Picture Perfect

What you need to create a diversion is a pair of scissors, two sharp images, a pair of night vision goggles and glue. Super glue, preferably. The images mustn’t be too large. But not too small, either. For best results, the contents should be exciting and stimulating.

FridayNext: Out of my way! Vomit. Vomit. Vomit!
Spidey: Don’t vomit on me!
FridayNext: Matt. I need the toilet!
Matt: I’m in here.
FridayNext: Vomit!
Matt: I’m not done yet!
Spidey: She’s gonna vomit, dude. She’s green all over.
Matt: Ha ha, good one, Spidey.
FridayNext: Matt!
Spidey: Not joking. VOMIT!
Matt: Wait wait, I’m almost done!
He opens the door and FridayNext barges in and throws up in the toilet bowl.
Spidey: Showering again?
Matt: Always shower after running.
FridayNext: *vomiting again*
Spidey: You’re a fanatic.
Matt: You don’t shower after you’ve worked out?
Spidey: Yeah, but this is your second shower after you’ve come home from your run.
Matt: So?!
Spidey: Just saying – cold or hot shower this time?
FridayNext: *groaning loudly* I feel awful!
Spidey: And you look it too!
Matt: Hon, what’s up?
FridayNext: Well, looking from the contents of the bowl, I’d say liquorice, some Chinese food and a litre of diet coke.
Spidey: You’re disgusting.
FridayNext: No no no!
Matt: No need to be rude, Spidey.
FridayNext: Oh gawd!
Matt: He didn’t mean it, sweetie.
FridayNext: *vomiting loudly and tearing up* Will you guys leave me alone!
Spidey: Well, excuse us for taking an interest!
Matt: I can hold your hand while you…
FridayNext: Leave! Oh, another one is on its way! I hate vomiting!

Spidey: Look at the mess on the dining room table. We really need Uni to come over soon and entertain Fri.
Matt: It’s good to be creative. I don’t mind if it’s a bit messy around here.
Spidey: Well, at least she’s not moping at the moment.
Matt: Hey, is that a pair of night vision goggles? I didn’t know she had a pair.
Spidey: Switch off the light. I’ll check out if I can see you in the dark.
Matt: Ready?
Spidey: Cooked, ready and almost overdone. Switch off.
Spidey puts on the goggles and Matt switches off the light. The first two seconds Spidey adjusts to the greenish shade and then…
Spidey: AAAAHHHHH! OFF OFF OFF OFF!
Matt: What’s wrong?
Spidey: Get them off me!
Matt: You’ve strapped them on too tightly. I need to turn on the light before I can see properly.
Spidey: Just hurry up. Oh god, I’m going blind, Matt!
Spidey sits down on a chair to catch his breath.
Spidey: These are lethal!
Matt: Come on! You’re overreacting. What can be so horrific?
Spidey: Trust me, Matt. You have to trust me!
Matt: Tell me what you saw.
Spidey: I won’t talk about it. It’s too…too…I need a glass of water.
The minute he’s left the living room, Matt puts on the goggles and…
Matt: AAAAHHHHHHH! OFF OFF OFF OFF!
Spidey comes running into the living room to help Matt.
Spidey: Are you insane? I told you!
Matt: Oh the nightmare!
Spidey: Let’s never speak of this!
Matt: Agree! And I need something stronger than water to recuperate from this.

The next day FridayNext is back on her feet and she packs her bag for the gym. This time she puts in an extra piece – a special treat for the fifteen minutes on the road to Hell.

Girl: Hi!
FridayNext: *panting and sweating* Hi!
Girl: Oh god! You’re going extremely fast!
FridayNext: Thanks.
Girl: Can I just look…
FridayNext: Sure!
Girl: Level 48!
FridayNext: Really?
Girl: Well done! The machine only has 20 levels!
FridayNext: I know!
Girl: What’s your secret?
FridayNext: Stamina and the right motivation. The goggles help a lot.
Girl: Wow. You’re burning fat like I don’t know!
FridayNext: Great. I love the goggles!

J-Man: Hey.
Ace: *mumbling and ignoring J-Man*
J-Man: Fun evening at the gym?
Ace: *turns on his laptop* S’alright.
J-Man: Good.
Ace: Somebody asked me out.
J-Man: The girl at the gym?
Ace: *sighing* There’s no girl at the gym.
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: A man. A man at the gym. He came over when I had just finished half a marathon on the treadmill and he talks about the treadmill and I go: yeah, interesting, and then he asks me out!
J-Man: *silent*
Ace: *staring at J-Man*
SILENCE
Ace: Say something!
J-Man: You’re not gay. We’re not gay. Nobody in this office is gay.
Ace: Right! So why do men keep asking me out?
J-Man: You’re a handsome man.
Ace: Shut up!
J-Man: *giggling* But you asked why!
Silence
Ace: My phone’s on vibrate!
J-Man: *silent*
Ace: Hello?
Ken: I’m bored.
Ace: Hey, Kenny-Boy.
J-Man: *giggling and rolling his eyes*
Ace: *clearing his throat* Yo Ken! What’s up?
Ken: Absolutely-frickin’-nothing!
Ace: Sounds like a lot of fun.
Ken: Let’s do something.
Ace: All of us. You mean all of us, right? J and I can call Matt and Spidey!
J-Man throws Ace a pack of smokes and Ace struggles to free one cigarette from the pack.
Ken: Sure.
Ace: I’ll call ‘em straight away.
Ken: Okay. How’s J-Man?
Ace: Fine. Smirking a lot these days, but other than that he’s fine.
J-Man: Sure you should have cut off nicotine in one go?
Ace: I’m back on these babies! I’ll never quit again!

