Days 2 Remember

FridayNext: Hello. I’m here for...
JonasTheSadist: I’m your trainer!
FridayNext: Oh god! Are you out of the nappy yet?
JonasTheSadist: Give me 20!
FridayNext: Sorry, don’t have any cash on me.
JonasTheSadist: Okay, let’s start all over.
FridayNext: Right.

Spidey: He didn’t say that at all.
FridayNext: He could have. It felt like it.
Spidey: But you were smiling when you came home today.
FridayNext: Of course. I had endured JonasTheSadist and his fitness Hell.

The limbs are not sore anymore and JonasTheSadist is actually rather sweet when he doesn’t scream out orders. The other day he politely asked me how I was progressing. Soaked in sweat from head to toe, I stood there, flabbergasted and insecure and slightly shy. I managed to rasp out “good” and “fun” and *giggling like a maniac*. He smiled and said “well done”. All I saw, however, was a pair of hot chocolate brown eyes and I immediately thought of Ace. Oh Ace. You suave and sophisticated man who’s lucky to spend every single day – or at least 5 days a week – with J-Man.

Which reminds me of The Day that J-Man Almost Proposed to me.

But before she drones on about the Happiest Day of her life, we better visit the boys because what’s been going on in their lives since we last heard from them?

Matt: Hey! We haven’t seen you for a while. What’s up?
Ken: Matt! Hey! Ha ha ha!
Matt: Amazing tick you got. Something wrong?
Ken: No. Nope! Not at all!
Matt: You’re the worst liar I’ve ever met.
Ken: Ha ha!
Spidey: Yo Ken. Thought you’d be locking up tonight. Wanna hang out?
Ken: Oh!
Matt: What the hell is wrong with you?
Spidey: Oh!
Matt: Oh what?!
Ken: I thought… Perhaps it would be best if we didn’t…
Spidey: Matt, Fri asked Ken out and he refused. She’s not mentioned it to anybody, I think. Not even Uni.
Matt: She asked you out?
Ken: I said no!
Matt: But she asked you out?
Spidey: Snap out of it. He said no, and the strange thing is that since then she’s been going to the gym. Voluntarily. So something good’s come out of it, bud.
Matt: How come I feel like I’ve been kicked in the teeth?
Spidey: Rather them than the stomach. So, hang with us?
Ken: Okay with you, Matt?
Matt: Sure. I guess I’ll get over being rejected again and again.
Spidey: There’re lots of women out there…
Matt: I was built to please her!
Ken: I don’t want to hear this!

Ace: It’s been quiet for days now.
J-Man: I’ve been working my butt off.
Ace: Yeah, we’re busy but in a good way. With work.
J-Man: Right. You’re not making any sense.
Ace: We’re so busy that I haven’t had time to update our blog.
J-Man: Mmmm.
Ace: We haven’t talked about…the evening.
J-Man: What evening?
Ace: The evening we spent at FridayNext’s.
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: Want to forget about it?
J-Man: I haven’t thought about it. I like Matt, Spidey and Ken.
Ace: Yeah.
J-Man: So what’s the problem?
Ace: It’s her place.
J-Man: She hasn’t emailed me at all since.
Ace: Exactly!
J-Man: But it’s just because she doesn’t have a project for us.
Ace: J…
J-Man: God, you’re right. She normally emails me several times a day.
Ace: Oh, speaking of the devil…
J-Man: She emailed you?
Ace: She’s asking us over for a meeting.
J-Man: Okay, that means she’s got work for us and that’s good.
Ace: I’m not sure I want to see her.
J-Man: It’s work. Of course you want to see her.

And then the day has arrived and I go all goofy and hyper and then sudden numbness falls from the sky and paralyse me but my heart goes berserk and nothing I say make sense. It’s bound to be awkward. It usually is. And I say all the wrong things, giggle at the most inappropriate moments. I wish they wouldn’t come over for a meeting. They should just stay away from my office for like ever!

TheBoss comes into my office and talks incessantly about something very uninteresting and I nod and smile and tune him out. It’s probably about architecture. Or an email. Whichever. He stands in my doorway and glances up and down the hallway. In mid-sentence he interrupts himself.

TheBoss: There they are! Welcome. Come in, come in, come in!

He leaves my office and practically runs to the boys and I stand in my office, out of breath, sweating and freezing, no clear head for hours. I can hear Ace greet TheBoss. I know I have to go into the conference room and act adult and professional (ha ha ha, Oscar for worst performance goes to…). I take an uneasy step towards the hallway but am interrupted by a face that looks into my office. I go red in my face, avert eye contact and try not to giggle like a crazy person.

J-Man: Hey Friday.
FridayNext: Hey.

He comes into my office and stands in the middle of the room. I try to make a joke that it’d be nice if he was a colleague and that we shared my office. I doubt all the words come out at a coherent pace. He reaches out his right hand to shake my hand, but because I’m too shy and awkward and ugly and old and fat and strange and weird and unprofessional and lots and lots of other negative words, I keep my head down and focus on no particular spot on the floor. The biggest surprise of the century then happens.

