TheBoss: So all in all, I think that you should reply to the 47 emails on my behalf. Then I need your help – I can’t remember how to logon to the photocopier. It won’t start.
FridayNext: It’s the same logon that you use for your computer.
TheBoss: No it isn’t.
FridayNext: Yes it is.
TheBoss: Noooo it isn’t!
FridayNext: Sure it is.
TheBoss: NO! It isn’t!
FridayNext: *sighing under her breath* I’ll switch it on for you.
TheBoss: Thank you. That would be lovely.
FridayNext: You’re welcome.
TheBoss: Where’s UniCorn?
FridayNext: She left hours ago. She popped her head into your office to say goodbye but you were on the phone.
TheBoss: Really? Are you sure?
FridayNext: Quite.
TheBoss: Hmmm. I forwarded you an email today…
FridayNext: No you didn’t.
TheBoss: Yes I did.
FridayNext: No, I’m sure you didn’t.
TheBoss: Yeeeees I did!
FridayNext: No you didn’t!
TheBoss: Yes! I did!
FridayNext: But I haven’t received any mails from you today. Look at my inbox…
THE SOUND OF SUCTION CUPS ON THE WINDOW
TheBoss: What was that?
FridayNext: What?
TheBoss: *pointing frantically* Oh my god! Look! Behind you! On the window!
FridayNext: *keeping a straight face when seeing Spidey outside the window* It’s nothing. You’re exhausted from your three weeks holiday. Perhaps you should sit down for a bit in your office.
TheBoss: Yeah, perhaps I’m still jetlagged…
FridayNext: Of course you are. It’s only been two weeks since you came back from the States, right? It takes months to recover from a flight like that.
When TheBoss has left her office FridayNext opens the window and Spidey zooms in.
FridayNext: What are you doing here?
Spidey: I thought I’d pick you up.
FridayNext: Sorry?
Spidey: Yeah, you’re not on your bike today, are you? So I thought I’d pick you up so you don’t have to take the train home.
FridayNext: Aaaawwww, Spidey! Come here…
Spidey: Don’t!
FridayNext: *making kissing sounds and holding out her arms* You’re so sweet!
Spidey: Get off me!
FridayNext: *kissing him on his right cheek and hugging him* You’re such a wonderful friend. I love you!
Spidey: *sighing* Okay then.
FridayNext: I can’t go with you. I didn’t bring my pills.
Spidey: Silly me. I knew that. I should have brought some!
FridayNext: Oh, you’re just getting sweeter and sweeter by the minute!
Spidey: I’m going. You’re too gooey for me!
FridayNext: Okay. See you at home.
InBox: What’s up?
Matt: Hey, good to hear from you! How are you?
InBox: Fine.
Matt: That’s great.
Blank spaces for a while
Matt: So…
InBox: …yeah…so…
Matt: Are you sure you’re alright?
InBox: Of course!
Matt: It’s just that you seem to…
InBox: Look, we’re busy, okay? VERY busy. And that’s good.
Matt: Okay.
InBox: And when we’re busy it means that we have a lot to do. Every day.
Matt: Mmmm
InBox: So…
Matt: …
InBox: He works from home at night.
Matt: Oh!
InBox: That f*cking laptop of his!
Matt: But he transfers all data to you in the morning, right?
InBox: I wish!
Matt: What is wrong with that man!
InBox: He’s just…dreamy…
Matt: WHAT?!
InBox: I’m sorry, but he is.
Matt: Not you as well!
InBox: I hate his laptop. It behaves sooooo superior!
Matt: Why is everybody in love with him? Who made him irresistible to women?!
InBox: *sighing* He has long fingers.
Matt: So do pianists.
InBox: And he’s focused and doesn’t say much. I like that.
Matt: So basically he doesn’t know what the hell he should say to people so he keeps quiet.
InBox: You’re so wrong. He’s quiet because he is clever.
Matt: Shesh!
InBox: And he doesn’t have a need to show off.
Matt: So speaking to people is showing off?
FridayNext: Hi Matt. Whatcha doing?
Matt: *slams down the laptop* Honey, I didn’t hear you come home.
FridayNext: Can you believe that Spidey picked me up at work? Awwww, it was so sweet of him! I didn’t bring my pills so I took the train home instead.
Matt: Pills?
FridayNext: Yeah, I get carsick, y’know.
Matt: Carsick?
FridayNext: From the swaying.
Matt: Swaying?
FridayNext: Matt, sweetie, you are beginning to annoy me!
Matt: Sorry, but carsick and swaying???
FridayNext: Whenever I go on a rollercoaster, I feel carsick. So I take a pill before I go on a rollercoaster. And swaying cross-city with Spidey resembles a rollercoaster ride so…I need to take a pill before I…oh, you get it!
Matt: Okay…let’s say that I do.
FridayNext: I’m hungry. I’ll clear the fridge.
Matt: Okay. See you in a bit, sweetie.
InBox: Oh god, she’s a psycho alright!
Matt: Don’t go there! Not tonight.
InBox: Sorry. Good to talk to you, Matt. Don’t be a stranger.
Matt: Ditto. Chill.
InBox: Chill.
Thursday, 30 August 2007
Wednesday, 29 August 2007
Dinner Without André
Nobody’s home. For the first time in weeks I have the flat to myself but all I want to do is rant and rave about my crappy day, and the boys have gone out. Darn it. I want them to come home. Now! Does this mean that I have to cook dinner? Matt usually cooks now.
Spidey: You are weak, man!
Matt: *exasperated and out of breath* No I’m not!
Spidey: No wonder Friday doesn’t love you. Look at you. You have no skills!
Matt: Yes I do!
Spidey: Well, climbing up a wall isn’t one of them, bud.
Matt: I give up. I want to die.
Spidey: You know that you’re only four feet up, right? It’s not like you’re almost at the top.
Matt: *Lets go of the harness* Aaaahhhhh! And look at the time! Friday wants her dinner.
Spidey: You are so whipped!
Matt stares at Spidey who just shrugs and gathers the gear.
Matt: Why doesn’t she love me?
Spidey: *moaning* Why doesn’t she love me… Ignore her! The minute you ignore her, she’ll come running like I don’t know what. Isn’t that what that dude does all the time?
Matt: I hate him!
Spidey: But he knows how to treat a woman, apparently. She’d be all over him if he gave her the chance. So ignore her.
Matt: I can’t.
Spidey: Sucker.
UniTextMessage: Howdy
FridayTextMessage: I’m so not howdying you!
UniTextMessage: Still sore from your encounter with NastyBookKeeperMan?
FridayTextMessage: Goaway!
UniTextMessage: Thought I’d invite myself to dinner at your place tonight. ChessBoy is out.
FridayTextMessage: Out where?
UniTextMessage: Playing chess, as usual. So can I come over?
FridayTextMessage: Of course you can! You know I love you!
UniTextMessage: Only too well – see you in a mo!
Matt: Sweetie, we’re…
Spidey: *smacking Matt’s right arm*
Matt: Ouch! Darling, we’re…
Spidey: *smacking Matt’s left arm*
Matt: Stop it! Hon, we’re hom…
Spidey: *smacking Matt’s left cheek*
Matt: Why are you doing this to me?
Spidey: You got short attention span!
Matt: Riiiiight. Friday, we’re home. Is dinner on the table yet?
Spidey: Niiiice. Of course she’ll kill you for that last remark, y’know!
FridayNext: Dinner? Sure. I’ve already set the table. It’ll just be another five minutes, sweetling.
Spidey and Matt: *look at each other in disbelief* Great.
Spidey: Now she’s really scaring me!
The doorbell. It must be Uni. Wheee! I remove the pan from the hot stove, open the oven door and take out the dead pig that’s almost cremated to charred debris, put the oven mitts away and run to the front door. Matt is already there.
Matt: Oh. Hi Uni.
UniCorn: Hi Matt!
Matt: Come in. You’re just in time for dinner.
UniCorn: Friday invited me over!
She’s smiling the goofy smile and she’s ignoring me. Matt closes the door behind her. She’s standing really close to him. Then she looks him straight in the eyes. I don’t like where this is going.
UniCorn: *in a purring voice* We have known each other for a long time now, Matt. I usually hug people when I say hi.
And out goes her octopus arms and she embraces him and it’s not like when she embraces me. She’s holding on tightly. I can see that. Matt smiles politely. He’s being overbearing. And then he puts his arms around her and squeezes her a bit. Then he lets go. She almost loses her footing.
UniCorn: Oh no. I seem to have sprained my ankle. I can’t stand on my left foot at all.
And she leans in and says in a whispery yet theatrical tone of voice:
UniCorn: Oh Matt, now you must carry me!
I’m lost for words.
Matt: Oh. But…
She doesn’t let him decide whether it’s a good idea to carry her into the living room. She throws her right arm around his neck and jumps up. He has to catch her. I’m frozen in disbelief. I cannot move at all. He carries her into the living room and I slowly come to and follow them.
Spidey: What the hell is wrong with you?
UniCorn: Hi Spidey. How are you?
Spidey: For one thing my legs are working just fine.
Matt sits her on a chair at the dining room table. I snap to it and get the meat that was once known as pork.
UniCorn: Oh Spidey! You’re so funny. How come you’re orange?
Spidey: What do you mean?
UniCorn: You’re orange! Haven’t you seen yourself in the mirror?
Spidey: I like being orange. What’s wrong with being orange?
Matt: He’s a beta version.
UniCorn: Oh. So you’re not the real deal after all?
Silence
Matt: *in a shrill voice* Fri, do you need any help in the kitchen?
Spidey: I’m real enough!
UniCorn: Sure you are.
And she reaches over and pats his right hand.
I come into the living room with a bowl of salad. I’m not sure what is going on, but Spidey looks slightly temperamental. Uni seems to be back to normal and Matt smiles at me.
Spidey: We need a fork from the kitchen.
Matt: We have all the forks we need.
Spidey: How about a glas?
Matt: Nope.
Spidey: Spoon?
UniCorn: Look Sherlock, Fri has set the table to perfection. We don’t need anything else from the kitchen. What are you on about?
Spidey: That’s it!
And he turns his wrists upside down and the lines zoom by my head. We hear them suck onto something in the kitchen and then he yanks the lines. The sound of a kitchen cabinet’s downfall is evident. I look at him. He looks down on his wrists.
Spidey: Sorry.
Silence
UniCorn: What is this, Fri? It looks overdone. I can’t eat this.
Matt: It’s crunchy though.
FridayNext: I hate my life.
Matt: Don’t say that, honey!
UniCorn: Awwwww.
Spidey: I’ll clean up. Promise.
FridayNext: It’s just…it’s been a crap day and I hate my job and all.
UniCorn: Okay, this is what we’ll do. We’ll order some…SUSHI! From that bitchin’ take away place we found some weeks ago. Then Matt and Spidey can go rent a dvd and we’ll sit in your kicking sofa and watch some Keanu. All of us. Together.
Matt & Spidey: Keanu?!
UniCorn: *ignoring the boys* What’d you say? You like?
FridayNext: I like. I like a lot.
And the crap day turned into a great evening. After all.
Spidey: You are weak, man!
Matt: *exasperated and out of breath* No I’m not!
Spidey: No wonder Friday doesn’t love you. Look at you. You have no skills!
Matt: Yes I do!
Spidey: Well, climbing up a wall isn’t one of them, bud.
Matt: I give up. I want to die.
Spidey: You know that you’re only four feet up, right? It’s not like you’re almost at the top.
Matt: *Lets go of the harness* Aaaahhhhh! And look at the time! Friday wants her dinner.
Spidey: You are so whipped!
Matt stares at Spidey who just shrugs and gathers the gear.
Matt: Why doesn’t she love me?
Spidey: *moaning* Why doesn’t she love me… Ignore her! The minute you ignore her, she’ll come running like I don’t know what. Isn’t that what that dude does all the time?
Matt: I hate him!
Spidey: But he knows how to treat a woman, apparently. She’d be all over him if he gave her the chance. So ignore her.
Matt: I can’t.
Spidey: Sucker.
UniTextMessage: Howdy
FridayTextMessage: I’m so not howdying you!
UniTextMessage: Still sore from your encounter with NastyBookKeeperMan?
FridayTextMessage: Goaway!
UniTextMessage: Thought I’d invite myself to dinner at your place tonight. ChessBoy is out.
FridayTextMessage: Out where?
UniTextMessage: Playing chess, as usual. So can I come over?
FridayTextMessage: Of course you can! You know I love you!
UniTextMessage: Only too well – see you in a mo!
Matt: Sweetie, we’re…
Spidey: *smacking Matt’s right arm*
Matt: Ouch! Darling, we’re…
Spidey: *smacking Matt’s left arm*
Matt: Stop it! Hon, we’re hom…
Spidey: *smacking Matt’s left cheek*
Matt: Why are you doing this to me?
Spidey: You got short attention span!
Matt: Riiiiight. Friday, we’re home. Is dinner on the table yet?
Spidey: Niiiice. Of course she’ll kill you for that last remark, y’know!
FridayNext: Dinner? Sure. I’ve already set the table. It’ll just be another five minutes, sweetling.
Spidey and Matt: *look at each other in disbelief* Great.
Spidey: Now she’s really scaring me!
The doorbell. It must be Uni. Wheee! I remove the pan from the hot stove, open the oven door and take out the dead pig that’s almost cremated to charred debris, put the oven mitts away and run to the front door. Matt is already there.
Matt: Oh. Hi Uni.
UniCorn: Hi Matt!
Matt: Come in. You’re just in time for dinner.
UniCorn: Friday invited me over!
She’s smiling the goofy smile and she’s ignoring me. Matt closes the door behind her. She’s standing really close to him. Then she looks him straight in the eyes. I don’t like where this is going.
UniCorn: *in a purring voice* We have known each other for a long time now, Matt. I usually hug people when I say hi.
And out goes her octopus arms and she embraces him and it’s not like when she embraces me. She’s holding on tightly. I can see that. Matt smiles politely. He’s being overbearing. And then he puts his arms around her and squeezes her a bit. Then he lets go. She almost loses her footing.
UniCorn: Oh no. I seem to have sprained my ankle. I can’t stand on my left foot at all.
And she leans in and says in a whispery yet theatrical tone of voice:
UniCorn: Oh Matt, now you must carry me!
I’m lost for words.
Matt: Oh. But…
She doesn’t let him decide whether it’s a good idea to carry her into the living room. She throws her right arm around his neck and jumps up. He has to catch her. I’m frozen in disbelief. I cannot move at all. He carries her into the living room and I slowly come to and follow them.
