace: It’s spooky.
J-Man: I really can’t see it, A.
Ace: Look, the forehead. The nose. Your mouth, it’s all there! And the upper body…that’s not kids’ work.
J-Man: Well, how about that music?
Ace: It’s a message to you, J.
J-Man: *giggles* And what does it say?
Ace: It says: ‘I’m cuckoo and beyond rescue.’
J-Man: Me or the person who built it?
Ace: *frowns and keeps looking at the snowman* Who do we know that would do such a thing?
J-Man: If you’re too busy to turn on your computer, I can do it for you? I would really appreciate some music now.
Ace: We both know the answer.
J-Man: Hey, I didn’t know you had so much music on your disk. You surprise me, A!
Ace: Could it be Friday?
J-Man: What about her?
Ace: Does she ever write you…emails?
J-Man: Sure she does.
Ace: I mean…emails!
J-Man: Sure she does!
They both giggle and Ace hangs his coat and goes to his desk. A classic from the summer chart wells out of his computer and J-Man sits by his Mac again and begins the projects of the day.
…And waited. Nothing. Absolutely freakin’ nothing. That’s how appreciative GraphicDesignBoy is. So of course I got pissed and returned to my tasks and pretended to forget all about him. At least for some time.
But it made me think about the difference between me and everybody else. What I do and others don’t.
When J-Man gets upset…does he ever get upset? Does he ever lose his footing?
I doubt that he
- ends up in the local supermarket with a basket full of bad food if he’s heartbroken
- has ever been heartbroken
- falls in love with Ken’s female counterpart
- falls in love with a business partner and/or co-worker
- has ever stalked somebody
- ever gets so mad at somebody that he wants the person exterminated
- feels let down now and again
- feeds the duck in the park
- obsesses over a jigsaw puzzle
- chats up the local taxi booker
Somehow I don’t see him living with an imaginary boyfriend and a playmate, either. At least my bike and UniCorn are real. Real real real.
Saturday, 24 November 2007
All the Small Things in Life
I agree with Guest Speaker. It’s all about the small things in life when you can’t have the big stuff you dream about. So I’ve been on a mission the last couple of days. How to find the small but great things in life that made a difference during the day. There are some episodes that I didn’t manage to document so you need to trust me.
How many loops can you take before you hurl? The answer is: six. Uni and I went to an amusement park the other day and a normal ride has three loops but we were treated to an extra turn and thus looped six times within two minutes. It was a lot of fun being turned upside down although I kept my eyes shut most of the time.
Spidey: How come you don’t think it’s funny when I do it?
FridayNext: Lack of harness and precautions!
Matt: Ha ha, she got you there!
Spidey: Moving on…
Another rollercoaster ride got my attention when one of the staff high fived me every time we drove past him. Counting backwards, it must have been eight times or so. I held out my arm, waved my gloved hand in the air and he high fived me.
FridayNext: He high fived me!
UniCorn: AAAAAHHHHHHH!
FridayNext: Oh, downhill….AAAHHHH!
UniCorn: He high fived you?
FridayNext: He high fived me!
UniCorn: Oh my gawd!
FridayNext: Indeed!
UniCorn: Kickin’.
FridayNext: AAAHHH!
UniCorn: AAAHHH!
FridayNext: Will he do it again?
UniCorn: Try.
FridayNext: He high fived me again!
UniCorn: WWWHHHHEEEEEEE!
FridayNext: OOOOOHHHHHHHHH!
UniCorn: That was sweet of him!
FridayNext: He’s great. I love him.
UniCorn: He’s only 14, Fri!
FridayNext: Noooo! AAAAAHHHHH!
UniCorn: WWWHHHHEEEEE!
FridayNext: You gotta be 16 to work this kind of ride.
UniCorn: So?
FridayNext: So that works for me.
In UniSon: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
The intellectual pinnacle of the evening was when Uni realised a flaw in the fight against terrorism.
UniCorn: You can always poop and then use the sharp turd against the captain.
FridayNext: Sharp turd?
UniCorn: Yeah. I have a sharp turd and I’m not afraid to use it.
FridayNext: *giggling and snorting simultaneously*
Matt: I very much doubt Uni would say a thing like that.
Spidey: A turd cannot be sharp.
FridayNext: Oh Sherlock! That’s why it’s so funny!
Matt: Show us the seagull!
Right, I saw a seagull the other day when I copied the guest speaker and went to the local pond to feed the ducks. There were barely any ducks there, but there were gulls all over the place. I took pictures of them all. One of them stood on one leg and that was kind of fun. Then it spread out its wings and flew and…oh my gawd, it only had one leg! So that birdie is now in my scrap book for being the coolest birdie ever.
Spidey: Well, I’m bored…
FridayNext: No, you’re not!
Matt: If you’re bored, you can help with the jigsaw puzzle.
Spidey: How lame do you think I am?!
Spidey: It’s like the decoration on the front door. What is that all about?
FridayNext: People feel good when they see something green.
Spidey: The entire door is green. You’re green. Everything in the flat is green. Enough with the green already!
Spidey looks at me directly. I should not have told him my secret. I haven’t told Matt. The other day I went to the supermarket. I had been out biking for two hours and I went home to change before I went to the supermarket. Well, my hair was a mess and I didn’t have on any makeup. Basically I was too sweaty to enter a supermarket even for my taste and I needed to return 50 empty bottles for cash because I’m that low on money this month. So ruffled hair and white as a maggot I went inside and steered for the bottle machine thingy (sorry about the technical terms) and fed it all my empty cola bottles.
Who comes out (!) of the door and zooms past me? He orders one of the girls to do something. He doesn’t bark or yell, just tells her in a firm voice. Firm… I manage to focus on the machine so it doesn’t spew and then I waddle up and down the various aisles until… He is putting heavy groceries on shelves. Top shelves. He stretches. Oh my gawd! He’s lean alright. And no bum.
Spidey: So he’s bottomless?
FridayNext: Rather that than crotch less.
Silence
In UniSon: Disgusting!
I know there’s a goofy smile on my face. I walk past him and try gawking as little as possible. He doesn’t notice me. I contemplate whether I should walk down that aisle again and again and again and again… It would of course make better sense if I could ever build up the nerve to say hi. But I’m afraid he would just look at me as if I were from a different planet and if he decided to say something to me it would be something like: fuck off, woman!
Spidey: You like men that are so not worthy of your interest.
FridayNext: He looks great.
Spidey: Would he ever bring you toast in bed?
FridayNext: Look, you did that only once and you ate most of it yourself.
Spidey: Whatever.
So, small things in life can make a difference. It was great seeing Ken. Wish he’d notice me but at least it’s a treat to see him now and again. I loved the amusement park, but then I’m a sucker for Uni any day.
Matt: Honey?
FridayNext: Yeah?
Matt: How about a bike ride?
FridayNext: Now?
Matt: Yeah. I want to show you something.
So we go downstairs and…
FridayNext: It’s my bike!
Matt: It is.
FridayNext: It’s clean!
Matt: It is.
FridayNext: You’ve cleaned it!
Matt: That’s right.
FridayNext: Ohhhhhh Matt!
Spidey: Ooooooohhhh puke!
How could I forget to include my bike on the list of small things in life that make me happy? I love it. I love it more than…than…over and out.
How many loops can you take before you hurl? The answer is: six. Uni and I went to an amusement park the other day and a normal ride has three loops but we were treated to an extra turn and thus looped six times within two minutes. It was a lot of fun being turned upside down although I kept my eyes shut most of the time.
Spidey: How come you don’t think it’s funny when I do it?
FridayNext: Lack of harness and precautions!
Matt: Ha ha, she got you there!
Spidey: Moving on…
Another rollercoaster ride got my attention when one of the staff high fived me every time we drove past him. Counting backwards, it must have been eight times or so. I held out my arm, waved my gloved hand in the air and he high fived me.
FridayNext: He high fived me!
UniCorn: AAAAAHHHHHHH!
FridayNext: Oh, downhill….AAAHHHH!
UniCorn: He high fived you?
FridayNext: He high fived me!
UniCorn: Oh my gawd!
FridayNext: Indeed!
UniCorn: Kickin’.
FridayNext: AAAHHH!
UniCorn: AAAHHH!
FridayNext: Will he do it again?
UniCorn: Try.
FridayNext: He high fived me again!
UniCorn: WWWHHHHEEEEEEE!
FridayNext: OOOOOHHHHHHHHH!
UniCorn: That was sweet of him!
FridayNext: He’s great. I love him.
UniCorn: He’s only 14, Fri!
FridayNext: Noooo! AAAAAHHHHH!
UniCorn: WWWHHHHEEEEE!
FridayNext: You gotta be 16 to work this kind of ride.
UniCorn: So?
FridayNext: So that works for me.
In UniSon: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
The intellectual pinnacle of the evening was when Uni realised a flaw in the fight against terrorism.
UniCorn: You can always poop and then use the sharp turd against the captain.
FridayNext: Sharp turd?
UniCorn: Yeah. I have a sharp turd and I’m not afraid to use it.
FridayNext: *giggling and snorting simultaneously*
Matt: I very much doubt Uni would say a thing like that.
Spidey: A turd cannot be sharp.
FridayNext: Oh Sherlock! That’s why it’s so funny!
Matt: Show us the seagull!
Right, I saw a seagull the other day when I copied the guest speaker and went to the local pond to feed the ducks. There were barely any ducks there, but there were gulls all over the place. I took pictures of them all. One of them stood on one leg and that was kind of fun. Then it spread out its wings and flew and…oh my gawd, it only had one leg! So that birdie is now in my scrap book for being the coolest birdie ever.
Spidey: Well, I’m bored…
FridayNext: No, you’re not!
Matt: If you’re bored, you can help with the jigsaw puzzle.
Spidey: How lame do you think I am?!
Spidey: It’s like the decoration on the front door. What is that all about?
FridayNext: People feel good when they see something green.
Spidey: The entire door is green. You’re green. Everything in the flat is green. Enough with the green already!
Spidey looks at me directly. I should not have told him my secret. I haven’t told Matt. The other day I went to the supermarket. I had been out biking for two hours and I went home to change before I went to the supermarket. Well, my hair was a mess and I didn’t have on any makeup. Basically I was too sweaty to enter a supermarket even for my taste and I needed to return 50 empty bottles for cash because I’m that low on money this month. So ruffled hair and white as a maggot I went inside and steered for the bottle machine thingy (sorry about the technical terms) and fed it all my empty cola bottles.
Who comes out (!) of the door and zooms past me? He orders one of the girls to do something. He doesn’t bark or yell, just tells her in a firm voice. Firm… I manage to focus on the machine so it doesn’t spew and then I waddle up and down the various aisles until… He is putting heavy groceries on shelves. Top shelves. He stretches. Oh my gawd! He’s lean alright. And no bum.
Spidey: So he’s bottomless?
FridayNext: Rather that than crotch less.
Silence
In UniSon: Disgusting!
I know there’s a goofy smile on my face. I walk past him and try gawking as little as possible. He doesn’t notice me. I contemplate whether I should walk down that aisle again and again and again and again… It would of course make better sense if I could ever build up the nerve to say hi. But I’m afraid he would just look at me as if I were from a different planet and if he decided to say something to me it would be something like: fuck off, woman!
Spidey: You like men that are so not worthy of your interest.
FridayNext: He looks great.
Spidey: Would he ever bring you toast in bed?
FridayNext: Look, you did that only once and you ate most of it yourself.
Spidey: Whatever.
So, small things in life can make a difference. It was great seeing Ken. Wish he’d notice me but at least it’s a treat to see him now and again. I loved the amusement park, but then I’m a sucker for Uni any day.
Matt: Honey?
FridayNext: Yeah?
Matt: How about a bike ride?
FridayNext: Now?
Matt: Yeah. I want to show you something.
So we go downstairs and…
FridayNext: It’s my bike!
Matt: It is.
FridayNext: It’s clean!
Matt: It is.
FridayNext: You’ve cleaned it!
Matt: That’s right.
FridayNext: Ohhhhhh Matt!
Spidey: Ooooooohhhh puke!
How could I forget to include my bike on the list of small things in life that make me happy? I love it. I love it more than…than…over and out.
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
Guest Speaker: How to Achieve Serenity
This time I haven’t been invited to give a talk. Apparently I upset too many important people the last (and indeed the first) time it happened. Obviously this blog is only interested in sex if it can be Barbara Cartland style (oh-my-gawd, Snoreville!) or “this man doesn’t like me in any way and therefore I want to spend the rest of my life with him and imagine him nude at every meeting, email or rare phone conversation” fashion. This time I have hacked into the main blog and taken over password and login for as long as it takes me to broadcast an important statement.
Life is a bumpy ride and there is no law that says that you should wear a crash helmet. You can go about it as reckless as you like, you can crash and burn, you can live life on the edge, you can be the most careful person that ever trod the face of the earth. Nobody will test you or ask you if you would rather live your life differently.
The point is that life is what you put into it. If you want to put J-Man or Ken into it, that’s fine, but be prepared that another person has his/her own agenda and it may collide with yours. Interaction with people is essentially fun and sometimes painful but more importantly it entails unpredictability. You can be swept away, pushed around or fall head over heels. Take your precautions. As much as you love somebody, don’t put yourself aside and believe that you will be awarded for your selflessness unless you look for a career in the religious business.
In other words:
Don’t run around like a headless chicken
Don’t network for others if there’s nothing in it for you
Let them solve whatever problem they have – it’s not like they offer their help when you have a problem
The most difficult one however is not to let anyone knock you so much off your feet that you lose your footing. Nobody deserves that kind of attention from you apart from yourself.
The trick is to find small havens of freedom and tranquillity and happiness. Perhaps a crash helmet isn’t necessary then. Small steps at a time and remember that nobody will thank you for dying from stress and anxiety.
With these words it’s time to leave you with my small treasures of serenity and hand over the blog to the rightful owners.
A cat can drive you nuts, love you beyond belief and leave you devastated after 18.5 years together
Feeding ducks in the park whether it’s summer or autumn
Beauty and a sense of humour in architecture can leave a smile on your lips whenever you see it
Life is a bumpy ride and there is no law that says that you should wear a crash helmet. You can go about it as reckless as you like, you can crash and burn, you can live life on the edge, you can be the most careful person that ever trod the face of the earth. Nobody will test you or ask you if you would rather live your life differently.
The point is that life is what you put into it. If you want to put J-Man or Ken into it, that’s fine, but be prepared that another person has his/her own agenda and it may collide with yours. Interaction with people is essentially fun and sometimes painful but more importantly it entails unpredictability. You can be swept away, pushed around or fall head over heels. Take your precautions. As much as you love somebody, don’t put yourself aside and believe that you will be awarded for your selflessness unless you look for a career in the religious business.
