The Last Evening of the Year

J-Man: My turntables! A, my turntables!
Ace: What?
J-Man: My turntables!
Ace: I can’t hear you. You have to come into the kitchen.
Spidey: *whispering to Ace* When he comes, I’ll web him and force him to help us with the dishes.
Ace: Deal!
J-Man: I’m too drunk to come into the kitchen.
Ace: Okay then.
J-Man: Hey! You can hear me!
Ace: Shoot!
Spidey: Has your IQ just dropped a zillion points?
Ace: It’s New Year’s Eve. I’m doing dishes. It’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re inches away from getting married. I’m not even CLOSE to being 30. Excuse me if I need to get hammered tonight.
Spidey: You have a way with words.
Ace: Thanks.
J-Man: My turntables. I should get my turntables!
Matt: Music?
J-Man: Real music. Records and pickups and … the works.
Ken: You won’t get a taxi now.
J-Man: I can take the metro.
Ken: You’re too drunk to go on your own.
Matt: Yeah. Spidey, take J-Man home, will ya?
Spidey: Is he so wasted already?
J-Man: My turntables!
Ken: It’s like a never ending conversation.
Matt: I know. I’ll go talk to Spidey.

Spidey: What?!
J-Man: It’s only four hundred steps.
Spidey: You’re kidding!
J-Man: It’ll do you good.
Spidey: Why don’t you have a lift?
J-Man: The building’s too old for that. It got character.
Spidey: You’re on your own. I’ll take the wall. See you upstairs.

Spidey: You have records EVERYWHERE!
J-Man: If you take that turntable… I can take the other one and a case of records.
Spidey: Do you ever listen to all these records?
J-Man: Perhaps we should take two cases of records…
Spidey: Do you have Nine Inch Nails?
J-Man: What?
Spidey: Nine Inch…
J-Man: Who?
Spidey: Never mind. It was a long shot anyway.
J-Man: Nine?
Spidey: Come on. We should be getting back before Matt shows the surprise.
J-Man: Oh! The surprise!

Ace: Need help with cords and records and stuff?
J-Man: Please. Don’t touch any of it, A.
Ace: Just wanted to help you.
J-Man: I can do it on my own.
Ace: You’re behaving like it’s Einsteinian work.
J-Man: No no. The turntables are expensive. That’s all.
Ace: It’s like your Mac. “No no, it’s mine, A. You can’t try it out.”
Matt: They argue?
Spidey: Lover’s tiff.
Ace: Will you quit that gay nonsense? We’re not gay, you know!
J-Man: No, we’re not gay. A, do that thing with your arm.
Ace: *moves his right arm up and down in the air between him and J-Man* Look, we’re not gay, alright.
J-Man: Okay. Now that’s settled. Anyway, you’ve been known to spill coffee into your keyboard and I won’t have it.
Silence
J-Man: What?!
Ken: Just hook up the turntables, J-Man, so we can hear some music.
Ace: I’ll go mix us some drinks. Beer, J?
J-Man: Sure!
Matt: By the way, Spidey...
Spidey: What?
Matt: Kissy kissy kissy.
Spidey: Oh, I forgot to call. I’ll do it now.
Ken: For once I’m glad nobody’s hitting on me!

Spidey: Hey.
FridayNext: *mumbles*
Spidey: What’s that?
FridayNext: Sorry. Was asleep.
Spidey: Now?
FridayNext: Ah ha.
Spidey: Oh.
Silence
Spidey: I can come home if you like?
FridayNext: Enjoy yourself. Beat whoever in flexi-trax.
Spidey: Promise. I’ll look after Matt.
FridayNext: Be safe. Both of you.
Spidey: Okay then.
FridayNext: ‘Kay.
Silence
Spidey: Kiss?
FridayNext: Ew!
Spidey: Ha ha!

Matt: SURPRISE!
J-Man: I knew it!
Ace: Hey…flexi-trax!
Ken: Is it like…Meccano?
Matt: No. Not at all.
Spidey: Mec…?
Ace: How OLD are you?
Ken: Hey, lose the attitude, drinks-boy.
J-Man: You got a new nickname!
Ace: Yeah. Not sure I like it, though.
Spidey: Clue me in. Mec-what?
Ken: Engineering and hours spent on the floor.
J-Man: Sordid.
Ken: Does everything have to be about sex?
J-Man: Who’s talking about sex?
Spidey: You would not last one day at our house, Ken.
Matt: He wouldn’t even make it to the kitchen!
Spidey: Or the living room.
Matt: Or…the infamous…BEDROOM!
Spidey: Still sends shivers down my spine.
Ace: What are you talking about?
Spidey: It’s not what. It’s who.
Ace: Your roommate? I gotta meet her.
J-Man: More music!
Ken: So it’s nothing like Meccano. What does it do?
Spidey: It’s a bit like a race track. But bendier, funnier and cooler. Just see the colours.
Ace: Can we assemble it?
J-Man: Who put that record in here?
Spidey: Oh…
Ace: Since only Spidey came along…
Matt: Since only a spider came along…
Ken: HA HA HA!
Spidey: Shut up!
J-Man: I love it! Listen to this! It’s a classic!
Ace: Please please please…
J-Man: Cliff Richard.
Ace: Noooooooo!
Ken: Are we sure that I’m the oldest here? J-Man, Cliff is the uncoolest!
J-Man: Take that back!
Matt: They are, aren’t they? At least for hit singles and squeezing the last drop of money out of the audience.
Ken: Never liked them.
Matt: Me neither.
J-Man: Good for dancing.
Ken: How often do you actually dance, J-Man? I bet you always stand behind the turntables.
Matt: And does his thang!
Spidey: Stop talking street. You’re too old for it, Matt.
Matt: Zorry!
Ace: What is this…blood?
Matt: Oh.
Ken: Blood?
J-Man: *screeching Cliff Richard to a halt* Blood?
Spidey: Oh, I couldn’t get it all off. Don’t worry. It’s dry.
Ace: Whose blood is it?
J-Man: Bloody tracks.
Spidey: HA HA HA!
Matt: Don’t think he was making a joke, Spidey.
Spidey: No?
J-Man: Wasn’t I? Dunno. Still a bit tipsy.
Ken: I could do with a beer myself. Beer you?
J-Man: Sure.
Matt: It was just an accident. She didn’t get hurt. Too much.
Ace: What kind of household do you live in?
Spidey: Look, drinks-boy. Just go make us all a batch of that disgusting cookie dough ice cream daiquiri drink and let the men assemble this. We’re not scared of some drops of blood. Matt, throw me some trax.
Matt: ‘Kay.

Matt: It’s my turn now!
Spidey: Don’t look at me. I’m not giving up my car for you.
Ace: How come you only have four cars?
Matt: Only? Normally there would only be one car, Ace.
J-Man: They’re calling you Ace again! Score.
Ace: But we’re five.
Matt: We’re three at home.
Spidey: Sometimes four.
Matt: Yeah, sometimes four.
Spidey: So we don’t need five cars normally.
Ken: Come on, I need to race somebody.
J-Man: Just for the record, Spidey cheats.
Spidey: No I don’t.
J-Man: Whenever you fall behind, you web our cars. We can’t do that to you.
Spidey: Eat my butt!
J-Man: Rather not.
Matt: Do you marathon, Ken?
Ken: Sometimes. Why?
Matt: Couldn’t help but notice your…
Ken: What?
Matt: Never mind.
Ken: You run?
Matt: Yeah. Not marathons but…yeah.
Spidey: Were you actually checking out his butt?
Matt: Who’s talking about butts except for you? I saw his legs, alright?
Ace: I’m not drunk enough for conversations like these.
Spidey: If you leave out the cookie dough and only pour rum in…
Ace: Kickin’ idea.
Spidey: Welcome.
J-Man: What time is it?
Ken: Five to.
Spidey: AAAHHH!
Matt: Stop being a girl. There’s enough time to open the champagne.
Spidey: Speaking of girls. Aren’t we supposed to kiss girls at midnight? Or the BoogieMan comes and makes the next year as crappy as possible?
Ace: Sounds like a homespun religious belief you got there.
Matt: You’re rambling.
Ken: Feel free to kiss everybody here except for me.
J-Man: What the hell?
Ace: Count me out!
Matt: I live with him! I don’t want to kiss him!
Spidey: Come on boys. I’m a catch. You all love my web.
Silence
Spidey: Right, forget I ever said that. Ken, crack the champagne?

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1

2008

Hands are shaken, manly hugs are exchanged, trax are stomped on and fireworks light up the sky.

Matt: Hey.
FridayNext: Hey.
Spidey: Hey.
FridayNext: Hey.
Matt: We’re home.
FridayNext: Yeah.
Spidey: Brought you this.
Matt: Kind of stole it.
FridayNext: It’s beautiful.
Spidey: Please take down the green wreath.
FridayNext: Will do.
Spidey: Love the flexi-trax.
FridayNext: I know.
Matt: Happy 2008.
FridayNext: Mmm.
Spidey: Kissy kissy.
FridayNext: Goaway!