Spidey: Is it healthy to go to the gym every day?
Matt: I doubt she’s doing anything harmful to herself.
Spidey: Yeah, why would a slightly overweight sheep ever feel the need to do anything harmful to herself… It’s not like she’s known for being in control of her mood, cravings…
Matt: You’re talking about the one I love!
Spidey: What’s that noise?
Matt: What noise?
Spidey: Oh, it’s your DIGNITY, dude! Screaming to be let into your body and mind.
Matt: Luckily for you my phone’s ringing.
Spidey webs the phone out of Matt’s hand and picks it up.
Spidey: Hey Acey-Baby! Can I web you?
Ace: *silent*
Spidey: Dude, are you being paranoid again?
Ace: For once it’d be nice if women were all over me!
Spidey: Hey, you’re a handsome man. I’m sure lines of women would be all over you if you got out more. You’re always in the office, bud. Let me guess: you’re in the office right now.
Ace: Wanna talk to J instead?
Matt: *stealing back the phone from Spidey* Yo Ace!
Ace: Hey Matt. Ken just called. Wanna hang out?
Matt: Sure! Where and when?

To be continued

With a Little Help from...

Matt: What?!
Spidey: It’s what she said.
Matt: Still?
Spidey: Look, bud. Don’t shoot the messenger!
Matt: Let me!

Dialling, cursing and then…

Matt: Hiya, Uni. It’s Matt.
UniCorn: Oh Matty! Darling, how are you?
Matt: Fine, great, I just love the snow we’re having.
UniCorn: Can you believe it? It’s late March and then – swoosh – a snowstorm.
Matt: Yeah, who’d have thought? Listen…
UniCorn: Sure.
Matt: It’s been a long time.
UniCorn: I know! And I miss you all to bits!
Matt: Really?
UniCorn: Of course I do!
Matt: So…
UniCorn: I would just LOVE to come over, but my thesis…

Then twenty minutes go by with Matt listening and trying to interrupt but all conversation is one way and mostly about how adverbials are built according to blah blah blah and Spidey grins and webs Matt from numerous angles while Matt pretends to understand the gibberish from the other end of the cell phone.

UniCorn: So as soon as I’ve written the conclusion, then I can come over.
Matt: Wasn’t this the conclusion?
UniCorn: *giggling* No you silly-billy! Oh Matty! You’re such a sweetheart, honey.
Matt: But when will you have…
UniCorn: I need time to perfect the conclusion. Fri will understand.
Matt: No, she won’t!
UniCorn: Sure she will. She knows how important it is to sculpt the con…

Spidey: *whispering* She drones on and on. I told you!
Matt: *whispering* I can’t get her to stop.
Spidey: *whispering* You sound too interested.
Matt: *whispering* Will you stand still and stop webbing me!
Spidey: *whispering* Come on, you like being webbed!
Matt: *whispering* No I don’t! Stop it!
Spidey: *whispering* Look, I can even do it hanging from the ceiling…
Matt: *screaming* Will you stop it, you freak!
UniCorn: PARDON?!
Matt: Not you, Uni. Spidey…Spidey is…going to die in a second. I got to go. Talk to you soon!
UniCorn: But…
Spidey: Uni, save me!!!!

The skiing machine has lost its appeal. Now it’s a matter of enduring the fifteen minutes after the fun hour of weight training. She doesn’t even like the rowing machine anymore. In fact, she avoids it if at all possible. The last couple of times she’s nearly keeled over on the skiing machine because she followed the girl’s suggestion of mixed levels at high speed. She could barely breathe halfway through the session and all she had to look at was either the display of how few calories she was burning while almost killing herself or the white wall in front of her. If only she had something in front of her that could take her mind off the humdrum of killing herself…

FridayNext: Oi, BaconBoy! I have a special assignment for you.
LordBacon: SkaGrrl orders me about, not you.
FridayNext: Change of the commando line because SkaGrrl is helping TheBoss today…