In other words:
Don’t run around like a headless chicken
Don’t network for others if there’s nothing in it for you
Let them solve whatever problem they have – it’s not like they offer their help when you have a problem
The most difficult one however is not to let anyone knock you so much off your feet that you lose your footing. Nobody deserves that kind of attention from you apart from yourself.
The trick is to find small havens of freedom and tranquillity and happiness. Perhaps a crash helmet isn’t necessary then. Small steps at a time and remember that nobody will thank you for dying from stress and anxiety.
With these words it’s time to leave you with my small treasures of serenity and hand over the blog to the rightful owners.
A cat can drive you nuts, love you beyond belief and leave you devastated after 18.5 years together
Feeding ducks in the park whether it’s summer or autumn
Beauty and a sense of humour in architecture can leave a smile on your lips whenever you see it
Watching a nephew grow up can put life into perspective
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
Unauthorised Interruption: When Credit’s Long Overdue
This morning I got out of bed with a mood swing the size of London Eye on my back, just waiting to happen. It’s been building up for a long time. We’re not talking hours, days or weeks. Not even months. It’s been years.
Sanity flew over the cuckoo’s nest last week but I pretended all was well. It began with an innocent remark and somebody blew it out of proportions and now it’s this huge monkey (would that be a gorilla?) that I can’t shake (why shake a monkey in the first place?).
Friday I was asked if my colleague would hang out at a local book fair during the weekend so Ace and J-Man could bump into her (code for: chat her up). I reacted all adult by replying Ace: How come you like her better than me? I never got an answer to that. However, I began to backtrack and saw a pattern emerge…
The dots are for building up suspense, in case you’re wondering…
…
Oh, that didn’t look right. Now it seems like I’ve left something out. It could be an important titbit that I just couldn’t bother to share with you. Now you will be thinking about that for the next couple of…nanoseconds.
I gorge on people I like. Look at me (scroll if my picture isn’t in sight): even on a good day I’m chubby and despite what Spidey would say, it’s not because of all the sweets, cakes and crisps I’ve devoured lately. Well, not entirely. When I like people, I would happily make all their problems disappear and hand over the world to them if I could. In return I would ask for absolutely nothing. This is how lame I get when I like people.
So I network to make people happy
And I name drop to make their projects happen
Furthermore I try and entertain them while I pine away dreaming about a future with kids and Sunday dinners at mum’s with J-Man being this fucking polite son-in-law that mum loves to bits and for Christmas she showers him with presents that he never knew that he wanted but now loves and he hugs her goodnight and finally her screwed up daughter has found somebody that isn’t as weird as she and even better, he has a great name and he’s not a Muslim and he speaks her language and he’s born to be likable and he honestly likes Cliff Richard so they have this great connection that her daughter has never had with her and everything is brilliant. Until she begins to ask for grandchildren.
Where was I before insanity took over...
I like, therefore I go bonkers. Okay, I’m back on track now.
What I do is running around in circles. You need help? I’m right here. Have you run out of time for your deadline? Let me help. My projects? Oh, I can work on them after hours or during the weekend or my holiday. No problem. You’re stressed today? Can I do something to alleviate that? You’re hot today (oh my gawd, he’s hot e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y!)? Here’s a scoop of ice cream through your email, hope you feel better now. You need whichever before the end of the day? I’ll fax, mail, bike, rocket it over to you immediately.
Anything to make your lives easier.
And in return for running around in circles is the prize: I’m now a headless chicken. And what do we do with headless chickens? We eat them. Psycho-chicken, gook gook gook gooook goooook (you need to youtube that song, otherwise it doesn’t make sense…otherwise????). But due to my chubbiness I’m too high in fat and cholesterol and therefore not one of the dishier dishes.
Or put more bluntly: I’m not the one people ask to see at the local book fair.
Despite the namedropping and networking and after hours work. However, if people can invoice me for it, then they like socialising with me.
And to top it all off:
To end a day of museum, lunch and spiffy conversation in a mixture of several foreign languages and hand gestures (because that’s how intellectual and complicated I am when I hang out with TheForeignWoman), I go to the supermarket on my way home from town.
I have on normal clothes for once. No helmet, no running nose, no smeared makeup (although that’s a killer look for me), no sense of humour. I try and catch a glimpse of the person behind the check out but all I can see is this head of short fair hair because somebody has the nerve to block my view with the excuse to pay for the items. Shesh. So I take a basket and go inside.
Somebody asks where the almonds are located. By the milk, is the short and brutish answer. I shop…and visualise where the almonds are. I like almonds, too well. A young man walks up to me, looks me in the eyes and asks me where the almonds are. Next aisle, I answer. Oh, he replies and when he finds them he yells hooray. I shop on.
There’s barely any customers in the supermarket this late. No lines and I put all my items up…and pay. And just then, in that second, I realise that Ken is behind the check out and I close my eyes and non verbally yell stupid stupid stupid and take my VISA back and am too surprised to put two words together and the world just crashes.
Of course I should have put two and two together when I heard the brutish answer. This is Ken’s trademark. Quiet, swift and if forced to speak: abrupt.
So I pick up my items. Stuff I need, stuff I crave, stuff I could live without. Here’s a run down:
Fresh pineapple (lovely)
Seedless grapes, green (sweet and lovely)
3 rolls of milk chocolate filled with soft toffee (for my imaginary sweet tooth that’s come too much into life recently)
4 litres of Pepsi Max (I’m addicted, help me somebody, I need intervention and stat)
Halls (sugar free) with orange, lemon and lime flavour (abnormally delish)
Pork rinds (disgusting!)
I put my stuff in a bag and I glance over at Ken midways. He’s occupied with customers. They’re so lucky! When I finish bagging it all, I take the bag and throw him another glance. This time he looks back and this time I am sure I get a reaction. It’s “what the hell are you looking at!”
I stand there with my bag full of goodies. In my best clothes because I knew I would be hanging out in intellectual and cool places all day. And I know that my hair looks great. Or at least not too haystacky.
And I wonder if he would like to go out with my colleague as well.
Dear Diary
Today I feel extremely lonely. But that’s okay. I am the most entertaining person I know so I can make myself giggle. Ha ha.
XXOO
FN
Sanity flew over the cuckoo’s nest last week but I pretended all was well. It began with an innocent remark and somebody blew it out of proportions and now it’s this huge monkey (would that be a gorilla?) that I can’t shake (why shake a monkey in the first place?).
Friday I was asked if my colleague would hang out at a local book fair during the weekend so Ace and J-Man could bump into her (code for: chat her up). I reacted all adult by replying Ace: How come you like her better than me? I never got an answer to that. However, I began to backtrack and saw a pattern emerge…
The dots are for building up suspense, in case you’re wondering…
…
Oh, that didn’t look right. Now it seems like I’ve left something out. It could be an important titbit that I just couldn’t bother to share with you. Now you will be thinking about that for the next couple of…nanoseconds.
I gorge on people I like. Look at me (scroll if my picture isn’t in sight): even on a good day I’m chubby and despite what Spidey would say, it’s not because of all the sweets, cakes and crisps I’ve devoured lately. Well, not entirely. When I like people, I would happily make all their problems disappear and hand over the world to them if I could. In return I would ask for absolutely nothing. This is how lame I get when I like people.
So I network to make people happy
And I name drop to make their projects happen
Furthermore I try and entertain them while I pine away dreaming about a future with kids and Sunday dinners at mum’s with J-Man being this fucking polite son-in-law that mum loves to bits and for Christmas she showers him with presents that he never knew that he wanted but now loves and he hugs her goodnight and finally her screwed up daughter has found somebody that isn’t as weird as she and even better, he has a great name and he’s not a Muslim and he speaks her language and he’s born to be likable and he honestly likes Cliff Richard so they have this great connection that her daughter has never had with her and everything is brilliant. Until she begins to ask for grandchildren.
Where was I before insanity took over...
I like, therefore I go bonkers. Okay, I’m back on track now.
What I do is running around in circles. You need help? I’m right here. Have you run out of time for your deadline? Let me help. My projects? Oh, I can work on them after hours or during the weekend or my holiday. No problem. You’re stressed today? Can I do something to alleviate that? You’re hot today (oh my gawd, he’s hot e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y!)? Here’s a scoop of ice cream through your email, hope you feel better now. You need whichever before the end of the day? I’ll fax, mail, bike, rocket it over to you immediately.
Anything to make your lives easier.
And in return for running around in circles is the prize: I’m now a headless chicken. And what do we do with headless chickens? We eat them. Psycho-chicken, gook gook gook gooook goooook (you need to youtube that song, otherwise it doesn’t make sense…otherwise????). But due to my chubbiness I’m too high in fat and cholesterol and therefore not one of the dishier dishes.
Or put more bluntly: I’m not the one people ask to see at the local book fair.
Despite the namedropping and networking and after hours work. However, if people can invoice me for it, then they like socialising with me.
And to top it all off:
To end a day of museum, lunch and spiffy conversation in a mixture of several foreign languages and hand gestures (because that’s how intellectual and complicated I am when I hang out with TheForeignWoman), I go to the supermarket on my way home from town.
I have on normal clothes for once. No helmet, no running nose, no smeared makeup (although that’s a killer look for me), no sense of humour. I try and catch a glimpse of the person behind the check out but all I can see is this head of short fair hair because somebody has the nerve to block my view with the excuse to pay for the items. Shesh. So I take a basket and go inside.
Somebody asks where the almonds are located. By the milk, is the short and brutish answer. I shop…and visualise where the almonds are. I like almonds, too well. A young man walks up to me, looks me in the eyes and asks me where the almonds are. Next aisle, I answer. Oh, he replies and when he finds them he yells hooray. I shop on.
There’s barely any customers in the supermarket this late. No lines and I put all my items up…and pay. And just then, in that second, I realise that Ken is behind the check out and I close my eyes and non verbally yell stupid stupid stupid and take my VISA back and am too surprised to put two words together and the world just crashes.
Of course I should have put two and two together when I heard the brutish answer. This is Ken’s trademark. Quiet, swift and if forced to speak: abrupt.
So I pick up my items. Stuff I need, stuff I crave, stuff I could live without. Here’s a run down:
Fresh pineapple (lovely)
Seedless grapes, green (sweet and lovely)
3 rolls of milk chocolate filled with soft toffee (for my imaginary sweet tooth that’s come too much into life recently)
4 litres of Pepsi Max (I’m addicted, help me somebody, I need intervention and stat)
Halls (sugar free) with orange, lemon and lime flavour (abnormally delish)
Pork rinds (disgusting!)
I put my stuff in a bag and I glance over at Ken midways. He’s occupied with customers. They’re so lucky! When I finish bagging it all, I take the bag and throw him another glance. This time he looks back and this time I am sure I get a reaction. It’s “what the hell are you looking at!”
I stand there with my bag full of goodies. In my best clothes because I knew I would be hanging out in intellectual and cool places all day. And I know that my hair looks great. Or at least not too haystacky.
And I wonder if he would like to go out with my colleague as well.
Dear Diary
Today I feel extremely lonely. But that’s okay. I am the most entertaining person I know so I can make myself giggle. Ha ha.
XXOO
FN
Sunday, 18 November 2007
The After Party
Spidey: That was the last guest. They’ve all gone home now.
Matt: Finally. I just want to sit down and drink a couple of beers, watch some stupid telly and nod off.
Spidey: Dips for the stash.
Matt: Fine with me. I need to stay fit.
Spidey: Are you calling me fat?
Matt: Let’s not have this kind of conversation. It’s too Fri and Uni!
FridayNext: Why did they have to leave so early?
UniCorn: Who cares.
FridayNext: I’ve been cooking all day and they leave before midnight. It’s not right!
UniCorn: Honey, I’m still here.
FridayNext: Yeah! And we still have ice cream in the freezer.
UniCorn and FridayNext in UniSon: I’ll race you to the kitchen!
UniCorn: The ice is hard as rock!
FridayNext: Lovely. Mmmm, cookie dough!
UniCorn: I want it to thaw a bit.
FridayNext: No, it’s fine the way it is.
UniCorn: I prefer it a bit mushy.
FridayNext: I don’t.
Spidey: Aaaaaatttttaaacccckkkkkkk!
UniCorn & FridayNext in UniSon: AAAAHHHHHHHH!
Matt: Surprise!
UniCorn: Oh Matt!
FridayNext: Hey, the boys are back.
Spidey: Men. We’re men!
UniCorn: You’re definitely a man, Matt!
Matt: *smiling broadly* I hope so.
Spidey: Hey, whatcha eating?
FridayNext: Ice cream.
Spidey: Is that cookie dough?
FridayNext: No!
Spidey: It is. Share!
FridayNext: No way!
Spidey: Come on!
FridayNext: Goaway!
UniCorn: Matt, want some ice cream? It’s super mega chunky chocolate. I can get you a spoon?
Spidey: Listen and learn, Fri!
FridayNext: Are you kidding?
Matt: I’m fine, thanks. I could do with a beer, though.
UniCorn: I’ll get it!
We all stand in the kitchen practically next to the fridge, and Uni lunges for it before any of us can even react to Matt’s wish for a beer.
UniCorn: Maaaah haaaaah. Sorry, Spidey. Did the door hit your face?
Spidey: Jesus, woman. Take the eagerness down a notch or two! I’ll get a black eye from this!
FridayNext: So the song will go something like this from now on: Black eyes. Baby skies, black eyes.
FridayNext: *laughing hysterically entirely on her own*
FridayNext: Oh come on, it was funny!
Matt: Was it a nice party, sweetie?
He takes the beer that Uni hands him. She gawks a bit too much but as usual he seems completely unaware of her interest. It reminds me of something…what could it be? We all head for the living room to chill.
FridayNext: They left too early. I don’t know why.
Spidey: Well, doing the Penguin Dance probably didn’t help.
UniCorn: You should only use your web for good things.
FridayNext: *sucks in air* Oh my god, Spidey! Did you spy on us?
UniCorn: Anyway, we’re good dancers. It’s just their loss, really. Fri cooked a great meal.
Matt: I could eat…
UniCorn: I’ll fix you a plate!
Matt: Oh. Thanks, Uni.
Spidey pokes my arm after Uni has left the room. I ignore him.
FridayNext: Why are you home so early? Didn’t you have fun?
Matt: Somebody made sure I lost my wallet.
FridayNext: Oh. Spidey, stop poking me!
Spidey: I could eat as well.
FridayNext: Good for you. You know where the kitchen is.