He spreads out his arms and scoops me into an embrace. I silently gasp – can one do that? – and all I hear is wedding bells.

Ace: It was a good meeting, don’t you think?
J-Man: I did a bad thing.
Ace: Don’t think anybody noticed. They all acted professional and interested.
J-Man: I kinda hugged her. Before the meeting.
Ace: *staring in disbelief at J-Man* Are you insane?
J-Man: It felt okay at the time. She looked a bit vulnerable.
Ace: You’ve opened Pandora’s Box!
J-Man: Yeah, it feels like it. But she’s basically professional and it’s okay to get a kooky email now and again.

The next day the post arrives at the FancyDesignAgency. No attention person. But it’s from…

Ace: You open it.
J-Man: You open it!
Ace: It’s for you, I bet.
J-Man: Could be for you. She promised to send you some material, right?
Ace: I forgot. Give me!
J-Man: What the hell is that?
Ace: Twenty balls of paper. And there’s a letter.
J-Man: What does it say?
Ace: It’s no fun to throw paper balls at J-Man when it’s long distance.
J-Man: Oh god.
Ace: They’re in different colours.
J-Man: Let me see…
Ace: *throwing four over* Hey, good velocity!
J-Man: Don’t aim for my head!
Ace: Sorry. Got carried away.
J-Man: This must be the strangest business correspondence anybody has ever sent.
Ace: What will she think of next?

But since that day she’s run out of ideas and she misses J-Man terribly.

Spidey: But you’ve got us!
FridayNext: Sorry. Not the same. And now…it’s time for bed. ‘Night.

How to Make Your Limbs Hurt

Brief recap of what’s happened but we couldn’t be bothered to share with you:

Matt: It’s a dream, honey. They weren’t here.
FridayNext: I saw them!
Spidey: You were too drunk to remember your own name.
FridayNext: I SAW them.
Matt: Ask Uni. She wouldn’t lie to you.
FridayNext: So?
UniCorn: They weren’t here, hon. I didn’t see them. It’s all in your imagination. You had a rough day with the reception and all.
FridayNext: Okay.

So time has gone by and basically everybody’s been too busy to keep up with each other. One is super duper depressed (can I have some more meds, please?), one is writing her butt off to get her thesis in on time, one is completely ignorant to this blog, one is utterly bored with being stalked daily on email, etc. So life… Sometimes you just have to hate it, endure it, stomach it and then cry for help. Help.

FridayNext: I keep gaining weight!
Spidey: Very tricky. What do you think could be the reason?
FridayNext: Beats me! Hey, I bought four Daim bars. They’re deeeelish!
Spidey: Can I have one?
FridayNext: Hands off! They’re mine! And I got some nachos as well.
Spidey: Cheese?
FridayNext: Nope. Salt.
Spidey: I prefer cheese.
FridayNext: As if I care. Go buy your own if you want some.
Matt: Hey…
Spidey: Out running?
Matt: Yeah. The birds are chirping and it’s warm. Like it’s spring.
FridayNext: Sounds great.
Matt: Hi sweetie.
FridayNext: *munching Daim and nacho incessantly* Darling.
Matt: Have you had lunch yet?
FridayNext: Hours ago. But I’m hungry still.
Matt: Spidey bought fruit yesterday. Have you eaten it all already?
Spidey: Two melons, pears and bananas.
FridayNext: Mmm, fried bananas!
Matt: Sweetie…
Spidey: You eat too much and you eat all the wrong stuff. You’re worse than me!
Matt: Perhaps you should eat some fruit. You like fruit!
FridayNext: Are you calling me fat?
Spidey: Hey, if you’re happy the way you look, great. Doesn’t matter to me.
Matt: Anyway, you’re a sheep and sheep needs shearing in the spring, right?
FridayNext: What the hell does that mean?
Matt: I don’t know! I have no idea! But you’ve been putting on weight since New Year and you need to lose some of it!
Spidey: *sucking in air* Oh man!
FridayNext: *brooding in silence*
Matt: I’m sorry.
FridayNext: I’m the Blubberoony.
Matt & Spidey in UniSon: Who?

Where do broken hearts go – to the gym, hon.

Everybody is too busy to go with me. It’s like being thrown in the deep end and a dragon is there waiting for you with all his fire and then J-Man shows up with a beautiful girlfriend and cola, fat and sugar are taken away from me. Perhaps I mixed up a couple of metaphors but you probably get the drift.

So half an hour before my planned session I go cold. I sit in the armchair and am too blank to remember my own name. Uni helped me buy clothes.

UniCorn: Are you a bit wobbly around the belly area?
FridayNext: Sure am!
UniCorn: You need a pair of these. And the boobs?
FridayNext: They’re all over the place!
UniCorn: So you also need a pair of these.
FridayNext: *after having tried it all on* Oh my god! It feels great! All my fat is strapped in so I can run around like a crazy person.
UniCorn: But you probably shouldn’t do that…
FridayNext: Right! I’m normal. Not a crazy person.
UniCorn: Okay then… I really need to get back to my thesis, hon.
FridayNext: Are you leaving me?
UniCorn: I have to. I really need to…I’m so close now!
FridayNext: But I miss you!
UniCorn: Oh hon!
FridayNext: Goaway! But come back as soon as you have time off, yeah?
UniCorn: Done deal, hon.