TheBoss: So…perhaps if we could ask them for a display stand…
SkaGrrl: Right. So I’ll contact them…
TheBoss: Yes. Or perhaps we need some flyers instead.
SkaGrrl: So I’ll make some flyers.
TheBoss: Ask the boys instead.
SkaGrrl: The boys?
TheBoss: But maybe we could have both…
SkaGrrl: So should I contact them for a display sta…
TheBoss: How soon could the boys have a flyer ready?
SkaGrrl: The boys?
TheBoss: They made the other one…you know. That book. The…the…with the brain!
SkaGrrl: The Brain Book. Yes, I know the book. What did they do – and who…
TheBoss: Ask them about their timeframe.
SkaGrrl: …are the boys?
TheBoss: The boys!
SkaGrrl: Yes, I’ll ask…the boys? I’m not quite sure who the boys are.
TheBoss: How well is The Brain Book selling?
SkaGrrl: Not sure. I can find out.
TheBoss: Yes, do that. While you’re here, can you help me attach a file with this email?

FridayNext: So here is a camera. Be careful with it, okay?
LordBacon: I know how to work a camera, Friday.
FridayNext: Don’t you take that tone with me, underling! I have a map here for you. This is your destination. You need to follow whoever comes out of this door, take pictures of whoever and come straight back to me. And remember, it’s a hush-hush assignment.
LordBacon: But what do I do if more than one person comes out of the door?
FridayNext: You’ll work it out. Don’t ask me silly questions like that!
LordBacon: *whispering to himself* You’re almost as erratic as TheBoss…
FridayNext: Did you say something?
LordBacon: No. I’ll get my coat and…
FridayNext: Good!

Ace: I feel great! Some time off and now back to work. No longer burnt out, just ready to embrace whatever project. I’ve done four projects today – only sixteen to go before I can call it a day. I feel great!
J-Man: *silent*
Ace: It’s unbelievable what some days off can do to your mind and body. And the gym. Did I tell you that I went to the gym every day the office was closed?
J-Man: Only like four million times. But please, tell me again.
Ace: Aaaah, sound body and sound mind. I feel great!
J-Man: *silent*
Ace: J…
J-Man: Yes?
Ace: Stop staring into your screen for a minute.
J-Man: Why?
Ace: Look at me. Come on, just for a second. Look at me.
J-Man: *averts his gaze to Ace* Looking at you.
Ace: *showing off a frightening smile that could billboard “hi, I’m a member of Scientology, voluntarily, of course. Come join us…”*
J-Man: Whatever you want me to do, I won’t do it.
Ace: Try it! Once! Look, I brought my gym bag. What a coincidence! And what’s this…hey, I think it’s one of your shirts you forgot last time you blacked out in my flat after that DJ gig. Remember? The gig I made sure you got? Through all my connections? And what’s this? A pair of trainers! It’s like…like…
J-Man: It’s like you planned it. I’m not doing it. I’m fit enough.
Ace: It’s not a question of being fit. It’s about a sound body and a sound mind.
J-Man: Don’t you have like sixteen projects you need to sink your teeth into?
Ace: I can do them in a sec! After we’ve worked out. On the treadmill.
J-Man: You run along. I need to have this done before I leave tonight.
Silence
Ace: I really didn’t want to tell you…
Silence
Ace: Okay, since you’re begging me.
Silence
Ace: I think one of the women at the gym fancies me but I’m not sure.
Silence
Ace: So I’d like you to come along and check out if I’m off the deep end.
J-Man: A…
Ace: I know! It’s just a woman! But…she’s a…a…ahm… Okay! Here’s the deal: If you don’t come with me to the gym, I’ll suddenly disappear the next time we’re at a meeting with FridayNext. Then you can sit on your own and see what she’ll do to you.
J-Man: You wouldn’t.
Ace: Oh, wouldn’t I?
J-Man: She won’t do anything to me anyway.
Ace: *sarcastic* Noooh, of course not!
J-Man: Okay then. I’ll go, but only this one time!
Ace: Yes!

Two men come out of the door and LordBacon wakes from his slumber. In a mistaken way of being helpful, FridayNext insisted that he take her bike. Being a very tall young man, he stands out sitting on a white woman’s bicycle adjusted to a rider two-third his height. His knees bang into the steering wheel. The red helmet is in the basket on top of the back wheel. She forced him to wear it when he took off from the office but as soon as he got out of her eyesight, he took it off. He has some dignity. At least before he ventured on this mission.

So at slow speed he follows the two men who are oblivious to being followed by a tall man on a miniscule bike with a red helmet in the back. They walk for ten minutes, then turn right into a…

LordBacon: They must be joking! I’m not going to the gym!

He fumbles with the numerous locks she made him promise that he would secure on her bike whenever he left it out of sight. After some squabble and persuasive arguments in the reception, he is admitted entrance without a fee – just for the day, and only this time ever. Then he walks into the men’s changing room.