Spidey: Awww! Please, Fri. It’s been a tough night taking Matt cross-town and all.
FridayNext: *sighing* Oh alright then.
Spidey: Hey, cookie dough ice cream! Munch munch.
Matt: You’re evil. And you won’t survive for long.
Spidey: She should learn to share. She’s like a kid sometimes.
Matt: Yeah, I wonder who she reminds me of…
Spidey: Fortunately I don’t understand what you’re hinting at.
Uni is working on a huge plate for Matt when I come into the kitchen. It’s like she’s turned into a great French chef suddenly. I take a plate and toss some food on it for Spidey.
UniCorn: Aww, the boys are home!
FridayNext: Yeah. They’re home.
UniCorn: I really like them.
FridayNext: Oh, you’ve could have fooled me.
UniCorn: They’re so cool, Fri.
FridayNext: I live with them every day. I can assure you that it takes the coolness out of it.
UniCorn: That’s what relationships are like.
FridayNext: What are you on about?
UniCorn: Well, sometimes you wish they would all leave and never come back – and sometimes you wish they’d stay with you forever and never leave you not even for the bathroom.
FridayNext: Eww!
UniCorn: Yeah, but it’s the truth.
FridayNext: Just saying that the boys are well just the boys.
UniCorn: Even though one of them is the sexiest man ever?
FridayNext: Am I the only one who finds him unattractive?
UniCorn: YES!
Spidey: That was delish!
Matt: Tell me that you didn’t finish it all.
Spidey: Oh no. There’s a scoop in the corner.
Matt: You’re dead.
FridayNext: Here you go, Spidey.
Spidey: Tha…
FridayNext: You ate my ice cream?!?
UniCorn: Matt?
Matt: Thanks Uni. Why don’t we go into the kitchen for a bit?
UniCorn: Good call!
An hour and several arguments later.
UniCorn: You’re so wrong!
FridayNext: No, I’m not!
UniCorn: The Fraggles will always beat The Muppets!
FridayNext: Are you kidding? The Fraggles are the lamest! The Muppets rule! Animal for ever!
Spidey: Why…
FridayNext: Shut it! I’m so not listening to you tonight! You ate my ice cream!
Matt: Honey.
FridayNext: What?!
Spidey: Whoa, don’t be all aggressive with him. It’s not his fault!
FridayNext: Who made him lose his wallet?
UniCorn: And The Fraggles are way cooler than The Muppets. Who the hell would wanna be a muppet anyway?
FridayNext: Me! Ich bin ein Muppet Puppet!
Spidey: You’re so losing it, Fri. You’re rambling in a lingo I don’t know.
Matt: Spidey, chilll! Fri, darling. Come here. Sit down. You’re too stressed.
UniCorn: I’ve had a long day as well…
Spidey: Oh God!
FridayNext: I’m fine…
Matt: Friday, get your butt over here and sit down next to me. And Uni, you can sit on my left side. Alright? Alright! Spidey, go get some lame board game. We’re gonna have a quiet evening even if it’s gonna kill us all!
We all do as he orders. We’ve never been this quiet before. Even Uni doesn’t come with some flirty remark about Matt and his body. He puts his arm around me and there’s no way that I’m going to ask him to loosen up a bit even though I can barely turn my head. He’s holding on that tightly. Nobody dares telling him that it’s past 2 am.
Spidey: I just brought what I found in the closet. I’m not sure if I’m up to…
Matt: Sure you are. Uni, you go first.
UniCorn: Okay, Matt!
She throws the dice and gets six.
UniCorn: What colour am I? Blue...and my turn again…another six…I wish I could take you out, Matt. I promise I won’t knock you off your square… But it’s my turn again and I got three black ones in a row so it’s my turn again and oh my gawd, I just escaped Boardwalk and I cash in for always getting on the ladders and not bump into the snakes so I’ll continue and the question is who was the originally drummer in The Who…who…who…god, it’s a planet or a….Moon! Keith Moon. And checkmate! Ha ha, I’ve never won this game before! It’s a lot of fun. Oh, and now I get three darts but only one throw…wait…I’m sure I can do it…There! Oh No! Bull’s Eye. I lost!
Spidey: What the hell did you just do?
FridayNext: She lost. I’m sorry, sweetie. It’s my turn now.
Spidey: That wasn’t a game. It was a mixture of I don’t know.
FridayNext: The point is that she didn’t win so now it’s my turn. Throw me the dice, hon.
UniCorn: I suck at this!
Matt: No, you don’t. You were very good, Uni.
UniCorn: You think?
Uni scoots closer to Matt and closes her eyes. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s past our bedtime. He kisses her on her hair and I can see that her red hair suddenly match her face. Oh Uni!
Spidey: You can’t just make up the games and rules as you go along.
Matt: Spidey, shut up. We’re having a fun evening.
Spidey: They’re cheating, Matt. And Uni sucks even at cheating.
FridayNext: Oi, take that back!
UniCorn: Yeah, whatever she said.
And Uni sends me a goofy smile and I know that she’s not really listening but hoping for another gesture from Matt. It all seems so hilarious and I laugh.
Spidey: What’s so funny?
FridayNext: *giggling* I don’t know.
Spidey: Stop laughing.
FridayNext: *giggling louder* I can’t.
Spidey: You’re freaking me out.
FridayNext: *laughing hysterically* I’m sorry. Stop me.
Matt: Bedtime.
UniCorn: Okay!
Spidey: Go home, Uni. ChessBoy is waiting for you.
FridayNext: *laughing* ChessBoy. What a silly name!
UniCorn: *giggling* It is.
Matt: I’ll walk you down to your car, Uni. Spidey, clean up in here and Fri, go to bed.
UniCorn: You’re so cool, Matt.
FridayNext: *giggling* Bear my children.
UniCorn: *laugh hysterically* Oh my gawd, now I know how you feel.
So I head for the bedroom and I can hear Uni giggling all the way down in the lift. Spidey cleans up the living room and I fall in to bed. He pops his head in.
Spidey: Are we alright, Fri?
FridayNext: Of course we are, Spidey. Always. What a strange day it’s been.
Spidey: Yeah. I’m sorry I lost Matt’s wallet.
FridayNext: I know. Goodnight Spidey.
Spidey: ‘Night.
Matt: Are you sure you are up for driving?
UniCorn: I’m fine, Matt. I just needed some air.
Matt: Alright, then. Drive safely and text us when you get home.
UniCorn: I will, Matty. Thanks.
Matt: *kisses her on her right cheek* Good night, Uni.
UniCorn: *giggles and blushes* ‘Night, Matty.
Matt: Finally. I just want to sit down and drink a couple of beers, watch some stupid telly and nod off.
Spidey: Dips for the stash.
Matt: Fine with me. I need to stay fit.
Spidey: Are you calling me fat?
Matt: Let’s not have this kind of conversation. It’s too Fri and Uni!
FridayNext: Why did they have to leave so early?
UniCorn: Who cares.
FridayNext: I’ve been cooking all day and they leave before midnight. It’s not right!
UniCorn: Honey, I’m still here.
FridayNext: Yeah! And we still have ice cream in the freezer.
UniCorn and FridayNext in UniSon: I’ll race you to the kitchen!
UniCorn: The ice is hard as rock!
FridayNext: Lovely. Mmmm, cookie dough!
UniCorn: I want it to thaw a bit.
FridayNext: No, it’s fine the way it is.
UniCorn: I prefer it a bit mushy.
FridayNext: I don’t.
Spidey: Aaaaaatttttaaacccckkkkkkk!
UniCorn & FridayNext in UniSon: AAAAHHHHHHHH!
Matt: Surprise!
UniCorn: Oh Matt!
FridayNext: Hey, the boys are back.
Spidey: Men. We’re men!
UniCorn: You’re definitely a man, Matt!
Matt: *smiling broadly* I hope so.
Spidey: Hey, whatcha eating?
FridayNext: Ice cream.
Spidey: Is that cookie dough?
FridayNext: No!
Spidey: It is. Share!
FridayNext: No way!
Spidey: Come on!
FridayNext: Goaway!
UniCorn: Matt, want some ice cream? It’s super mega chunky chocolate. I can get you a spoon?
Spidey: Listen and learn, Fri!
FridayNext: Are you kidding?
Matt: I’m fine, thanks. I could do with a beer, though.
UniCorn: I’ll get it!
We all stand in the kitchen practically next to the fridge, and Uni lunges for it before any of us can even react to Matt’s wish for a beer.
UniCorn: Maaaah haaaaah. Sorry, Spidey. Did the door hit your face?
Spidey: Jesus, woman. Take the eagerness down a notch or two! I’ll get a black eye from this!
FridayNext: So the song will go something like this from now on: Black eyes. Baby skies, black eyes.
FridayNext: *laughing hysterically entirely on her own*
FridayNext: Oh come on, it was funny!
Matt: Was it a nice party, sweetie?
He takes the beer that Uni hands him. She gawks a bit too much but as usual he seems completely unaware of her interest. It reminds me of something…what could it be? We all head for the living room to chill.
FridayNext: They left too early. I don’t know why.
Spidey: Well, doing the Penguin Dance probably didn’t help.
UniCorn: You should only use your web for good things.
FridayNext: *sucks in air* Oh my god, Spidey! Did you spy on us?
UniCorn: Anyway, we’re good dancers. It’s just their loss, really. Fri cooked a great meal.
Matt: I could eat…
UniCorn: I’ll fix you a plate!
Matt: Oh. Thanks, Uni.
Spidey pokes my arm after Uni has left the room. I ignore him.
FridayNext: Why are you home so early? Didn’t you have fun?
Matt: Somebody made sure I lost my wallet.
FridayNext: Oh. Spidey, stop poking me!
Spidey: I could eat as well.
FridayNext: Good for you. You know where the kitchen is.
Spidey: Awww! Please, Fri. It’s been a tough night taking Matt cross-town and all.
FridayNext: *sighing* Oh alright then.
Spidey: Hey, cookie dough ice cream! Munch munch.
Matt: You’re evil. And you won’t survive for long.
Spidey: She should learn to share. She’s like a kid sometimes.
Matt: Yeah, I wonder who she reminds me of…
Spidey: Fortunately I don’t understand what you’re hinting at.
Uni is working on a huge plate for Matt when I come into the kitchen. It’s like she’s turned into a great French chef suddenly. I take a plate and toss some food on it for Spidey.
UniCorn: Aww, the boys are home!
FridayNext: Yeah. They’re home.
UniCorn: I really like them.
FridayNext: Oh, you’ve could have fooled me.
UniCorn: They’re so cool, Fri.
FridayNext: I live with them every day. I can assure you that it takes the coolness out of it.
UniCorn: That’s what relationships are like.
FridayNext: What are you on about?
UniCorn: Well, sometimes you wish they would all leave and never come back – and sometimes you wish they’d stay with you forever and never leave you not even for the bathroom.
FridayNext: Eww!
UniCorn: Yeah, but it’s the truth.
FridayNext: Just saying that the boys are well just the boys.
UniCorn: Even though one of them is the sexiest man ever?
FridayNext: Am I the only one who finds him unattractive?
UniCorn: YES!
Spidey: That was delish!
Matt: Tell me that you didn’t finish it all.
Spidey: Oh no. There’s a scoop in the corner.
Matt: You’re dead.
FridayNext: Here you go, Spidey.
Spidey: Tha…
FridayNext: You ate my ice cream?!?
UniCorn: Matt?
Matt: Thanks Uni. Why don’t we go into the kitchen for a bit?
UniCorn: Good call!
An hour and several arguments later.
UniCorn: You’re so wrong!
FridayNext: No, I’m not!
UniCorn: The Fraggles will always beat The Muppets!
FridayNext: Are you kidding? The Fraggles are the lamest! The Muppets rule! Animal for ever!
Spidey: Why…
FridayNext: Shut it! I’m so not listening to you tonight! You ate my ice cream!
Matt: Honey.
FridayNext: What?!
Spidey: Whoa, don’t be all aggressive with him. It’s not his fault!
FridayNext: Who made him lose his wallet?
UniCorn: And The Fraggles are way cooler than The Muppets. Who the hell would wanna be a muppet anyway?
FridayNext: Me! Ich bin ein Muppet Puppet!
Spidey: You’re so losing it, Fri. You’re rambling in a lingo I don’t know.
Matt: Spidey, chilll! Fri, darling. Come here. Sit down. You’re too stressed.
UniCorn: I’ve had a long day as well…
Spidey: Oh God!
FridayNext: I’m fine…
Matt: Friday, get your butt over here and sit down next to me. And Uni, you can sit on my left side. Alright? Alright! Spidey, go get some lame board game. We’re gonna have a quiet evening even if it’s gonna kill us all!
We all do as he orders. We’ve never been this quiet before. Even Uni doesn’t come with some flirty remark about Matt and his body. He puts his arm around me and there’s no way that I’m going to ask him to loosen up a bit even though I can barely turn my head. He’s holding on that tightly. Nobody dares telling him that it’s past 2 am.
Spidey: I just brought what I found in the closet. I’m not sure if I’m up to…
Matt: Sure you are. Uni, you go first.
UniCorn: Okay, Matt!
She throws the dice and gets six.
UniCorn: What colour am I? Blue...and my turn again…another six…I wish I could take you out, Matt. I promise I won’t knock you off your square… But it’s my turn again and I got three black ones in a row so it’s my turn again and oh my gawd, I just escaped Boardwalk and I cash in for always getting on the ladders and not bump into the snakes so I’ll continue and the question is who was the originally drummer in The Who…who…who…god, it’s a planet or a….Moon! Keith Moon. And checkmate! Ha ha, I’ve never won this game before! It’s a lot of fun. Oh, and now I get three darts but only one throw…wait…I’m sure I can do it…There! Oh No! Bull’s Eye. I lost!
Spidey: What the hell did you just do?
FridayNext: She lost. I’m sorry, sweetie. It’s my turn now.
Spidey: That wasn’t a game. It was a mixture of I don’t know.
FridayNext: The point is that she didn’t win so now it’s my turn. Throw me the dice, hon.
UniCorn: I suck at this!
Matt: No, you don’t. You were very good, Uni.
UniCorn: You think?
Uni scoots closer to Matt and closes her eyes. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s past our bedtime. He kisses her on her hair and I can see that her red hair suddenly match her face. Oh Uni!
Spidey: You can’t just make up the games and rules as you go along.
Matt: Spidey, shut up. We’re having a fun evening.
Spidey: They’re cheating, Matt. And Uni sucks even at cheating.
FridayNext: Oi, take that back!
UniCorn: Yeah, whatever she said.