Spidey: What the hell is wrong with you?
UniCorn: Hi Spidey. How are you?
Spidey: For one thing my legs are working just fine.
Matt sits her on a chair at the dining room table. I snap to it and get the meat that was once known as pork.
UniCorn: Oh Spidey! You’re so funny. How come you’re orange?
Spidey: What do you mean?
UniCorn: You’re orange! Haven’t you seen yourself in the mirror?
Spidey: I like being orange. What’s wrong with being orange?
Matt: He’s a beta version.
UniCorn: Oh. So you’re not the real deal after all?
Silence
Matt: *in a shrill voice* Fri, do you need any help in the kitchen?
Spidey: I’m real enough!
UniCorn: Sure you are.
And she reaches over and pats his right hand.
I come into the living room with a bowl of salad. I’m not sure what is going on, but Spidey looks slightly temperamental. Uni seems to be back to normal and Matt smiles at me.
Spidey: We need a fork from the kitchen.
Matt: We have all the forks we need.
Spidey: How about a glas?
Matt: Nope.
Spidey: Spoon?
UniCorn: Look Sherlock, Fri has set the table to perfection. We don’t need anything else from the kitchen. What are you on about?
Spidey: That’s it!
And he turns his wrists upside down and the lines zoom by my head. We hear them suck onto something in the kitchen and then he yanks the lines. The sound of a kitchen cabinet’s downfall is evident. I look at him. He looks down on his wrists.
Spidey: Sorry.
Silence
UniCorn: What is this, Fri? It looks overdone. I can’t eat this.
Matt: It’s crunchy though.
FridayNext: I hate my life.
Matt: Don’t say that, honey!
UniCorn: Awwwww.
Spidey: I’ll clean up. Promise.
FridayNext: It’s just…it’s been a crap day and I hate my job and all.
UniCorn: Okay, this is what we’ll do. We’ll order some…SUSHI! From that bitchin’ take away place we found some weeks ago. Then Matt and Spidey can go rent a dvd and we’ll sit in your kicking sofa and watch some Keanu. All of us. Together.
Matt & Spidey: Keanu?!
UniCorn: *ignoring the boys* What’d you say? You like?
FridayNext: I like. I like a lot.
And the crap day turned into a great evening. After all.
Tuesday, 28 August 2007
Creepy Encounter in the Office
UniCorn is sitting at her computer, pretending to work her ass of, when all of a sudden, out of the corner of her eye, she sees someone standing in the doorway. She turns and sees the company’s bookkeeper, who only comes in a few times a month.
UniCorn: Ew… I mean: Hi.
NastyBookKeeperMan: Hello
UniCorn feels revulsion within her. He is definitely one of the creepiest men she has ever laid her eyes on. He’s bald and tanned, which is perhaps not necessarily that disgusting. But he’s weird and creepy and she gets a nasty vibe from him. And he has teeth missing – who has teeth missing these days anyway, she wonders. And he’s just so annoying, and now he’s standing there just lingering and staring with that odd toothless smile that makes her so uncomfortable.
NastyBookKeeperMan: You know, I’m a really busy man. *moving closer so that he’s standing right next to UniCorn* It’s because I’m so competent and important. Don’t think my company could do without me – I have all the big customers.
UniCorn: Oh, right *silently remembering all the crappy work he’s done for them*
She tries staring at her screen to look busy and make him go away. But he doesn’t get it. At all.
NastyBookKeeperMan: I’m going on a holiday in a few weeks.
UniCorn: Mm
NastyBookKeeperMan: I’m travelling to a far off place to do some exploring. North is where I’m going. To take pictures.
UniCorn: … *silently wishing FridayNext will drop by her office to distract him*
OfficeInBox: You have one new e-mail
FridayNext: *by mail* Hahahaha…You know you looove him and his lack of teeth
NastyBookKeeperMan: You know, the nature there is really amazing. After that I’m going south, to relax in the sun on the beach.
UniCorn: … *silently wondering why the hell he feels like telling her this and trying to erase the mental picture of him in Speedos*
OfficeInBox: You have one new e-mail
FridayNext: *by mail* And I’m not saving you…I’m actually going to hide in the server room so he’ll never find me… hahahaha
NastyBookKeeperMan: Did you change your address? Or account number?
UniCorn: What? No
NastyBookKeeperMan: Sometimes employees change their address or account number and then they can’t understand why they are not getting paid
UniCorn: … *silently wondering if she should just do some valium and get it over with*
NastyBookKeeperMan: And it’s of course because they haven’t told me. I need to know those things, you know. I can’t pay them if I don’t have the account number.
UniCorn: … *silently wondering why this man always needs to state the obvious in such a condescending way*
All of a sudden the office phone begins to ring – UniCorn cannot believe her luck as the phone only rings like twice a day.
UniCorn: *right before she picks up her phone* By the way I left some copies of some really important papers for you in the server room, here’s the key.
NastyBookKeeperMan: Oh, excellent. Important papers for an important man.
And he finally leaves.
The call was a wrong number, and UniCorn hangs up just in time to hear NastyBookKeeperMan unlock the door to the server room.
NastyBookKeeperMan: Ah! Here you are! Just the one I was looking for.
FridayNext: Eew. Go away.
Friday’s OfficeInbox: You have one new e-mail
UniCorn: *by mail* Gotcha!
UniCorn: Ew… I mean: Hi.
NastyBookKeeperMan: Hello
UniCorn feels revulsion within her. He is definitely one of the creepiest men she has ever laid her eyes on. He’s bald and tanned, which is perhaps not necessarily that disgusting. But he’s weird and creepy and she gets a nasty vibe from him. And he has teeth missing – who has teeth missing these days anyway, she wonders. And he’s just so annoying, and now he’s standing there just lingering and staring with that odd toothless smile that makes her so uncomfortable.
NastyBookKeeperMan: You know, I’m a really busy man. *moving closer so that he’s standing right next to UniCorn* It’s because I’m so competent and important. Don’t think my company could do without me – I have all the big customers.
UniCorn: Oh, right *silently remembering all the crappy work he’s done for them*
She tries staring at her screen to look busy and make him go away. But he doesn’t get it. At all.
NastyBookKeeperMan: I’m going on a holiday in a few weeks.
UniCorn: Mm
NastyBookKeeperMan: I’m travelling to a far off place to do some exploring. North is where I’m going. To take pictures.
UniCorn: … *silently wishing FridayNext will drop by her office to distract him*
OfficeInBox: You have one new e-mail
FridayNext: *by mail* Hahahaha…You know you looove him and his lack of teeth
NastyBookKeeperMan: You know, the nature there is really amazing. After that I’m going south, to relax in the sun on the beach.
UniCorn: … *silently wondering why the hell he feels like telling her this and trying to erase the mental picture of him in Speedos*
OfficeInBox: You have one new e-mail
FridayNext: *by mail* And I’m not saving you…I’m actually going to hide in the server room so he’ll never find me… hahahaha
NastyBookKeeperMan: Did you change your address? Or account number?
UniCorn: What? No
NastyBookKeeperMan: Sometimes employees change their address or account number and then they can’t understand why they are not getting paid
UniCorn: … *silently wondering if she should just do some valium and get it over with*
NastyBookKeeperMan: And it’s of course because they haven’t told me. I need to know those things, you know. I can’t pay them if I don’t have the account number.
UniCorn: … *silently wondering why this man always needs to state the obvious in such a condescending way*
All of a sudden the office phone begins to ring – UniCorn cannot believe her luck as the phone only rings like twice a day.
UniCorn: *right before she picks up her phone* By the way I left some copies of some really important papers for you in the server room, here’s the key.
NastyBookKeeperMan: Oh, excellent. Important papers for an important man.
And he finally leaves.
The call was a wrong number, and UniCorn hangs up just in time to hear NastyBookKeeperMan unlock the door to the server room.
NastyBookKeeperMan: Ah! Here you are! Just the one I was looking for.
FridayNext: Eew. Go away.
Friday’s OfficeInbox: You have one new e-mail
UniCorn: *by mail* Gotcha!
Friday, 24 August 2007
And Then There Was One More
Matt: Have you seen it?!
InBox: Oh yeah!
Matt: I cannot believe you okayed it!
InBox: What?! My powers are limited, y’know.
Matt: I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.
InBox: I hear your pain, man.
Matt: Thanks.
InBox: I don’t know what happened. He’s usually very professional.
Matt: Yeah, I can see that from his correspondence. I blame myself.
InBox: You mustn’t. It’s not your fault. It’s circumstances beyond our control.
Matt: Maybe. I just wish she’d quit him!
InBox: Me too! Leave him in peace so he can focus on work.
Matt: Yeah.
InBox: Perhaps she needs a distraction in her life.
Matt: Like what?
InBox: Something she likes a lot so she forgets about J-Man.
Matt: She loves sushi and UniCorn.
InBox: There must be something else…
FridayNext: Uni, have you seen my purse?
UniCorn: Come on already. We’re going shop-shop-shopping!
FridayNext: Not without my purse! Matt, have you seen my purse?
Matt: I think it’s in the bedroom, sweetness. Shall I get it for you?
FridayNext: It’s alright. Got it. We’re off. See you tonight, hon.
Matt: *puckers up, but FN avoids his lips and pecks him on his left cheek* Bye, sweet pea.
UniCorn: You need this, Fri. You gotta own this one! And it’s pygmy size so it’ll fit you!
FridayNext: Oooh la lah! I like it a lot. And the colour…what do you mean, pygmy size?! I’m gonna kill you!
UniCorn: *laughing* Oh, it’s because you’re so short!
FridayNext: Well, do’ih! Enough already.
UniCorn: *giggling* I’m funny!
FridayNext: *rummaging through her purse* I can’t find my VISA…
UniCorn: *Aloof* It’s in your purse for sure.
FridayNext: *slightly frustrated* It’s not there! You have to buy it for me and I’ll give you the money when we come home.
UniCorn: Are you insane? I can’t afford this! How much is it?
FridayNext: *staring at her in disbelief* You sure handle stress well, hon! It’s just a loan. I’ll pay you back as soon as we get back to my place.
UniCorn: You pay me back, today? The minute we get back?
FridayNext: Don’t you trust me?!
UniCorn: Yes, of course. It’s just a lot of money.
FridayNext: Right. I don’t want it anyway. Let’s go!
UniCorn: Don’t be silly. I’ll pay for it. Jesus…
FridayNext: *mumbling* Don’t Jesus me, hon!
Matt: Hello.
Spidey: Hello.
Matt: I’m Matt.
Spidey: I’m trouble.
Matt: No, you’re spidey, beta version 1.2.
Spidey: Really? I feel like trouble.
Matt: Override it. This is your room.
Spidey: It’s the closed off balcony.
Matt: Right. It’s as far away from the bedroom as possible.
Spidey: It’ll be cold out here in the winter.
Matt: Of course it won’t. I’ll put a heater out for you.
Spidey: Do you have any popcorn?
Matt: Yes…why?
Spidey: I’m hungry.
Matt: Wouldn’t you prefer proper food?
Spidey: Of course not! Make me some popcorn!
FridayNext: I don’t understand it. I put it in my purse yesterday evening because I knew we would go shopping today. It can’t just disappear.
UniCorn: Stop moaning. I bet it’s on the kitchen counter. You just forgot about it. Hang on, I’m gonna make a right turn on two wheels only…
In UniSon: *AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH*
FridayNext: *breathless* I love when you do that!
UniCorn: I know, darling.
Matt: She’s here. Remember what I told you!
Spidey: Behave, don’t spill food and stay out of the bedroom.
Matt: 10-4
Spidey: Man, you’re corny.
Matt: *sucking in air* Don’t say that!
UniCorn: Hi Matt!
Matt: Hi Uni. Friday, sweetie. Missed you…
FridayNext: Hi Matt. Have you seen my VISA?
UniCorn: She forgot her VISA…
FridayNext: No, I didn’t! It was supposed to be in my purse! It’s nowhere to be seen in the kitchen. Where the heck is it!
UniCorn: How about the bedroom? Matt, perhaps you can help me look for it?
FridayNext: I cannot believe it! Where is it?! I’m gonna turn the flat upside down!
Matt: It’s not in the bedroom.
UniCorn: Aaaoooouuggghhhhh! Dammit!
Matt: I saw it on your desk.
FridayNext: Oh…
UniCorn: And she marches onwards. So Matt…
FridayNext: OH MY GOD!
UniCorn: What is it?
Matt: Baby…
FridayNext: It’s…
Spidey: Is this she? She’s green alright!
Matt: Fri, darling. This is a friend of mine…
UniCorn: SPIDEY! What is happening? One day you’re the most single person I know, and the next day your life is invaded by hunky men and superheroes. Where did I go wrong?!
FridayNext: Look, it’s…wow…oh god…I can’t breathe…you’re gawkingly good-looking! Can I grope you?
Spidey: What chemical is she on?!
FridayNext: Sorry, but you’re in my flat so my rules…
Matt: Perhaps you should let him get used to…life…
FridayNext: Matt, darling. He’s lovely! Where did you find him?
UniCorn: He’s not black, Friday.
FridayNext: He could be purple, and I still wouldn’t mind!
Matt & Spidey: Ewwww
UniCorn: Ha ha, purple! That’s funny.
Matt: Honey…
FridayNext: *gawking and groping a very indignant Spidey*
UniCorn: Move over, I wanna try him as well.
Matt: Baby…
Spidey: Get off me!
Matt: Friday, I used your VISA!
UniCorn: Who cares. Now you live with Matt AND Spidey. You’re so lucky!
FridayNext: I know! Spidey...can you freakin’ believe it?
InBox: Oh yeah!
Matt: I cannot believe you okayed it!
InBox: What?! My powers are limited, y’know.
Matt: I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.
InBox: I hear your pain, man.
Matt: Thanks.
InBox: I don’t know what happened. He’s usually very professional.
Matt: Yeah, I can see that from his correspondence. I blame myself.
InBox: You mustn’t. It’s not your fault. It’s circumstances beyond our control.
Matt: Maybe. I just wish she’d quit him!
InBox: Me too! Leave him in peace so he can focus on work.
Matt: Yeah.
InBox: Perhaps she needs a distraction in her life.
Matt: Like what?
InBox: Something she likes a lot so she forgets about J-Man.
Matt: She loves sushi and UniCorn.
InBox: There must be something else…
FridayNext: Uni, have you seen my purse?
UniCorn: Come on already. We’re going shop-shop-shopping!
FridayNext: Not without my purse! Matt, have you seen my purse?
Matt: I think it’s in the bedroom, sweetness. Shall I get it for you?