LordBacon: Ah
NakedMan: Hi
LordBacon: Ah
NakedManII: Yo
LordBacon: Ah!
Ace: What are you doing with that camera?
J-Man: Ah!
LordBacon: Ah!
Ace: You need to protect the lens! It’s all fogged up.
J-Man: Look, sports-fanatic, don’t help him. At least not until I got all my clothes on.
Ace: We’re going on the treadmill.
J-Man: *sighing*
Ace: Come on, J. You’re taking like forever to change!

LordBacon shuffles around pretending to look for a vacant locker, now and again he turns around to check if J-Man is naked yet. Not yet. Not yet. Then he decides that whatever picture he gets of J-Man must be good enough and he clicks incessantly before even Ace recognises that hey…is this okay behaviour in a men’s changing room? Then he storms out of the room before some of the insanely buffed men realise what he’s been up to.

J-Man: If I’m all over the Internet in this outfit tonight, I’ll sue you, A!
Ace: Stop fretting. It’s time for the treadmill! Come on!

FridayNext: So?
LordBacon: I’ll never do a mission like that again! I’ll quit if you…
SkaGrrl: Hey, what’s up?
FridayNext: Nothing! Did you manage to…
SkaGrrl: I don’t know! He doesn’t make any sense! The boys. Who are the boys? Everybody apparently knows who the boys are!
FridayNext & LordBacon in UniSon: J-Man and Ace.
SkaGrrl: Why not call them J-Man and Ace, then?! I’ve been checking all outgoing correspondence the past five years to figure out who the boys are!
LordBacon: I’ll leave you to it. It’s been a long day.
SkaGrrl: You tell me! Hey, you got a camera, Fri? Any good pics you want to share?
LordBacon: No!
FridayNext: Nah, nothing on here.

To be continued…

Sunday with Two Workaholics, Sushi and the Gym

FridayNext: But you enjoyed it the last time.
Spidey: I told you: I’m not going.
FridayNext: If I keep begging and begging…
Spidey: I won’t do it. Matt!
FridayNext: Don’t!
Matt: What? Hey, are you going to the gym?
FridayNext: No?
Spidey: How come you have your bag all packed then?
Matt: I can come with you if you like.
FridayNext: S’alright. See you in a couple of hours.
Spidey: Fri, let him at least see the place.
Matt: Yeah.
FridayNext: *sighing deeply*
Matt: Okay, I’ll just get my gear!
Spidey: You’ll enjoy his company. He’ll be a lot of fun!
FridayNext: *sarcastic* Right.

Matt: What’s your favourite machine?
FridayNext: The skiing machine. I also like the weight thingy I push with my legs while I lie down on my back. Perhaps I like the machine that works my waist the best. I don’t know. They’re all fun in their own way.
Matt: You like going to the gym.
FridayNext: I dropped a weight disc on my foot the last time.
Matt: *abhorred and surprised* What?
FridayNext: I don’t have enough strength in my arms. So I accidentally lost a weight disc on my left foot. It hurt like I don’t know what.
Matt: Did anybody help you?
FridayNext: No. It’s not a big deal. The pain is almost gone now.
Matt: Why didn’t you tell us?
FridayNext: It’s nothing. Really. I usually park my bike over there. Come on.

FridayNext: Hello. Can I have a key for the locker, please?
Matt: I’d like to buy a day ticket, please.
JonasTheSadist: Hello. Here you go.
Matt: Hello. You’re Jonas?
JonasTheSadist: Yes, I am.
Matt: *reaching out his right hand to greet JonasTheSadist* Hi, I’m Matt. Fri’s boyfriend.
FridayNext: *squirming and sighing under her breath*
JonasTheSadist: Okay.
Matt: I was just wondering…is it okay when a member hurts herself with one of the weights? Do you have a policy on that?
FridayNext: Sorry, Jonas. We really have to get going. Come on, Matt. I’ll show you where you can change your clothes.
JonasTheSadist: *confused and bewildered*

Ace: It’s Sunday and we’re working.
J-Man: Right.
Ace: I’m fed up with working.
J-Man: Right.
Ace: I need a break!
J-Man: Right.
Ace: I have too many projects! I only have one brain!
J-Man: Right.
Ace: Stop saying Right, alright?!
J-Man: Right.
Ace: I’m gonna smack you!
J-Man: Sorry?
Ace: You’re not listening to me!
J-Man: Sorry, I have tonnes of work to do.
Ace: So do I!
J-Man: So?
Ace: I…I…I want some time off.
J-Man: You will. Soon. When we’ve done these projects. Then we’ll take off a couple of days.
Ace: I know. It’s just that we’ve been working around the clock for months now and my brain is cooking up mistakes and implausible ideas and solutions.
J-Man: Hey, you’re good at your job.
Ace: Thanks. So are you.
J-Man: Right.
Ace: We’re surfacing, aren’t we?
J-Man: Right.
Ace: Just one year ago we were hunting down new projects, now they hunt us down instead.
J-Man: Right.
Ace: You’re not listening to me.
J-Man: Right.