And Uni sends me a goofy smile and I know that she’s not really listening but hoping for another gesture from Matt. It all seems so hilarious and I laugh.
Spidey: What’s so funny?
FridayNext: *giggling* I don’t know.
Spidey: Stop laughing.
FridayNext: *giggling louder* I can’t.
Spidey: You’re freaking me out.
FridayNext: *laughing hysterically* I’m sorry. Stop me.
Matt: Bedtime.
UniCorn: Okay!
Spidey: Go home, Uni. ChessBoy is waiting for you.
FridayNext: *laughing* ChessBoy. What a silly name!
UniCorn: *giggling* It is.
Matt: I’ll walk you down to your car, Uni. Spidey, clean up in here and Fri, go to bed.
UniCorn: You’re so cool, Matt.
FridayNext: *giggling* Bear my children.
UniCorn: *laugh hysterically* Oh my gawd, now I know how you feel.
So I head for the bedroom and I can hear Uni giggling all the way down in the lift. Spidey cleans up the living room and I fall in to bed. He pops his head in.
Spidey: Are we alright, Fri?
FridayNext: Of course we are, Spidey. Always. What a strange day it’s been.
Spidey: Yeah. I’m sorry I lost Matt’s wallet.
FridayNext: I know. Goodnight Spidey.
Spidey: ‘Night.
Matt: Are you sure you are up for driving?
UniCorn: I’m fine, Matt. I just needed some air.
Matt: Alright, then. Drive safely and text us when you get home.
UniCorn: I will, Matty. Thanks.
Matt: *kisses her on her right cheek* Good night, Uni.
UniCorn: *giggles and blushes* ‘Night, Matty.
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
An Evening with the Girls, Part II
When all the guests have arrived, I show off my hand. They oooh and aaah and feel awfully sorry for me. Just the way I like it. At one point they’re all standing in the kitchen with me gossiping and giggling and I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
FridayNext: You need to leave!
UniCorn: Chill, hon. What she’s trying to say is that we should go into the living room and let the diva calm down.
FridayNext: Exactly.
Guest 1: So how long have you two been married?
FridayNext: Ha ha ha.
UniCorn: Oh it feels like just yesterday that we vowed each other happiness 4 ever, doesn’t it, hon?
And we put on another show of affection and kissing noises and the girls look at us…all weird….but don’t say anything. But heck, we’re funny to be with. So Uni guides them back into the living room and I breathe into a brown paper bag in the kitchen and suddenly I’m back on track and rescue the fish soup from boiling over and the starter is ready.
After the starter, they repeat the pattern I don’t like. They all follow me to the kitchen and hang around as if the living room isn’t too comfy. Once again Uni saves me and drags them back into the dinner table and I bring in the roasted lamb (I’ve turned into a cannibal!) and all the trimmings I could think of. When everybody has been served, the only sound is munching. For tiny girls they sure munch noisily but it’s a lovely sound. It’s what any cook longs to hear after a long day in the kitchen.
Coffee, tea and dessert are served. Uni sits next to me and the other guests cling to each other. For some odd reason.
FridayNext: Oh! What time is it?
UniCorn: Not Brokeback time already?
FridayNext: Shut the frickin’ up, hon.
Guests: *alarmingly quiet*
UniCorn: Almost half past.
FridayNext: I wonder where my neighbour is tonight. He usually puts on Kylie Minogue at this time.
Guest 1: *mockingly* Kylie.
FridayNext: I know. And it’s not any of the recent stuff. We’re talking Locomotion and soon my brain will haemorrhage.
Guest 2: Kylie who?
Silence
FridayNext: It’s a long story…
Matt: I’m freezing!
Spidey: You should have taken the train.
Matt: Let me remind you again why we’re already on our way home…
Spidey: Money.
Matt: No. Lack of money. And tickets cost money.
Spidey: I feel a bit accused here.
Matt: I told you not to turn me upside down on our way to town!
Spidey: I didn’t know you had your wallet in your jeans!
Matt: Where would I have my wallet?
Spidey: Any normal man would have his wallet in his jacket!
Matt: It doesn’t matter! We’re here now. So what do we do? Fri told us not to come home before midnight at least.
Spidey: So we just hang out here for 3+ hours.
Matt: We’re on the staircase, Spidey.
Spidey: At least it’s warmer here than outside.
UniCorn: You’re not singing it right. She sings: do the locomotion with me.
FridayNext: It’s what I sang!
UniCorn: No it wasn’t!
FridayNext: Remember the lame video she did?
UniCorn: No?
FridayNext: I do. I do. I do.
UniCorn: I know the answer to that: You to J-Man in church!
FridayNext: YES! Oh my gawd, wouldn’t he be utterly delish in a wedding outfit?
UniCorn: You think he’d be delish in velvet so you don’t really have any standards.
FridayNext: I think he’s your height. Stand up…
UniCorn: Only if you promise to kiss me.
FridayNext: I do. I do, I do, I do.
UniCorn & FridayNext laugh hysterically and high 5 each other.
Guests: *Abnormally quiet*
FridayNext: You are! Or he is! Same height! At least in my mind. And then she wriggled about in a very silly mini skirt. Was I the only one who saw that video?
UniCorn: You’re the only one present who’s old enough to have seen it aired.
FridayNext: Oh my gawd, Uni! How rude of you! But you’re probably right. Darn.
Guest 2: Can I have some more coffee?
UniCorn: Sure, sweetie. Feel free to help yourself.
FridayNext: Look at my burn. It still hurts!
UniCorn: You’re disabled now.
FridayNext: I am. Must call in sick Monday.
Spidey: It’s best if you stay grounded. I don’t want anymore hiccups tonight.
Matt: But it’s freezing!
Spidey: Since when is the temperature warmer the higher up you get?
Matt: Okay.
Spidey: I’ll climb up, check out what they’re doing and then I come back down.
Matt: Deal.
FridayNext: The Penguin Dance!
UniCorn: I know that one!
FridayNext: You invented it, hon.
UniCorn: Right. Come on.
UniCorn & FridayNext stand in the middle of the living room, dance to imaginary music and wriggle their bottoms. Oddly enough in synch.
UniCorn: Go Friday, Go Friday, Go Friday.
FridayNext: Go Uni, Go Uni, Go Uni.
Spidey: The good news is that they have alienated the guests so it won’t be long until they leave.
Matt: I sense there’s some bad news as well.
Spidey: They’re doing the Penguin Dance. In synch.
Matt: Oh god. As if this day hasn’t been awful enough already.
Spidey: The good news is that the girls have only nibbled from the cake and crisps. So we’re in for a great snack tonight.
Silence
Spidey: Unless we leave Fri and Uni on their own for too long.
FridayNext: Aw, you really have to leave so early?
Guest 1: Yeah, work in two days, you know. And cleaning the house tomorrow. Phew, it’s just too much to take in…
Guest 2: I promised to look in on my mum on my way home…
FridayNext: But you. You don’t have to leave so early, do you?
Guest 3: Ahm…
UniCorn: No, you can stay, right?
Guest 3: I really should be getting home. My husband is waiting for me…
FridayNext: Oh.
Guest 3: I need a taxi.
FridayNext: Right. I’ll call for one.
FridayNext: Hello. I’d like to book a taxi.
FridayNext: What do you mean that you don’t drive in that area?
FridayNext: Oh, I’m sorry. I misunderstood you.
FridayNext: So you have noted the destination?
FridayNext: Oh my gawd, you like DJs?!
FridayNext: You have a great laughter!
FridayNext: How old are you?
UniCorn: What the hell are you doing?!
FridayNext: Hey, you’re my age!
FridayNext: Are you single?
FridayNext: Me too!
FridayNext: Really? A new flat? That sounds great!
FridayNext: When do you get off?
UniCorn: I don’t believe you!
FridayNext: Oh just some friends. I’ll ask them to shut up.
FridayNext: Love your voice.
FridayNext: Well, you can try and call me when you get off.
FridayNext: I don’t sleep at 2 am. I’m up waiting for your call.
FridayNext: You too, hon. Talk to you later. Bye.
UniCorn: Could you get any flirtier?!
FridayNext: He giggled like J-Man. Can you frickin’ believe it? Giggling like J-Man! Oh man, oh man, oh man! And he’s my age. And he likes dj-ing. Ewww. But nice. Still. He sounded great over the phone.
UniCorn: What’s his name?
FridayNext: Dunno.
Guest 3: When will the taxi come?
FridayNext: Oh. I forgot to ask.
Stay tuned for part III, the after party…
FridayNext: You need to leave!
UniCorn: Chill, hon. What she’s trying to say is that we should go into the living room and let the diva calm down.
FridayNext: Exactly.
Guest 1: So how long have you two been married?
FridayNext: Ha ha ha.
UniCorn: Oh it feels like just yesterday that we vowed each other happiness 4 ever, doesn’t it, hon?
And we put on another show of affection and kissing noises and the girls look at us…all weird….but don’t say anything. But heck, we’re funny to be with. So Uni guides them back into the living room and I breathe into a brown paper bag in the kitchen and suddenly I’m back on track and rescue the fish soup from boiling over and the starter is ready.
After the starter, they repeat the pattern I don’t like. They all follow me to the kitchen and hang around as if the living room isn’t too comfy. Once again Uni saves me and drags them back into the dinner table and I bring in the roasted lamb (I’ve turned into a cannibal!) and all the trimmings I could think of. When everybody has been served, the only sound is munching. For tiny girls they sure munch noisily but it’s a lovely sound. It’s what any cook longs to hear after a long day in the kitchen.
Coffee, tea and dessert are served. Uni sits next to me and the other guests cling to each other. For some odd reason.
FridayNext: Oh! What time is it?
UniCorn: Not Brokeback time already?
FridayNext: Shut the frickin’ up, hon.
Guests: *alarmingly quiet*
UniCorn: Almost half past.
FridayNext: I wonder where my neighbour is tonight. He usually puts on Kylie Minogue at this time.
Guest 1: *mockingly* Kylie.
FridayNext: I know. And it’s not any of the recent stuff. We’re talking Locomotion and soon my brain will haemorrhage.
Guest 2: Kylie who?
Silence
FridayNext: It’s a long story…
Matt: I’m freezing!
Spidey: You should have taken the train.
Matt: Let me remind you again why we’re already on our way home…
Spidey: Money.
Matt: No. Lack of money. And tickets cost money.
Spidey: I feel a bit accused here.
Matt: I told you not to turn me upside down on our way to town!
Spidey: I didn’t know you had your wallet in your jeans!
Matt: Where would I have my wallet?
Spidey: Any normal man would have his wallet in his jacket!
Matt: It doesn’t matter! We’re here now. So what do we do? Fri told us not to come home before midnight at least.
Spidey: So we just hang out here for 3+ hours.
Matt: We’re on the staircase, Spidey.
Spidey: At least it’s warmer here than outside.
UniCorn: You’re not singing it right. She sings: do the locomotion with me.
FridayNext: It’s what I sang!
UniCorn: No it wasn’t!
FridayNext: Remember the lame video she did?
UniCorn: No?
FridayNext: I do. I do. I do.
UniCorn: I know the answer to that: You to J-Man in church!
FridayNext: YES! Oh my gawd, wouldn’t he be utterly delish in a wedding outfit?
UniCorn: You think he’d be delish in velvet so you don’t really have any standards.
FridayNext: I think he’s your height. Stand up…
UniCorn: Only if you promise to kiss me.
FridayNext: I do. I do, I do, I do.
UniCorn & FridayNext laugh hysterically and high 5 each other.
Guests: *Abnormally quiet*
FridayNext: You are! Or he is! Same height! At least in my mind. And then she wriggled about in a very silly mini skirt. Was I the only one who saw that video?
UniCorn: You’re the only one present who’s old enough to have seen it aired.
FridayNext: Oh my gawd, Uni! How rude of you! But you’re probably right. Darn.
Guest 2: Can I have some more coffee?
UniCorn: Sure, sweetie. Feel free to help yourself.
FridayNext: Look at my burn. It still hurts!
UniCorn: You’re disabled now.
FridayNext: I am. Must call in sick Monday.
Spidey: It’s best if you stay grounded. I don’t want anymore hiccups tonight.
Matt: But it’s freezing!
Spidey: Since when is the temperature warmer the higher up you get?
Matt: Okay.
Spidey: I’ll climb up, check out what they’re doing and then I come back down.
Matt: Deal.
FridayNext: The Penguin Dance!
UniCorn: I know that one!
FridayNext: You invented it, hon.
UniCorn: Right. Come on.
UniCorn & FridayNext stand in the middle of the living room, dance to imaginary music and wriggle their bottoms. Oddly enough in synch.
UniCorn: Go Friday, Go Friday, Go Friday.
FridayNext: Go Uni, Go Uni, Go Uni.
Spidey: The good news is that they have alienated the guests so it won’t be long until they leave.
Matt: I sense there’s some bad news as well.
Spidey: They’re doing the Penguin Dance. In synch.
Matt: Oh god. As if this day hasn’t been awful enough already.
Spidey: The good news is that the girls have only nibbled from the cake and crisps. So we’re in for a great snack tonight.
Silence
Spidey: Unless we leave Fri and Uni on their own for too long.
FridayNext: Aw, you really have to leave so early?
Guest 1: Yeah, work in two days, you know. And cleaning the house tomorrow. Phew, it’s just too much to take in…
Guest 2: I promised to look in on my mum on my way home…
FridayNext: But you. You don’t have to leave so early, do you?
Guest 3: Ahm…
UniCorn: No, you can stay, right?
Guest 3: I really should be getting home. My husband is waiting for me…
FridayNext: Oh.
Guest 3: I need a taxi.
FridayNext: Right. I’ll call for one.
FridayNext: Hello. I’d like to book a taxi.
FridayNext: What do you mean that you don’t drive in that area?
FridayNext: Oh, I’m sorry. I misunderstood you.
FridayNext: So you have noted the destination?
FridayNext: Oh my gawd, you like DJs?!
FridayNext: You have a great laughter!
FridayNext: How old are you?
UniCorn: What the hell are you doing?!
FridayNext: Hey, you’re my age!
FridayNext: Are you single?
FridayNext: Me too!
FridayNext: Really? A new flat? That sounds great!
FridayNext: When do you get off?
UniCorn: I don’t believe you!
FridayNext: Oh just some friends. I’ll ask them to shut up.
FridayNext: Love your voice.
FridayNext: Well, you can try and call me when you get off.
FridayNext: I don’t sleep at 2 am. I’m up waiting for your call.
FridayNext: You too, hon. Talk to you later. Bye.
UniCorn: Could you get any flirtier?!