New Year’s Dinner

Ace: Oh no!
J-Man: What?
Ace: Cooking! Food! The stove!
J-Man: Things in a kitchen?
Ace: It’s not a riddle. We have alcohol to last us a lifetime, but we have zilch to eat.
J-Man: Hey, chill. Listen to this…

J-Man puts on some music and in ten seconds Ace has cooled down and mellows about the office. That’s what Morcheeba does to you.

Ace: What’s the problem?
J-Man: No problem.
Ace: Niiiiice.
J-Man: Indeed. I think Ken will bring food.
Ace: Niiiiice.

The buzzer makes them jump and they look at each other as if to question who the heck rings the doorbell on New Year’s Eve. Then they remember the party.

Ken: Hey. What’s up?
Ace: Yo. Need a hand?
Ken: Sure.

He hands Ace two heavy bags and J-Man takes them both through to the kitchen. They unload the goodies and Ken goes on an inspection. He looks in all the cupboards and checks the stove. He seems to be engulfed in the task. J-Man and Ace watch him carefully in silence.

Ken: Okay, that’ll have to do. Have you ever cooked here?
Ace: No. Problem?
J-Man: What’s for dinner?
Ken: Beef. And no problem. Brought most of the stuff we need.
Ace: Most of it?
Ken: I need some veggies. Could one of you…
Ace: I’ll go. I know a veggie shop that’s still open.
J-Man: Look out.
Ace: Shut up!
J-Man: *giggles*
Ken: I don’t want to know.
J-Man: Need any help?
Ken: Well…

Matt: I’ll call you…
FridayNext: Right.
Spidey: I can call as well.
FridayNext: Leave.
Matt: Are you SURE…
FridayNext: I’m sorry.
Spidey: Don’t be sorry! Sorry sorry sorry!
Matt: The taxi’s here.
FridayNext: Right. See you.
Matt: Right.
Spidey: Right.
Silence
Matt: So…

Ace: It’s official: I’m still Mr Big Banana!
J-Man: Congratulations.
Ace: Don’t be smug!
Ken: What’s all this about?
J-Man: The veggie man.
Ace: He always calls me Mr Big Banana. It’s too Brokebacky for my taste.
J-Man: You buy a banana every morning on your way to work. Could be why he calls you that.
Ace: Shesh…
Ken: J-Man, you chop. Ace, you make us some drinks.
J-Man: Where did you learn how to cook?
Ken: Oh, you don’t want to know.
Ace: Now we do.
Ken: It’s in the past, really.
Ace: Tell us.
Ken: One word: Military.
J-Man: You’re a mili-man?
Ken: I’ve already said too much. Ace, how’s the drink coming along?
J-Man: Cool. You have a past.
Ken: Don’t we all?
Ace: That’s philosophical.
J-Man: Could have been you who’d said that.
Ken: Sorry, stealing your lines here?
Ace: Nah. Mr Big Banana can take it.

Spidey: HEY YOU GUYS! BUZZ US IN!
Ace: AAAAHHHHH!
J-Man: It’s so cool when he does that!
Ken: Ha ha, you’re hanging on the window!
Ace: It freaks me out every time!
Spidey: Open the window and let me in. Matt can take the stairs.
Matt: *yelling* Hey, I need help with the entertainment here!
Spidey: Wimp.
Matt: Shut up!
Spidey: Weakling.
Matt: I’m gonna kick your butt!
Spidey: You and what army?
J-Man: Ken?
Ken: Ssshhhh!
Spidey: Ken?
Ace: Ken’s got a past.
Matt: Hey, you’re looping me out!
Spidey: Apparently Ken has a past.
Matt: Oh Sherlock!
Spidey: No, it’s about an army, I think. Open the frickin’ window and let me in so I can hear more.
Ken: You realise that now I have to kill you all, right?
J-Man: Ha ha ha!
Ace: Ha ha ha!
Ken: *watching them in silence without facial expression*
J-Man & Ace in UniSon: Please laugh.
Ken: You’re too easily scared, boys!
J-Man & Ace in UniSon: Jesus!
Ken: *opens the window for Spidey and yells to Matt* Yo Matt. Ace comes down and helps you.
Matt: Great.

Ace: What is this?
Matt: Surprise.
Ace: A lot of surprise.
Matt: Hope your office is big enough for it.
Ace: What is it?
Matt: Patience.
Ace: You’re like a mean Father Christmas.
Matt: Thank you.
Ken: What the hell!
Matt: Surprise.
J-Man: What is it?
Ace: Patience.
J-Man: We all know that’s my middle name.
Ace: No it isn’t. I know for a fact that you have two middle names and Patience isn’t one of them.
Ken: What are they?
J-Man: Not telling.
Ken: Excuse me, Mr I’ve told everybody Ken is a former mili-man?
J-Man: Oh…
Spidey: Come on! We’ll just ask your InBox!
J-Man: What?
Matt: Nothing! Spidey’s rambling. It’s cold outside. Look what he’s wearing – tights and all.
Ace: And you’re orange.
Spidey: I know, okay! It wasn’t my choice. I came with this colour!
J-Man: What?
Matt: Sssshhhh!
Ken: Who’s the oldest here?
Matt: It’s either you or me.
Ken: Me, then. I decide that we cook, eat, drink and go for the entertainment. In that order.
Ace: But what’s in the bags?
Ken: Are we back to Patience?
J-Man: Hey, my middle…
Ace: I vote for drinks and beers stat.
Everybody in UniSon: Agreed!

Ken: This is awful!
Matt: Agree. Hit me again.
Ace: Hey, nice one. A bit sweet but all in all nice.
J-Man: Can I have another beer?
Ace: You gotta try the daiquiri with cookie dough.
J-Man: No. No I don’t. But you can beer me up.
Ken: Here you go, J-Man.
J-Man: Why do you all call me that?
Matt: What? Patience?
Spidey: Ha ha ha!
J-Man: My middle name…
Ace: How many beers have you had? You’re talking non stop.
J-Man: I know!
Ken: Hey, leave J-Man alone. Nobody’s counting tonight.
J-Man: Exactly. And you can call me J.
Ken: J-Man?
J-Man: I don’t get it. Why do you all insist on calling me…hey, is that a flexi…
Spidey: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Matt: Oh, I have to make a phone call.
Ace: Don’t keep us in the dark!
Matt: Just calling home.
Ace: Not you! J, what is it?
J-Man: And they call you Ace. When did you become so cool that you could be nicknamed Ace?
Ace: About the same time when you earned the J-Man nickname.
J-Man: I don’t get it.
Spidey: Because you’re drunk! Have another. Before we eat dinner.
Ken: Right, dinner! Somebody set the table!
Ace: The army brat has spoken.
Ken: Excuse me?
Ace: Nothing! Ssshhhh, J!
J-Man: This is great beer.

Matt: Hi.
FridayNext: Hello.
Matt: Okay?
FridayNext: Okay.
Matt: Want me to come home?
FridayNext: No.
Matt: Whatcha doing?
FridayNext: Getting ready for bed.
Matt: It’s not even 6 pm yet.
FridayNext: Sorry.
Matt: Hon, perhaps the medication…
FridayNext: Have fun, yeah? And kiss Spidey for me.
Matt: Really rather not.
FridayNext: Kiss.
Matt: Kiss.

Spidey: How is she?
Ace: Who? There’s a woman around?
J-Man: *giggles*
Ken: Not sure if that sounded scared or desperate, Ace.
Ace: Nothing scares me. I’m Mr Big Banana, remember?
Spidey: Oh my gawd! How well do you know Matt?
Matt: Shut up!
J-Man: For unknown reasons that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all night.
Ken: J-Man, you’re a bit tipsy. Let’s sit down for dinner.

The beef is tender. The wine is great. The conversation is…not at all intellectual.

Spidey: You’re full of it!
Ken: No I’m not!
Matt: I beg to differ!
J-Man: Shut up everybody.
Gasp of silence
J-Man: Sorry.
Ace: That was so cool! You should be drunk more often.
J-Man: Thank you!
Ken: The point is…I can beat the crap out of every single one of you. One hand tied to my back.
Spidey: You’re asking for it!

Spidey shoots out his strings and webs Ken. Big time. Everybody giggles, including Ken.