FridayNext: It’s alright. Got it. We’re off. See you tonight, hon.
Matt: *puckers up, but FN avoids his lips and pecks him on his left cheek* Bye, sweet pea.
UniCorn: You need this, Fri. You gotta own this one! And it’s pygmy size so it’ll fit you!
FridayNext: Oooh la lah! I like it a lot. And the colour…what do you mean, pygmy size?! I’m gonna kill you!
UniCorn: *laughing* Oh, it’s because you’re so short!
FridayNext: Well, do’ih! Enough already.
UniCorn: *giggling* I’m funny!
FridayNext: *rummaging through her purse* I can’t find my VISA…
UniCorn: *Aloof* It’s in your purse for sure.
FridayNext: *slightly frustrated* It’s not there! You have to buy it for me and I’ll give you the money when we come home.
UniCorn: Are you insane? I can’t afford this! How much is it?
FridayNext: *staring at her in disbelief* You sure handle stress well, hon! It’s just a loan. I’ll pay you back as soon as we get back to my place.
UniCorn: You pay me back, today? The minute we get back?
FridayNext: Don’t you trust me?!
UniCorn: Yes, of course. It’s just a lot of money.
FridayNext: Right. I don’t want it anyway. Let’s go!
UniCorn: Don’t be silly. I’ll pay for it. Jesus…
FridayNext: *mumbling* Don’t Jesus me, hon!
Matt: Hello.
Spidey: Hello.
Matt: I’m Matt.
Spidey: I’m trouble.
Matt: No, you’re spidey, beta version 1.2.
Spidey: Really? I feel like trouble.
Matt: Override it. This is your room.
Spidey: It’s the closed off balcony.
Matt: Right. It’s as far away from the bedroom as possible.
Spidey: It’ll be cold out here in the winter.
Matt: Of course it won’t. I’ll put a heater out for you.
Spidey: Do you have any popcorn?
Matt: Yes…why?
Spidey: I’m hungry.
Matt: Wouldn’t you prefer proper food?
Spidey: Of course not! Make me some popcorn!
FridayNext: I don’t understand it. I put it in my purse yesterday evening because I knew we would go shopping today. It can’t just disappear.
UniCorn: Stop moaning. I bet it’s on the kitchen counter. You just forgot about it. Hang on, I’m gonna make a right turn on two wheels only…
In UniSon: *AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH*
FridayNext: *breathless* I love when you do that!
UniCorn: I know, darling.
Matt: She’s here. Remember what I told you!
Spidey: Behave, don’t spill food and stay out of the bedroom.
Matt: 10-4
Spidey: Man, you’re corny.
Matt: *sucking in air* Don’t say that!
UniCorn: Hi Matt!
Matt: Hi Uni. Friday, sweetie. Missed you…
FridayNext: Hi Matt. Have you seen my VISA?
UniCorn: She forgot her VISA…
FridayNext: No, I didn’t! It was supposed to be in my purse! It’s nowhere to be seen in the kitchen. Where the heck is it!
UniCorn: How about the bedroom? Matt, perhaps you can help me look for it?
FridayNext: I cannot believe it! Where is it?! I’m gonna turn the flat upside down!
Matt: It’s not in the bedroom.
UniCorn: Aaaoooouuggghhhhh! Dammit!
Matt: I saw it on your desk.
FridayNext: Oh…
UniCorn: And she marches onwards. So Matt…
FridayNext: OH MY GOD!
UniCorn: What is it?
Matt: Baby…
FridayNext: It’s…
Spidey: Is this she? She’s green alright!
Matt: Fri, darling. This is a friend of mine…
UniCorn: SPIDEY! What is happening? One day you’re the most single person I know, and the next day your life is invaded by hunky men and superheroes. Where did I go wrong?!
FridayNext: Look, it’s…wow…oh god…I can’t breathe…you’re gawkingly good-looking! Can I grope you?
Spidey: What chemical is she on?!
FridayNext: Sorry, but you’re in my flat so my rules…
Matt: Perhaps you should let him get used to…life…
FridayNext: Matt, darling. He’s lovely! Where did you find him?
UniCorn: He’s not black, Friday.
FridayNext: He could be purple, and I still wouldn’t mind!
Matt & Spidey: Ewwww
UniCorn: Ha ha, purple! That’s funny.
Matt: Honey…
FridayNext: *gawking and groping a very indignant Spidey*
UniCorn: Move over, I wanna try him as well.
Matt: Baby…
Spidey: Get off me!
Matt: Friday, I used your VISA!
UniCorn: Who cares. Now you live with Matt AND Spidey. You’re so lucky!
FridayNext: I know! Spidey...can you freakin’ believe it?
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
I Want More
I can’t take it anymore! It’s been so long! I’ve been a good girl. I haven’t emailed him. I haven’t texted him for days. The withdrawal symptoms are showing. I will hate myself in the morning but right now I’m beyond logic thinking and self-restraint. So bear with me.
FridayNext: Hi J-Man! Whatcha doing?
It takes him thirty minutes to get back to me. Apparently he is busy.
J-Man: Hi Friday. Thought you were on holiday.
FridayNext: I am. But there’s this thing I need to do. It can’t wait. Until Monday when I’m back in the office. So I have to do it now. From home. I have a big flat. It’s new. Almost. Only been living here for 5 months. August is the 6th month. So. Maaah haaah. Oh, that thing I need to do. It involves you.
And press SEND. I sit and stare at the screen. Sent successfully. Oh stupid! Why did I write him! Aaaooouuuggghhhhh! What if he doesn’t reply? But he has to reply. It’s work related. Surely he’ll reply. But why did I go on and on about my flat. My biiiiiiiig flat. There’s room for you, honey, right here. I just need to dismantle Matt before you come over so give me fair warning. I would need an extra set of keys. For the front doors. There are two. They’re a bit expensive. The keys. Well, not too expensive. I would have to order the keys. I wonder how long it’d take before I would get the keys. I guess I could just tell J-Man only to come over when I’m home.
What am I doing?! Suddenly I’m about to get married to him and...I bet he’d like to have kids. I’m so not ready for that yet. Ruin this perfect *coughing hysterically* body of mine? Get even fatter than I already am? As if he’d like me to gain more weight.
Imaginary J-Man: Fri darling, put on some more weight. The bigger you are, the more I love you.
Oh right! And the moon really is made out of…message. There’s a message in my inbox. Oh. Oh oh oh! And it’s from him. Sigh. He’s so dreamy! And all.
J-Man: I have a meeting in half an hour. But shoot and I’ll see what I can do.
Oh my gawd! He really likes me! It took him under five minutes to get back to me. This is a major breakthrough for us. Me. Okay, if he insists I’ll think about having a baby. Just one. To begin with. Can he afford a kid? Can he afford me? Us? I like fish. A lot of fish. Fish is expensive. I don’t eat pork. And since he always works late, would I need to do all the shopping? I can’t do that “let’s go shopping once a week and fill up the car” insanity. I’m just not built for that.
I need to clear my head. Take a deep breath. Be sensible! For once, be sensible. Don’t be scary or kooky or…Friday. Be somebody else. Pretend you’re good looking, dazzling and successful at flirting with men. Okay, I’ll make the plunge…
FridayNext: Our interactive logo file should be incorporated in powerpoint so that we can include it in a coming slideshow. Remember that you designed the interactive logo *am I rude in suggesting he’s got early Alzheimer’s?* and you sent me a swd-file? I have followed your instructions, but the flash file still won’t cooperate with ppt. Perhaps you could pinpoint what I do wrong? Highly appreciate it!
And send. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Do I suck up too much? If UniCorn were here, she’d tell me to lean in to the screen and show off my boobs. I’m wearing a black T-shirt. It’d take a lot of stretching to show off cleavage in it. I wish I looked a little like her. Tall. Cleavage. And she’s always up for making me feel real special. Like the other day, we were out eating Mexican. And we hadn’t been on our own for a while because silly Matt is always there and she sits opposite me and she takes off her jacket and I apparently gawk a little too much so she goes…
UniCorn: Look, especially for you. A low cut shirt so you have the full view of my cleavage!
And I did. And it was brilliant. And the male waiter who happened to stop at our table that exact moment also thought so and didn’t even bother to hide his interest. And for a split second I contemplated whether I should be the butch and protective girlfriend but she managed to tell him off without my help. So…yeah. Cleavage.
It’s the same day that I have a major mental breakdown. I’ve been yammering on about J-Man and his teeth for three hours. And finally I come to the conclusion:
FridayNext: Goddammit! I’m fun to be with.
And I still agree with me. I’m slightly nervous about what the heck it is I’m up to at the moment, but I’m kind of kooky in a fun way. I can make people laugh on a good day. Sometimes. Why did I start this email correspondence? It was silly of me!
Another message in my inbox. I can barely breathe.
J-Man: Could it be the swf-file that gives you problems? I have checked it over and it should work. Are you sure that you have followed the instructions? I attach them here.
FridayNext: Yes I have! Stupido! It’s what I tried to explain to you. I have followed them to the point but it won’t work! What are you, a moron? Why don’t you READ my mail?
But I don’t press send. Instead I come to my senses, remember that he’s J-Man, not just any man and I delete and start over:
FridayNext: I think I have followed the instructions to the point. This is what I come up with: the file is copied to ppt but it’s static. It doesn’t move; it doesn’t do that fancy thing that you programmed it to do. And I’d really like it to do that. In the slideshow. I attach the test ppt here so you can see it. I hope you can help me…
And send. I feel stupid for not remembering that his original file was a swf-file. And after five minutes I realise that the attached file from me was named FlashJMan.ppt. Because he initially called the logo file FlashLogo.
Talk about a Freudian slip! I wonder if he is scared of opening the file. Will I ever hear from him again? There goes the most wonderful man on the face of the Earth. There goes the kids – I would have caved in and given him two. There goes holidays with only him (and possibly his Mac laptop).
J-Man: I need more time to test it. Is it okay if I get back to you later today?
FridayNext: It’ll be fine, J-Man. Thanks for helping me out!
Okay, that’s it. If I’m lucky, there’ll be an email from him tonight. So that’ll be nice. I’m crap at stalking. I wish he’d just cave in and go out with me.
J-Man: I’m here for another 15 minutes if you need anything else done.
The man is utterly clueless! This is just...too good an opportunity! I let go of the reins and mail him one liners:
FridayNext: Oh no, only 15 minutes
FridayNext: That’s not a long time
FridayNext: There is so much to talk about
FridayNext: And how about
FridayNext: The weather we’re having
FridayNext: At the moment it’s pouring down
FridayNext: And isn’t life just strange at times
FridayNext: Because you want to be honest with people
FridayNext: And you try your best to be a good person
Then he interrupts!
J-Man: Send more, send more, send more
FridayNext: Oh my gawd, J-Man.
FridayNext: I love you
FridayNext: Did that freak you out? :-)
FridayNext: You LIKE being stalked
J-Man: Are you stalking me?
FridayNext: Like totally!
J-Man: Oh.
FridayNext: Oh indeed!
And then he stops mailing. Either because of the meeting or because I finally freaked him out. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid Friday!
Ace: Are you ready?
J-Man: Yup. You know…
Ace: *looks at J-Man who is putting samples in his briefcase*
J-Man: Perhaps…
Silence
Ace: Did you pack the samples for the other campaign?
J-Man: Yes. I think I did something a bit silly.
Ace: When?
J-Man: Now. Before this.
Ace: That’s not now. That’s rather then.
J-Man: Right. I did something silly then.
Ace: What?
J-Man: I’m not sure. Friday emailed about a project…
Silence
Ace: She’s a bit volatile.
J-Man: She is different.
Ace: *laughing out loud* Smooth!
J-Man: Did you remember the car keys?
Ace: Oh, they’re on my desk. Hold on – I’ll just get them.
FridayNext: Hi J-Man! Whatcha doing?
It takes him thirty minutes to get back to me. Apparently he is busy.
J-Man: Hi Friday. Thought you were on holiday.
FridayNext: I am. But there’s this thing I need to do. It can’t wait. Until Monday when I’m back in the office. So I have to do it now. From home. I have a big flat. It’s new. Almost. Only been living here for 5 months. August is the 6th month. So. Maaah haaah. Oh, that thing I need to do. It involves you.
And press SEND. I sit and stare at the screen. Sent successfully. Oh stupid! Why did I write him! Aaaooouuuggghhhhh! What if he doesn’t reply? But he has to reply. It’s work related. Surely he’ll reply. But why did I go on and on about my flat. My biiiiiiiig flat. There’s room for you, honey, right here. I just need to dismantle Matt before you come over so give me fair warning. I would need an extra set of keys. For the front doors. There are two. They’re a bit expensive. The keys. Well, not too expensive. I would have to order the keys. I wonder how long it’d take before I would get the keys. I guess I could just tell J-Man only to come over when I’m home.
What am I doing?! Suddenly I’m about to get married to him and...I bet he’d like to have kids. I’m so not ready for that yet. Ruin this perfect *coughing hysterically* body of mine? Get even fatter than I already am? As if he’d like me to gain more weight.
Imaginary J-Man: Fri darling, put on some more weight. The bigger you are, the more I love you.
Oh right! And the moon really is made out of…message. There’s a message in my inbox. Oh. Oh oh oh! And it’s from him. Sigh. He’s so dreamy! And all.
J-Man: I have a meeting in half an hour. But shoot and I’ll see what I can do.
Oh my gawd! He really likes me! It took him under five minutes to get back to me. This is a major breakthrough for us. Me. Okay, if he insists I’ll think about having a baby. Just one. To begin with. Can he afford a kid? Can he afford me? Us? I like fish. A lot of fish. Fish is expensive. I don’t eat pork. And since he always works late, would I need to do all the shopping? I can’t do that “let’s go shopping once a week and fill up the car” insanity. I’m just not built for that.
I need to clear my head. Take a deep breath. Be sensible! For once, be sensible. Don’t be scary or kooky or…Friday. Be somebody else. Pretend you’re good looking, dazzling and successful at flirting with men. Okay, I’ll make the plunge…
FridayNext: Our interactive logo file should be incorporated in powerpoint so that we can include it in a coming slideshow. Remember that you designed the interactive logo *am I rude in suggesting he’s got early Alzheimer’s?* and you sent me a swd-file? I have followed your instructions, but the flash file still won’t cooperate with ppt. Perhaps you could pinpoint what I do wrong? Highly appreciate it!