FridayNext: He giggled like J-Man. Can you frickin’ believe it? Giggling like J-Man! Oh man, oh man, oh man! And he’s my age. And he likes dj-ing. Ewww. But nice. Still. He sounded great over the phone.
UniCorn: What’s his name?
FridayNext: Dunno.
Guest 3: When will the taxi come?
FridayNext: Oh. I forgot to ask.
Stay tuned for part III, the after party…
Monday, 12 November 2007
Introducing an Evening with the Girls, Part I
FridayNext: *yelling from the kitchen* Who ate the crisps?!
Spidey: *mumbling from the sofa* She’s trippin’ again, man.
Matt: Are you ready yet? We should have been out of here thirty minutes ago!
FridayNext: *storming into the living room* Hey, don’t ignore me when I’m shouting at you. Who ate the crisps?!
Matt: Honey…
Spidey: Have you been on your scales lately? Not to be rude or anything, but even I can see that you waddle more than usual.
Matt: Spidey!
FridayNext: What did you say?
Spidey: Just…chances are that you joined in on the crisps so you shouldn’t be trippin’.
FridayNext: I bought those crisps yesterday because the girls are coming over tonight.
Spidey: Oh. Those. Were they for tonight?
Matt: Spidey, we really should be going.
FridayNext: Get him out of my sight, darling. I can’t…I’ll strangle him!
Matt: Sweetie, we’ll be off…
Spidey: If you insist on calling me sweetie, you’re so buying the drinks all night!
Matt: Move your ass! And put something less orange on, for god’s sakes.
Spidey: I’m just saying that she yo-yos a lot.
Matt: It’s what women do, Spidey. You should just let it pass.
Spidey: Once again we’ve proved that you’re a wuss!
I bake the cake from scratch. It consists of eggs, flour, sugar and coconut shredding. My arteries are clogging already just by the thought of sinking my teeth into one piece after another. I burn my right hand on the oven. Damnit! It hurts. It burns. It doesn’t look as horrific as it feels. Damnit again!
Then I do dishes again. Ouch ouch, warm water hurt my right hand’s burn. It’s time to make the fish soup. I open cans, pour stuff in the pot, stir and stir and feel sorry for myself whenever I glance down at my right hand.
More dishes to do. More pain.
The flat’s not been this clean in months. I have texted Uni to bring crisps. It’s all going according to plan. In fact, I’m ahead of schedule. So when Uni finally comes by – half an hour later than expected, but she’s forgiven because she brought me gifts as well! – four hours before the other guests arrive, I’m actually done. So we crash in the living room and engage in an intellectual conversation.
UniCorn: Dips for the sofa!
FridayNext: Dips for the armchair!
UniCorn: I love you!
FridayNext: I know the answer: me to J-Man!
UniCorn: There are two answers: me to your sofa!
FridayNext: We’re so cool!
UniCorn: We are! We’re so much fun to be with. We’re incredibly entertaining.
FridayNext: Especially me sober and you drunk.
UniCorn: Exactly! We’re the team for ever.
FridayNext: We are. Ha ha!
UniCorn: I need to lie down.
FridayNext: I need some cola. I’ve been up since I don’t know when and I’m tired.
UniCorn: Do you have a blanket?
UniCorn: I think.
FridayNext: Okay. You think?
UniCorn: I love your sofa.
FridayNext: Been there, moving on, you think?
UniCorn: Oh, right. I think that sometimes you like people.
FridayNext: Following you, understanding you.
UniCorn: And people you like are really likable.
FridayNext: Logic accepted.
UniCorn: Life isn’t black and white.
FridayNext: I don’t want to hear this.
UniCorn: But I’m the same. I also hate grey areas.
FridayNext: So everything should be black and white.
UniCorn: I agree! But really, when you like people you only see the good stuff.
FridayNext: Because you like people so you focus on their good traits.
UniCorn: I mean, you – you, honey. FridayNext, sweetie. You only focus on the good stuff in people when you like them.
FridayNext: Somehow that’s not bad in my book.
UniCorn: I know. And I love that about you…
FridayNext: Awww! You love me!
UniCorn: You know I do, honey.
FridayNext: Honey!
FridayNext and UniCorn in UniSon: *making kissing noises to each other*
UniCorn: But people are bastards sometimes.
FridayNext: *sucks in air* I can’t believe you said that!
UniCorn: But they are. And sometimes you give them too much credit.
FridayNext: I need examples because the buzz from the cola is wearing off.
UniCorn: Who’s the cleverest…
FridayNext: Ace!
UniCorn: …person you know.
FridayNext: Ace! It’s Ace! Def Ace!
UniCorn: Okay. Why?
FridayNext: What do you mean, why?! He is.
UniCorn: I think you’re infatuated by him and that’s why you put in some of the traits you admire in general. So you’ve made him clever.
FridayNext: That’s bull. He’s clever.
UniCorn: *looks FridayNext straight into her eyes*
FridayNext: He looks clever. He knows stuff that I don’t. And he has a great sense of humour. I like him a lot.
UniCorn: You know lot of stuff that he doesn’t. You have a sense of humour.
FridayNext: And that’s why we’re funny to be with, you and I.
UniCorn: Exactly! But back to my soon-to-be-awarded-thesis: if you like people, you only see good stuff. Ace is probably a bastard sometimes.
FridayNext: No.
UniCorn: Of course he is.
FridayNext: No.
UniCorn: Remember when we met the first time?
FridayNext: Sure.
UniCorn: And after we became friends…
FridayNext:…soulmates, honey!
UniCorn: Soulmates. You told me that at first you didn’t want to become friends because I smoked.
FridayNext: And you did.
UniCorn: And then I quit and we became friends.
FridayNext: And I’m so happy you quit and I love you, honey.
UniCorn: And I love you too, honey, but J-Man smokes.
Silence
UniCorn: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ambush you.
FridayNext: *looks out the window*
UniCorn: I love the stars.
FridayNext: Me too. And I know he smokes. And I know he DJs and we have absolutely nothing in common and I would bore him to death and he would drive me nuts with his silence and constant music.
UniCorn: And?
FridayNext: I could do with some cookie dough ice cream.
UniCorn: Rather super-mega-chocolate-shock-crunchy-creamy ice cream.
FridayNext: The others come in an hour.
UniCorn: I get the car keys!
Spidey: *mumbling from the sofa* She’s trippin’ again, man.
Matt: Are you ready yet? We should have been out of here thirty minutes ago!
FridayNext: *storming into the living room* Hey, don’t ignore me when I’m shouting at you. Who ate the crisps?!
Matt: Honey…
Spidey: Have you been on your scales lately? Not to be rude or anything, but even I can see that you waddle more than usual.
Matt: Spidey!
FridayNext: What did you say?
Spidey: Just…chances are that you joined in on the crisps so you shouldn’t be trippin’.
FridayNext: I bought those crisps yesterday because the girls are coming over tonight.
Spidey: Oh. Those. Were they for tonight?
Matt: Spidey, we really should be going.
FridayNext: Get him out of my sight, darling. I can’t…I’ll strangle him!
Matt: Sweetie, we’ll be off…
Spidey: If you insist on calling me sweetie, you’re so buying the drinks all night!
Matt: Move your ass! And put something less orange on, for god’s sakes.
Spidey: I’m just saying that she yo-yos a lot.
Matt: It’s what women do, Spidey. You should just let it pass.
Spidey: Once again we’ve proved that you’re a wuss!
I bake the cake from scratch. It consists of eggs, flour, sugar and coconut shredding. My arteries are clogging already just by the thought of sinking my teeth into one piece after another. I burn my right hand on the oven. Damnit! It hurts. It burns. It doesn’t look as horrific as it feels. Damnit again!
Then I do dishes again. Ouch ouch, warm water hurt my right hand’s burn. It’s time to make the fish soup. I open cans, pour stuff in the pot, stir and stir and feel sorry for myself whenever I glance down at my right hand.
More dishes to do. More pain.
The flat’s not been this clean in months. I have texted Uni to bring crisps. It’s all going according to plan. In fact, I’m ahead of schedule. So when Uni finally comes by – half an hour later than expected, but she’s forgiven because she brought me gifts as well! – four hours before the other guests arrive, I’m actually done. So we crash in the living room and engage in an intellectual conversation.
UniCorn: Dips for the sofa!
FridayNext: Dips for the armchair!
UniCorn: I love you!
FridayNext: I know the answer: me to J-Man!
UniCorn: There are two answers: me to your sofa!
FridayNext: We’re so cool!
UniCorn: We are! We’re so much fun to be with. We’re incredibly entertaining.
FridayNext: Especially me sober and you drunk.
UniCorn: Exactly! We’re the team for ever.
FridayNext: We are. Ha ha!
UniCorn: I need to lie down.
FridayNext: I need some cola. I’ve been up since I don’t know when and I’m tired.
UniCorn: Do you have a blanket?
UniCorn: I think.
FridayNext: Okay. You think?
UniCorn: I love your sofa.
FridayNext: Been there, moving on, you think?
UniCorn: Oh, right. I think that sometimes you like people.
FridayNext: Following you, understanding you.
UniCorn: And people you like are really likable.
FridayNext: Logic accepted.
UniCorn: Life isn’t black and white.
FridayNext: I don’t want to hear this.
UniCorn: But I’m the same. I also hate grey areas.
FridayNext: So everything should be black and white.
UniCorn: I agree! But really, when you like people you only see the good stuff.
FridayNext: Because you like people so you focus on their good traits.
UniCorn: I mean, you – you, honey. FridayNext, sweetie. You only focus on the good stuff in people when you like them.
FridayNext: Somehow that’s not bad in my book.
UniCorn: I know. And I love that about you…
FridayNext: Awww! You love me!
UniCorn: You know I do, honey.
FridayNext: Honey!
FridayNext and UniCorn in UniSon: *making kissing noises to each other*
UniCorn: But people are bastards sometimes.
FridayNext: *sucks in air* I can’t believe you said that!
UniCorn: But they are. And sometimes you give them too much credit.
FridayNext: I need examples because the buzz from the cola is wearing off.
UniCorn: Who’s the cleverest…
FridayNext: Ace!
UniCorn: …person you know.
FridayNext: Ace! It’s Ace! Def Ace!
UniCorn: Okay. Why?
FridayNext: What do you mean, why?! He is.
UniCorn: I think you’re infatuated by him and that’s why you put in some of the traits you admire in general. So you’ve made him clever.
FridayNext: That’s bull. He’s clever.
UniCorn: *looks FridayNext straight into her eyes*
FridayNext: He looks clever. He knows stuff that I don’t. And he has a great sense of humour. I like him a lot.
UniCorn: You know lot of stuff that he doesn’t. You have a sense of humour.
FridayNext: And that’s why we’re funny to be with, you and I.
UniCorn: Exactly! But back to my soon-to-be-awarded-thesis: if you like people, you only see good stuff. Ace is probably a bastard sometimes.
FridayNext: No.
UniCorn: Of course he is.
FridayNext: No.
UniCorn: Remember when we met the first time?
FridayNext: Sure.
UniCorn: And after we became friends…
FridayNext:…soulmates, honey!
UniCorn: Soulmates. You told me that at first you didn’t want to become friends because I smoked.
FridayNext: And you did.
UniCorn: And then I quit and we became friends.
FridayNext: And I’m so happy you quit and I love you, honey.
UniCorn: And I love you too, honey, but J-Man smokes.
Silence
UniCorn: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ambush you.
FridayNext: *looks out the window*
UniCorn: I love the stars.
FridayNext: Me too. And I know he smokes. And I know he DJs and we have absolutely nothing in common and I would bore him to death and he would drive me nuts with his silence and constant music.
UniCorn: And?
FridayNext: I could do with some cookie dough ice cream.
UniCorn: Rather super-mega-chocolate-shock-crunchy-creamy ice cream.
FridayNext: The others come in an hour.
UniCorn: I get the car keys!
Stay tuned for Part II
Sunday, 11 November 2007
Blunders
After heavy partying yesterday, we’ll lie low on the blog today with some of the better blunders from the cast members. We hope you enjoy.
Originally planned to be included in:
Who’s Stalking Who?
J-Man: Could we get this over with quickly?
FridayNext: Things I don’t want to know about your stamina.
J-Man: Shut up. I was out DJ-ing all night so I just want this over and done with.
FridayNext: Okay. Suits me just fine.
Director: ACTION!
J-Man: *moves closer to FridayNext* I love you.
FridayNext: *confused* Wha’?
J-Man: *intense and hot* Bear my children. I’ll make you happy. I can make you laugh. You’re the most sexy man I’ve ever met…
FridayNext: You’re reading my lines.
J-Man: Shit!
Director: CUT
From:
The Reception
Director: Glue Entry, take 66. ACTION!
FridayNext: Look Uni. They’re both here!
UniCorn: Yeah. How exciting...
FridayNext: None of the windows are open. If I break one of them...then we can crawl inside and...OH FOR HEAVEN’S SAKES. The f***ing window won’t break!
Director: CUT. Could somebody open one of the windows so she doesn’t have to break it?
UniCorn: Your ass looks humongous from here, hon.
FridayNext: Thank you, hon.
Director: Glue Entry, take 67. ACTION!
FridayNext: Look Uni. They’re both here!
UniCorn: Yeah. How exciting...
FridayNext: I’ll use my glue on J-Man! If I can just get inside...give us a push, hon!
Director: CUT! What’s wrong now?
FridayNext: Nothing I can’t handle! Let’s go again.
UniCorn: *whispering* What’s wrong with you?
FridayNext: *whispering* I can’t haul my fat ass inside. You need to give me a push.
UniCorn: *whispering* You’re joking!
Director: Glue Entry, take 68. ACTION!
FridayNext: Look Uni. They’re both here!
UniCorn: Yeah. How exciting...
FridayNext: I’ll use my glue on J-Man... WHOA!
Director: CUT! Friday, what are you doing on the floor? The entry shouldn’t be action style and then you landing on your face on the floor.
FridayNext: No? Sorry. I’ll get it right the next time.
Ace: *mumbling* Shesh, what an amateur.
J-Man: I really need a smoke.
FridayNext: You pushed me too hard, hon.
UniCorn: Sorry!
From:
And Then There Was One More
Director: You both run up the stairs to FridayNext’s penthouse. ACTION!
FridayNext: How many floors? Can’t we just take the lift and walk up a couple of flights? My lungs are bursting just by the thought of it.
UniCorn: And I’ll get too sweaty to fondle Matt.
FridayNext: Ewwwww!
UniCorn: Oh you love it, hon!
FridayNext: I do.
Director: If you could just pipe down for a while. Alright, you walk up two flights and then go into FridayNext’s front door. ACTION!