Ken: I love it!
Ace: Oh oh oh! Kinky stuff!
Spidey: Ewwww. Don’t abuse my web, man.
J-Man: What?
Spidey: What?
J-Man: Yes?
Spidey: What are you on about?
J-Man: Weren’t you talking to me?
Spidey: Ace, keep the beers away from J-Man.
J-Man: Hey, are you talking to me?
Matt: *giggles* And how do you like them green apples?
Ken: How come I’m not plastered at all?
Ace: You’re the adult one. We’re just kids.
Ken: Oh.
Matt: This is great beef, Ken.
Ken: Thanks.
Ace: Yeah. It’s great. So much better than poultry.
Spidey: Wait, Ace is not making any sense.
J-Man: He is to me.
Spidey: Aaaaah, you wanna maaaaarrrrrryyyyyyy him? Kissy kissy kissy!
J-Man: Perhaps I do. Kissy kissy kissy.
Ace: You’re def too drunk, J! Stop it before I hurt you.
J-Man: Right. Sorry. Office romance just sucks. It begins in a nice way and it just goes downhill.
Ace: Ken, sober him up!
Spidey: Oh J-Man. Oh Ace. Oh crap! Matt, I forgot to call.
Matt: Did it already.
Ace: Call who?
Ken: Look, I’m as stuffed as I can be. I vote for Spidey and Ace to do the dishes.
Ace & Spidey in UniSon: Unfair!
Ken: Three against two. The majority has spoken. Let’s break for dishes and siesta.
Spidey: Hey, conga lines, Matt.
Matt: HA HA HA!
Ace: What?
Spidey & Matt in UniSon: Oh sorry. Just…it’s all about the colour green.
J-Man: And the room is spinning a bit so I’ll just…for a while…

Preparations for New Year's Eve

FridayNext: You need to go someplace else on New Year’s Eve.
Matt: What?
FridayNext: I’m sorry.
Matt: You don’t want us here?
Spidey: You’re kidding?
FridayNext: I’m sorry.
Matt: You’re throwing us out?
FridayNext: No. Not at all. But I can’t be with somebody on New Year’s Eve.
Spidey: You’re not making any sense.
Matt: Look, we’re sorry about Christmas.
FridayNext: Christmas was fine. It’s me. Not you. Please.
Spidey: Are you sure that you want to spend the evening on your own? Everybody will be partying and having a good time.
FridayNext: Will they?
Matt: I want to spend the evening here. At home.
FridayNext: It won’t work. I get so depressed that evening.
Spidey: So you’ve been a happy camper these past couple of days?
Matt: Spidey! Hon, it’s just a big surprise that you want to be on your own.
FridayNext: I’m sorry.
Spidey: You’re sorry a lot lately.

Spidey: I don’t understand.
Matt: Don’t look at me.
Spidey: Is she angry with us?
Matt: Don’t think so. She wouldn’t keep us in the dark if we’ve done something to make her mad.
Spidey: What should we do now?
Matt: Perhaps J-Man and Ace…
Spidey: And Ken!
Matt: We could bring our flexi-trax!
Spidey: They would love that!

MattCellPhone: Yo Ken. Have you eaten your way through the holiday?
KenCellPhone: Hey, great to hear from you. Been working.
MattCellPhone: New Year’s Eve?
KenCellPhone: Oh. Some lame party somewhere, I think.
MattCellPhone: Been kicked out. Wanna hang out?
KenCellPhone: Saw her the other day. Bought four loaves of bread.
MattCellPhone: She’d hit her head. She’s not been herself lately.
KenCellPhone: She’s still green, though.
SpideyCellPhone: Big time
KenCellPhone: Hey! Web me!
SpideyCellPhone: Will do next time we meet up.
KenCellPhone: Okay with New Year’s Eve.
MattCellPhone: Will ask J-Man and Ace.
KenCellPhone: Great! Loop me in.

Ace: I will never eat fowl again!
J-Man: You say that every year.
Ace: I mean it this time.
J-Man: We had pork roast.
Ace: Just what you like.
J-Man: I like pork. I do.
Ace: Get any presents?
J-Man: Plenty.
Ace: Yeah. Me too. Great family tradition.
J-Man: Oh!
Ace: What?
J-Man: My cell is on vibrate.
Ace: Kinky.
J-Man: I know.
J-ManCellPhone: Hello?
SpideyCellPhone: Guess who!
J-ManCellPhone: HEY!
Ace: Who is it?
J-Man: Spidey.
Ace: Yo Spidey!
SpideyCellPhone: Yo yo, Ace!
J-ManCellPhone: What’s up?
SpideyCellPhone: New Year’s Eve?
J-ManCellPhone: Dunno. Just come back from Christmas celebrations.
Ace: What?
J-Man: New Year’s Eve.
Ace: We’re on!
J-ManCellPhone: Apparently we’re on. What do you have in mind?

Matt: We have to dismantle it.
Spidey: But it took us hours to assemble it!
Matt: You can’t transport it like this!
Spidey: Oh alright! I know that! You dismantle from the kitchen, I take the living room.
FridayNext: Taking it with you?
Matt: Yeah. Mind?
FridayNext: Nope.
Matt: Sure you wanna be alone?
FridayNext: Hon, it’ll be okay.
Spidey: Oh!
Matt: What?
Spidey: We only have four cars.
Matt: Damn!
FridayNext: How many cars do you need?
Spidey: Five?
FridayNext: I thought four were enough. Sorry.
Matt: Not your fault.
Spidey: And now you’re sorry again. It’s too weird.

J-Man: Hey!
Ken: Hey. Long time no see.
J-Man: Home for Christmas.
Ken: Working.
J-Man: Did that last year.
Ken: Where’s Ace?
J-Man: Something about a blog and keeping it up to date. Help?
Ken: Sure. What do you need?
J-Man: Well…everything really.
Ken: Okay. Only the gang?
J-Man: Yup. Spidey said they’d bring entertainment.
Ken: Oh…
J-Man: Nasty twitch you got there.
Ken: I know. Well, how bad can it be?
J-Man: They said it was something they got for Christmas.
Ken: Oooooh. I’m relieved now. I thought…
J-Man: What?
Ken: Just thought they’d bring their roommate.
J-Man: They have a roommate?
Ken: And an exceptionally one.
J-Man: Didn’t know they have a roommate.
Ken: One day I’m sure you’ll meet her.
J-Man: And it’s a woman?
Ken: Well…

Ace: Drinks and drinks and drinks.
J-Man: Cookie dough ice cream?
Ace: It’s an experiment. Want to try it out in a strawberry daiquiri.
J-Man: Yuk.
Ace: Look what Ken sent over…
J-Man: Beer!
Ace: Lots of it.
J-Man: Beer!
Ace: He knows you too well.
J-Man: I like beer.
Ace: That you do.

Spidey: It’s too heavy!
Matt: Or you should have been working out. Look at your arms – they’re thin and muscle-less.
Spidey: You weigh me down already! I can’t have the bags of flexi-trax on haul as well. You’re a big man.
Matt: Well, thank ya! Please don’t share that with the gang.
Spidey: Shut up, big banana.
Matt: Hey, another thing you shouldn’t tell the gang.
Spidey: Call a taxi.
Matt: Do you know how much it’ll cost all the way over to their office?
Spidey: Why are we going to their office?
Matt: Only place big enough for our track.
Spidey: We live in a big flat.
Matt: We do.

In Between Days

It’s rush hour in every supermarket. It has been for a couple of days now. I’ve stayed in; the boys have been forced to go shopping if we needed anything. I hate this time of year. To keep my monster size depression company, it’s raining heavily today. I had planned to take my bike for a stroll. I didn’t bother yesterday. Yesterday I stayed in bed almost the entire day. My back hurts. My hips hurt. I need to get out of the flat today.

Spidey: You suck!
Matt: Shut up!
Spidey: I’m gonna win again. Why bother?
Matt: You can’t win all the time!
Spidey: Stop whining.

The boys went over the moon when they got their Christmas present. They’ve been arguing about it since. I’m not sure if the present was such a good idea. But at least they seem to enjoy themselves despite the occasional fall out and frumpy attitudes.

FLASHBACK
After dinner we exchange presents. The boys are not as eager to exchange presents as I had assumed they would be. I decide to give Uni her present first.

Spidey: Just remember, it’s not the gift itself – it’s the thought that counts.
Matt: Yeah, so no matter what’s inside, it’s all about the time that was spent on it. Thinking of you.
FridayNext: What the hell are you talking about? Open it, Uni!
UniCorn: Alright alright alright!
Spidey: You shouldn’t ruin the gift wrap. It’s beautiful.
Matt: Perhaps if you unwrap it slowly, we can recycle it next year.
FridayNext & UniCorn in UniSon: *look at them in disbelief*
UniCorn: Is this a gag gift?
Spidey: Uhm…
FridayNext: No it isn’t. Shut up, Spidey.
UniCorn: Okay, I’ll go for the mayhem version of unwrapping…

And she does. Bows and ribbons are found everywhere in the flat afterwards, and tonnes of creased and torn wrapped paper. Then the present appears, and I look at her very closely. This is the most special gift I’ve ever given and I’m not sure if she’ll like it. The boys sigh – I’m not sure why. She looks at it, takes it in her hand and then she stares at me – and I go all gooey and am convinced that this is surely the worst present ever – and then she goes whee and screams and laughs and giggles.