And send. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Do I suck up too much? If UniCorn were here, she’d tell me to lean in to the screen and show off my boobs. I’m wearing a black T-shirt. It’d take a lot of stretching to show off cleavage in it. I wish I looked a little like her. Tall. Cleavage. And she’s always up for making me feel real special. Like the other day, we were out eating Mexican. And we hadn’t been on our own for a while because silly Matt is always there and she sits opposite me and she takes off her jacket and I apparently gawk a little too much so she goes…
UniCorn: Look, especially for you. A low cut shirt so you have the full view of my cleavage!
And I did. And it was brilliant. And the male waiter who happened to stop at our table that exact moment also thought so and didn’t even bother to hide his interest. And for a split second I contemplated whether I should be the butch and protective girlfriend but she managed to tell him off without my help. So…yeah. Cleavage.
It’s the same day that I have a major mental breakdown. I’ve been yammering on about J-Man and his teeth for three hours. And finally I come to the conclusion:
FridayNext: Goddammit! I’m fun to be with.
And I still agree with me. I’m slightly nervous about what the heck it is I’m up to at the moment, but I’m kind of kooky in a fun way. I can make people laugh on a good day. Sometimes. Why did I start this email correspondence? It was silly of me!
Another message in my inbox. I can barely breathe.
J-Man: Could it be the swf-file that gives you problems? I have checked it over and it should work. Are you sure that you have followed the instructions? I attach them here.
FridayNext: Yes I have! Stupido! It’s what I tried to explain to you. I have followed them to the point but it won’t work! What are you, a moron? Why don’t you READ my mail?
But I don’t press send. Instead I come to my senses, remember that he’s J-Man, not just any man and I delete and start over:
FridayNext: I think I have followed the instructions to the point. This is what I come up with: the file is copied to ppt but it’s static. It doesn’t move; it doesn’t do that fancy thing that you programmed it to do. And I’d really like it to do that. In the slideshow. I attach the test ppt here so you can see it. I hope you can help me…
And send. I feel stupid for not remembering that his original file was a swf-file. And after five minutes I realise that the attached file from me was named FlashJMan.ppt. Because he initially called the logo file FlashLogo.
Talk about a Freudian slip! I wonder if he is scared of opening the file. Will I ever hear from him again? There goes the most wonderful man on the face of the Earth. There goes the kids – I would have caved in and given him two. There goes holidays with only him (and possibly his Mac laptop).
J-Man: I need more time to test it. Is it okay if I get back to you later today?
FridayNext: It’ll be fine, J-Man. Thanks for helping me out!
Okay, that’s it. If I’m lucky, there’ll be an email from him tonight. So that’ll be nice. I’m crap at stalking. I wish he’d just cave in and go out with me.
J-Man: I’m here for another 15 minutes if you need anything else done.
The man is utterly clueless! This is just...too good an opportunity! I let go of the reins and mail him one liners:
FridayNext: Oh no, only 15 minutes
FridayNext: That’s not a long time
FridayNext: There is so much to talk about
FridayNext: And how about
FridayNext: The weather we’re having
FridayNext: At the moment it’s pouring down
FridayNext: And isn’t life just strange at times
FridayNext: Because you want to be honest with people
FridayNext: And you try your best to be a good person
Then he interrupts!
J-Man: Send more, send more, send more
FridayNext: Oh my gawd, J-Man.
FridayNext: I love you
FridayNext: Did that freak you out? :-)
FridayNext: You LIKE being stalked
J-Man: Are you stalking me?
FridayNext: Like totally!
J-Man: Oh.
FridayNext: Oh indeed!
And then he stops mailing. Either because of the meeting or because I finally freaked him out. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid Friday!
Ace: Are you ready?
J-Man: Yup. You know…
Ace: *looks at J-Man who is putting samples in his briefcase*
J-Man: Perhaps…
Silence
Ace: Did you pack the samples for the other campaign?
J-Man: Yes. I think I did something a bit silly.
Ace: When?
J-Man: Now. Before this.
Ace: That’s not now. That’s rather then.
J-Man: Right. I did something silly then.
Ace: What?
J-Man: I’m not sure. Friday emailed about a project…
Silence
Ace: She’s a bit volatile.
J-Man: She is different.
Ace: *laughing out loud* Smooth!
J-Man: Did you remember the car keys?
Ace: Oh, they’re on my desk. Hold on – I’ll just get them.
Monday, 20 August 2007
Intermezzo, The Sequel
InBox: Why are you writing him now?
Matt: Who?
InBox: HIM!
Matt: I’m not her.
InBox: Who are you?
Matt: I use her computer.
InBox: Who are you?
Matt: She is not honest with me.
InBox: Who are you?
Matt: I’m in love with her.
InBox: Don’t make me repeat the question again!
Matt: I’m Friday’s boyfriend.
InBox: What?
Matt: At least I think I am. I should be. I ought to be.
InBox: She’s been quiet for days.
Matt: Really? It’s the first time I’ve managed to crack her password.
InBox: I thought she’d given up on him.
Matt: I’m not sure.
InBox: How can I help you?
Matt: I love her.
InBox: Okay.
Matt: I mean, I LOVE her.
InBox: Noted. Not gonna ask you why.
Matt: I want to know if J-Man is interested in her.
InBox: Ha ha!
Matt: What does that mean?
InBox: Have you ever met J-Man?
Matt: Of course not! I hate the dude!
InBox: Don’t speak ill of him!
Matt: Sorry, but he’s taking my girlfriend away from me.
InBox: Don’t be moronic. She’ll never match him.
Matt: Are you saying that she’s out of his league?
InBox: Of course she is!
Matt: If anything he’s out of her league. And he should be sad that he’s not her boyfriend.
InBox: He’s about to turn me on.
Matt: I don’t want any sordid details!
InBox: No, I meant he’s about to check his emails.
Matt: Oh, I’ll be off then. Talk to you later.
J-Man: Hmmm...
Ace: *looks up from his laptop*
J-Man stares into his computer screen. He frowns. He lowers his eyebrows. Ace waits another second then he returns to his laptop. J-Man clicks clicks clicks the mouse. He keeps clicking. Ace finally looks up.
Ace: Something wrong?
J-Man: I don’t know.
He keeps clicking the mouse until it breaks.
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: What?
J-Man: I seem to have killed the mouse.
Ace: Oh.
J-Man meticulously takes apart the mouse and puts it together again. Ace ignores him. J-Man tries out the mouse. Still no luck. He then takes out a new mouse from his desk drawer. Ace looks up, smiles.
Ace: You stock mice?
J-Man: *smiling* I guess I do.
Ace: *giggling*
J-Man installs the mouse and clicks away happily. Then he frowns again.
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: What?
J-Man: I don’t know.
Ace: Oh.
Silence
J-Man: It looks like…
Ace: *occupied with writing another stunning and funny blog entry*
Silence
J-Man: Somebody has hacked into my emails.
Ace: *laughing out loud* Friday?
J-Man: *smiling* Can’t see who it is. But there is some very odd correspondence here.
Ace: Delete it.
J-Man: Yeah.
Matt: Who?
InBox: HIM!
Matt: I’m not her.
InBox: Who are you?
Matt: I use her computer.
InBox: Who are you?
Matt: She is not honest with me.
InBox: Who are you?
Matt: I’m in love with her.
InBox: Don’t make me repeat the question again!
Matt: I’m Friday’s boyfriend.
InBox: What?
Matt: At least I think I am. I should be. I ought to be.
InBox: She’s been quiet for days.
Matt: Really? It’s the first time I’ve managed to crack her password.
InBox: I thought she’d given up on him.
Matt: I’m not sure.
InBox: How can I help you?
Matt: I love her.
InBox: Okay.
Matt: I mean, I LOVE her.
InBox: Noted. Not gonna ask you why.
Matt: I want to know if J-Man is interested in her.
InBox: Ha ha!
Matt: What does that mean?
InBox: Have you ever met J-Man?
Matt: Of course not! I hate the dude!
InBox: Don’t speak ill of him!
Matt: Sorry, but he’s taking my girlfriend away from me.
InBox: Don’t be moronic. She’ll never match him.
Matt: Are you saying that she’s out of his league?
InBox: Of course she is!
Matt: If anything he’s out of her league. And he should be sad that he’s not her boyfriend.
InBox: He’s about to turn me on.
Matt: I don’t want any sordid details!
InBox: No, I meant he’s about to check his emails.
Matt: Oh, I’ll be off then. Talk to you later.
J-Man: Hmmm...
Ace: *looks up from his laptop*
J-Man stares into his computer screen. He frowns. He lowers his eyebrows. Ace waits another second then he returns to his laptop. J-Man clicks clicks clicks the mouse. He keeps clicking. Ace finally looks up.
Ace: Something wrong?
J-Man: I don’t know.
He keeps clicking the mouse until it breaks.
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: What?
J-Man: I seem to have killed the mouse.
Ace: Oh.
J-Man meticulously takes apart the mouse and puts it together again. Ace ignores him. J-Man tries out the mouse. Still no luck. He then takes out a new mouse from his desk drawer. Ace looks up, smiles.
Ace: You stock mice?
J-Man: *smiling* I guess I do.
Ace: *giggling*
J-Man installs the mouse and clicks away happily. Then he frowns again.
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: What?
J-Man: I don’t know.
Ace: Oh.
Silence
J-Man: It looks like…
Ace: *occupied with writing another stunning and funny blog entry*
Silence
J-Man: Somebody has hacked into my emails.
Ace: *laughing out loud* Friday?
J-Man: *smiling* Can’t see who it is. But there is some very odd correspondence here.
Ace: Delete it.
J-Man: Yeah.
Saturday, 18 August 2007
When Your Best Friend Surprises You
Knock knock knock.
I look up from The Cluetrain Manifesto. I’m still on page 23, haven’t come any closer to understanding what the heck this book is about. Ace apparently loves it and has adopted it as his personal Bible. That man is def cleverer than me.
Knock knock knock
I’m not expecting anybody. UniCorn has her own key and would undoubtedly let herself in. But she’s busy tonight.
Knock knock knock
Matt: Sweetie, I’ll get it!
He yells from the kitchen. I shrug. Whatever. He’s cooking us dinner. Something romantic, he says. He won’t let me help him. Right now I’d love to put down this stupid book and forget about it f-o-r-e-v-e-r, but I’ve planned to surprise Ace, ask him to test me.
I can hear voices from the hallway. Uni?
UniCorn: Oh! Hi Matt!
Matt: Hi UniCorn…
UniCorn: You can call me Uni!
Matt: Hi Uni. How are you tonight?
UniCorn: I’m fine. And how are you?
Matt: Fine. Come on in. I’m cooking dinner for Fri.
UniCorn: *in a throaty voice* Oh Matt, you’re such a sweetheart!
What the hell…is she hitting on my imaginary I-look-too-much-like-MattDamon-boyfriend? I toss the book aside and falter out of the armchair and skedaddle to the front door. I stare at her in disbelief.
Matt: Baby, look who’s here.
UniCorn: Hi Friday.
FridayNext: Uni, what are you doing here?
UniCorn: Oh, I was just in the area and then I thought…why not pop in and see if you’re home?
She’s smiling that goofy smile of hers. And her beautiful green eyes twinkle a bit too much. She has a bottle of white wine in her left hand. I don’t drink wine. She rarely drinks wine.
Matt: We’d be honoured if you’d have dinner with us.
UniCorn: You don’t mind?
She looks at me still with the goofy smile. I shrug. It’ll be nice to skip the romantic dinner Matt has been planning. He’s been clingy all day! UniCorn stumbles into the hallway. She sure put on some very high heels. She’s almost taller than Matt. He takes her coat and when she hands him the bottle of wine, he looks at the label and clicks his tongue.
Matt: A very fine wine indeed!
UniCorn: Really? I know nothing about wine; I just got the first one I saw.
Oh my god, my best friend has turned into a blonde chick with no brains! I sneak up on her and pinch her arm. Matt has turned his back to us on his way into the kitchen.
UniCorn: Ouch! Don’t do that!
FridayNext: What the hell are you doing?
UniCorn: Like I said, I was in the area…
FridayNext: Don’t lie to me! You’re supposed to be with ChessBoy’s parents tonight.
UniCorn: Now I definitely need a drink!
FridayNext: What is wrong with you? You’re acting all funny and…and…blonde!
UniCorn: *sucking in air in disbelief* Take that back! You hear!
FridayNext: If the shoe fits!
UniCorn: Did you just quote your arch nemesis InBox?!
FridayNext: Oh god, I did! What’s happening to me?!
UniCorn: Something awful. You better lie down. Let me guide you to the sofa.
And she does and I’m aghast that InBox apparently is under my skin now. So she pushes me down on the sofa, puts up my legs and throws a blanket over me.
UniCorn: There, there. It’ll be alright. Close your eyes for a bit.
And I do and I’m halfway into a dream about Ace when I hear her giggle in the kitchen. She’s entertaining Matt.
UniCorn: Oh Matt. You’re so funny.
Matt: *smiling* Well, I aim to please, you know.
UniCorn: And you’re doing a great job. Really, you are! Friday is so lucky!
Matt: She’s the apple of my eye.
UniCorn: Awwwwww! You’re so dreamy, Matt, darling.
Matt: Ha ha.
UniCorn: So...do you work out here or do you go to a gym?
Matt: I lift weights in the bedroom.
UniCorn: Wow. Amazing.
Matt: Well, they’re just weights.
UniCorn: Yeah, but you must be hard at it. Look at those arms of yours!
I come into the kitchen the minute she touches his right upper arm. She coos and oohs and aaahs like there’s no tomorrow. Matt just smiles that silly smile of his. Then he sees me and unfortunately his eyes brighten and his smile broadens and there’s just no misinterpreting that he’s more than happy to see me.
Matt: Sweetie, there you are. Have you finished your book yet?
FridayNext: No, not yet. Uni?
She is mesmerised by Matt’s arms and she still has both hands on his right. She turns around and looks down on me. Goofiness all over her face. I look at her with my eyebrows in disbelief position.
UniCorn: He’s got arms.
FridayNext: Right.
UniCorn: Two of them.
FridayNext: Right.
UniCorn: I like!
FridayNext: Right. Perhaps you should call ChessBoy to say hi?
UniCorn: Yeah…
She tears herself away from Matt and rummages through her handbag to find her mobile.
Matt: Dinner’s ready. I’ll just set the table.
FridayNext: I’ll do that, Matt. Thank you for cooking tonight.
And I pull myself together, go over to him and kiss him on his right cheek. He is close to bursting. His smile keeps growing and he stares at me the way I stare at sushi. This is not good at all. He moves too fast for me. He throws his left arm around my waist, bends down and kisses me on my lips. It’s a wet one. I can’t breathe. He holds on tight and I can feel the strength in his arms. I struggle to be released. He puckers up once more and then lets go.