FridayNext: I work on the skiing machine for ten minutes to warm up. You can run on the treadmill if you like.
Matt: Nah, I’ll work on the skiing machine next to you. Ten minutes, you say?
FridayNext: At low level and speed.
Matt: Okay, I’ll just follow you.
FridayNext: *sighing under her breath* Alright.

Finally having some time to himself, Spidey swings cross town to catch up with his mates. Hanging on the window he taps the glass to catch their attention.

Spidey: What the heck are you doing?!
Ace: Working my goddamn tail off!
Spidey: But it’s Sunday.
Ace: Don’t remind me.
Spidey: Are you going to open the window or do I have to climb the stairs?
J-Man: *opens the window next to Spidey and leans out* Hey Spidey. Nice surprise.

Spidey swings inside and high fives the guys in a very masculine manner and then they all go silent. Ace sighs and J-Man returns to his Mac.

Spidey: What’s up?
Ace: Work. Endless projects and correspondence.
Spidey: So….too busy to grab some food down the corner.
Ace: Kind of.
Spidey: Kidding?
Ace: Nope. We’re stressed for deadlines at the moment.
Spidey: Okay. I’ll leave you to it.
J-Man: But it’s nice seeing you.
Spidey: Right.
Ace: *giggling* Right.
J-Man: Shut up, A!

Matt: This is fun. And easy.
FridayNext: *sweating bullets after 10 minutes of warming up* Right. Super fun. Super easy.
Matt: I didn’t mean it like that.
FridayNext: This is why I didn’t want you to come. You’re too fit to work out with me!
Matt: No I’m not. I promise, I’m not!
FridayNext: What a weird thing to say!
Girl: Hey!
FridayNext: Hi!
Girl: Good to see you again!
FridayNext: Thanks. You too!
Girl: Did you do that thing I told you?
FridayNext: Yeah! It worked out great!
Girl: Told you!
FridayNext: Will be back on the skiing machine in an hour or so. Need to work on my exercise programme now.
Girl: Wicked. See you on the slopes.
FridayNext: Nice!
Matt: Hello.
Girl: Hello. Don’t slow her down. She’s here to work out, man.
Matt: *baffled and surprised*
FridayNext: See you later.
Matt: Who’s she?
FridayNext: She’s nice. She has been keeping an eye on me.
Matt: In what way?
FridayNext: Look how fit she is. She looks great!
Matt: You think?
SkinnyWoman: Hi ya!
FridayNext: *smiling a cold smile and then turning her head away from the woman*
Matt: Hello.
SkinnyWoman: You’re new here?
Matt: Just working out for the day.
SkinnyWoman: Looks like you’re fit enough, ha ha.
Matt: *silent and staring at FridayNext*
SkinnyWoman: You wanna hang out later?
Matt: No thank you.
SkinnyWoman: How about this Saturday? We can catch a movie?
FridayNext: I’ll be over there, Matt.
Matt: I’ll come with you. Sorry, I’m not available.
SkinnyWoman: No?
Matt: Definitely no.
SkinnyWoman: Hmmm.

Spidey: Three menus, sake, beers, throw in some extra makis and chopsticks of course. To go, please.
Ten minutes later he struggles up the building, knocks on the window close to J-Man and almost keels over from the extra weight.

J-Man: Hey! There you are again.
Ace: Yo!
Spidey: Sorry, know you’re busy but you need to eat so I brought some takeaway.
J-Man: Sushi!
Ace: Oh!
J-Man: Beer!
Ace: Nice!
J-Man: Sake.
Ace: Oh no!
J-Man: Chopsticks.
Ace: I’m good with chopsticks.
J-Man: We both are.
Ace: Exactly.
Spidey: So break for lunch and dig in.

FridayNext: You can go out with her if you like.
Matt: Who?
FridayNext: The woman who stalked you!
Matt: Why would I want to go out with her?
FridayNext: She chatted to Spidey when he was here.
Matt: She probably chats to everybody.
FridayNext: Not me. I’m not male.
Matt: I doubt it has anything to do with that.
FridayNext: Matt, hon, wake up.
Matt: I can carry your bag to your bike, if you like.
FridayNext: It’s not heavy. But thanks.
Matt: Okay then.
Silence
Matt: Alright?
FridayNext: Alright.
Matt: You’re just…very quiet these days.
FridayNext: Sorry.
Matt: S’alright.