Matt: What?
Spidey: Don’t tell us that you’re actually happy to get a homemade present?
UniCorn: Oh Fri! It’s brilliant! I love it. I love it!
FridayNext: Oh? It’s nothing…
Spidey: Damn right!
FridayNext: Really nothing. It didn’t take long to make…
Matt: Self-explanatory.
UniCorn: Shut up! I love it! It’s not for you and since you’re so cruel to Fri, you can go and make us all some drinks.
FridayNext: So you like it?
UniCorn: I love it! You wrote my thesis!
FridayNext: Yeah. Well, perhaps you shouldn’t hand it in…
UniCorn: Five pages of hilarity. And honey, I’ve seen what you put on pages 3 and 4.
FridayNext: I just thought you could do with some eye candy.
UniCorn: Woof indeed!

PRESENT
Today I will force nature and go out. The best thing during Christmas was when I cleaned my bike, on my own, without any help. Before that I fed the ducks at the nearby pond. I knew already that I was headed for Depressionville so I wanted to cram as much fun into the days before darkness came a-knocking.

I’ve taken a shower, done the dishes from Christmas and even put on some clothes. No jim-jams today, real “get-out-of-the-flat” clothes. It takes all my energy to focus on going out. Where should I go, will it rain too heavily for me to take the bike – or even worse: will the wind knock me over no matter whether I take my bike or decide to walk?

Matt: NOOOOO!
Spidey: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

I look down and see that I’ve stomped into their track and have accidentally ruined part of it. Shit, they are not looking too happy about this.

FLASHBACK
I have to beg the boys to open my present. I don’t understand why they are not keen on seeing what I’ve bought them. They’re usually unstoppable when I bring them stuff from the supermarket. But tonight they are in no hurry to open the present. It’s a big one and I’ve told them that they must share it. They didn’t mind. It’s not at all what I expected. I thought they would argue whose present it was and one of them would get webbed big time. But they get along just fine.

UniCorn: Come on! Take the damn paper off so we can see what it is!

Patient as ever, Uni tries to coax the boys, but they are relentless. They take forever to unwrap the gift and it gets to me that perhaps they have found out about the present and it’s not what they have been wanting at all. This is surely a case of cold feet if ever there was one.

Matt: Final piece of paper.
Spidey: Yeah. Ready?
Matt: No. I mean, okay.

They remove the paper and see the box. They look at each other, then at the box. Then they look at me, then they look at each other.

UniCorn: What the freaking hell is wrong with you guys?

Always one for breaking the ice, Uni crawls down on the floor and looks at the box. She giggles and starts to open the box.

Spidey: Goaway!
Matt: You already got your present. Goaway!

And suddenly they turn into the boys again and rip open the box and believe it or not, they scream and giggle even more than Uni and I do at times.

Matt: My god!
Spidey: Exactly!
Matt: How many cars?
Spidey: FOUR!
Matt: FOUR?
Spidey: Goddammit!
Matt: Will it go all the way to the kitchen?
FridayNext: Yes it will and back again. It’ll be a long freaking track.
Spidey: Alright!
Matt: The best ever!

It took out a huge chunk of my pay check but it’s been worth it to see them happy.

PRESENT
And now I’ve put my foot in it and they are not at all happy.

FridayNext: I’m sorry.
Spidey: Move your foot!
FridayNext: I’m so sorry!
Spidey: Look, move! You’re just standing there!
FridayNext: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!
Matt: Lift your foot, hon.
FridayNext: Sorry!

Matt lifts my foot and I lose my balance and keel over, fortunately into the wall and not onto the track so I limit the damages. My head hurts, though.

Spidey: Ouch.
Matt: Hon, how many fingers?
FridayNext: Four hands and a thumb.
Spidey: Well, she sounds alright.
FridayNext: I need to get out.
Matt: I think you should stay in. That was a pretty hard knock.
FridayNext: I’ll get my coat. What is this?
Spidey: Oh god, you’re bleeding on the track now! Move!
Matt: We should go and have that checked, sweetie.
FridayNext: I’m alright. I’ll just put on a band aid. I need to get out of the flat today.

Christmas with Friends

The kitchen is hot from cooking and FridayNext is giddy with anticipation. For weeks she’s been looking forward to this particular day. The Christmas Dinner – with friends only. UniCorn and ChessBoy are invited and in an hour UniCorn is supposed to swing by to help with some of the preparations.

The fridge is stuffed with goodies and beverages. So much so that even Spidey has given up snacking his way through all the represented food groups. He’s simply given up and hangs out in the living room with Matt. They’re slumbering in the recliner and sofa – channel surfing and listening to the humming from the kitchen.

FridayNext: This is Halloween, this is Halloween, Halloween, HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN!
Spidey: She’s got the season wrong.
Matt: Haven’t you noticed?
Spidey: Probably but guide me just in case.
Matt: It’s the only Christmassy music she has.
Spidey: A Halloween song?
Matt: The Nightmare before Christmas. The soundtrack.
Spidey: And still no tree.
Matt: *sighs* But it could be worse.
Spidey: How?
Matt: Homemade presents.
Spidey: Aaaooouugggghhhh. Don’t remind me!
FridayNext: The best is yet to come! Ding ding ding!
Spidey: What the hell was that?
Matt: Another version of Michael Bublé. A version the world should never hear.
Spidey: We really are blessed with a very special friend in the kitchen.
Matt: By now she’ll be congaing all on her own in front of the stove.
Spidey: Sight for sore eyes – but at least the runs has stopped.

A litre of buttermilk should do it. Add flour… The boys have never tasted apple dumplings. Well, not the kind that FridayNext makes. Without apples but sugar and marmalade. She doubles the recipe just to be sure there’s plenty to eat. Grog is simmering on the stove as well spiced heavily with rum.

FridayNext: CALL ME IRRESPONSIBLE! A DING DING DING! The froggy song. And now for the congas. Hello everybody, I’m doctor Nick. Hello doctor Nick. Ring-a-ding-ding. And Ich bin ein Muppet Puppet. Drum solo! Go ahead and call me irresponsible...
Spidey: Wouldn’t it be great if she came with a volume control?
Matt: At least she’s not been drinking cola for a week so she’s not as manic as usual.
Spidey: Could have fooled me.
FridayNext: Oh no! Don’t go black on me! Abort mission!

Then the doorbell goes off and both boys stretch and stand up getting ready for UniCorn’s entry.
FridayNext: It’s you! Oh honey!
UniCorn: It’s you! I’m here!
FridayNext: Aaahhhhh!
UniCorn: Aaaahhhh!

Then they hug as if they haven’t seen each other for at least two days. FridayNext whees, claps her hands at supersonic speed and giggles. The boys come into the hallway and greet UniCorn, slightly less manic but still with warmth and love.

Matt: Hey Uni! Merry Christmas!
UniCorn: Oh Matt! Hug!
Spidey: Yo Uni. Merry Chr…
UniCorn: Oh Spidey!
And then she takes him by surprise and engulfs him in a big octopus hug and he goes quiet and shy. Matt nudges him when Uni lets go.
FridayNext: Come into the kitchen with me!
UniCorn: Sure thing, honey!

The afternoon wanders off with giggles and gossip and secrets in the kitchen. The dumplings are ready, the grog is hot and spicy and the boys have been asked to set the table. However, no ChessBoy in sight.

UniCorn: Why hasn’t he come yet?
FridayNext: *giggles*
UniCorn: Get your mind out of the gutter! I’m gonna call him...
UniCorn: Honey, what’s up?
UniCorn: What?
UniCorn: Now?!
UniCorn: But…
UniCorn: You’re kidding!
UniCorn: It’s not okay!
UniCorn: You’re supposed to be here!
UniCorn: But I’ll miss you.
UniCorn: I know it’s a big chance…
UniCorn: It’s not fair, sweetie.
UniCorn: But today? Of all days? TODAY?
UniCorn: Okay then. I love you.
UniCorn: Good luck.
UniCorn: See you tonight.
UniCorn: Bye.
FridayNext: What?
UniCorn: Chess fucking Championship fucking thing!
FridayNext: Now?
UniCorn: I need some grog.

FridayNext leaves her alone in the kitchen and sneaks into the boys. She explains in shorthand and asks them for their help. Matt goes into the kitchen and two minutes later he returns with a quiet UniCorn. Spidey scoots over in the sofa and Matt sits her next to Spidey and then sits down next to her. They both put their arms around her shoulders and accidentally touch each other.

Spidey: Ah!
Matt: Oh!
FridayNext: God, boys!
UniCorn: It’s so unfair!
FridayNext: But what is going on?
UniCorn: He’s been asked to participate in a chess competition. Tonight. Can you freakin’ believe it?!
Matt: World championship, Fri.
FridayNext: Oh my gawd, that’s so cool!
UniCorn: *sends FN a murderous glance*
FridayNext: I’m sorry, honey. But it is. It’s a major chance for him.
Spidey: Hey, we’re not going anywhere.
Matt: Nope. We’re staying put all night and we have tonnes of food that you have to help us devour.
FridayNext: And me! I’m here as well!
Spidey: Yeah…
Matt: Oh god yeah…
FridayNext: Oi boys!
Spidey: Just kidding!
Matt: Sweetling.
UniCorn: But I miss him!
Spidey: Look, give the man some space. If he wins, he’ll be world champion and how cool will that be? Let’s face it, he’s not exactly the coolest dude on the face of the earth when it comes to hobbies so this could boost him and send him to Matt’s and my level. See what I mean?
UniCorn: Indeed. In a very insulting and clear way.
Spidey: Just the way it was supposed to be.