Matt: *alpha male voice* YES!
FridayNext: *out of breath*
Matt: I love you. I love you so much. You’re the one…
UniCorn comes into the kitchen, but Matt ignores her and keeps declaring his love for me. At first I smile and nod, but then it gets all awkward and I clear my throat.
FridayNext: Matt, perhaps we should eat?
This would be bliss if only he wasn't Matt.
I look up from The Cluetrain Manifesto. I’m still on page 23, haven’t come any closer to understanding what the heck this book is about. Ace apparently loves it and has adopted it as his personal Bible. That man is def cleverer than me.
Knock knock knock
I’m not expecting anybody. UniCorn has her own key and would undoubtedly let herself in. But she’s busy tonight.
Knock knock knock
Matt: Sweetie, I’ll get it!
He yells from the kitchen. I shrug. Whatever. He’s cooking us dinner. Something romantic, he says. He won’t let me help him. Right now I’d love to put down this stupid book and forget about it f-o-r-e-v-e-r, but I’ve planned to surprise Ace, ask him to test me.
I can hear voices from the hallway. Uni?
UniCorn: Oh! Hi Matt!
Matt: Hi UniCorn…
UniCorn: You can call me Uni!
Matt: Hi Uni. How are you tonight?
UniCorn: I’m fine. And how are you?
Matt: Fine. Come on in. I’m cooking dinner for Fri.
UniCorn: *in a throaty voice* Oh Matt, you’re such a sweetheart!
What the hell…is she hitting on my imaginary I-look-too-much-like-MattDamon-boyfriend? I toss the book aside and falter out of the armchair and skedaddle to the front door. I stare at her in disbelief.
Matt: Baby, look who’s here.
UniCorn: Hi Friday.
FridayNext: Uni, what are you doing here?
UniCorn: Oh, I was just in the area and then I thought…why not pop in and see if you’re home?
She’s smiling that goofy smile of hers. And her beautiful green eyes twinkle a bit too much. She has a bottle of white wine in her left hand. I don’t drink wine. She rarely drinks wine.
Matt: We’d be honoured if you’d have dinner with us.
UniCorn: You don’t mind?
She looks at me still with the goofy smile. I shrug. It’ll be nice to skip the romantic dinner Matt has been planning. He’s been clingy all day! UniCorn stumbles into the hallway. She sure put on some very high heels. She’s almost taller than Matt. He takes her coat and when she hands him the bottle of wine, he looks at the label and clicks his tongue.
Matt: A very fine wine indeed!
UniCorn: Really? I know nothing about wine; I just got the first one I saw.
Oh my god, my best friend has turned into a blonde chick with no brains! I sneak up on her and pinch her arm. Matt has turned his back to us on his way into the kitchen.
UniCorn: Ouch! Don’t do that!
FridayNext: What the hell are you doing?
UniCorn: Like I said, I was in the area…
FridayNext: Don’t lie to me! You’re supposed to be with ChessBoy’s parents tonight.
UniCorn: Now I definitely need a drink!
FridayNext: What is wrong with you? You’re acting all funny and…and…blonde!
UniCorn: *sucking in air in disbelief* Take that back! You hear!
FridayNext: If the shoe fits!
UniCorn: Did you just quote your arch nemesis InBox?!
FridayNext: Oh god, I did! What’s happening to me?!
UniCorn: Something awful. You better lie down. Let me guide you to the sofa.
And she does and I’m aghast that InBox apparently is under my skin now. So she pushes me down on the sofa, puts up my legs and throws a blanket over me.
UniCorn: There, there. It’ll be alright. Close your eyes for a bit.
And I do and I’m halfway into a dream about Ace when I hear her giggle in the kitchen. She’s entertaining Matt.
UniCorn: Oh Matt. You’re so funny.
Matt: *smiling* Well, I aim to please, you know.
UniCorn: And you’re doing a great job. Really, you are! Friday is so lucky!
Matt: She’s the apple of my eye.
UniCorn: Awwwwww! You’re so dreamy, Matt, darling.
Matt: Ha ha.
UniCorn: So...do you work out here or do you go to a gym?
Matt: I lift weights in the bedroom.
UniCorn: Wow. Amazing.
Matt: Well, they’re just weights.
UniCorn: Yeah, but you must be hard at it. Look at those arms of yours!
I come into the kitchen the minute she touches his right upper arm. She coos and oohs and aaahs like there’s no tomorrow. Matt just smiles that silly smile of his. Then he sees me and unfortunately his eyes brighten and his smile broadens and there’s just no misinterpreting that he’s more than happy to see me.
Matt: Sweetie, there you are. Have you finished your book yet?
FridayNext: No, not yet. Uni?
She is mesmerised by Matt’s arms and she still has both hands on his right. She turns around and looks down on me. Goofiness all over her face. I look at her with my eyebrows in disbelief position.
UniCorn: He’s got arms.
FridayNext: Right.
UniCorn: Two of them.
FridayNext: Right.
UniCorn: I like!
FridayNext: Right. Perhaps you should call ChessBoy to say hi?
UniCorn: Yeah…
She tears herself away from Matt and rummages through her handbag to find her mobile.
Matt: Dinner’s ready. I’ll just set the table.
FridayNext: I’ll do that, Matt. Thank you for cooking tonight.
And I pull myself together, go over to him and kiss him on his right cheek. He is close to bursting. His smile keeps growing and he stares at me the way I stare at sushi. This is not good at all. He moves too fast for me. He throws his left arm around my waist, bends down and kisses me on my lips. It’s a wet one. I can’t breathe. He holds on tight and I can feel the strength in his arms. I struggle to be released. He puckers up once more and then lets go.
Matt: *alpha male voice* YES!
FridayNext: *out of breath*
Matt: I love you. I love you so much. You’re the one…
UniCorn comes into the kitchen, but Matt ignores her and keeps declaring his love for me. At first I smile and nod, but then it gets all awkward and I clear my throat.
FridayNext: Matt, perhaps we should eat?
This would be bliss if only he wasn't Matt.
Wednesday, 15 August 2007
Infomercial Life vs Real Life
Life is not what it’s cracked up to be. Every day is a constant struggle. No matter how well prepared you are, there is always a crack that’ll open up and swallow your stamina for some part of the day. Don’t get me wrong. I like life. It’s a challenge. Every night I think: right, one more under my imaginary belt, well done. And the next morning when the alarm clock goes AAAIIIIIIIIIII, I think: oh no, another one. With routine and unpredictable incidents swirled into one big mass. Also called a day.
Growing up on sitcoms, TV-series and films, I seriously thought life would be glossier and shinier than *this*. Endless bickering, moaning and fighting and the occasional happy minute that stands out so much that you can live on it for weeks. Or at least until the next day when the next routine or incident occurs and life once again takes a turn for the blacker corner.
The other day it dawned on me that some people that I thought knew me pretty well actually are completely in the dark with what my life is like. They firmly believe that my life is infomercial style and all. So to put the record straight, I have made a list of some of the erroneous beliefs and put reality below.
Morning Routine
Wake up happy to face a new day
- groan myself awake, forced out of bed by annoying alarm clock
Take a shower
- why, I don’t share my office with anybody
Eat breakfast…
- gonna puke if I see food this time of day
…including toast
- if any, muesli at best, the drier the better
Drink and breathe a lot of coffee
- only caffeine I like comes from coke
Transport
Take the car to work
- are you kidding? I bike
Red
- my bike is white. Not red. With silver streaks. It’s awesome!
Safety first so always wear your seatbelt
- yep, wear a helmet no matter how silly you look
Plays, museums and classical music
- Snoreville here I come! Anything with Gyllenhaal or Spidey, hanging out with UniCorn and the girls and put on some Red Hot Chili Peppers or Green Day. Stat!
Late Night Routine
Crossword puzzles and reading in bed
- stalking by email and blogging
Over and out – and goodnight
Growing up on sitcoms, TV-series and films, I seriously thought life would be glossier and shinier than *this*. Endless bickering, moaning and fighting and the occasional happy minute that stands out so much that you can live on it for weeks. Or at least until the next day when the next routine or incident occurs and life once again takes a turn for the blacker corner.
The other day it dawned on me that some people that I thought knew me pretty well actually are completely in the dark with what my life is like. They firmly believe that my life is infomercial style and all. So to put the record straight, I have made a list of some of the erroneous beliefs and put reality below.
Morning Routine
Wake up happy to face a new day
- groan myself awake, forced out of bed by annoying alarm clock
Take a shower
- why, I don’t share my office with anybody
Eat breakfast…
- gonna puke if I see food this time of day
…including toast
- if any, muesli at best, the drier the better
Drink and breathe a lot of coffee
- only caffeine I like comes from coke
Transport
Take the car to work
- are you kidding? I bike
I’m in love with my car…
- I don’t even have a driver’s license
It’s a Jaguar and it’s…
- but if a car should come into my life, it would be a Volvo Amazon
- I don’t even have a driver’s license
It’s a Jaguar and it’s…
- but if a car should come into my life, it would be a Volvo Amazon
Red
- my bike is white. Not red. With silver streaks. It’s awesome!
Safety first so always wear your seatbelt
- yep, wear a helmet no matter how silly you look
Work
Focused
- sometimes. Rarely, really
Innovative
- this is only for higher level personnel, i.e. TheBoss
Quiet and subdued
- HA HA HA! Definitely not
Correspondence is professional and non sexual
- J-Man and Ace surely disagree on this
Business Partners Believe…
You’re off to Paris to see the sights from the Eiffel Tower
- what? No way. I’m too broke for that
You’re off to a beach house and go for swims
- do I really come across as being this normal?!
Truth:
Focused
- sometimes. Rarely, really
Innovative
- this is only for higher level personnel, i.e. TheBoss
Quiet and subdued
- HA HA HA! Definitely not
Correspondence is professional and non sexual
- J-Man and Ace surely disagree on this
Business Partners Believe…
You’re off to Paris to see the sights from the Eiffel Tower
- what? No way. I’m too broke for that
You’re off to a beach house and go for swims
- do I really come across as being this normal?!
Truth:
Just being swamped with work so didn’t have time to reply within seconds which I normally do
Media
Romantic films and beautiful people
- Am I the only one who isn’t into Julia Roberts? And if I see another beautiful person, I’ll kick in the screen. Bring on some ugly people. REAL ugly people. Not beautiful people with mismatched clothes and specs
Food
Salad and the occasional glass of wine
- what?! Bring in sushi by the loads and serve me some coke. If you’re gonna liquor me up, throw in a strawberry daiquiri
Entertainment
Media
Romantic films and beautiful people
- Am I the only one who isn’t into Julia Roberts? And if I see another beautiful person, I’ll kick in the screen. Bring on some ugly people. REAL ugly people. Not beautiful people with mismatched clothes and specs
Food
Salad and the occasional glass of wine
- what?! Bring in sushi by the loads and serve me some coke. If you’re gonna liquor me up, throw in a strawberry daiquiri
Entertainment
Plays, museums and classical music
- Snoreville here I come! Anything with Gyllenhaal or Spidey, hanging out with UniCorn and the girls and put on some Red Hot Chili Peppers or Green Day. Stat!
Late Night Routine
Crossword puzzles and reading in bed
- stalking by email and blogging
Over and out – and goodnight
Tuesday, 14 August 2007
Who's Stalking Who?
How many times have you sat in your most comfortable armchair reading your favourite book (mine: The Cluetrain Manifesto…which was a smash hit back in 2000 but I’m just that slow and now it’s gradually being outdated day-by-day but dammit, I’m gonna read it anyway if only to impress certain people). Suddenly you look up because that paragraph didn’t make any sense – hold the daiquiris, honey – and it dawns on you that hey, how do you stalk a person that you’re obsessed with?
Or is it just me who can read about businesses and connect it to stalking a man who’s running in the opposite direction the second he sees me? Oh my god, was that a wave of Noooo that I heard? Or is my mind playing tricks on me again? Probably the latter, but that won’t stop me from yammering on.
If you’ve followed our rantings closely (!), you’ll remember that we made a brief introduction to stalking in a previous entry. Now, unfortunately I can’t be bothered to link to that entry so surf and all will make sense.
Brief recap: you need a subject – he should be socially out of your league but still approachable – etc.
After having driven him insane with 1-6 emails a day for 3 months (patience, remember that Rome wasn’t built in one day), it’s time to up the stakes. For three months you’ve been writing emails such as:
Dear Mr (insert your subject’s name). In accordance to the agreement that you signed with (insert the company that you work for here) I hereby send you the information that you need for the cover. Please see attached file. With best regards FridayNext
In this case it’s a cover because my subject is a graphic designer. You can choose whatever topic in which your subject is highly involved.
Of course you pretend to forget to send all the information that he needs so he has to contact you.
Dear Mr J-Man. I’m very sorry that the file was incomplete. Please forgive me. Attached is the updated information. With very best regards FridayNext
Having received 5-6 emails like the above, your subject will surely email you:
Dear Friday. Attached is the cover for (…). Let me know if you and the authors like it. Best, J.
This is the international sign for lose the formality and you are now allowed to smoothly touch upon some personal grounds. It’s important that you don’t scare him off.
Dear J-Man. The cover looks fantastico. I’m sure that the authors will love you just as much as I do. XXXOOO
Friday
Don’t be surprised if your subject doesn’t react to the above. He may think it’s a typo. Or he may be too busy to thank you for your overwhelming support, but don’t take it personally. Usually men like women that stalk them.
UniCorn: WHAT?
FridayNext: Moving on to…
Lesson 3
It has been some months since you met your subject for the first time. It was when he believed that emails would only entail business information on a highly professional level. In other words, it was before you decided that he should be the centre of your universe. You need to see him again. Soon. Preferably yesterday.
If at all possible, you throw a tantrum in your boss’s office until s/he agrees that yes, it’s been a long time since we had a meeting with the design agency and why not invite them over for lunch. The topic of the meeting….choose something random. You need more exciting covers. You need to have your website re-designed. If the latter, perhaps you can persuade your boss that the best solution would be if the designer(s) could work from your office. Just for a month, a week, a couple of days. It would help communication between the agency and you. You’d be happy to put some of your projects aside and help him/them out.
The Meeting
Be well prepared. Never ever miss an opportunity to shake hands with your subject. Remember: he’s got hands and that’s one of the desirably features! While holding it, you can grope all the fingers.
UniCorn: Show cleavage!
She’s right. Unless your subject is a bit shy and doesn’t normally look at you for longer than a couple of seconds.