Then I wobble down the local gym. Paralysed. They will all laugh at me. They will all point fingers at me. I walk into the reception – a young handsome man is on duty. Of course.

FridayNext: Hello. I’m here for…
Trainer: You’re Friday? Come on in. You can change your clothes down that hall and then come back to me and I’ll guide you.
FridayNext: Okay…

In the changing room there is woman. At least I didn’t accidentally walk into the men’s changing rooms. The woman is naked – always a bit tricky to decide whether you say hello or ignore a person who’s naked and not in your bedroom.

I fumble with the locker. I can’t even open the frickin’ locker! How will I ever be able to work any of the machines?!

FridayNext: Excuse me? Could you…

And then she speaks to me and it’s like this great sound that comes out of her mouth. She explains how to work the tricky lockers and now that she’s no longer naked, I feel comfy speaking to her. So she talks about her exercise routine and I stand there…eager to be this comfy around exercise machines. To be like her. But not as old as she. Yet. She’s waaaay older than me. For now.

I wobble out to the young and handsome trainer who’s waiting for me in a very low key way. He looks up and mumbles a bit to himself. He asks me about my exercise routine and I try not to snort and laugh too loud. But I remember that I bike every day and I can see he likes to hear that. So he puts me on a machine where coordination is the main key but I can’t find that key at all. Arms and legs are all over the place. Do this for five minutes, he says. No sweat, I think, when I finally figure out how to coordinate all my limbs.

One minute. Hey, this is fun. And the legs go…swoosh swoosh swoosh…and the arms go…puuull puuull puuull. It’s like skiing, I imagine. Which is probably why he called it a skiing machine. Two minutes. Oh. What’s that? Ewwww, beads of sweat. Disgusting! Three minutes. The minutes are longer on this machine than real time. Puuuuuuuull! More sweat. That’s so disgusting. I’m not built to sweat. Four minutes. No, not yet. Oh my god, I’m dying here! Four minutes! No. Come on! It’s gotta be four minutes now. Now. Now. Now. NOW! And now it is. One more minute. He’s trying to scare me. He thinks I’m too ugly to be in this gym. I look around. Well, people are rather plain looking…and – four-and-a-half-minute – they would probably not mind getting a new member. It’s about money, right? Please, five minutes. I’ll do anything to stop the machine now. Five minutes! Yes! I did it! I’m the champion. Chaaaaaampion! I’m the ruler of the universe. I’m unbeatable!

He comes over and tells me that he’ll show me more machines. What? So five minutes on the skiing thingy wasn’t enough to burn all my fat? Oh my god, how many machines do I need to work on? And for how long?

Spidey: Hey, Ms Fitness!
FridayNext: Please don’t call me that.
Matt: What was it like?
FridayNext: Actually…
Matt: Stop building up the suspense.
FridayNext: I have fallen in love.
Matt: You’re toying with me!
Spidey: You didn’t meet anyone except for the trainer!
FridayNext: How do you know?
Silence
Spidey: I kinda spied on you. Look, I just wanted to check out the place and make sure that they were nice to you.
FridayNext: Aaaawwwwwwww!
Matt: So that’s sweet? I would happily have come with you, but you wouldn’t let me!
FridayNext: Look at you! Mr Super Buffed! It’s embarrassing to be flappy and weak. I don’t want you to see me like that.
Spidey: You share your bed with him – I think he knows how flappy you are and where your problem areas are.
Matt & FridayNext in UniSon: Shut up!
Spidey: Jesus.
FridayNext: The rowing machine. I have fallen in love with the rowing machine. I rowed for twenty minutes. I rowed 4 kilometres!
Spidey: What’s that in miles?
FridayNext: A gazillion!
Matt: Well done!
FridayNext: Thank you!
Spidey: Did you stretch?
FridayNext: I biked home. I feel great. I have so much energy.
Matt: You need to stretch, sweetie.
FridayNext: But I feel fine!
Spidey: In a couple of hours you’ll hurt like hell.
FridayNext: Then I’ll think about stretching.
Matt: But it’ll be too late then. Do it now.
FridayNext: I’m too hungry. I’m gonna empty the fridge.
Spidey: Let time show you that we’re right.
FridayNext: By the way, one of the guys said hello to me. In a very nice way. I liked that. Fridge, here I come!
Matt: Who?
Spidey: He worked out on the skiing machine for fifteen minutes.
Matt: You saw him?
Spidey: Sure. I sat on the window and looked at her while she was rowing the hell out of whatever. And then he came in and used the skiing machine. I think he said hello to her after she came out of the changing room, on her way out of the gym.
Matt: How handsome was he?
Spidey: He’s not her type. He’s too old which means he’s at least close to thirty.
Matt: Phew, that’s a relief.
Spidey: But the trainer was young and limber. A bit like Ace.
Matt: Now you’re mocking me.
Spidey: Only a bit. Lucky for you she’s not into ravishing men with brown eyes.
Matt: I’m taking a shower.
Spidey: And my series is on.