Spidey leans over and kisses her on her temple and Matt repeats the gesture from his side and then UniCorn goes all red in her face. Such a beautiful colour that matches her long red hair. FridayNext sits in front of UniCorn on the footstool and sees that UniCorn may be a bit under the weather at the moment but she’ll soon feel better now that the boys have pampered her a bit.

FridayNext: And now for the first part of the feast. Apple dumplings. Are you ready?

They sit down at the dining room table and Matt makes sure that everybody has grog in their glasses all the time. After half an hour UniCorn mellows a bit and ChessBoy is forgiven.

FridayNext: Honey, how do you like them green apples?
Matt: *gawking at FN* I love you!
FridayNext: Score to me! Kissy kissy kissy.
Spidey: What the hell is wrong with you?
Matt: I don’t know. It must be the baileys. How many litres has she added?
Spidey: Apparently none because the rest of us haven’t lost our marbles, dude.

To be continued shortly…

Flashback: One Week Before Christmas

For once the guys are in the office bright and early. Today is going to be a very special day. They are ready for their biggest print job evarh.

Ace: Are you ready?
J-Man: As ready as I’ll ever be.
Ace: Big job today.
J-Man: Yeah.
Ace: Would you like to push the button?
J-Man: Sure.

Spidey and Matt have left FridayNext on her own. She has no idea where they have gone, but the flat seems awfully empty. She has to hear her best friend’s voice.

FridayNext: Are you home today?
UniCorn: Howdy, what’s up?
FridayNext: I’m lonely.
UniCorn: Oh honey.
FridayNext: I mean it!
UniCorn: What do you want me to do about it?
FridayNext: I want to go somewhere.
UniCorn: Where do you want to go?
FridayNext: Ummmm…
UniCorn: Oh.
FridayNext: Oh?
UniCorn: Or was I wrong?
FridayNext: No?
UniCorn: So…should we go?
FridayNext: Love to.
UniCorn: And Chinese afterwards?
FridayNext: Oh honey!

J-Man: It won’t start!
Ace: Sure?
J-Man: I’ve tried several times.
Ace: Let me…
J-Man: Be my guest.
Ace: No…it won’t accept the command.
J-Man: *slightly sarcastic* Oh no?
Ace: We really need those Christmas cards today.
J-Man: I know.
Ace: Otherwise people won’t receive them before Christmas.
J-Man: I know! You know…
Ace: NO!
J-Man: But you know…
Ace: NO!
J-Man: Since we already have the prints…
Ace: NO!
J-Man: We just need to cut and assemble…
Ace: NO!
J-Man: You know I’m right!
Ace: Never!
J-Man: What else should we do?
Ace: We can’t!
J-Man: Sure we can!
Ace: God.
J-Man: I’ll get the prints.
Ace: Shit.

UniCorn: Are you ready? We’re here. Brace yourself.
FridayNext: You go in first!
UniCorn: You’re such a chicken!
FridayNext: Gook goook…
UniCorn: Shut up!
FridayNext: I’m a bit scared.
UniCorn: Don’t be. I’m right here.
FridayNext: Oh honey!
UniCorn: I know. Oh my gawd! That’s a big one alright!
FridayNext: AAAHHHH! I’m scared, I wanna go home!
UniCorn: Over here…these are not as humongous. These should fit you just fine.
FridayNext: Ewwwww!
UniCorn: Ewwww indeed but in a very good way. Honey!
FridayNext: Oh, look at all the colours. Leopard, pink, purple – and black. How fast can they go?
UniCorn: Depends on the model. I think you should try one of these – they are really fast. You like things fast, right?
FridayNext: Not always! But…yeah. Kind of. Can we test drive it?
UniCorn: Ewwwww!
FridayNext: Not like that! Just to see how it wriggles and moves.
UniCorn: *turns on the device and it writhes inside the box* Look, this looks nice.
FridayNext: Too slow.
UniCorn: How about now?
FridayNext: Oh my gawd, it’s almost like an earthquake! I want it!
UniCorn: Should it be waterproof?
FridayNext: I haven’t planned on taking it to the beach.
UniCorn: Think showers, silly.
FridayNext: Oh… Sure, it should be waterproof then.
UniCorn: Which colour?

They have put two desks together to have room enough for the alternative Christmas card project. J-Man has put on some music and enjoys himself with cutting out the template. He has a serene look on his face.

Ace: Goddammit!
J-Man: What?
Ace: Damn the template!
J-Man: What’s wrong?
Ace: Nothing.
J-Man: You like the music?
Ace: Not again!
J-Man: What’s up?
Ace: Not the wings again!
J-Man: You’ve lost me.
Ace: The wings! The freaking wings!
J-Man: Okay…
Ace: Something’s wrong with my scissors.
J-Man: Right.
Ace: You know…
J-Man: What?
Ace: I’m not good at this.
J-Man: No? Give it to me. I’ll do it.

UniCorn: I got one and you got one. Need anything else?
FridayNext: No?
UniCorn: Are you sure?
FridayNext: Yes?
UniCorn: You want one more?
FridayNext: Well…
UniCorn: Or we can come back.
FridayNext: I want one more. A bigger one!
UniCorn: How about this…
FridayNext: That one! I want that one! It’s pink and big and sounds funny when I turn it on!
UniCorn: Are you sure?
FridayNext: It feels nice.
UniCorn: Ewwww!
FridayNext: Feel it.
UniCorn: Oh nice!
FridayNext: Right! And it’s waterproof.
UniCorn: Are we set then?
FridayNext: Yup honey.
TattooedShopKeeper: You want batteries with that?
UniCorn & FridayNext in UniSon: No.
TattoedShopKeeper: Are you paying together?
UniCorn & FridayNext in UniSon: Separately!

Ace: There’s glue everywhere!
J-Man: Really?
Ace: Great, now I’m glued to the desk.
J-Man: What are you doing?
Ace: Gluing the freaking thing together and it’s not working!
J-Man: It’s working fine for me.
Ace: Not the wings again!
J-Man: This will be the best Christmas greeting ever.
Ace: I’m not sure about that. We need to make 100 and I’ve only done 2. And one is without wings.
J-Man: It’s seldom that you suck at something.
Ace: Don’t remind me. I hate this!
J-Man: I’ve done 50 so far.
Ace: Rub it in, will ya!
J-Man: I just meant that I can do some of yours.
Ace: Oh. Nice!
J-Man: You’re welcome.

FridayNext: I’m hungry for Chinese.
UniCorn: Do you have room for both of them?
FridayNext: They’re in my handbag. Do they show?
UniCorn: Nope.
FridayNext: Good. That would have been embarrassing.
UniCorn: And why did he ask if we wanted to pay together?
FridayNext: Freak.
UniCorn: Yeah…
FridayNext: I have all kinds of batteries at home so I should be set for the night.
UniCorn: Ewww. Don’t want to know.
FridayNext: And I’ll test the smallest one first.
UniCorn: Shut up!
FridayNext: Oh come on. You’re dying to know.
UniCorn: Do you have a table for two, please?
FridayNext: Saved by a waiter.
UniCorn: Indeed. I need a bathroom.
FridayNext: Just leave your handbag here with me. I’ll look after it. I just have to take off my jacket.
UniCorn: Alrighty.

UniCorn puts her bag on the table and turns away to head for the bathroom. She doesn’t see that the bag is open and its strap is intertwined in her coat’s belt so when she moves away from the table, the bag falls to the floor. Unfortunately she doesn’t notice, but FridayNext does. The purchase rolls out of the handbag – and now the full restaurant and the waiters all see the purple personal friend that requires batteries for fun times. It’s lying there in the open, on the floor. Suddenly no sound is heard. People are staring at FridayNext. She knows that UniCorn will scold her if she leaves without it because it was an expensive playmate. So she swallows her pride, grabs her and UniCorn’s bags and scoops up the device before she runs to the bathroom.

FridayNext: Uni? UNI!
UniCorn: I’m a bit busy right now.
FridayNext: We’re leaving. Now! NOW! NOW!
UniCorn: *opens the door and sees FridayNext holding the playmate in her hand* Oh!
FridayNext: Let’s go for takeaway instead.