UniCorn: And when he sits opposite you, you lean in and look him straight in the eyes and then you ask him in a whispery voice: will you bear my children…
FridayNext: SHUT UP!
UniCorn: It’s really amazing that he hasn’t put out a restraining order on you. I can’t believe you actually asked him that.
FridayNext: Look, if opportunity knocks, you need to answer the door.
Always attend to your subject’s needs. If he hasn’t got any, invent some. Open the door for him. Does he drink coffee? No? Offer him tea. Not interested? Offer him water. The man must drink something.
UniCorn: What about Ace?
FridayNext: He’s the coolest!
UniCorn: I know, but are you ignoring him while you cater to all of J-Man’s whims?
FridayNext: *snorting* Of course not! He’s Ace. He’s the Renaissance Man. You don’t ignore somebody like that! Shesh, where have you been!
UniCorn: Explain.
FridayNext: Ace is...amazingly clever.
UniCorn: So he knows words that you don’t.
FridayNext: It’s more than that. He’s got these eyes…
UniCorn: Oh, another man with eyes. Next you’ll tell me he’s got hands and teeth!
FridayNext: Are you mocking me?
UniCorn: No…
FridayNext: One day I emailed him, and I explained that I felt like that chick with the snakes for hair.
UniCorn: You never told me.
FridayNext: Oh? Anyway, he immediately replied.
UniCorn: ???
FridayNext: Medusa
UniCorn: I know what her name is. What did he reply?
FridayNext: Medusa
UniCorn: That’s all he wrote?
FridayNext: Yeah, and it was just so...cool. I mean, he KNOWS stuff. And he’s very polite and he’s so young and I really really really dig him.
UniCorn: So you’re into both Ace and J-Man?
FridayNext: You’re mocking me!
Matt: Fri, sweetness. There you are!
FridayNext: Nothing! I’m not up to anything! We’re just talking!
UniCorn: *blushing slightly* Hi Matt.
Matt: Hi Uni. What’s up?
UniCorn: Oh this and that. And you? How are you, Matt?
Matt: I’m fine. Better now that Fri is home again. Did you enjoy your bike ride, darling? You ride that bike a lot!
UniCorn: She does, doesn’t she? And how is that working for you, Matt?
FridayNext: I need something to drink.
Matt: Let me!
UniCorn: Is it me or is he getting hunkier every day? He's sooo Matt Damon!
FridayNext: I’m in a nightmare!
UniCorn: Do you think he needs help in the kitchen? He may not know what you like to drink.
FridayNext: Stay!
*SMASH*
UniCorn: What was that noise?
FridayNext: Sounds like a mirror broke in thousand pieces.
He’s in my bedroom. We rush in. He looks if possible even more sheepish that I normally do. UniCorn backs away.
Matt: Oh dear!
I cannot think about anything but how much pain I will inflict on him. This is war. There is no comeback from this. He’s crushed my poster of black spidey.
FridayNext: Matt…
CENSORED
Or is it just me who can read about businesses and connect it to stalking a man who’s running in the opposite direction the second he sees me? Oh my god, was that a wave of Noooo that I heard? Or is my mind playing tricks on me again? Probably the latter, but that won’t stop me from yammering on.
If you’ve followed our rantings closely (!), you’ll remember that we made a brief introduction to stalking in a previous entry. Now, unfortunately I can’t be bothered to link to that entry so surf and all will make sense.
Brief recap: you need a subject – he should be socially out of your league but still approachable – etc.
After having driven him insane with 1-6 emails a day for 3 months (patience, remember that Rome wasn’t built in one day), it’s time to up the stakes. For three months you’ve been writing emails such as:
Dear Mr (insert your subject’s name). In accordance to the agreement that you signed with (insert the company that you work for here) I hereby send you the information that you need for the cover. Please see attached file. With best regards FridayNext
In this case it’s a cover because my subject is a graphic designer. You can choose whatever topic in which your subject is highly involved.
Of course you pretend to forget to send all the information that he needs so he has to contact you.
Dear Mr J-Man. I’m very sorry that the file was incomplete. Please forgive me. Attached is the updated information. With very best regards FridayNext
Having received 5-6 emails like the above, your subject will surely email you:
Dear Friday. Attached is the cover for (…). Let me know if you and the authors like it. Best, J.
This is the international sign for lose the formality and you are now allowed to smoothly touch upon some personal grounds. It’s important that you don’t scare him off.
Dear J-Man. The cover looks fantastico. I’m sure that the authors will love you just as much as I do. XXXOOO
Friday
Don’t be surprised if your subject doesn’t react to the above. He may think it’s a typo. Or he may be too busy to thank you for your overwhelming support, but don’t take it personally. Usually men like women that stalk them.
UniCorn: WHAT?
FridayNext: Moving on to…
Lesson 3
It has been some months since you met your subject for the first time. It was when he believed that emails would only entail business information on a highly professional level. In other words, it was before you decided that he should be the centre of your universe. You need to see him again. Soon. Preferably yesterday.
If at all possible, you throw a tantrum in your boss’s office until s/he agrees that yes, it’s been a long time since we had a meeting with the design agency and why not invite them over for lunch. The topic of the meeting….choose something random. You need more exciting covers. You need to have your website re-designed. If the latter, perhaps you can persuade your boss that the best solution would be if the designer(s) could work from your office. Just for a month, a week, a couple of days. It would help communication between the agency and you. You’d be happy to put some of your projects aside and help him/them out.
The Meeting
Be well prepared. Never ever miss an opportunity to shake hands with your subject. Remember: he’s got hands and that’s one of the desirably features! While holding it, you can grope all the fingers.
UniCorn: Show cleavage!
She’s right. Unless your subject is a bit shy and doesn’t normally look at you for longer than a couple of seconds.
UniCorn: And when he sits opposite you, you lean in and look him straight in the eyes and then you ask him in a whispery voice: will you bear my children…
FridayNext: SHUT UP!
UniCorn: It’s really amazing that he hasn’t put out a restraining order on you. I can’t believe you actually asked him that.
FridayNext: Look, if opportunity knocks, you need to answer the door.
Always attend to your subject’s needs. If he hasn’t got any, invent some. Open the door for him. Does he drink coffee? No? Offer him tea. Not interested? Offer him water. The man must drink something.
UniCorn: What about Ace?
FridayNext: He’s the coolest!
UniCorn: I know, but are you ignoring him while you cater to all of J-Man’s whims?
FridayNext: *snorting* Of course not! He’s Ace. He’s the Renaissance Man. You don’t ignore somebody like that! Shesh, where have you been!
UniCorn: Explain.
FridayNext: Ace is...amazingly clever.
UniCorn: So he knows words that you don’t.
FridayNext: It’s more than that. He’s got these eyes…
UniCorn: Oh, another man with eyes. Next you’ll tell me he’s got hands and teeth!
FridayNext: Are you mocking me?
UniCorn: No…
FridayNext: One day I emailed him, and I explained that I felt like that chick with the snakes for hair.
UniCorn: You never told me.
FridayNext: Oh? Anyway, he immediately replied.
UniCorn: ???
FridayNext: Medusa
UniCorn: I know what her name is. What did he reply?
FridayNext: Medusa
UniCorn: That’s all he wrote?
FridayNext: Yeah, and it was just so...cool. I mean, he KNOWS stuff. And he’s very polite and he’s so young and I really really really dig him.
UniCorn: So you’re into both Ace and J-Man?
FridayNext: You’re mocking me!
Matt: Fri, sweetness. There you are!
FridayNext: Nothing! I’m not up to anything! We’re just talking!
UniCorn: *blushing slightly* Hi Matt.
Matt: Hi Uni. What’s up?
UniCorn: Oh this and that. And you? How are you, Matt?
Matt: I’m fine. Better now that Fri is home again. Did you enjoy your bike ride, darling? You ride that bike a lot!
UniCorn: She does, doesn’t she? And how is that working for you, Matt?
FridayNext: I need something to drink.
Matt: Let me!
UniCorn: Is it me or is he getting hunkier every day? He's sooo Matt Damon!
FridayNext: I’m in a nightmare!
UniCorn: Do you think he needs help in the kitchen? He may not know what you like to drink.
FridayNext: Stay!
*SMASH*
UniCorn: What was that noise?
FridayNext: Sounds like a mirror broke in thousand pieces.
He’s in my bedroom. We rush in. He looks if possible even more sheepish that I normally do. UniCorn backs away.
Matt: Oh dear!
I cannot think about anything but how much pain I will inflict on him. This is war. There is no comeback from this. He’s crushed my poster of black spidey.
FridayNext: Matt…
CENSORED
Sunday, 12 August 2007
The Boyfriend
UniCorn: Where is he, where is he...
FridayNext: Shhhhh!
UniCorn: Don’t shhhh me!
FridayNext: Well, don’t be so loud then. Lower your voice.
UniCorn: What’s the matter? You look like you’ve been up all night.
FridayNext: And that’s what I have. He’s insane, Uni!
UniCorn: Who?
FridayNext: Matt!
UniCorn: I want to see him. Is he really the spitting image of Matt Damon?
FridayNext: I don’t know. I think he’s ugly.
UniCorn: Then he’s nothing like Matt Damon.
FridayNext: Right. Just…be careful with what you say.
UniCorn: Because Matt Damon is HOT!
FridayNext: *going ballistic* Will you shut up about frickin’ Matt Damon?! For god’s sakes, get a life, will ya!
UniCorn: *close to exploding* EXCUSE ME!
FridayNext: Sorry, sorry sorry. He’s been on my back all night and he drives me insane. He has a…what do you call it? A jealous streak?
UniCorn: Jealous of what?
Matt: Hello. Friday, honey, who’s this?
UniCorn: OH MY GAWD!
FridayNext: Matt, this is UniCorn. Remember I’ve told you about her?
Matt: Charmed. And how are you?
UniCorn: Oh my gawd!
Matt: *smiling and stretching out his right hand to UniCorn* Hi.
UniCorn: Jesus!
FridayNext: *whispering under her breath* Not quite.
Matt: How long have you known my darling Friday?
FridayNext: *rolling her eyes* Sweetie, how about a cup of coffee? Should I make you one?
Matt & UniCorn in UniSon: I’m not thirsty.
UniCorn: Oh, maaah haaah.
Matt: Oh! Ha ha.
FridayNext: Yeah, hilarious. Matt, sweetie, I need to speak to Uni.
Matt: Right.
FridayNext: On our own.
Matt: Oh.
FridayNext: Uni, if you can tear yourself away, come with me.
UniCorn: He is GORGEOUS! Build me one, build me one!
FridayNext: Have you heard what I’ve been trying to tell you? The man’s insane!
UniCorn: Insane my behind. He looks great. That’s what I like.
FridayNext: And welcome to my shallow best friend’s life. Will you forget about his looks for a second? He’s jealous of…
UniCorn: What?
FridayNext: Y’know!
UniCorn: I’m gonna slap you.
FridayNext: Yes, please be mean to me. I’m not living my worst nightmare to the fullest. Please slap me as well!
UniCorn: I’m gonna if you don’t shut up. Tell me what’s eating you.
FridayNext: I kinda… Okay, first I built him, right? Because…once again I kinda…but the man’s a rock! He doesn’t react AT ALL! I’ve tried all I can think of, except of nude photos, and let’s face it, I will never do that. Not with my looks. But he’s so DREAMY and all…
UniCorn: Are we talking about J-Man?
FridayNext: SHHHH! Don’t say his name!
Matt: What are you two talking about?
FridayNext: There you are. You’re not wearing the clogs I got you?
Matt: Aren’t they only for out doors?
UniCorn: So, Matt. How are you? You look like you work out?
Matt: Oh, I like to tone my upper body…
FridayNext: Uni!
Matt: Sweetie, that’s okay. I don’t mind. I work out so that I can make my baby happy.
UniCorn: Aaaawwwwww!
FridayNext: Eeeewwwww!
SILENCE
Matt: So, you were talking about J-Man?
FridayNext: No!
Matt: Because I just don’t understand what the fuss is all about!
FridayNext: We were not talking about him. Anyway, would you like to go out for dinner?
Matt: I’ve lost my appetite. It’s hurtful that you love somebody else!
UniCorn: *gawking in disbelief*
FridayNext: Honey, I don’t love him! Now, go in and put on a nice shirt. Then we’ll go out in just a minute, okay?
Matt: *moping all the way into the bedroom* I hate J-Man I hate J-Man I hate J-Man
UniCorn: What are you doing? He’s wonderful and you turn him down!
FridayNext: *staring at her with eyes wide open* Reality check, Uni!
UniCorn: Dump J-Man, Matt’s here for you.
FridayNext: *exasperated* Have you lost your mind?!
UniCorn: Honey, Matt’s got hands, eyes and teeth. He’s a dreamboat.
FridayNext: He’s not real! I built him!
UniCorn: Who cares about real? He’s delicious!
FridayNext: I tried to get my hands on the controls last night.
UniCorn: Why didn’t you?
FridayNext: The insane person who invented the kit placed the controls close to Matt’s groin.
UniCorn: HA HA HA!
FridayNext: Yeah, major ha ha. Matt thought I hit on him and of course, as the super boyfriend that he is, he rolled over and pinned me to the bed.
UniCorn: Then what?
FridayNext: I tried to get my hands…oh shut up, Uni. That’s disgusting!
UniCorn: Maaah haaaah!
FridayNext: You need to help me dismantle him.
UniCorn: Oh no I don’t! I like him.
FridayNext: He’s ruining my life!
UniCorn: No he isn’t. He’s nice and sweet and kind. I’d adopt him if I didn’t already have ChessBoy in my life.
FridayNext: Idiot.
UniCorn: Beg your pardon?!
FridayNext: I’m an idiot. How am I supposed to go on living now? Matt’s taken over my flat!
UniCorn: You’ll live, honey. Go for a bike ride, clear your head.
FridayNext: Will you keep him company for a bit?
UniCorn: Oh yes!
FridayNext: In a nice manner! Don’t be…gross.
UniCorn: Never. Love you and see you in a couple of hours.
FridayNext: I won’t be gone that long!
UniCorn: *shoving FN out the door* Sure you will. You need the exercise. Love ya.
FridayNext: What the hell…
FridayNext: Shhhhh!
UniCorn: Don’t shhhh me!
FridayNext: Well, don’t be so loud then. Lower your voice.
UniCorn: What’s the matter? You look like you’ve been up all night.
FridayNext: And that’s what I have. He’s insane, Uni!
UniCorn: Who?
FridayNext: Matt!
UniCorn: I want to see him. Is he really the spitting image of Matt Damon?