Just before bedtime she corners Spidey in the living room.
FridayNext: What have you been up to all day?
Spidey: Not much. Did you enjoy the gym?
FridayNext: Oh yeah, it’s a hoot to see women hit on a man who insists on being my boyfriend.
Spidey: Aaaah, you’re jealous!
FridayNext: You were with J-Man today, weren’t you?
Spidey: How the hell did you know?!
FridayNext: I just know, Spidey. And it’s unfair.
Spidey: We just hung out. We had sushi.
FridayNext: I can’t believe you would do that to me!
Spidey: Sorry sorry sorry!
FridayNext: No you’re not! I hate him now. I can’t believe he’d have sushi with you and not me!
Spidey: But…
FridayNext: Goodnight!
Matt: What did you do now? She’s been offbeat for days and now she’s slamming doors and moping again.
Spidey: She figured out that I’ve spent the day with the guys.
Matt: Without me?!
Spidey: Don’t you start as well!
Matt: Sorry.
Spidey: S’alright.
Matt: I know what we need.
Spidey: What?
Matt: A day with UniCorn. That would save us from Fri’s edginess.
Spidey: I’ll call her tomorrow.
Matt: ‘Night.
Spidey: ‘Night.

Obsessive Mind

After two weeks, she has worn Spidey to the ground.

FridayNext: Please. PLEASE!
Spidey: No.
FridayNext: But it’ll be so much fun!
Spidey: No.
FridayNext: Why not?
Matt: I’ll do it.
FridayNext: No thanks.
Spidey: I’m as lean as I can possibly get.
Matt: I need the exercise. I’ll be happy to join you.
FridayNext: But you’re not a killing machine. Wouldn’t it be great if you could take on anybody?
Spidey: You’re annoying.
FridayNext: So?
Matt: Why not me?
FridayNext: Look, just once. If you hate it, I’ll bring Matt.
Matt: He’ll hate it! Take me with you.
Spidey: Matt, show some self respect, dude.
FridayNext: Coooooooooommmmmmmeeeeeee oooooonnnnnnnn!
Spidey: Oh shut up! I’ll do it once and once only!
FridayNext: YES!
Matt: Self respect my arse!

The first week she is happy and overly excited.
FridayNext: So JonasTheSadist put together this exercise routine for me.
SkaGrrl: Oh?
FridayNext: Indeed! And it’s not too difficult!
SkaGrrl: No?
FridayNext: Absolutely not. It’s fun!
SkaGrrl: Fun?
LordBacon: Don’t you have some projects you need to work on?
FridayNext: No. So I did all the exercises and then I went on the skiing machine, for fifteen minutes!
SkaGrrl: Fifteen minutes?
FridayNext: Yes! Isn’t that something?
SkaGrrl: It is!
FridayNext: On level 2.
LordBacon: *sighing and shaking his head*
SkaGrrl: How many levels does it have?
LordBacon: Don’t encourage her!
FridayNext: Dunno! Oh! I can find out next time I go to the gym.
SkaGrrl: Yes! I’d like to know.
LordBacon: *staring at SkaGrrl in disbelief*
SkaGrrl: I do! I really do!
FridayNext: Just shut up, BaconBoy!
LordBacon: I said nothing!
FridayNext: Good. Because I can fire you if you don’t humour me.
FridayNext & SkaGrrl in UniSon: HA HA HA HA!
SkaGrrl: You’re so powerful.
FridayNext: I know. But I only use my powers for good stuff.
LordBacon: *snorting immensely then coughing to disguise the mistake* So I’ve finished all the labelling. What do you want me to do next?
SkaGrrl: *surfing the Internet and apparently deaf to LordBacon’s question*
FridayNext: You could clean up the area behind you. There are several boxes that you could throw out.
SkaGrrl: Oh. Ha ha ha! Sorry, what did you say, BaconBoy? I can barely see because of my cold.
LordBacon: Yeah, that makes sense.
SkaGrrl: So my reaction time is behind real time.
FridayNext: I know exactly what you mean!
LordBacon: I’ll go get myself a glass of water. Perhaps you’ll both make sense when I come back.
FridayNext: He’s a bit temperamental today, isn’t he?
SkaGrrl: Yeah. Just because he doesn’t understand how the superior female brain works.
FridayNext: You said it! Well, I guess I should go back to my office.
SkaGrrl: Don’t forget about the level!
FridayNext: I won’t!

The second week she has a tendency to be the most obnoxious person around
FridayNext: Hello hello hello hello hello!
Ace: Hello?
FridayNext: Whatcha doing?
Ace: Working.
FridayNext: Oh! Y’know?
Ace: What?
FridayNext: Do you ever go to the gym?
Ace: Usually every night after work. Why?
FridayNext: Oh my god, Ace! You’re adorable!
No reply
FridayNext: I’m in love with my local gym.
No reply
FridayNext: I love the skiing machine.
Ace: I run.
FridayNext: Ouch! It looks painful and too hard for my knees.
Ace: It’s good to run 5 miles after work. I feel relaxed and stress just disappears.
FridayNext: Five miles? That’s a lot of running.
No reply