FridayNext: *gets out of the door to the lift and embarks on the first staircase* I sure hope my VISA is on the kitchen counter.
UniCorn: Of course it is. Move it, move it!
UniCorn tickles FridayNext who screams.
FridayNext: Stop doing that. If you want to touch me, then you should grope me.
UniCorn: Okay.
UniCorn gropes her all over her body and ass while they run up the last flight of stairs.
FridayNext: AAAAAHHHHHHH!
UniCorn and FridayNext stand in front of FridayNext’s front door and FridayNext fumbles with her keys.
UniCorn: Come on, honey!
FridayNext: I got it...got it...
UniCorn: I’ll use mine, honey. I love you!
FridayNext: I love you too. And now we’re home. Let’s go straight to the bedroom.
UniCorn: OH HONEY! Finally!
Both make smoochie noises.
Director: CUT! CUT! CUT! What the hell was that all about?
UniCorn: Come on, she loved it!
FridayNext: I did!
From:
How to Build your Own Man
FridayNext: Hello Matt.
Matt: *smiling broadly* Hello Friday.
FridayNext: You need to stop smiling. It creeps me out.
Matt: This smile? But it’s a winning smile.
FridayNext: Not from where I’m standing.
Matt: Look, it’s one of my better traits.
Director: CUT!
FridayNext: Well, it doesn’t do it for me, alright?
Matt: You’re sick in your head!
FridayNext: Oh nice. We’re supposed to work together and already you’re calling me names?
Director: What’s the problem?
Matt: Nothing!
FridayNext: We’re good. Let’s go again.
Matt: Can’t believe you have such poor judgement.
FridayNext: But think about this: whenever you go to work, you will pant after me.
Matt: Goddddddd!
Director: ACTION!
From:
Hanging with the Boys
Director: Spidey is taking you cross-town to FridayNext’s office. ACTION!
Spidey: You’re groping me!
Matt: The pleasure is not mine!
Spidey: You’re clutching on to my nuts!
Director: CUT!
Spidey: Well, he was!
Matt: By accident!
Spidey: Whichever, but still hurt like hell.
Director: Let’s go again. ACTION!
Spidey: You’re groping me!
Matt: The plea...
Spidey: Oops, I lost my pants!
Director: CUT!
Matt: For fuck’s sakes!
Spidey: Hey, chilly without pants.
Matt: Yo, how’s it hanging?
Spidey: Shrinking, apparently. But I’m still a bigger man than you any day.
Matt: *sends Spidey a winning smile* You wish.
Spidey: You have a great smile.
Matt: Thanks.
Director: If you’re done brokebacking for a second?
Spidey & Matt in UniSon: Ready!
From:
Intermezzo, The Sequel
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: What?
J-Man: I seem to have killed the mouse.
Ace: Oh.
J-Man: Oh indeed.
Ace: Yeah, oh.
J-Man: *giggles*
Ace: You forget your lines?
J-Man: I guess I did.
Director: Go again! ACTION!
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: What?
J-Man: I love you, honey.
Ace: *bursts out laughing*
J-Man: *giggles* So don’t say that I’m not in tune with my feelings.
Ace: Shut the fuck up.
Director: Go again! ACTION!
Ace: What?
J-Man: Hey, I should go first.
Ace: Always you and your needs, pardner.
J-Man: *giggles*
Director: CUT! What are you two on?
Ace & J-Man in UniSon: Water!
Director: *from under his breath* Liars.
Ace: Sorry. We’ll get it right now.
J-Man: Promise.
Director: ACTION!
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: What?
J-Man: What is it that everyone requires, everyone gives, everyone asks and that very few take?
Ace: Hey, a riddle!
Director: I don’t believe you guys!
Ace: I give up.
J-Man: Advice.
Ace: Good one.
J-Man: A bit lame, really.
Ace: But still okay.
Director: CUT! CUT! CUT!
Originally planned to be included in:
Who’s Stalking Who?
J-Man: Could we get this over with quickly?
FridayNext: Things I don’t want to know about your stamina.
J-Man: Shut up. I was out DJ-ing all night so I just want this over and done with.
FridayNext: Okay. Suits me just fine.
Director: ACTION!
J-Man: *moves closer to FridayNext* I love you.
FridayNext: *confused* Wha’?
J-Man: *intense and hot* Bear my children. I’ll make you happy. I can make you laugh. You’re the most sexy man I’ve ever met…
FridayNext: You’re reading my lines.
J-Man: Shit!
Director: CUT
From:
The Reception
Director: Glue Entry, take 66. ACTION!
FridayNext: Look Uni. They’re both here!
UniCorn: Yeah. How exciting...
FridayNext: None of the windows are open. If I break one of them...then we can crawl inside and...OH FOR HEAVEN’S SAKES. The f***ing window won’t break!
Director: CUT. Could somebody open one of the windows so she doesn’t have to break it?
UniCorn: Your ass looks humongous from here, hon.
FridayNext: Thank you, hon.
Director: Glue Entry, take 67. ACTION!
FridayNext: Look Uni. They’re both here!
UniCorn: Yeah. How exciting...
FridayNext: I’ll use my glue on J-Man! If I can just get inside...give us a push, hon!
Director: CUT! What’s wrong now?
FridayNext: Nothing I can’t handle! Let’s go again.
UniCorn: *whispering* What’s wrong with you?
FridayNext: *whispering* I can’t haul my fat ass inside. You need to give me a push.
UniCorn: *whispering* You’re joking!
Director: Glue Entry, take 68. ACTION!
FridayNext: Look Uni. They’re both here!
UniCorn: Yeah. How exciting...
FridayNext: I’ll use my glue on J-Man... WHOA!
Director: CUT! Friday, what are you doing on the floor? The entry shouldn’t be action style and then you landing on your face on the floor.
FridayNext: No? Sorry. I’ll get it right the next time.
Ace: *mumbling* Shesh, what an amateur.
J-Man: I really need a smoke.
FridayNext: You pushed me too hard, hon.
UniCorn: Sorry!
From:
And Then There Was One More
Director: You both run up the stairs to FridayNext’s penthouse. ACTION!
FridayNext: How many floors? Can’t we just take the lift and walk up a couple of flights? My lungs are bursting just by the thought of it.
UniCorn: And I’ll get too sweaty to fondle Matt.
FridayNext: Ewwwww!
UniCorn: Oh you love it, hon!
FridayNext: I do.
Director: If you could just pipe down for a while. Alright, you walk up two flights and then go into FridayNext’s front door. ACTION!
FridayNext: *gets out of the door to the lift and embarks on the first staircase* I sure hope my VISA is on the kitchen counter.
UniCorn: Of course it is. Move it, move it!
UniCorn tickles FridayNext who screams.
FridayNext: Stop doing that. If you want to touch me, then you should grope me.
UniCorn: Okay.
UniCorn gropes her all over her body and ass while they run up the last flight of stairs.
FridayNext: AAAAAHHHHHHH!
UniCorn and FridayNext stand in front of FridayNext’s front door and FridayNext fumbles with her keys.
UniCorn: Come on, honey!
FridayNext: I got it...got it...
UniCorn: I’ll use mine, honey. I love you!
FridayNext: I love you too. And now we’re home. Let’s go straight to the bedroom.
UniCorn: OH HONEY! Finally!
Both make smoochie noises.
Director: CUT! CUT! CUT! What the hell was that all about?
UniCorn: Come on, she loved it!
FridayNext: I did!
From:
How to Build your Own Man
FridayNext: Hello Matt.
Matt: *smiling broadly* Hello Friday.
FridayNext: You need to stop smiling. It creeps me out.
Matt: This smile? But it’s a winning smile.
FridayNext: Not from where I’m standing.
Matt: Look, it’s one of my better traits.
Director: CUT!
FridayNext: Well, it doesn’t do it for me, alright?
Matt: You’re sick in your head!
FridayNext: Oh nice. We’re supposed to work together and already you’re calling me names?
Director: What’s the problem?
Matt: Nothing!
FridayNext: We’re good. Let’s go again.
Matt: Can’t believe you have such poor judgement.
FridayNext: But think about this: whenever you go to work, you will pant after me.
Matt: Goddddddd!
Director: ACTION!
From:
Hanging with the Boys
Director: Spidey is taking you cross-town to FridayNext’s office. ACTION!
Spidey: You’re groping me!
Matt: The pleasure is not mine!
Spidey: You’re clutching on to my nuts!
Director: CUT!
Spidey: Well, he was!
Matt: By accident!
Spidey: Whichever, but still hurt like hell.
Director: Let’s go again. ACTION!
Spidey: You’re groping me!
Matt: The plea...
Spidey: Oops, I lost my pants!
Director: CUT!
Matt: For fuck’s sakes!
Spidey: Hey, chilly without pants.
Matt: Yo, how’s it hanging?
Spidey: Shrinking, apparently. But I’m still a bigger man than you any day.
Matt: *sends Spidey a winning smile* You wish.
Spidey: You have a great smile.
Matt: Thanks.
Director: If you’re done brokebacking for a second?
Spidey & Matt in UniSon: Ready!
From:
Intermezzo, The Sequel
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: What?
J-Man: I seem to have killed the mouse.
Ace: Oh.
J-Man: Oh indeed.
Ace: Yeah, oh.
J-Man: *giggles*
Ace: You forget your lines?
J-Man: I guess I did.
Director: Go again! ACTION!
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: What?
J-Man: I love you, honey.
Ace: *bursts out laughing*
J-Man: *giggles* So don’t say that I’m not in tune with my feelings.
Ace: Shut the fuck up.
Director: Go again! ACTION!
Ace: What?
J-Man: Hey, I should go first.
Ace: Always you and your needs, pardner.
J-Man: *giggles*
Director: CUT! What are you two on?
Ace & J-Man in UniSon: Water!
Director: *from under his breath* Liars.
Ace: Sorry. We’ll get it right now.
J-Man: Promise.
Director: ACTION!
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: What?
J-Man: What is it that everyone requires, everyone gives, everyone asks and that very few take?
Ace: Hey, a riddle!
Director: I don’t believe you guys!
Ace: I give up.
J-Man: Advice.
Ace: Good one.
J-Man: A bit lame, really.
Ace: But still okay.
Director: CUT! CUT! CUT!
Saturday, 10 November 2007
SurpriseMissionPossible II
UniCornText: So hon, are we all set?
MattText: I think so, got the final confirmation from the guy yesterday
SpideyText: Is Matt texting you, Uni? He’s being all secretive and annoying…
UniCornText: Nice! And you talked to Spidey about the plan? I mean, you have made sure that he understands that he cannot upset her.
MattText: Yeah, he is kind of dense sometimes, but I think he got it in the end
SpideyText: What! I saw that, Matt! Dense, my ass!
UniCornText: And Fri is still in the dark?
SpideyText: Hey Uni. Matt’s a sissy! And a liar!
MattText: She hasn’t got a clue. Told Spidey I would kick him to the moon if he let something slip.
SpideyText: Oh, as if you could kick me an inch if you tried! I’ll web you!
MattText: Is Spidey texting you as well? I just caught him hanging upside down from the ceiling reading my texts over my shoulder…
UniCornText: Yeah, he’s trying to convince me you’re a sissy. But I know better *purring*
MattText: Uhm, right. So everything is going according to plan.
UniCornText: Seems like it. Can’t wait. I’ll call you sometime during the week to make the final arrangements.
SpideyText: Hey Uni, what’s the difference between Matt and a ball of snot?
MattText: Sounds good. Have a nice evening with Fri and the girls – she told us to leave before you get here.
UniCornText: Oh, what a shame *purring*
UniCornText: Spidey for crying out loud! Shut up!
SpideyText: Wrong! Nothing! There’s no difference! HaHa!
MattTextFromSpidey’sCell: This is Matt taking over Spidey’s cell – Spidey will be unavailable for a long time…
MattText: I think so, got the final confirmation from the guy yesterday
SpideyText: Is Matt texting you, Uni? He’s being all secretive and annoying…
UniCornText: Nice! And you talked to Spidey about the plan? I mean, you have made sure that he understands that he cannot upset her.
MattText: Yeah, he is kind of dense sometimes, but I think he got it in the end
SpideyText: What! I saw that, Matt! Dense, my ass!
UniCornText: And Fri is still in the dark?
SpideyText: Hey Uni. Matt’s a sissy! And a liar!
MattText: She hasn’t got a clue. Told Spidey I would kick him to the moon if he let something slip.
SpideyText: Oh, as if you could kick me an inch if you tried! I’ll web you!
MattText: Is Spidey texting you as well? I just caught him hanging upside down from the ceiling reading my texts over my shoulder…
UniCornText: Yeah, he’s trying to convince me you’re a sissy. But I know better *purring*
MattText: Uhm, right. So everything is going according to plan.
UniCornText: Seems like it. Can’t wait. I’ll call you sometime during the week to make the final arrangements.
SpideyText: Hey Uni, what’s the difference between Matt and a ball of snot?
MattText: Sounds good. Have a nice evening with Fri and the girls – she told us to leave before you get here.
UniCornText: Oh, what a shame *purring*
UniCornText: Spidey for crying out loud! Shut up!
SpideyText: Wrong! Nothing! There’s no difference! HaHa!
MattTextFromSpidey’sCell: This is Matt taking over Spidey’s cell – Spidey will be unavailable for a long time…
Friday, 9 November 2007
Multiple Nightmares
The doorbell. It can only be UniCorn! I jump from the sofa and storm out to the front door. I’m giddy with excitement. It’s been at least a couple of days since we’ve seen each other. So I open the door and my face cracks into a big warm gushy smile. But it’s not her. I nearly swallow my tongue.
J-Man: Hi.
I gawk until I hear cowbells. Or is it Jingle Bells? Already? Christmas has come early this year.
FridayNext: *whispers* J-Man.
J-Man: You live in a penthouse?
FridayNext: I do. I do, I do, I do.
He pretends he doesn’t catch my drift. It’s so not his question I answer. In my mind we’re in church and he’s handcuffed to me for life. Ace is the best man and numerous times he tries to drag J-Man away from the alter. Without luck.
J-Man: Well…
He waits for me to interrupt but I have adopted Uni’s goofy smile and cannot put two words together to a sentence.
J-Man: *clears his throat* I was wondering if UniCorn is in?
I wake up in the middle of the night and my heart races as if I’ve been coking non stop for days. Matt is fast asleep. I go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water. I need to calm my nerves and heart.
Matt: Hey, what are you doing up?
He is barely awake but makes his way to the fridge, eyes closed. He reaches out for the milk and I absent-mindedly hand him a glass. We stand there in our jim-jams, half asleep, with no lights on apart from the fridge’s.