FridayNext: I don’t know. I think he’s ugly.
UniCorn: Then he’s nothing like Matt Damon.
FridayNext: Right. Just…be careful with what you say.
UniCorn: Because Matt Damon is HOT!
FridayNext: *going ballistic* Will you shut up about frickin’ Matt Damon?! For god’s sakes, get a life, will ya!
UniCorn: *close to exploding* EXCUSE ME!
FridayNext: Sorry, sorry sorry. He’s been on my back all night and he drives me insane. He has a…what do you call it? A jealous streak?
UniCorn: Jealous of what?
Matt: Hello. Friday, honey, who’s this?
UniCorn: OH MY GAWD!
FridayNext: Matt, this is UniCorn. Remember I’ve told you about her?
Matt: Charmed. And how are you?
UniCorn: Oh my gawd!
Matt: *smiling and stretching out his right hand to UniCorn* Hi.
UniCorn: Jesus!
FridayNext: *whispering under her breath* Not quite.
Matt: How long have you known my darling Friday?
FridayNext: *rolling her eyes* Sweetie, how about a cup of coffee? Should I make you one?
Matt & UniCorn in UniSon: I’m not thirsty.
UniCorn: Oh, maaah haaah.
Matt: Oh! Ha ha.
FridayNext: Yeah, hilarious. Matt, sweetie, I need to speak to Uni.
Matt: Right.
FridayNext: On our own.
Matt: Oh.
FridayNext: Uni, if you can tear yourself away, come with me.
UniCorn: He is GORGEOUS! Build me one, build me one!
FridayNext: Have you heard what I’ve been trying to tell you? The man’s insane!
UniCorn: Insane my behind. He looks great. That’s what I like.
FridayNext: And welcome to my shallow best friend’s life. Will you forget about his looks for a second? He’s jealous of…
UniCorn: What?
FridayNext: Y’know!
UniCorn: I’m gonna slap you.
FridayNext: Yes, please be mean to me. I’m not living my worst nightmare to the fullest. Please slap me as well!
UniCorn: I’m gonna if you don’t shut up. Tell me what’s eating you.
FridayNext: I kinda… Okay, first I built him, right? Because…once again I kinda…but the man’s a rock! He doesn’t react AT ALL! I’ve tried all I can think of, except of nude photos, and let’s face it, I will never do that. Not with my looks. But he’s so DREAMY and all…
UniCorn: Are we talking about J-Man?
FridayNext: SHHHH! Don’t say his name!
Matt: What are you two talking about?
FridayNext: There you are. You’re not wearing the clogs I got you?
Matt: Aren’t they only for out doors?
UniCorn: So, Matt. How are you? You look like you work out?
Matt: Oh, I like to tone my upper body…
FridayNext: Uni!
Matt: Sweetie, that’s okay. I don’t mind. I work out so that I can make my baby happy.
UniCorn: Aaaawwwwww!
FridayNext: Eeeewwwww!
SILENCE
Matt: So, you were talking about J-Man?
FridayNext: No!
Matt: Because I just don’t understand what the fuss is all about!
FridayNext: We were not talking about him. Anyway, would you like to go out for dinner?
Matt: I’ve lost my appetite. It’s hurtful that you love somebody else!
UniCorn: *gawking in disbelief*
FridayNext: Honey, I don’t love him! Now, go in and put on a nice shirt. Then we’ll go out in just a minute, okay?
Matt: *moping all the way into the bedroom* I hate J-Man I hate J-Man I hate J-Man
UniCorn: What are you doing? He’s wonderful and you turn him down!
FridayNext: *staring at her with eyes wide open* Reality check, Uni!
UniCorn: Dump J-Man, Matt’s here for you.
FridayNext: *exasperated* Have you lost your mind?!
UniCorn: Honey, Matt’s got hands, eyes and teeth. He’s a dreamboat.
FridayNext: He’s not real! I built him!
UniCorn: Who cares about real? He’s delicious!
FridayNext: I tried to get my hands on the controls last night.
UniCorn: Why didn’t you?
FridayNext: The insane person who invented the kit placed the controls close to Matt’s groin.
UniCorn: HA HA HA!
FridayNext: Yeah, major ha ha. Matt thought I hit on him and of course, as the super boyfriend that he is, he rolled over and pinned me to the bed.
UniCorn: Then what?
FridayNext: I tried to get my hands…oh shut up, Uni. That’s disgusting!
UniCorn: Maaah haaaah!
FridayNext: You need to help me dismantle him.
UniCorn: Oh no I don’t! I like him.
FridayNext: He’s ruining my life!
UniCorn: No he isn’t. He’s nice and sweet and kind. I’d adopt him if I didn’t already have ChessBoy in my life.
FridayNext: Idiot.
UniCorn: Beg your pardon?!
FridayNext: I’m an idiot. How am I supposed to go on living now? Matt’s taken over my flat!
UniCorn: You’ll live, honey. Go for a bike ride, clear your head.
FridayNext: Will you keep him company for a bit?
UniCorn: Oh yes!
FridayNext: In a nice manner! Don’t be…gross.
UniCorn: Never. Love you and see you in a couple of hours.
FridayNext: I won’t be gone that long!
UniCorn: *shoving FN out the door* Sure you will. You need the exercise. Love ya.
FridayNext: What the hell…
Saturday, 11 August 2007
Intermezzo
InBox: It’s you again!
FridayNext: Sorry?
InBox: You fooled me last night!
FridayNext: Excuse me, but who are you?
InBox: Your worst nightmare!
FridayNext: So far you’re right. But apart from that?
InBox: You can only stalk him through me…
FridayNext: OH! You’re whatshisname’s inbox.
InBox: Don’t pretend that you have forgotten all about him. You sent ice cream through me yesterday!
FridayNext: He emailed me. Said he was melting. So I had two choices: either ask him to strip down…
InBox: Don’t go there!
FridayNext: I wonder what he looks like in the n….
InBox: Snap out of it!
FridayNext: Or I could send him an ice cream. I’m not as creepy as you think so I sent him an ice cream instead.
InBox: So what do you want now?
FridayNext: That’s personal.
InBox: You don’t have a personal relationship. If it’s not work related, you should move on.
FridayNext: Who the heck are you to judge? Let me through!
InBox: Lose the attitude, ma’am!
FridayNext: *near exploding* How old do you think I am? Ma’am my butt.
InBox: If the shoe fits. Move on.
FridayNext: No I won’t! It’s work related! Let me through!
J-Man: Morning
Ace: Morning
J-Man: What’s that goo all over my desk and chair?
Ace: Dunno. It was covered in it when I opened the office this morning.
Silence
J-Man turns on his Mac, Ace is occupied with a very important task, but he peeks now and again. J-Man logs on, opens his email.
SWOOOOOOOOSH!
J-Man’s hair flips back automatically from the velocity. His eyes fill with tears. Ace gawks slightly.
Silence
Ace: That’s something I’ve never seen.
J-Man: Me neither.
Ace: What is it?
J-Man: I think there’re raisins.
Ace: Like ten pounds of them scattered all over the office now.
J-Man: Where did they come from?
Ace: Let me guess…
J-Man: No…
Ace: *giggling*
J-Man: Oh…
FridayNext: Sorry?
InBox: You fooled me last night!
FridayNext: Excuse me, but who are you?
InBox: Your worst nightmare!
FridayNext: So far you’re right. But apart from that?
InBox: You can only stalk him through me…
FridayNext: OH! You’re whatshisname’s inbox.
InBox: Don’t pretend that you have forgotten all about him. You sent ice cream through me yesterday!
FridayNext: He emailed me. Said he was melting. So I had two choices: either ask him to strip down…
InBox: Don’t go there!
FridayNext: I wonder what he looks like in the n….
InBox: Snap out of it!
FridayNext: Or I could send him an ice cream. I’m not as creepy as you think so I sent him an ice cream instead.
InBox: So what do you want now?
FridayNext: That’s personal.
InBox: You don’t have a personal relationship. If it’s not work related, you should move on.
FridayNext: Who the heck are you to judge? Let me through!
InBox: Lose the attitude, ma’am!
FridayNext: *near exploding* How old do you think I am? Ma’am my butt.
InBox: If the shoe fits. Move on.
FridayNext: No I won’t! It’s work related! Let me through!
J-Man: Morning
Ace: Morning
J-Man: What’s that goo all over my desk and chair?
Ace: Dunno. It was covered in it when I opened the office this morning.
Silence
J-Man turns on his Mac, Ace is occupied with a very important task, but he peeks now and again. J-Man logs on, opens his email.
SWOOOOOOOOSH!
J-Man’s hair flips back automatically from the velocity. His eyes fill with tears. Ace gawks slightly.
Silence
Ace: That’s something I’ve never seen.
J-Man: Me neither.
Ace: What is it?
J-Man: I think there’re raisins.
Ace: Like ten pounds of them scattered all over the office now.
J-Man: Where did they come from?
Ace: Let me guess…
J-Man: No…
Ace: *giggling*
J-Man: Oh…
Friday, 10 August 2007
How To Build Your Own Man
It’s hot.
It’s sticky.
It’s too sunny.
And I’m on my own getting restless and tetchy.
Everybody I know is in a relationship and although in theory I like the idea of having somebody to come home to, I’m not too crazy about it in real life. Somebody is there all the time, gossiping about this and that, asking questions, discussing mundane topics and all I want to do is yelling: shut up already!
But if the perfect guy came along, I would consider taking down black Spidey from my bedroom wall. However, Mr. Perfect probably doesn’t exist so instead I have decided to build him myself. That way you get what you want and he’ll understand you from Day 1. Right?
I’ve bought the basic assembly kit. I’m sure that you can find it in any shop close to your home. This didn’t cost too much. I figure why spend a lot on a man before you know whether he’s a keeper?
The Essentials:
You need eyes (brown. Or blue. Green works as well. So does grey. Whichever colour, really)
You need hands (big but not too big)
You need teeth (preferably uneven)
Throw in some hair, a nose, a mouth, two ears, a neck and a body.
Some units come with extended features and software so you can adjust height, girth and lips. A sheep like me needs a man who’s not too tall. And I like them a bit skinny. And lips…heck yeah, I like them to have lips.
Where does this thing go – the explanatory sheet isn’t too clear. I’ll put it in there…oh, wrong wrong wrong! His arm comes out of the wrong body orifice. Abort mission!
Oh my god, these directions are worse than IKEA’s!
I’m beginning to think that I should have shelled out a bit more on the kit.
FOUR HOURS LATER
Finally, here comes my man. His looks are a combo of Jake Gyllenhaal, Matt Damon and Gordon Brown. How the hell did MD come into the equation? The instructions didn’t specify that MD would be part of the kit.
It should be easy to install software. I insert the disc and click.
Wait wait wait.
Error in drive.
Sorry?
Error in drive.
No, that’s not right. Try again.
Error in drive.
Try again.
Error in drive, you muthafrickin’ bee-atch!
Well, excuse me for being me – reboot!
After three reboots it’s going smoothly. I can choose:
How quiet should he be
Should he be into sports
Is he a fashion buff
The list is endless. What am I looking for in a man? I like teeth, eyes and hands. I like brains. As long as I don’t feel too dim-witted. I like a man who’s quiet, not into sports and who pays attention to me.
FridayNext: Hi Matt. How are you today?
Matt: ---
FridayNext: Did I forget to install volume…nope. Hi Matt. How are you today?
Matt: ---
FridayNext: Oh, you’re being quiet. Too quiet. Wait… Hi Matt. How are you today?
Matt: You would not believe the day I’ve had! First a woman GROPED me in the most inappropriate places, then…
FridayNext: Volume down! The neighbours can hear you. Less talkative should do it…
Matt: Hello Friday. It’s lovely to see you. You look stunning. Green suits you.
FridayNext: *blushing* Well, thank you ever so much.
Matt: Are you hungry?
FridayNext: Always!
Matt: How about sushi?
FridayNext: *in disbelief* Wow, you read my mind!
Matt: I aim to please.
I’m in love. I can live with the fact that he looks too much like Matt Damon. Nobody’s 100 % perfect. Well, except for Jake, of course.
It’s sticky.
It’s too sunny.
And I’m on my own getting restless and tetchy.
Everybody I know is in a relationship and although in theory I like the idea of having somebody to come home to, I’m not too crazy about it in real life. Somebody is there all the time, gossiping about this and that, asking questions, discussing mundane topics and all I want to do is yelling: shut up already!
But if the perfect guy came along, I would consider taking down black Spidey from my bedroom wall. However, Mr. Perfect probably doesn’t exist so instead I have decided to build him myself. That way you get what you want and he’ll understand you from Day 1. Right?
I’ve bought the basic assembly kit. I’m sure that you can find it in any shop close to your home. This didn’t cost too much. I figure why spend a lot on a man before you know whether he’s a keeper?
The Essentials:
You need eyes (brown. Or blue. Green works as well. So does grey. Whichever colour, really)
You need hands (big but not too big)
You need teeth (preferably uneven)
Throw in some hair, a nose, a mouth, two ears, a neck and a body.
Some units come with extended features and software so you can adjust height, girth and lips. A sheep like me needs a man who’s not too tall. And I like them a bit skinny. And lips…heck yeah, I like them to have lips.
Where does this thing go – the explanatory sheet isn’t too clear. I’ll put it in there…oh, wrong wrong wrong! His arm comes out of the wrong body orifice. Abort mission!
Oh my god, these directions are worse than IKEA’s!
I’m beginning to think that I should have shelled out a bit more on the kit.
FOUR HOURS LATER
Finally, here comes my man. His looks are a combo of Jake Gyllenhaal, Matt Damon and Gordon Brown. How the hell did MD come into the equation? The instructions didn’t specify that MD would be part of the kit.
It should be easy to install software. I insert the disc and click.
Wait wait wait.
Error in drive.
Sorry?
Error in drive.
No, that’s not right. Try again.
Error in drive.
Try again.
Error in drive, you muthafrickin’ bee-atch!
Well, excuse me for being me – reboot!
After three reboots it’s going smoothly. I can choose:
How quiet should he be
Should he be into sports
Is he a fashion buff
The list is endless. What am I looking for in a man? I like teeth, eyes and hands. I like brains. As long as I don’t feel too dim-witted. I like a man who’s quiet, not into sports and who pays attention to me.
FridayNext: Hi Matt. How are you today?
Matt: ---
FridayNext: Did I forget to install volume…nope. Hi Matt. How are you today?
Matt: ---
FridayNext: Oh, you’re being quiet. Too quiet. Wait… Hi Matt. How are you today?