Wednesday morning. FridayNext is more tired than usual... The mail arrives. She receives a small brown box. No sender. She rips open the box in curiosity. Inside she is met with a huge amount of cotton, enough to last a lifetime. She delicately digs away some of it and then it appears from out of nowhere. The red robot boxy man with wings. Stuffed with cotton. She looks at it and then removes the cotton. This is by far the spaciest and weirdest Christmas greeting she’s ever received. She’s at a loss for words and picks up her cell and takes two pics that she sends to UniCorn.

FridayNextCellPhone: Honey, you’re not gonna believe this – is this kitsch or great or just plain weird? Don’t know why but I like it.

Pre-Christmas Jitters

FridayNext sits at the dining table in the living room. Matt and Spidey are in the kitchen preparing for another pre-Christmas-mayhem day. They know that they must tread lightly. FridayNext is still under the weather and a bit mood-swing-y.

Spidey dares to tiptoe to the living room door and sneak a peak inside. FridayNext is occupied with a big project on the table. He can barely make sense of what she’s doing.

FridayNext: Ha ha, this will be so cool! She’ll love it. And if not, I’ll kick her!

He backs away and returns to the kitchen where Matt is making a long list for the last emergency Christmas shopping goodies.

Spidey: How broke are we exactly?
Matt: Are we broke?
Spidey: It looks like it.
Matt: What do you mean?
Spidey: Fri is making the presents this year.
Matt: Ha ha! Good one.
Spidey: I’m not joking.
Matt: What?
Spidey: I feel so sorry for Uni because it looks like a disaster whatever it is Fri has concocted for her. I don’t want a gift like that.
Matt: She’s making the gifts? From scratch?
Spidey: Well, there’s glue and paper all over the table and she sounds like she’s been sniffing the glue for hours.
Matt: I don’t want a home-made present.
Spidey: Neither do I!
Matt: I didn’t think we’re broke. She hasn’t talked about money since she lost the forty quid.
Spidey: No and that was some time ago.
Matt: But she came back from the bike shop earlier today and she said that she had decided against having it fixed.
Spidey: Why?
Matt: Something about it wasn’t that bad…I didn’t really pay attention to it. She talks a lot about her bike so I sometimes tune out.
Spidey: It made a lot of noise. Wasn’t that why she took it to the shop in the first place?
Matt: Yeah, and it did. But now it isn’t that loud, she says.
Spidey: What the hell is going on?
Matt: I’ll call Uni. She’s bound to know something.

MattCellPhone: Hi Uni. It’s Matt.
UniCellPhone: *mumbles*
MattCellPhone: Sorry?
UniCellPhone: *mumbles*
MattCellPhone: I can’t make sense of what you’re saying.
UniCellPhone: *mumbles*

And then she hangs up. Matt looks miffed at Spidey and shakes his head.

Matt: What the hell was all that about?
UniTextMessage: Hi Matt. Sorry, but I can’t speak. What’s up?
MattTextMessage: Is this a bad time?
UniTextMessage: No, it’s just that I can’t speak well.
MattTextMessage: You’re not making any sense.
UniTextMessage: Long story. My jaws hurt. Seriously.

Matt: Uni has gone bonkers too.
Spidey: Just what we needed.

MattTextMessage: You’re ill?
UniTextMessage: Yup. A bit.
MattTextMessage: So sorry to hear that. Hope you get better in time for our Christmas dinner!
UniTextMessage: I will!
MattTextMessage: Talked to Fri lately?
UniTextMessage: I’ve facebooked her a zillion times but she hasn’t replied. What’s up with her?
MattTextMessage: She’s still not a-okay…
SpideyTextMessage: But when is she ever!
MattTextMessage: Just wondering if she’s mentioned anything about her…financial circumstances.
UniTextMessage: Nope. She always insists on paying for everything and it drives me nuts!
MattTextMessage: Well… Okay then.
UniTextMessage: My cookies. My biscuits! Goddammit!
MattTextMessage: Talk to you soon!
UniTextMessage: Okay, will salvage what I can. Stupid oven! Bye.
MattTextMessage: Bye Uni.

Spidey: A bit freaky – very unlike her.
Matt: It’s that time of year. It must be.
Spidey: We don’t even have a tree.
Matt: No.
Spidey: And it’s not likely it’ll snow either.
Matt: No.
Spidey: I’m depressed now.
Matt: Yeah.
FridayNext: Hey guys. Have you finished the grocery list yet? I can go to the supermarket if you like.

FridayNext walks to the supermarket. She still feels queasy so she decides against taking the bike. She listens to music from her MP3 player and thinks about the presents she’s bought this year. It’s going to be a great Christmas. She’ll surprise the boys big time. They’ll ooh and aah no end and they’ll forgive her for all the kooky-ness she’s put them through the past couple of months. She’s sure of that.

The supermarket is crowded with people that can’t make up their minds. She follows the list to the point, slaloms between people and finishes in record time. There are three queues and she picks one at random. Suddenly a bolt of hot iron overpowers her stomach and she nearly keels over from the pain. She loses her footing, she loses her breath. Her mouth is dry from anxiety. Then it’s her turn and he is only an arm’s length away from her. She gawks for five seconds, then she comes to and focuses on her groceries. She looks at the customer in front of her finish his business while Ken waits for the cash register to finish the purchase. He looks up and casts a glance at the customer, then he lets his eyes wander, past the customer, out the windows and then at FridayNext who has been sneaking peaks at him and for a nanosecond their eyes meet. He doesn’t look abhorred or frightened. He quickly looks away, gets back to the register.

She hurries home, throws the groceries at Spidey who is making inventory of the fridge’s contents. Matt is about to go for a run and she nearly spins him around when she zooms by him to get her cell phone in the living room.

FridayNext: Uni? Uni! Oh Uni!
UniCorn: *mumbles*
FridayNext: Are you sick?
UniCorn: *mumbles*
FridayNext: Poor you. Fortunately you don’t have to say anything, just listen to me. I’ve just come back from the supermarket…

KenTextMessage: Hey.
MattTextMessage: Yo.
KenTextMessage: The Green Sheep?
MattTextMessage: Yup.
KenTextMessage: Gotcha.
SpideyTextMessage: Don’t loop me out!
KenTextMessage: Sorry. Catch up soon.
MattTextMessage: Bar hopping when J-Man’s ok.
KenTextMessage: Deal.
SpideyTextMessage: Deal.

Everybody to the Rescue: J-Man's Ill

FridayNext: Must...must...must....
UniCorn: What are you on about?
FridayNext: I must get out of bed…
UniCorn: Stay put!
FridayNext: No, I need to get out of bed.
UniCorn: You’re too ill to get out of bed. Stay!
FridayNext: But I must make chicken soup!
UniCorn: Why?
FridayNext: Hang on…

FridayNext runs to the bathroom and vomits into the toilet bowl. Spidey silently closes the door to the living room. UniCorn sends him thumbs up and he nods. FridayNext comes out of the bathroom, greasy hair and wobbly legs. She looks beyond awful.

UniCorn: Go back to bed!
FridayNext: I checked my emails.
UniCorn: Go back to bed – I won’t tell you again!
FridayNext: J-Man has a sore throat. He needs chicken soup. I must make him some chicken soup!
UniCorn: Look at you. You look…appalling. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but you look disgusting. You need to take a shower. Look at your hair!
FridayNext: I’m ill! What did you expect?
UniCorn: You know, since that medication you’ve been ill an awful lot. For somebody who’s never ill, you’re ill often now.
FridayNext: Move. I need my duvet to cook the chicken soup.
UniCorn: Isn’t that something? I mean, you’ve lost a lot of weight…
FridayNext: I know I’m still fat!
UniCorn: …and since you’ve lost all that weight, you’re ill more often than ever.
FridayNext: You’re blocking the kitchen door. Let me through.
UniCorn: I’m just saying, it’s interesting.
FridayNext: Yeah, very. Now, I need a chicken.
UniCorn: Perhaps you should speak to your GP about it.
FridayNext: Look, I need a chicken so you either go and get me a chicken in the supermarket or ask Spidey to do it. Before I faint.
UniCorn: You’re not listening!
FridayNext: I need to sit down. I can’t believe he’s ill. Poor J-Man. It’s awful to have a sore throat.
UniCorn: Whereas it’s a hoot to vomit and have the runs for the umpteenth time in two months.
FridayNext: *sits down with her duvet on one of the chairs in the kitchen* Did you get the chicken?
UniCorn: I haven’t left yet!

UniCorn finds Spidey in the living room. He sits on the sofa and watches another episode of his soap. Matt sits in the recliner reading a book.

Matt: What’s she up to now?
UniCorn: It’s because she’s ill.
Matt: No, it’s not.
Spidey: What does she need now?
UniCorn: A chicken.
Matt & Spidey in UniSon: A chicken?
UniCorn: Don’t ask…
Matt: Let me guess…
Spidey: And let me help you…
Matt: J-Man is ill…
Spidey: And he needs chicken soup.
UniCorn: So you’ve heard?
Matt: J-Man texted me, said he’s got a sore throat so the bar hopping is off this weekend.
UniCorn: *sucks in air in disbelief*
Spidey: Wait…let me make a call…
Spidey: Hey, it’s me. What’s up? Busy? Closing time, right? Help me? Wicked. Chicken. Not frozen. J-Man. Kickin’. See you, Ken.
UniCorn: *sucks in even more air and close to fainting*
Spidey & Matt stand up, high five each other and sit down again.
UniCorn: You…you…you!
Matt: Exactly.