FridayNext: J-Man?
J-Man: Friday?
No reply. An hour later.
J-Man: Friday Friday Friday?
FridayNext: Oh J-Man! J-Man J-Man J-Man! I got caught up in a project! I miss talking to you. Are you very busy?
An hour later
J-Man: Doing 256 picture files for a project. Time flies when you’re having fun…
FridayNext: Wouldn’t it be great if you worked in my office?
No reply
FridayNext: I’d put in a hammock so you could snooze now and again.
J-Man: I’ve always wanted a hammock.
FridayNext: I’ll go buy one immediately!
No reply

Third week and Spidey finally caves in to her pressure and comes with her to the gym. She shows off as if she’s been going for decades.
FridayNext: This is where you put your membership card in the slot to show that you’re attending today.
Spidey: I don’t have a card. I’m not at member. Remember?
FridayNext: Yet. And then we go to the reception and they hand you a key for the locker in exchange for your membership card. It’s a great system.
Spidey: Still not a member.
FridayNext: Hello. Can I have a key, please? And could my friend buy a ticket for the day?
Spidey: So is JonasTheSadist at work tonight?
Receptionist: Jonas will be in later. Would you like to book him?
FridayNext: No! No thank you. We’ll…not tonight. Thanks.
Spidey: Can I have a key for the locker or should I just go with my friend here?
Receptionist: You can’t go with your friend. You need to change in the men’s locker room.
FridayNext: Don’t be so silly! You’re embarrassing me!
Spidey: Well, you should have brought Matt.
FridayNext: No! Come on. This is the men’s locker room. I’ll meet you outside in five minutes.

She changes at the speed of light and waits for Spidey outside the men’s locker room. Men come out, men go in. She tries not to gawk at the sweaty young fit men…too much. Finally Spidey comes out in a tight orange sweat suit. She grimaces but doesn’t say anything.

She storms over to the skiing machine and once again shows off. She punches in her data and runs like a maniac. Spidey watches from the side. She explains that there are 20 levels and she’s managed level 4. He doesn’t look impressed. A young woman is working on the skiing machine next to her. She throws a few glimpses to Spidey who’s indifferent.

SkinnyWoman: Hi there.
Spidey: Hi.
SkinnyWoman: New here?
Spidey: Kind of.
SkinnyWoman: I like your outfit.
Spidey: Thanks.
FridayNext: Perhaps you’d like to try out one of the bikes?
Spidey: I’m fine. I told you I’m as limber as I’ll ever get.
SkinnyWoman: I wish I could say that!
She giggles and throws her long hair about. She’s been on the skiing machine for some time and not a bead of sweat has left her body.

Spidey sighs and looks about the room. He sees the rowing machine that was Friday’s first love.

Spidey: I’ll try the rowing machine. Yell when you’re finished.
FridayNext: *gasping for air* Sure!
SkinnyWoman: Or you could hang here and talk some more.
Spidey: Well, I’m actually here to exercise a bit…
FridayNext: See you in a while. I’ll be ten minutes.
Spidey: Sure.
SkinnyWoman: See you later?
Spidey: Mmm.
SkinnyWoman: What a great guy!

FridayNext is about to answer but she realises that SkinnyWoman is speaking to the woman on the third skiing machine. A woman in a plus size, with a pretty face but ugly body. A woman nobody noticed until SkinnyWoman spoke to her.

SkinnyWoman: I told you it’d be nice to do some exercise. If you work on this thing for half an hour, you’ll feel great. Perhaps you should try a higher level?

FridayNext: Can you believe that woman?!
Spidey: What woman?
FridayNext: ‘What woman’! The woman you chatted up!
Spidey: You’ve lost me.
FridayNext: On the skiing machine!
Spidey: She was just being nice. A bit chatty, but that’s all.
FridayNext: Did you see her friend?
Spidey: What friend?
FridayNext: Exactly! They always have a fat friend so they can feel superior!
Spidey: Again: you’ve lost me!
FridayNext: It’s like J-Man!
Spidey: What?
FridayNext: If I were skinny, he’d go out with me. But I’m not so he won’t. The gym syndrome won’t help, but at least I’m doing it for myself, not for him.
Spidey: I need some water and I think you do as well.
FridayNext: I got my bottle here. I’m just fed up with it all. I didn’t think it would be this obvious in a gym.
Spidey: If we work through your exercise programme and then go home, we can confuse Matt as much as you’ve confused me.
FridayNext: Okay. I’m just saying I’m fed up with being the fat friend everybody ignores!
Spidey: Right. Perhaps you should call Uni when we come home?
FridayNext: I will!

Sunday

Spidey: Listen!
Matt: What?
Spidey: Silence.

The front door is slammed shut and noise from the hallway permeates the entire flat. Cussing and moans are heard. Spidey sighs and closes his eyes. Matt looks toward the living room door.

FridayNext: Matt! Matty! Honey!

Spidey: And we’re back to the yelling.
Matt: In here, hon.
FridayNext: Oi! Matt! Come here! I want sexual intercourse now! Stat!