Matt: You would not believe the day I’ve had! First a woman GROPED me in the most inappropriate places, then…
FridayNext: Volume down! The neighbours can hear you. Less talkative should do it…
Matt: Hello Friday. It’s lovely to see you. You look stunning. Green suits you.
FridayNext: *blushing* Well, thank you ever so much.
Matt: Are you hungry?
FridayNext: Always!
Matt: How about sushi?
FridayNext: *in disbelief* Wow, you read my mind!
Matt: I aim to please.
I’m in love. I can live with the fact that he looks too much like Matt Damon. Nobody’s 100 % perfect. Well, except for Jake, of course.
Wednesday, 8 August 2007
Memory Lane
When you miss people, it’s always good to think about the good old days. When you were hanging out, swapping tongues….stories. Always get those two confused.
UniCorn: EWWWWW!
FridayNext: You’re too busy to join in today. Goawaynow.
UniCorn: MI!
FridayNext: Exactly. So shooo.
…hanging out, swapping stories, telling her about your dreams, ideas, theory about glue – stuff that life is made of.
Today I miss UniCorn a lot. She’s actually joined everybody else I know by being too busy to hang out with me. So let’s go down memory lane today. When did it all begin? What happened in the middle part? And what about now?
First thing first. It all happened with Brokeback. Truly, it was all about Brokeback Mountain. We had been working together for…mumble mumble….some time. Can’t remember how long. A year? More than a year? Anyway, for some odd reason we decided: why not go out for dinner one night – and combine it with a film?
We went for Chinese. This was way before I discovered sushi.
Bellies too full of prawns and noodles, we waddled to the local theatre, yawned “2 for Brokeback” and went inside, bellies hanging out of our pants. Seriously.
Half an hour into the film: oh my gawd! Did he just do that? Noooo, he didn’t. It’s not a European film. It’s not a French film. Don’t look at her, don’t look at her, don’t look at her. What must she be thinking. It was my suggestion that we see this film. Oh my….they’re at it! Full blown IMAX screen and the old couple next to me have suddenly gone dead quiet.
Reaction after the film:
UniCorn: So…what do you think?
FridayNext: Oh….it was alright.
UniCorn: Yeah, it was okay.
SILENCE
FridayNext: So…
UniCorn: Yeah?
FridayNext: Who was that….guy…with the teeth?
UniCorn: Maaah haaaah!
And somehow we both knew that we would always have Jake Gyllenhaal in our lives.
The middle part is blurry at best.
I remember she shoved me onto a rollercoaster and I told her: don’t be alarmed, but I don’t scream. Exactly two seconds after the ride began, I screamed my heart out for the first time ever, probably turning on the Richter’s in some distinct area of the planet.
I remember that she told me to breathe. That the world isn’t too scary. Not always. That it’s okay to be moody, miss old friends, be in love with the wrong men (plural, because I don’t learn from my mistakes) and talk about her cleavage in public.
I remember that she has the knack for making me feel quite normal. Which in itself is quite an achievement.
And now.
Now I miss her.
She’s been busy like forever already.
At least for a week.
That’s a long time.
UniCorn: EWWWWW!
FridayNext: You’re too busy to join in today. Goawaynow.
UniCorn: MI!
FridayNext: Exactly. So shooo.
…hanging out, swapping stories, telling her about your dreams, ideas, theory about glue – stuff that life is made of.
Today I miss UniCorn a lot. She’s actually joined everybody else I know by being too busy to hang out with me. So let’s go down memory lane today. When did it all begin? What happened in the middle part? And what about now?
First thing first. It all happened with Brokeback. Truly, it was all about Brokeback Mountain. We had been working together for…mumble mumble….some time. Can’t remember how long. A year? More than a year? Anyway, for some odd reason we decided: why not go out for dinner one night – and combine it with a film?
We went for Chinese. This was way before I discovered sushi.
Bellies too full of prawns and noodles, we waddled to the local theatre, yawned “2 for Brokeback” and went inside, bellies hanging out of our pants. Seriously.
Half an hour into the film: oh my gawd! Did he just do that? Noooo, he didn’t. It’s not a European film. It’s not a French film. Don’t look at her, don’t look at her, don’t look at her. What must she be thinking. It was my suggestion that we see this film. Oh my….they’re at it! Full blown IMAX screen and the old couple next to me have suddenly gone dead quiet.
Reaction after the film:
UniCorn: So…what do you think?
FridayNext: Oh….it was alright.
UniCorn: Yeah, it was okay.
SILENCE
FridayNext: So…
UniCorn: Yeah?
FridayNext: Who was that….guy…with the teeth?
UniCorn: Maaah haaaah!
And somehow we both knew that we would always have Jake Gyllenhaal in our lives.
The middle part is blurry at best.
I remember she shoved me onto a rollercoaster and I told her: don’t be alarmed, but I don’t scream. Exactly two seconds after the ride began, I screamed my heart out for the first time ever, probably turning on the Richter’s in some distinct area of the planet.
I remember that she told me to breathe. That the world isn’t too scary. Not always. That it’s okay to be moody, miss old friends, be in love with the wrong men (plural, because I don’t learn from my mistakes) and talk about her cleavage in public.
I remember that she has the knack for making me feel quite normal. Which in itself is quite an achievement.
And now.
Now I miss her.
She’s been busy like forever already.
At least for a week.
That’s a long time.
Sunday, 5 August 2007
Road Trip, Part I
It’s taken me three days to recuperate from our road trip. Who knew it would be such an effort to go abroad – see sights – get sushi take away and then go home.
I live in a penthouse. Yep, I know. You’re all jealous and there’s nothing I can do about it. Except enjoy my splendid view even more.
UniCorn: The view less J-Man.
FridayNext: Rub it in, will ya?! Go away!
The day of the road trip begins with the lift being out of order. For the fifth day in a row. It’s a long climb up, huffing and puffing trying not to sound like a wheezing bagpipe when you bump into neighbours going down.
UniCorn: How can you sound like a bagpipe?
FridayNext: If you combine wheezing with aaaooouuuggggghhhhh.
UniCorn: Sorry for asking…
UniCorn promised she’d bring breakfast and her car keys. She’s right on time. Well, she parks right on time. I see her from my kitchen window. Little does she know that the lift is out of order.
First I text her:
FridayMobile: You’re here. You’re here!
No answer. I watch her go into my building. She should have replied! Payback: I time her.
Less than 5 minutes. And she’s not really huffing and puffing much.
FridayNext: You’ve been working out! I hate you now!
UniCorn: *smiling sweetly*
FridayNext: Great, I’ll remain the fattest and unfit person here for ever!
UniCorn: Stop sulking. You’re adorable the way you are.
SILENCE
UniCorn: Too icky?
FridayNext: Yeah. I think so.
We munch breakfast. It’s not just her and me today. TravellingChick has been living with me. Ooooh la lah! Or not. She’s been crashing on my sofa in the evening, sleeping in my spare bed at night, munching muesli in the morning before going to work. It’s been really weird having somebody else in the flat. Somebody to take control over my telly, bathroom and living room. I’ve heard myself utter:
FridayNext: Honey, I’m home.
And it wasn’t really that much of a joke. It just seemed the logic thing to say.
We’re going on the road trip as the last thing we’ll do together before she ups and leaves us for nine months. I’ve been pestering them for a month. There’s a specific sight I want to see.
FridayNext: Can we, can we, can we, pleeeaaaazzzeee. Pretty pleeeeeze!
TravellingChick: Stop her before I smack her!
UniCorn: It depends on the weather. I don’t want to go that far if it’s pouring cats and dogs.
FridayNext: Meow!
UniCorn: You’re recycling your jokes. Stop it!
Lucky me, the weather is great. And I pop a couple of carsickness pills and then off we go. They force me to sit in the back.
UniCorn: If you’re gonna puke, use the window, alright?
FridayNext: You’re kidding?
UniCorn: Did you bring a paper bag?
FridayNext: No…
UniCorn: So use the window. I won’t tell you again.
TravellingChick: Ha ha ha!
UniCorn: *handing TravellingChick a map* And you can read me the directions. She’s no use at maps!
UniCorn is pointing at me. I’m suddenly ‘she’. I don’t like it one bit. TravellingChick has stopped laughing. Ha ha, serves her right for laughing at me.
Fifteen minutes later. Cars, cars, silly man behind the wheel, cars, bus, cars, lorry, cars, silly woman behind the wheel, bus, lorry.
FridayNext: So…I’m bored.
UniCorn: No you’re not. You’re having the greatest time of your life. How’re you feeling?
FridayNext: Fine. I suppose. Haven’t really thought too much about being sick.
TravellingChick: Can I put on Kaiser Chiefs?
UniCorn: Alright.
But all I can think of now is whether I would feel a bit better if I throw up my breakfast. Or is it only in my imagination that I feel wobbly? And a bit uneasy?
Another twenty minutes pass. To me it sounds like Kaiser Chiefs are on repeat. It’s the same song over and over. I wonder if I’m getting too old for music that should have been played in the 1990s.
We go over a huge bridge. It’s enormous. It’s beautiful if you’re into bridges. There’s a lot of water. I can’t swim. I feel a bit queasy.
TravellingChick: Do you think there are whales in the water?
UniCorn: Sure. Tonnes.
I snort in reply. Can’t really think about anything but being scared of water right now.
UniCorn: Should we listen to Friday’s cd?
TravellingChick: Alright.
She pops in my cd. I can barely remember what’s on it.
UniCorn: Look to your left, Friday. What’s that?
Oh. OH OH OH! There it is. It’s HUGE. It’s so beautiful. I want to hug it. I want to take it home and make it mine mine mine.
FridayNext: *sighing* I love it.
TravellingChick: It’s just a building, right?
UniCorn: Ssshhhhhh! Before she snaps…
But I’m not really listening. I’m gonna see it up close real soon.
Before that we get lost, though. But we get there, finally. And we walk up and there it is.
If this isn’t beautiful, I don’t know what is. Certainly not the picture that UniCorn took of me.
I’m really not that distorted. Am I?
More about our road trip later.
I live in a penthouse. Yep, I know. You’re all jealous and there’s nothing I can do about it. Except enjoy my splendid view even more.
UniCorn: The view less J-Man.
FridayNext: Rub it in, will ya?! Go away!
The day of the road trip begins with the lift being out of order. For the fifth day in a row. It’s a long climb up, huffing and puffing trying not to sound like a wheezing bagpipe when you bump into neighbours going down.
UniCorn: How can you sound like a bagpipe?
FridayNext: If you combine wheezing with aaaooouuuggggghhhhh.
UniCorn: Sorry for asking…
UniCorn promised she’d bring breakfast and her car keys. She’s right on time. Well, she parks right on time. I see her from my kitchen window. Little does she know that the lift is out of order.
First I text her:
FridayMobile: You’re here. You’re here!
No answer. I watch her go into my building. She should have replied! Payback: I time her.
Less than 5 minutes. And she’s not really huffing and puffing much.
FridayNext: You’ve been working out! I hate you now!
UniCorn: *smiling sweetly*
FridayNext: Great, I’ll remain the fattest and unfit person here for ever!
UniCorn: Stop sulking. You’re adorable the way you are.
SILENCE
UniCorn: Too icky?
FridayNext: Yeah. I think so.
We munch breakfast. It’s not just her and me today. TravellingChick has been living with me. Ooooh la lah! Or not. She’s been crashing on my sofa in the evening, sleeping in my spare bed at night, munching muesli in the morning before going to work. It’s been really weird having somebody else in the flat. Somebody to take control over my telly, bathroom and living room. I’ve heard myself utter:
FridayNext: Honey, I’m home.
And it wasn’t really that much of a joke. It just seemed the logic thing to say.
We’re going on the road trip as the last thing we’ll do together before she ups and leaves us for nine months. I’ve been pestering them for a month. There’s a specific sight I want to see.
FridayNext: Can we, can we, can we, pleeeaaaazzzeee. Pretty pleeeeeze!
TravellingChick: Stop her before I smack her!
UniCorn: It depends on the weather. I don’t want to go that far if it’s pouring cats and dogs.
FridayNext: Meow!
UniCorn: You’re recycling your jokes. Stop it!
Lucky me, the weather is great. And I pop a couple of carsickness pills and then off we go. They force me to sit in the back.
UniCorn: If you’re gonna puke, use the window, alright?
FridayNext: You’re kidding?
UniCorn: Did you bring a paper bag?
FridayNext: No…
UniCorn: So use the window. I won’t tell you again.
TravellingChick: Ha ha ha!
UniCorn: *handing TravellingChick a map* And you can read me the directions. She’s no use at maps!
UniCorn is pointing at me. I’m suddenly ‘she’. I don’t like it one bit. TravellingChick has stopped laughing. Ha ha, serves her right for laughing at me.
Fifteen minutes later. Cars, cars, silly man behind the wheel, cars, bus, cars, lorry, cars, silly woman behind the wheel, bus, lorry.
FridayNext: So…I’m bored.
UniCorn: No you’re not. You’re having the greatest time of your life. How’re you feeling?
FridayNext: Fine. I suppose. Haven’t really thought too much about being sick.
TravellingChick: Can I put on Kaiser Chiefs?
UniCorn: Alright.
But all I can think of now is whether I would feel a bit better if I throw up my breakfast. Or is it only in my imagination that I feel wobbly? And a bit uneasy?
Another twenty minutes pass. To me it sounds like Kaiser Chiefs are on repeat. It’s the same song over and over. I wonder if I’m getting too old for music that should have been played in the 1990s.
We go over a huge bridge. It’s enormous. It’s beautiful if you’re into bridges. There’s a lot of water. I can’t swim. I feel a bit queasy.
TravellingChick: Do you think there are whales in the water?
UniCorn: Sure. Tonnes.
I snort in reply. Can’t really think about anything but being scared of water right now.
UniCorn: Should we listen to Friday’s cd?
TravellingChick: Alright.
She pops in my cd. I can barely remember what’s on it.
UniCorn: Look to your left, Friday. What’s that?
Oh. OH OH OH! There it is. It’s HUGE. It’s so beautiful. I want to hug it. I want to take it home and make it mine mine mine.
FridayNext: *sighing* I love it.
TravellingChick: It’s just a building, right?
UniCorn: Ssshhhhhh! Before she snaps…
But I’m not really listening. I’m gonna see it up close real soon.
Before that we get lost, though. But we get there, finally. And we walk up and there it is.
If this isn’t beautiful, I don’t know what is. Certainly not the picture that UniCorn took of me.
I’m really not that distorted. Am I?
More about our road trip later.
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