UniCorn: You need to go to the bedroom. Now. This minute.
FridayNext: I’m so tired. I feel awful.
UniCorn: Ha ha ha!
FridayNext: What’s wrong with you?
UniCorn: Bedroom. Now!
FridayNext: Unless you’re proposing to me, you don’t get to speak to me that way. And don’t order me into my own bedroom!
UniCorn: If you go lie down for a bit, I’ll go to the supermarket. I’ll get the chicken for you. Okay, hon?
FridayNext: Okay.

FridayNext wobbles into the bedroom and UniCorn locks the door from the outside. Just in time before Ken rings the doorbell and Spidey opens the door. They high five each other and mumbles ‘peace out’ and then Ken is on his way again. UniCorn gawks behind Spidey.

UniCorn: That’s Ken?
Spidey: Yup.
UniCorn: He’s…
Spidey: But he’s really cool when you get to know him. And he brought us a chicken.
UniCorn: He’s…
Spidey: Indeed, but you can let the sheep out now.

FridayNext sniffles and coughs and runs to and from the bathroom and in between she bosses UniCorn around in the kitchen. Chop veggies. Don’t do it that way. Cook the chicken. More water. Less salt. More pepper. Carrots. Now! Finally the soup is done. It’s hot on all possible levels.

UniCorn: How will you get it to J-Man? It’s too hot to carry. You’re too ill to go outside. It’s after office hours. You don’t know where he lives. Have you thought this through at all?
Matt: Hi Sweetie.
FridayNext: Hi honey.
Matt: Oh, you’ve made chicken soup?
FridayNext: Yeah…
Matt: Smells delicious. I can take it to J-Man.
SILENCE
Matt: Spidey?
Spidey: Yo.
Matt: Up for a cross-town experience tonight?
Spidey: Sure. And we know where J-Man lives. After office hours.
Matt: See you in a while, sweetie. Bye Uni.

And the boys are off with litres of chicken soup and FridayNext stands in her jim-jams not sure what the heck happened. UniCorn grimaces.

FridayNext: Wha…
UniCorn: I think the boys like to hang out with J-Man and Ace.
FridayNext: Wha…
UniCorn: Come on. Let’s get you back in bed.
FridayNext: They know where he lives?
UniCorn: They’ll be home soon.
FridayNext: They know where he lives!
UniCorn: See, nice bed. Warm and comfy.
FridayNext: It’s just a never-ending nightmare, Uni. At least I can dream about Ken.
UniCorn: Yeah…Ken. Goodnight.
FridayNext: Oh Ken…

Bumpy Ride, Final Part

Spidey sits next to J-Man and looks into the screen. He’s not satisfied with the draft. J-Man keeps changing elements while Ace stands behind him thinking up new ideas. Matt walks restless about in the big office not interested in Spidey’s logo issue.

Ace: If you add another element on the left, J…
Spidey: It’s amazing!

In his excitement Spidey claps his hands and without noticing it two lines sling out and string the computer screen.

Ace: AAAHHHH!
J-Man: COOL!
Matt: Jesus!
Spidey: Oh!
Ace: Do it again!
Spidey: Only if you come out with us.
Silence
Spidey: We’re going to hang out in the sports bar around the corner.
Silence
Ace: Perhaps we should call it a day, J?
J-Man: Sounds good to me.
Ace: We’ll swing by when we have locked up.

Matt and Spidey walk over to the bar giving the lines a rest.

Matt: We’re going out with men Fri likes.
Spidey: We have something she doesn’t.
Matt: What?
Spidey: Apart from the obvious… Men like tools and gadgets. Luckily I can compete with that.
Matt: Your strings.
Spidey: Yup.
Matt: You knew they would fall for it.
Spidey: Yup.
Matt: I’m gonna get so drunk you need to carry me home.

Meanwhile in a different part of the town a green sheep is going bonkers in her flat. She rants and raves to nobody until finally it dawns on her that these days everybody meets on the Facebook site. She logs on.

UniCorn sent you a gingerbread cookie
UniCorn sent you a request to feed her fish
UniCorn sent you a gingerbread cookie – again
UniCorn sent you a request to meet all her friends
UniCorn sent you a request to send Matt over to her place
UniCorn sent you a gingerbread cookie – you’re getting fatter and fatter!

Enough already! FridayNext can barely figure out how the email system in Facebook works!

FridayNextFacebookMail: Uni, Matt has gone.
UniCornFacebookMail: What?!
FridayNextFacebookMail: I miss him.
UniCornFacebookMail: Gone where?
FridayNextFacebookMail: Dunno.
UniCornFacebookMail: Our names are too long in this entry.
FridayNextFacebookMail: I know. It was a lame joke to begin with. Come over so we can talk properly.

UniCorn: What do you mean, gone?
FridayNext: Well, can you see him anywhere? He went out and Spidey took off with him. He was angry.
UniCorn: Why?
FridayNext: *trying to be J-Man-aloof* Dunno.
UniCorn: WHY?
FridayNext: He may have heard something about Ken. I didn’t mean to hurt him!
UniCorn: Oh Sherlock!
FridayNext: Yeah. I’m such a Watson today.

Uni pulls out her cell phone and taps away. Fri comes over and gawks at the display but Uni holds up the phone in the air so Fri can’t see the text before she hits send.

UniCorn: You’re not tall in any way, hon.
FridayNext: *sighing* I know.

Within seconds the phone rings.

UniCorn: Howdy.
UniCorn: Where are you?
UniCorn: What’s going on?
UniCorn: Really?
UniCorn: WHO?
UniCorn: For real?
UniCorn: FOR REAL?
UniCorn: She’s not gonna like it!
FridayNext: What?
UniCorn: Are you coming home soon?
FridayNext: Is it Spidey?
UniCorn: Should we join you?
FridayNext: Yes!
UniCorn: Okay, if you’re sure.
FridayNext: We can go immediately!
UniCorn: Shut up!
UniCorn: Not you, Spidey. The green one is jumping up and down here rambling on and on.
FridayNext: You’re lying!
UniCorn: Okay. Deal.
UniCorn: Bye.
FridayNext: What? What did he say?
UniCorn: They’re hanging out in a sports bar and having a good time.
FridayNext: So? What’s not to like about that?
UniCorn: Hey, do you have any popcorn?
FridayNext: No. Tell me.
UniCorn: They’re hanging out with Ken.
FridayNext: WHAT?
UniCorn: And Ace?
FridayNext: Seriously?
UniCorn: And J-Man is kind of there as well.

Silence

UniCorn: Hon, your eyes are glazed. You have to speak to me. What goes on in your head?

Silence

UniCorn: It could be a coincidence…

Uni trails off when she sees the look Fri sends her.

UniCorn: Or maybe not…
FridayNext: You know what this means?
UniCorn: That this is one of the not so good days?
FridayNext: It means I’m the only one they don’t want to hang out with.
UniCorn: It’s got nothing to do with you. The boys just hang out with other boys and they talk about nothing and…

Silence

FridayNext: Right. Sod them. Go to soddery. All of them. Well, J-Man, at least. I hate him now.

Silence

FridayNext: At least for a nanosecond. So…should we go and get some comfort food?
UniCorn: Okay! I have a surprise for you.
FridayNext: Tell me tell me tell me!
UniCorn: We need to go to my place.
FridayNext: I’m gonna say hi to the birdies.
UniCorn: Sure.
FridayNext: And ChessBoy.
UniCorn: Right.
FridayNext: Get the car keys, woman!

In the car they turn on the radio and tune into all the lame Christmas songs that were ever written. They sing along to every one of them in loud, out of key voices. Just when you thought that Last Christmas couldn’t make you gag anymore, UniCorn and FridayNext take the song to a new lower level.

After having greeted the beautiful birdies and hugged the crap out of ChessBoy (get a haircut, man, you look like hippie, dude, maaah haaah), FridayNext flops down on the sofa and waits for UniCorn to entertain her.

UniCorn: Remember that looks isn’t everything.
FridayNext: I think they’re both handsome.
UniCorn: I’m not talking about men.
FridayNext: Oh.
UniCorn: Sometimes something a bit…strange looking can be beautiful.
FridayNext: Are you hinting at me? I know I’m green, dammit! But it’s what I look like.
UniCorn: Oh shut up, Fri. Here!

UniCorn hands FridayNext a plate with five handmade chocolates. All FridayNext sees is perfect titbits of heaven. She doesn’t focus on the colour or shape. This is chocolate. This is paradise. For once FridayNext shuts up and is entirely focused on lifting one of the chocolates off the plate. She slowly bites into the piece and closes her eyes.