Matt: I need to get back to bed.
So he leaves me alone but I am still shaken from the nightmare and I sit down on a chair by the window and listen to the heavy rain and storm. I sit there for five minutes and then I shuffle back to the bedroom before I get too cold.
Matt is taking up most of the bed. I ask him to scoot over. No reaction. I sit down on the edge of the mattress and ask him again in a louder tone. Still no reaction. Then I poke him and he mumbles something but only moves a few inches. I sigh and make my way into bed. I push and shove and pull the duvet over myself. I can hear him breathe. As long as he doesn’t snore, it’s comforting to hear him beside me. I dose off.
I hear kissing noises.
Matt: You’re hot!
Muffled voice: You’re incredibly handsome.
I open my eyes slowly.
Matt: Turn over, sweetie.
Muffled voice: I can’t. I already have my back to the wall.
Matt: Shit.
Muffed voice: Can you move over, baby?
Matt: No. She’s already on the edge of the bed.
Muffled voice: Damn.
My heart races again – I sit up straight and turn to Matt. He’s about to kiss J-Man.
FridayNext: NO!
I wake up by the sound of my struggle for breath. I keep gasping. Then I turn to Matt who’s fast asleep and I slap him on the cheek.
Matt: Ouch!
FridayNext: Don’t you ever do that again!
Matt: What?
FridayNext: Go back to sleep.
He sighs and pretends that he has no idea what the heck I’m talking about. I hog the duvet again and turn my back to him. I cannot believe that he’s snogging my future husband. It keeps pestering me so I get up again but this time I go into the living room to channel surf.
I walk in on Spidey and J-Man in the sofa. Spidey leans on J-Man’s broad shoulders and they snugglingly watch an action packed movie. I look in disbelief and finally throw my arms up in the air.
Friday Next: So basically you fancy anybody but me?!
J-Man: Well…
And he trails off and Spidey asks me to move my big butt because he can only see an inch of the screen. I have no clever comeback for that comment so I do a marathon to the kitchen and hunt down all the wrong food groups. When dawn comes, the nightmares must stop, surely.
J-Man: Hi.
I gawk until I hear cowbells. Or is it Jingle Bells? Already? Christmas has come early this year.
FridayNext: *whispers* J-Man.
J-Man: You live in a penthouse?
FridayNext: I do. I do, I do, I do.
He pretends he doesn’t catch my drift. It’s so not his question I answer. In my mind we’re in church and he’s handcuffed to me for life. Ace is the best man and numerous times he tries to drag J-Man away from the alter. Without luck.
J-Man: Well…
He waits for me to interrupt but I have adopted Uni’s goofy smile and cannot put two words together to a sentence.
J-Man: *clears his throat* I was wondering if UniCorn is in?
I wake up in the middle of the night and my heart races as if I’ve been coking non stop for days. Matt is fast asleep. I go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water. I need to calm my nerves and heart.
Matt: Hey, what are you doing up?
He is barely awake but makes his way to the fridge, eyes closed. He reaches out for the milk and I absent-mindedly hand him a glass. We stand there in our jim-jams, half asleep, with no lights on apart from the fridge’s.
Matt: I need to get back to bed.
So he leaves me alone but I am still shaken from the nightmare and I sit down on a chair by the window and listen to the heavy rain and storm. I sit there for five minutes and then I shuffle back to the bedroom before I get too cold.
Matt is taking up most of the bed. I ask him to scoot over. No reaction. I sit down on the edge of the mattress and ask him again in a louder tone. Still no reaction. Then I poke him and he mumbles something but only moves a few inches. I sigh and make my way into bed. I push and shove and pull the duvet over myself. I can hear him breathe. As long as he doesn’t snore, it’s comforting to hear him beside me. I dose off.
I hear kissing noises.
Matt: You’re hot!
Muffled voice: You’re incredibly handsome.
I open my eyes slowly.
Matt: Turn over, sweetie.
Muffled voice: I can’t. I already have my back to the wall.
Matt: Shit.
Muffed voice: Can you move over, baby?
Matt: No. She’s already on the edge of the bed.
Muffled voice: Damn.
My heart races again – I sit up straight and turn to Matt. He’s about to kiss J-Man.
FridayNext: NO!
I wake up by the sound of my struggle for breath. I keep gasping. Then I turn to Matt who’s fast asleep and I slap him on the cheek.
Matt: Ouch!
FridayNext: Don’t you ever do that again!
Matt: What?
FridayNext: Go back to sleep.
He sighs and pretends that he has no idea what the heck I’m talking about. I hog the duvet again and turn my back to him. I cannot believe that he’s snogging my future husband. It keeps pestering me so I get up again but this time I go into the living room to channel surf.
I walk in on Spidey and J-Man in the sofa. Spidey leans on J-Man’s broad shoulders and they snugglingly watch an action packed movie. I look in disbelief and finally throw my arms up in the air.
Friday Next: So basically you fancy anybody but me?!
J-Man: Well…
And he trails off and Spidey asks me to move my big butt because he can only see an inch of the screen. I have no clever comeback for that comment so I do a marathon to the kitchen and hunt down all the wrong food groups. When dawn comes, the nightmares must stop, surely.
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
Personal Projects all in One Day
I work on a brand new layout for our coming titles
I answer questions about our bookkeeping
I supply inventory to our worldwide stocks
I write two contracts from scratch and hand them over to the TheBoss for his signature
I support my new – and great! – colleague
I reboot my computer several times and try to alleviate power problems by sorting old emails
I write J-Man a note that I won’t be able to supply him with more info today
J-Man: What are you working on that takes up all your time?
I break down in tears and want to call him. The conversation would have been something like this:
FridayNext: It’s too much for me!
J-Man: What is?
FridayNext: All those tasks and I feel so alone.
J-Man: You just take one task at a time.
FridayNext: I know. But I was born to multi-task and I can’t focus on only one thing at a time.
J-Man: You need to take a deep breath.
FridayNext: I love you so much.
J-Man: *keeps quiet until I hang up*
Instead I stay mature on email, tell him that I’m busy with various tasks and that I may feel a bit burnt out. What he says in reality is:
J-Man: I got a new Mac. It’s faster than speed of light.
FridayNext: Send me a picture. I want to see it!
Bizarrely enough he does and I admire it and mail him that I can definitely understand if he’s head over heels at the moment. What I don’t write is that I don’t understand how come he’s not head over heels with me.
At the end of the working day, UniCorn texts me several times and life feels okay for a brief second. And then I spend time with my bike and life is put on hold for a bit.
InBox: Something’s wrong.
Matt: Everything’s fine here.
InBox: I have received some strange emails.
Matt: I doubt they’re from her. She’s hanging out with me most of the time.
InBox: I don’t think the mails are from her.
Matt: Perhaps he’s been chatting online on his laptop at home.
Silence
InBox & Matt in UniSon: *bursting from laughter*
InBox: Hey, good one! J-Man and chatting in the same sentence!
Matt: Thanks. It just popped out!
The kitchen is a mess, but according to Spidey the Chef that’s the price for cooking up new dishes. These are the faves so far:
Chocolate Sandwich:
White toast
Smear a thick layer of butter
Smear a thick layer of runny milk chocolate
White toast
Marshmallow Biscuits:
2 marshmallows per biscuit
Chocolate sauce
Warm the marshmallows in the oven
Smear chocolate sauce on two biscuits
Place a marshmallow on each biscuit
Press two biscuits together
Eat immediately
Another day has been put to bed and soon we’ll be tucked under the covers as well. Goodnight.
I answer questions about our bookkeeping
I supply inventory to our worldwide stocks
I write two contracts from scratch and hand them over to the TheBoss for his signature
I support my new – and great! – colleague
I reboot my computer several times and try to alleviate power problems by sorting old emails
I write J-Man a note that I won’t be able to supply him with more info today
J-Man: What are you working on that takes up all your time?
I break down in tears and want to call him. The conversation would have been something like this:
FridayNext: It’s too much for me!
J-Man: What is?
FridayNext: All those tasks and I feel so alone.
J-Man: You just take one task at a time.
FridayNext: I know. But I was born to multi-task and I can’t focus on only one thing at a time.
J-Man: You need to take a deep breath.
FridayNext: I love you so much.
J-Man: *keeps quiet until I hang up*
Instead I stay mature on email, tell him that I’m busy with various tasks and that I may feel a bit burnt out. What he says in reality is:
J-Man: I got a new Mac. It’s faster than speed of light.
FridayNext: Send me a picture. I want to see it!
Bizarrely enough he does and I admire it and mail him that I can definitely understand if he’s head over heels at the moment. What I don’t write is that I don’t understand how come he’s not head over heels with me.
At the end of the working day, UniCorn texts me several times and life feels okay for a brief second. And then I spend time with my bike and life is put on hold for a bit.
InBox: Something’s wrong.
Matt: Everything’s fine here.
InBox: I have received some strange emails.
Matt: I doubt they’re from her. She’s hanging out with me most of the time.
InBox: I don’t think the mails are from her.
Matt: Perhaps he’s been chatting online on his laptop at home.
Silence
InBox & Matt in UniSon: *bursting from laughter*
InBox: Hey, good one! J-Man and chatting in the same sentence!
Matt: Thanks. It just popped out!
The kitchen is a mess, but according to Spidey the Chef that’s the price for cooking up new dishes. These are the faves so far:
Chocolate Sandwich:
White toast
Smear a thick layer of butter
Smear a thick layer of runny milk chocolate
White toast
Marshmallow Biscuits:
2 marshmallows per biscuit
Chocolate sauce
Warm the marshmallows in the oven
Smear chocolate sauce on two biscuits
Place a marshmallow on each biscuit
Press two biscuits together
Eat immediately
Another day has been put to bed and soon we’ll be tucked under the covers as well. Goodnight.
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
Back on the Chain Gang
Saturday afternoon Matt picked me up from the hospital. He wouldn’t allow me to visit my bike on our way home. He said it was fine and that it just needed a trim in the shop. I chose to stay naïve and went into the taxi. In the backseat Matt put his arm around my shoulders and told me that I should just relax and recuperate.
Sunday Spidey woke me early in the morning with burnt toast and dry cheese on the side. He crunched away and slurped his coffee in the middle of my bed. I tried to convince him to use a plate but he ignored me. Matt finally took his duvet and left for the sofa in the living room.
Sunday passed slowly. We stayed in our jim-jams all day and snuggled under our covers. I toured the sofa, the armchair and then back to the sofa. I made brief detours to the kitchen for snacks, drinks and fruit. We watched old sitcoms on dvd and barely spoke except for the odd laughter now and again.
Monday came and I was forced to take the train because the bike was still in the shop. Derailment in the middle of the night meant delays in the rush hour and super crowded carriages. To top it off, it was raining heavily and everybody smelt like wet dog.
Only 45 minutes late at work, I checked my emails and there were lots and lots and lots. The downside of being run over and missing a day’s work is that people won’t forgive silence unless you specify how come you are not able to serve them an answer immediately.
J-Man: You’ve been quiet for some time. That’s not like you. Have you gone away on holiday?
I blushed and I wanted to frame the email and send him all my love and tell him that he’s the best thing in my life apart from UniCorn. But then I woke up to reality check.
There were questions that needed to be answered and jobs to be looked after ASAP. Then a bite from the packed lunch that Matt and Spidey had prepared especially for me because apparently I needed my strength back after being hospitalised for less than 24 hours. And lots of fluid so trips to the bathroom inconveniently broke my routines.
Spidey met me after hours and took me home. I popped a couple of pills to avoid sickness but I managed to get a migraine from the cross-town swinging trip. He surprised me by stopping at the bike shop and I got my bike back. It’s scarred and fragile, but like me it’ll get back on its wheels in no time and then we’ll take on the world again. It takes more than a lorry to kill us off. Hopefully.
Tuesday turned into a sweatshop day with arguments with TheBoss, numerous mails to J-Man, brief communication with Ace, all work related, not a word out of place. More arguments with TheBoss. Cancelled meetings, correspondence with people who forget their promises from last week and now we’re not prepared properly for a meeting on Thursday. More mails to J-Man. No more mails to Ace.
And now. Tuesday evening. Music on. The boys are in the kitchen, gossiping about who knows what. We’ll meet up in the living room in half an hour to watch telly together. Don’t know what’s on. I count the days to Saturday because I miss UniCorn terribly. But first I need to get this week over and done with.
Sunday Spidey woke me early in the morning with burnt toast and dry cheese on the side. He crunched away and slurped his coffee in the middle of my bed. I tried to convince him to use a plate but he ignored me. Matt finally took his duvet and left for the sofa in the living room.
Sunday passed slowly. We stayed in our jim-jams all day and snuggled under our covers. I toured the sofa, the armchair and then back to the sofa. I made brief detours to the kitchen for snacks, drinks and fruit. We watched old sitcoms on dvd and barely spoke except for the odd laughter now and again.
Monday came and I was forced to take the train because the bike was still in the shop. Derailment in the middle of the night meant delays in the rush hour and super crowded carriages. To top it off, it was raining heavily and everybody smelt like wet dog.
Only 45 minutes late at work, I checked my emails and there were lots and lots and lots. The downside of being run over and missing a day’s work is that people won’t forgive silence unless you specify how come you are not able to serve them an answer immediately.
J-Man: You’ve been quiet for some time. That’s not like you. Have you gone away on holiday?
I blushed and I wanted to frame the email and send him all my love and tell him that he’s the best thing in my life apart from UniCorn. But then I woke up to reality check.
There were questions that needed to be answered and jobs to be looked after ASAP. Then a bite from the packed lunch that Matt and Spidey had prepared especially for me because apparently I needed my strength back after being hospitalised for less than 24 hours. And lots of fluid so trips to the bathroom inconveniently broke my routines.
Spidey met me after hours and took me home. I popped a couple of pills to avoid sickness but I managed to get a migraine from the cross-town swinging trip. He surprised me by stopping at the bike shop and I got my bike back. It’s scarred and fragile, but like me it’ll get back on its wheels in no time and then we’ll take on the world again. It takes more than a lorry to kill us off. Hopefully.
Tuesday turned into a sweatshop day with arguments with TheBoss, numerous mails to J-Man, brief communication with Ace, all work related, not a word out of place. More arguments with TheBoss. Cancelled meetings, correspondence with people who forget their promises from last week and now we’re not prepared properly for a meeting on Thursday. More mails to J-Man. No more mails to Ace.
And now. Tuesday evening. Music on. The boys are in the kitchen, gossiping about who knows what. We’ll meet up in the living room in half an hour to watch telly together. Don’t know what’s on. I count the days to Saturday because I miss UniCorn terribly. But first I need to get this week over and done with.