Spidey’s face turns white and numerous ticks overtake his entire body. Matt looks surprised and slightly bewildered. He blinks uncontrollably and gawks at Spidey who avoids all eye contact.

Matt: Hon?
FridayNext: I’m so pumped! I feel great! I have the energy of a 20 year old whatever! Come on, stud. It’s now or never!

She barges into the living room and reaches out to Matt in the armchair. She even takes a couple of dance steps to show off her wobbly bottom. It’s almost the penguin dance. She smiles and her eyes shines as if drugged.

FridayNext: Come here, you sexy man, you. I want to snog you!
Matt: Oh…well...
Spidey: Fri, we have company.

She looks to her right and sees Ken sitting in the sofa. Embarrassment flies in at the speed of Mach 900.

FridayNext: Oh. Hello.
Ken: Hello.
FridayNext: Well…
Ken: I really should be going…
FridayNext: No, no need to. I have to go back…to the gym…anyway…
Ken: No, really, I have so much stuff I need to do…
FridayNext: I left my…arms…there. I have to fetch them before they close for the day.
Spidey: Arms?
FridayNext: So...ahm…see you guys later.
Matt: Honey…
Ken: Really, you shouldn’t…

She rushes out the front door, forgets her key and mental stability in the flat.

Spidey: Luckily that wasn’t awkward at all!
Ken: I shouldn’t have dropped by.
Matt: Don’t worry about it.
Spidey: I’ll go see what she’s up to. Hopefully she’s not legless as well as armless.

There’s no sign of her outside the gym. Spidey scouts for her bike but it’s nowhere to be seen. She left without her purse and it’s too windy to bike for long so her range is limited. He cups his hands on one of the windows to the gym and looks in. He repeats this several times at each window. Still no sign of her.

BigBloke1: Hey! What are you doing?
Spidey: Looking for a friend of mine.

The big bloke doesn’t seem to like the answer. He leaves the front door to the gym and waddles over to Spidey who’s clueless to what is going to happen.

BigBloke1: We don’t like snoops.
Spidey: Not snooping. Just checking out if my friend is at the gym.
BigBloke1: I have seen you at the windows before.
Spidey: I was checking out my friend. How she got along with the machines.
BigBloke1: I don’t like your replies.
Spidey: I’m sorry about that, but it’s the truth.
BigBloke1: I think you’re snooping.
Spidey: Think what you like, but I know the truth.
BigBloke1: Right.

Having had a good cry and a panic attack simultaneously in the gym’s toilet, FridayNext leaves the gym to embark on the walk of shame home. She nearly stumbles over Spidey who’s going in circles in the parking lot.

FridayNext: Hey Spidey. What’s up?
Spidey: Not much.
FridayNext: Oh my god! You are bleeding from the nose and your left eye is swollen and red!
Spidey: Oh, I stumbled over something on my way over here.
FridayNext: Are you alright?
Spidey: I’m fine. Wanna go home?
FridayNext: No, but I will anyway.
Spidey: Right. Let’s go. Before more parts of me haemorrhage.
FridayNext: My arms hurt.
Spidey: Really? I’m sorry. Are you in a lot of pain?
FridayNext: Yeah.
Spidey: Good.

She giggles and puts her right arm inside his left and leads them homewards.

FridayNext: There’s a room where mostly men lift weights.
Spidey: Mmm.
FridayNext: Today there were men there again.
Spidey: Mmm.
FridayNext: The other day, when I worked on one of the machines close to the room…
Spidey: Mmm.
FridayNext: There was a man.
Spidey: Mmm.
Silence
FridayNext: He lifted weights with a friend.
Spidey: Mmm.
FridayNext: His legs were muscle-less.
Spidey: Your point?
FridayNext: He had a great chest.
Spidey: Okay.
FridayNext: He’s young.
Spidey: Mmm.
FridayNext: He looks like J-Man.
Spidey: Oh God.
FridayNext: I know! Isn’t it amazing?! Today he was at the gym without his friend.
Spidey: You didn’t chat him up, did you?
FridayNext: No. I’m not gonna chat up anybody for a while.
Spidey: Well, perhaps it’ll do you good to take a break.
FridayNext: I miss Uni.
Spidey: We all do.
FridayNext: I miss J-Man.
Spidey: Mmm.
FridayNext: You’re never gonna tell me where he lives?
Spidey: Nope.
FridayNext: I wouldn’t stalk him at home, you know.
Spidey: Well, then you don’t need his address.
FridayNext: Right. But he’s nice.
Spidey: Mmm.
FridayNext: Adorable, really.
Spidey: Whatever.
FridayNext: And sexy!
Spidey: You need to shut up now before I gag.
FridayNext: Okay.
Spidey: I’m hungry.
FridayNext: I can cook us pancakes.
Spidey: Great!
FridayNext: If Ken has left…
Spidey: I’m sure he has. He’s a good man.
FridayNext: Don’t rub it in.
Spidey: Sorry.