There are no J-Mans here. There are no Kens here. All is sweet and soothing. This is the best comfort food ever.

Chocolate Christmas Tale

Every year UniCorn makes the same mistake. EVERY year. You might wonder if she’ll ever learn. Given UniCorn’s past that is highly unlikely.

December 25 2006:
UniCorn: *Staring at the empty make-your-own-soap kits on the floor* Fri! Remind me never to do that again, never!
FridayNext: I will remind you again and you will choose not to hear me…again.
UniCorn: No, next year will be different, I swear.
FridayNext: *Rolling her eyes* Okay, Uni, whatever you say.

September 2007:
UniCorn: *In the kitchen preparing dinner* Hon, I think I’m going to bake again this year.
ChessBoy: *Extremely preoccupied at his computer* Wha?
UniCorn: You know for Christmas
ChessBoy: *Still not taking his eyes off the screen* Right, Christmas, sounds fine
UniCorn: Because people really loved my cookies last year
ChessBoy: *Swearing at his on-line opponent’s smart move on the board*
UniCorn: *Sulking a bit because she thought he was swearing at her* But Hon, they really did. They said so.
ChessBoy: *Laughing out loud because he just found the move to answer his opponents attack*
UniCorn: *Sticking her head into the office* I get the feeling you’re not listening
ChessBoy: *Glancing sideways at UniCorn* What, sweetie, I love you too.
UniCorn: Nevermind.

November 2007:
UniCorn is at the local library trying to work on her thesis. It’s not really going so well, so she ventures into the aisles of books. She stops randomly, picking up a book here and there. And then all of a sudden, she picks up the book.

UniCorn: Aaw!
Librarian: Hussshhh
UniCorn: Sorry, it’s just, this book is perfect. Just what I was looking for. It was like it was calling for me.
Librarian: Huusssshhh

UniCorn mumbles a profanity under her breath, takes the book back to her table and begins leafing through it. It all looks so delicious, so beautiful, so perfect. In her mind, she is already giving lovely boxes away, wrapped with silk ribbon and full of perfection and people Oohs and Aahs and wonders at UniCorn’s seemingly infinite energy reserves.

She takes out a piece of paper and writes down all the names of those she wants to give a little box of perfection. It’s a long list ‘cause UniCorn has got a big family and friends who would just adore such a gift.

She picks up a new piece of paper and starts selecting pieces of perfection from the beautifully illustrated book. She picks seven different ones and makes a list of all the things she needs to buy. That list is even longer than the list of recipients, but it doesn’t matter ‘cause she’s on the road to perfection: Hand made chocolates.

November and early December 2007:
UniCorn is shopping. Big time. She hasn’t told anyone about her mission, it will be a complete surprise. She keeps all the stuff in a box in her kitchen, all ready for the day she decides to make the chocolates. She has gone over the lists of ingredients, crossing out as she gets along, and she has bought boxes that she will paint in beautiful colors and stencil snowflakes on. It will be perfect. She is certain of it.

When she has finally done all of her shopping her kitchen is full of:
1 kg of dark 70% chocolate
400g of light chocolate
400g of white chocolate
1 kg of marcipan
500g of nougat
And then of course all the “trimmings”: Coconut flour, almonds and hazelnuts, sugar, butter, cream, apricots, honey, chutney, raisins, 2 types of liquor, oranges and some purple and gold sprinkly things to go on top of the chocolates.

It has cost a fortune, but really if you think about it, so do handmade chocolates if you go to a real chocolate shop. Right?

December 12 2007:
Today is the day. Chocolate day. ChessBoy has gone to visit a friend of his, so UniCorn is all alone – except for the birdies, but they won’t interfere. It’s noon and she has all day. Not that she’ll need it; it looks really easy in the recipies.

UniCorn: Right, here we go. Crunch first. So I need hazelnuts and sugar. Let me just check the recipe…it says skinless hazelnuts. Ha, naked hazelnuts. Perverts. Shit, mine has that dark skin on, that’s probably what they mean.

UniCorn scratches a bit on one of the nuts to see if the skin will come off. It is glued on.

UniCorn: Right, don’t fret.

She checks in one of her books and finds a place in which the author says to just smack the nuts in the oven for fifteen minutes and the skin will come right off.

UniCorn: In the meantime, I’ll chop the almonds…Goddammit! I need to peel the skin of them too! At least I know how to do that.

She pours boiling water over the almonds and start peeling the skin off. After 10 minutes, her back and neck aches from bending over the almonds and her fingers have gone all prunie.

UniCorn: Right, hazelnuts done. Are they supposed to smell like that? Then I just place the hazelnuts in a piece of cloth – hot hot hot - and rub them and the skin will come off.

UniCorn does so and rubs the nuts against each other. She realizes that most food can be quite perverted and sniggers. She opens the cloth.

UniCorn: What the hell!

Only about half of the nuts are now without skin. And the rest seem really reluctant to let go of their brown bits. She starts peeling the skin off one nut at a time.

UniCorn: Almonds and hazelnuts done… And so is the first hour. But it should be smooth sailing from now on.

UniCorn begins making the stuff for the little balls that will be the centres of the chocolates. She makes orange centres, almond raisin centres, cream centres with Baileys, chocolate nougat centres and marzipan nougat centres. Now it is time to form those little balls. She begins with the orange centres.

UniCorn: Are they supposed to be this sticky?

She checks the recipe but it just says to form little balls and place them on greaseproof paper. UniCorn tries to make the balls round, but they keep sticking to her hands and she realizes that there is now more orange stuff on her hands than on the greaseproof paper. And the balls are not round, egg-shaped at best, bulky and weirdlooking at worst.

UniCorn: *Determined not to let the shape of her chocolate centres get her down* So they are rustic, no point in not being able to see that they are handmade.

She makes balls, lots of balls. She fills one baking tray after the other. Finally, they are all ready, in neat lines of wobbly looking balls. She looks at her watch. She has now spent four hours and she’s tired from standing and straining in her back and neck.

UniCorn: But I have to finish them today or they’ll dry out. So, on to melting chocolate. That can’t be so hard.

UniCorn checks the recipe.

UniCorn: Shit, a thermometer. *Goes through all her cabinets and finally finds a thermometer for chocolate and candy*. Good, now bring it on.

She puts the dark chocolate in the pot and begins heating it. It says that the chocolate should be heated until it reaches 45 degrees celcius. At 45, she takes the pot off the heat and melts the last chocolate in the hot chocolate – just as it says in the recipe.

UniCorn: So now I just need to stir it until it has cooled to 27 degrees and then reheat it to 31.

She stirs. And stirs. And stirs. 42 degrees. Stirs. Stirs. Stirs. 39 degrees. Stirs. Stirs. Stirs. Sits down on the floor with the pot and stirs. 32 degrees. Stirs stirs…. After what seems like an eternity, the needle finally points at 27 degrees. Off to the stove and reheat it to 31 degrees. No sweat.

It is now time to dip the centres in the chocolate. The first centre takes a plunge from the fork and into the chocolate. UniCorn swears and tries to get it onto the fork again, but this only causes the ball to split in three. She takes a spoon and gets the pieces out – and eats them. What else was she to do with that broken ball? After about 10 balls, she is getting the hang of it and she has no disasters with the rest. She dips in coconut and cocoa, sprinkles with purple and gold, melts white chocolate and makes stripes all over some of the dark chocolate balls.

Finally, six hours after she begun the whole ordeal, she’s done. And it looks good. Not perfection. But good. She places the trays with chocolates by an open window, as it says in the recipe, and lies down on the couch for a well-deserved rest.

Half an hour later she gets up. She wants to see if the chocolate has hardened. She goes into the kitchen and sees…disaster. She blinks and hopes it will go away, that it was just grease on her contacts, but it is still there. All the pretty, shiny, not-perfect-but-definitely-a-good-first-try chocolates have gone completely non-glossy and whitish.

UniCorn: Oh my God! They’re ruined.

She rushes to the book. And finds a page at the back of the book that says: What went wrong. And she finds her answer. She heated the chocolate too fast. She hurls the book through the kitchen and looks down at her 87 handmade chocolates that all have a dull, greyish taint to them. She wants to throw them out of the window, but hell if she’s going to throw away 6 hours and God only knows (‘cause she hasn’t dared tell ChessBoy) how much money.

She picks one of the greyish monstrosities and puts it in her mouth. And it is really good. Her mouth is filled with an orangy, chocolaty, coconutty flavour and she smiles. Near-perfection.

2 hours later she still hasn’t decided whether she’ll ever give any of them away, but she has tasted all flavours and she is satisfied. And then she knows what to do. She picks up one of the painted boxes that she made for the chocolates and finds a brush. On the lid, she writes:

Don’t judge a chocolate by its cover – and don’t laugh before you’ve tasted them.

She sits down and starts making a list of ingredients for her Christmas cookies...



Cristmas greetings and lots of love from
UniCorn