Sunday, 4 November 2007
Brief Encounter with a Lorry
Friday morning on my way to work I pedal like mad. Lights are on. Gloves are on. Helmet is on. Rain proof body suit – free us from the mental pictures – is on. I’m twenty minutes away from my destination. I turn right and ride down a heavily parked road. Not much room for passing traffic.
The medication has kicked in. I am a happy chipmunk, chewing gum, humming an ancient U2 song (why oh why oh why?!?) and noticing a lorry that is coming my way. It doesn’t slow down. Surely the driver must have seen my lights. Or my helmet. Or my full body suit. Come on, The International Space Station can see me, that’s how much I light up!
But the driver apparently hasn’t seen me so two seconds away from me he speeds up and he swerves away from a couple of parked cars and although I push all the way to the curb, I’ll be mince meat in a second.
Everything is dark. My lights are off. I can hear somebody scream. I wish I had no hearing. The screaming continues. Shut up shut up shut up shut up. I can smell blood. Sweet smell. I can taste blood as well. More screaming.
Paramedic: I know you’re in pain, but could you stop screaming for a second? We’re all going deaf here.
I want to say that I agree. Shut up, whoever it is. Then I feel a tap on my left shoulder.
Paramedic: Please stop screaming!
Oh. I pipe down. If this is all about death, I don’t understand why I haven’t had my two minutes of fun reel to reel time. Aren’t I supposed to relive all the good times I’ve had over the years before I snuff it? But I haven’t seen any pictures of UniCorn or my bike. Not even Spidey or Matt. I had hoped I would see J-Man as well.
Paramedic: We need some help to lift her into the ambulance.
Spectator1: Oh, my back injury is acting up again.
Spectator2: Sorry, I have to…and then something…but if I had time…
Paramedic: This sucks!
One of the paramedics stays with me in the ambulance. I try chatting him up but he ignores all my questions. Instead he prods and pokes me as if I’m a pin cushion. He has great eyes, though. I smile.
Paramedic: God, you’ll need to see a dentist when all this is over.
Not exactly what you would like a man to notice about you so I close my mouth and eyes. Three seconds later I vomit all over myself – that’s another thing you shouldn’t do in front of a man. Sound advice from MumNext.
After a pit stop, the ambulance is on the road again and I’ve been put in a comfy hospital bed. A doctor enters the room and along with him are Spidey and UniCorn.
Doctor: What day is it?
FridayNext: Friday.
Doctor: What’s your name?
FridayNext: Friday.
Doctor: She doesn’t make any sense!
Spidey: It really is her name.
Doctor: Oh. And this is your helmet?
FridayNext: It’s not green. It’s red.
Doctor: Your helmet is red.
FridayNext: Quite.
Doctor: So this is indeed your red helmet?
FridayNext: If it’s not green, then yes.
Doctor: Oh my god, I think she has a brain tumour.
Spidey: Don’t worry about it. This is how she normally is.
FridayNext: I love you.
Doctor: All my patients say that.
FridayNext: What’s your name?
Doctor: Doctor.
FridayNext: Doctor J-Man?
Doctor: Sorry?
UniCorn: Thank you, doctor. This could be an endless conversation. We’ll take it from here.
Spidey: Thanks.
Doctor: Anytime.
FridayNext: Call me? My mobile number is 616…
UniCorn: Spidey, where’s Matt?
Spidey: He’s on his way.
UniCorn: *sighing* Fri, Fri, Fri!
FridayNext: If you add potatoes, you’ll get chips!
Spidey: Her sense of humour is so off!
UniCorn: I can’t tell if she’s on the mend or getting worse.
FridayNext: J-Man. What a silly name he’s got. Can I have another vowel, please?
So while I’m heavily sedated I dream about Ken. He’s J-Man’s older brother. At least he looks like his older brother. And if you squint, he’s kind of dreamy in a tasteless way. Not flashy or trendy or incredibly insanely gorgeously fabulously stunningly amazingly wonderfully spectacularly handsome and charming like J-Man. But he’s probably 8-15 years older than J-Man which brings him closer to my age bracket.
Ken runs the local supermarket. I haven’t memorised his schedule. Yet. He’s rarely available when I come in after work. Days and weeks go by without me seeing him or thinking about him. Then he pops up in one of the aisles or sits in one of the check outs. One day I walked into a woman who was queuing because I was staring at Ken at the check out. She scolded me and I apologised. Ken had absolutely no idea what was going on.
I remember him now because I’ve seen him twice this week. One afternoon he was speeding around the aisles but I didn’t notice him until I waited in the check out line. I stood there, waiting for my groceries. In my sweat-through rainproof body suit and my red helmet and running nose and smeared makeup. Hi hon. Notice me? Of course not. But he noticed a couple of friends of his and he ran towards them, face lit up in a wonderful smile and eyes twinkled. And I stood next to these friends and he had no idea that I existed at all.
Two days later I was standing in line again. It’s numbingly boring and usually I put on conga lines in my mind. It’s my virtual soundtrack and it’s good for any purpose really. So conga lines. And Ken is called to one of the check out lines. He comes running. Oh the man can run. He helps his colleague and then leaves the scene. I am beyond any decency so I twist and turn my head in his direction. Conga lines are still on. Another minute or so passes. Then Ken returns. Oh and does he make an entry or what! He jumps over a metal hedge, opens a check out and invites customers over.
I play it cool – for once – and follow the queue over to him. Two customers in front of me, then one customer in front of me. My turn.
Hi.
Hi hi hi.
Hello.
Can I snog you?
Bear my children.
I love you!
Then I remember that he’s not J-Man. I can’t recycle the lines I’ve already worked on J-Man. That would be sacrilege.
The customer in front of me is hogging my time with Ken. He forgot that he should also have some blah blah blah. And blah blah. I send him my evil eye but he’s completely indifferent. Ken is as service minded as ever. He never small talks with customers but keeps the line going with swift and quick movements. So the few seconds I finally have with him is utterly interrupted by that brute of a man who has no idea that either J-Man or Ken is to be my coming husband and father of my numerous children.
While the man yammers on about his groceries, I notice Ken’s dirty fingers and nails. I see that his hands are not as big as J-Man’s. And what is that yellow bracelet all about? At first I think it’s a “I went to a great party yesterday and there were trendy DJs (J-Man) and bartenders (Ace) and I smoked and coked and sniffed” ticket-bracelet. Until I suddenly remember that this is something that Gorgeous Gyllenhaal also wears. So it’s bound to be for something healthy and it dawns on me that it’s about cancer and Lance Armstrong (he bikes!) and illness and survival, etc.
So Ken may be a bit dirty around the nails but he’s got social conscience and he makes a statement and he’s really got lovely eyes.
And thinking about Ken I also wonder whether good looking men can get away with doing a crappy effort at their jobs. Apparently Ken can because since he took over the supermarket, it’s gone downhill when it comes to service and stock. I haven’t complained yet. I did the last time the supermarket took a plunge that was not nearly as bad as the present fall.
Matt: Hey, are you awake?
FridayNext: Matt?
Matt: Who’s Ken?
FridayNext: Ken? Oh, the supermarket guy. Remember?
Matt: Yeah, the incompetent one.
FridayNext: I’m bored.
Matt: You can come home tomorrow.
FridayNext: This kinda screwed up our fun packed weekend.
Matt: Well, there’s always next weekend.
FridayNext: Honey, I’m gonna hang out with Uni next Saturday.
Matt: Why?!
FridayNext: Sweetie.
Matt: Okay.
The medication has kicked in. I am a happy chipmunk, chewing gum, humming an ancient U2 song (why oh why oh why?!?) and noticing a lorry that is coming my way. It doesn’t slow down. Surely the driver must have seen my lights. Or my helmet. Or my full body suit. Come on, The International Space Station can see me, that’s how much I light up!
But the driver apparently hasn’t seen me so two seconds away from me he speeds up and he swerves away from a couple of parked cars and although I push all the way to the curb, I’ll be mince meat in a second.
Everything is dark. My lights are off. I can hear somebody scream. I wish I had no hearing. The screaming continues. Shut up shut up shut up shut up. I can smell blood. Sweet smell. I can taste blood as well. More screaming.
Paramedic: I know you’re in pain, but could you stop screaming for a second? We’re all going deaf here.
I want to say that I agree. Shut up, whoever it is. Then I feel a tap on my left shoulder.
Paramedic: Please stop screaming!
Oh. I pipe down. If this is all about death, I don’t understand why I haven’t had my two minutes of fun reel to reel time. Aren’t I supposed to relive all the good times I’ve had over the years before I snuff it? But I haven’t seen any pictures of UniCorn or my bike. Not even Spidey or Matt. I had hoped I would see J-Man as well.
Paramedic: We need some help to lift her into the ambulance.
Spectator1: Oh, my back injury is acting up again.
Spectator2: Sorry, I have to…and then something…but if I had time…
Paramedic: This sucks!
One of the paramedics stays with me in the ambulance. I try chatting him up but he ignores all my questions. Instead he prods and pokes me as if I’m a pin cushion. He has great eyes, though. I smile.
Paramedic: God, you’ll need to see a dentist when all this is over.
Not exactly what you would like a man to notice about you so I close my mouth and eyes. Three seconds later I vomit all over myself – that’s another thing you shouldn’t do in front of a man. Sound advice from MumNext.
After a pit stop, the ambulance is on the road again and I’ve been put in a comfy hospital bed. A doctor enters the room and along with him are Spidey and UniCorn.
Doctor: What day is it?
FridayNext: Friday.
Doctor: What’s your name?
FridayNext: Friday.
Doctor: She doesn’t make any sense!
Spidey: It really is her name.
Doctor: Oh. And this is your helmet?
FridayNext: It’s not green. It’s red.
Doctor: Your helmet is red.
FridayNext: Quite.
Doctor: So this is indeed your red helmet?
FridayNext: If it’s not green, then yes.
Doctor: Oh my god, I think she has a brain tumour.
Spidey: Don’t worry about it. This is how she normally is.
FridayNext: I love you.
Doctor: All my patients say that.
FridayNext: What’s your name?
Doctor: Doctor.
FridayNext: Doctor J-Man?
Doctor: Sorry?
UniCorn: Thank you, doctor. This could be an endless conversation. We’ll take it from here.
Spidey: Thanks.
Doctor: Anytime.
FridayNext: Call me? My mobile number is 616…
UniCorn: Spidey, where’s Matt?
Spidey: He’s on his way.
UniCorn: *sighing* Fri, Fri, Fri!
FridayNext: If you add potatoes, you’ll get chips!
Spidey: Her sense of humour is so off!
UniCorn: I can’t tell if she’s on the mend or getting worse.
FridayNext: J-Man. What a silly name he’s got. Can I have another vowel, please?
So while I’m heavily sedated I dream about Ken. He’s J-Man’s older brother. At least he looks like his older brother. And if you squint, he’s kind of dreamy in a tasteless way. Not flashy or trendy or incredibly insanely gorgeously fabulously stunningly amazingly wonderfully spectacularly handsome and charming like J-Man. But he’s probably 8-15 years older than J-Man which brings him closer to my age bracket.
Ken runs the local supermarket. I haven’t memorised his schedule. Yet. He’s rarely available when I come in after work. Days and weeks go by without me seeing him or thinking about him. Then he pops up in one of the aisles or sits in one of the check outs. One day I walked into a woman who was queuing because I was staring at Ken at the check out. She scolded me and I apologised. Ken had absolutely no idea what was going on.
I remember him now because I’ve seen him twice this week. One afternoon he was speeding around the aisles but I didn’t notice him until I waited in the check out line. I stood there, waiting for my groceries. In my sweat-through rainproof body suit and my red helmet and running nose and smeared makeup. Hi hon. Notice me? Of course not. But he noticed a couple of friends of his and he ran towards them, face lit up in a wonderful smile and eyes twinkled. And I stood next to these friends and he had no idea that I existed at all.
Two days later I was standing in line again. It’s numbingly boring and usually I put on conga lines in my mind. It’s my virtual soundtrack and it’s good for any purpose really. So conga lines. And Ken is called to one of the check out lines. He comes running. Oh the man can run. He helps his colleague and then leaves the scene. I am beyond any decency so I twist and turn my head in his direction. Conga lines are still on. Another minute or so passes. Then Ken returns. Oh and does he make an entry or what! He jumps over a metal hedge, opens a check out and invites customers over.
I play it cool – for once – and follow the queue over to him. Two customers in front of me, then one customer in front of me. My turn.
Hi.
Hi hi hi.
Hello.
Can I snog you?
Bear my children.
I love you!
Then I remember that he’s not J-Man. I can’t recycle the lines I’ve already worked on J-Man. That would be sacrilege.
The customer in front of me is hogging my time with Ken. He forgot that he should also have some blah blah blah. And blah blah. I send him my evil eye but he’s completely indifferent. Ken is as service minded as ever. He never small talks with customers but keeps the line going with swift and quick movements. So the few seconds I finally have with him is utterly interrupted by that brute of a man who has no idea that either J-Man or Ken is to be my coming husband and father of my numerous children.
While the man yammers on about his groceries, I notice Ken’s dirty fingers and nails. I see that his hands are not as big as J-Man’s. And what is that yellow bracelet all about? At first I think it’s a “I went to a great party yesterday and there were trendy DJs (J-Man) and bartenders (Ace) and I smoked and coked and sniffed” ticket-bracelet. Until I suddenly remember that this is something that Gorgeous Gyllenhaal also wears. So it’s bound to be for something healthy and it dawns on me that it’s about cancer and Lance Armstrong (he bikes!) and illness and survival, etc.
So Ken may be a bit dirty around the nails but he’s got social conscience and he makes a statement and he’s really got lovely eyes.
And thinking about Ken I also wonder whether good looking men can get away with doing a crappy effort at their jobs. Apparently Ken can because since he took over the supermarket, it’s gone downhill when it comes to service and stock. I haven’t complained yet. I did the last time the supermarket took a plunge that was not nearly as bad as the present fall.
Matt: Hey, are you awake?
FridayNext: Matt?
Matt: Who’s Ken?
FridayNext: Ken? Oh, the supermarket guy. Remember?
Matt: Yeah, the incompetent one.
FridayNext: I’m bored.
Matt: You can come home tomorrow.
FridayNext: This kinda screwed up our fun packed weekend.
Matt: Well, there’s always next weekend.
FridayNext: Honey, I’m gonna hang out with Uni next Saturday.
Matt: Why?!
FridayNext: Sweetie.
Matt: Okay.
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