The headache is persistent and won’t leave her alone although alcohol has been banned since she came home late at night and thought she saw J-Man, Ace and Ken in the living room. Matt reassured her that she was imagining the worst case scenario. Spidey giggled and UniCorn took her to the bedroom and helped her into bed. Everything else is a blurred memory. Something about a reception and being let down, but then some Chinese food and great conversation. UniCorn says she doesn’t remember the latter, though.
Matt ordered her out of the flat. She’s been lying about in bed for days oozing laziness and bad vibes. So she’s gone to the supermarket to find some comfort food and pass the time. Just for the heck of it, she picks up a cucumber and a bag of carrots. Not sure why but they match the shopping basket. She heads for the bread aisle. Bread. Bread is bad for you. But she settles for bread despite the fact. It’s quiet in the supermarket. It’s early and customers have not yet felt the need to turn into shopaholics.
A left turn. The cheese and milk aisle. She listens to her mp3 player, succumbed to bad pop music that was popular five years ago. No cheese. Perhaps some milk. She looks up and zooms in on the milk.
Oh my god.
Her heart skips a zillion beats, her throat dries up, her stomach turns into a knocked out punch bag. She backs away, goes back to the bread aisle. Gasps for air, mentally kicks herself for being unprepared, having greasy hair and having slapped next to no makeup on before she left the flat. But there’re no customers around. There’s nobody to disturb the scenario. So she takes a deep breath, goes back to the aisle with milk and marches forward.
He has no idea that she’s closing in for the kill. Oblivious to her quest, he keeps putting milk on shelves. She walks up to him. Takes out her ear plugs. No reaction from him. He keeps putting milk on shelves. He’s taller than her even when he’s not standing on his toes to reach the top shelve. She remains frozen next to him and doesn’t know how to begin the conversation. Is he ignoring her? For a brief moment she thinks he has seen her but decides not to speak to her. She is standing so close to him that she can reach out and touch him. Finally he acknowledges her, looks down at her, utters a subdued “oh” and backs away a step from her. It’s her turn. This is the worst examination she’s had in her entire life.
He looks at her for a second then turns away his gaze. He seems unsure of her. It’s like he doesn’t know if he should keep putting milk on shelves or wait for her to say something. She can’t make out if he’s shy or scared of her. At least he hasn’t said anything rude to her yet like she had thought he might.
She’s aware that her hair is greasy and that she didn’t bring an umbrella so she’s very wet, almost dripping from her nose. She feels an urge to sniff but overcomes it. She doesn’t look at him but begins the chat up line.
FridayNext: I’d like to ask you something and it’s not about the supermarket…so it’s a bit awkward perhaps. But I was wondering if you’d like to go out for a cup of coffee?
Brief moment of silence. He looks surprised – how can he be surprised? He’s been looking at her a couple of times when she’s been in the supermarket. She knows he’s been looking at her. They have had eye contact. It can’t come as a surprise that she’s asking him out.
He glances at her, and then looks away again. He goes back to putting milk on the shelves.
Ken: A cup of coffee? Well…
Brief silence
Ken: …I’m not sure I have time for that…
Brief silence
FridayNext: Sure you have time off work now and again.
Brief silence
Ken: Yeah…
FridayNext: *interrupting* It’s okay. Saying no is an okay answer.
Ken: Oh. Then I’m afraid that it’s a no.
FridayNext: Okay then.
And she puts her ear plugs back in, walks away, puts some unspecified groceries in the basket and goes to the check out.
Feeling like the ugliest sheep in the world. Not even attractive enough to lure Ken into having a cup of coffee with her.
A phone conversation:
Ken: Spidey?
Spidey: Yup.
Ken: Is Matt in?
Spidey: Out running. Wanna hang out?
Ken: Working.
Spidey: Wicked.
Ken: Really you I want to speak to.
Spidey: ‘Kay.
Ken: FridayNext just asked me out.
Spidey: What!
Ken: She came up to me and politely asked me out.
Spidey: Oh no!
Ken: Thought you should know.
Spidey: What did you tell her?
Ken: No.
Spidey: Good. And bad. She’ll be in a terrible mood when she comes home now.
Ken: What else could I say?
Spidey: Right.
Ken: Sorry. Hang out soon?
Spidey: Will web you.
Ken: Nice!
Sunday, 27 January 2008
Thursday, 24 January 2008
Intermezzo: When They Go
I remember what I did when I heard that John Lennon was shot dead. I was jumping up and down in my sister’s bed. Way too old to do such a thing
With Freddie Mercury I couldn’t turn off the telly because MTV showed videos by Queen an entire weekend. In remembrance and with respect.
I stood in the kitchen doing the dishes when I heard that Kurt Cobain had shot himself. I sat down on my sofa with a plate in my hand, my cat jumped up next to me on the sofa and watched the news with me. I remember that I thought he was a bastard. That he should have stayed around, proven everybody wrong. But perhaps he didn’t feel he had anything to prove.
Now it’s painful to say Howdy. Or enact Ennis and Jack scenarios. Uni texted me in the middle of the night. I was awake, suffering from a mild case of insomnia. Have you heard? What, can’t be true.
So much talent gone in a wink. Could somebody turn back the clocks? Or make use of the rewind button so we can erase the parts that don’t make sense – or skip the segments that brought us mourning, sadness and bewilderment.
With Freddie Mercury I couldn’t turn off the telly because MTV showed videos by Queen an entire weekend. In remembrance and with respect.
I stood in the kitchen doing the dishes when I heard that Kurt Cobain had shot himself. I sat down on my sofa with a plate in my hand, my cat jumped up next to me on the sofa and watched the news with me. I remember that I thought he was a bastard. That he should have stayed around, proven everybody wrong. But perhaps he didn’t feel he had anything to prove.
Now it’s painful to say Howdy. Or enact Ennis and Jack scenarios. Uni texted me in the middle of the night. I was awake, suffering from a mild case of insomnia. Have you heard? What, can’t be true.
So much talent gone in a wink. Could somebody turn back the clocks? Or make use of the rewind button so we can erase the parts that don’t make sense – or skip the segments that brought us mourning, sadness and bewilderment.
Sunday, 20 January 2008
Various Scenarios
FridayNext: It’s all pooh!
UniCorn: I think you’ve had enough.
FridayNext: Pooh!
UniCorn: Excuse me, could we have the check, please?
FridayNext: I’m not going anywhere. Give me another strawberry daiquiri!
UniCorn: I think you’ve had enough, hon.
FridayNext: Two more daiquiris over here and hurry!
UniCorn: I’m fine. I don’t need another…
FridayNext: Not for you. You can order your own drinks.
UniCorn: Fri, I think we should…
FridayNext: Don’t! It’s not good for your brain to think. I’m still waiting for the drinks, waiter!
UniCorn: The boys are waiting up for you. We really should be getting home.
FridayNext: At last! Hey, if I take both straws then I can have double intake….
UniCorn: Could I have the check, please?
FridayNext: She wants a cosmo. She always wants a cosmo. Bring her a cosmo. She’ll shut up then. One cosmo and be quick about it.
UniCorn: I don’t want another drink. Just the check…
FridayNext: Oh shut up about the check!
Scenario 1
He walks into my office and says hello. In a very anti-Lionel Ritchie way, hopefully. And I go…oh, hello. And he goes: hi. And then…
J-Man: Thought I’d pop in and see how you are.
FridayNext: I’m fine. Just great. How’re you?
J-Man: Fine. Busy. But good.
FridayNext: Can I grope you a bit?
J-Man: Sure you can. Which arm?
FridayNext: Well, I like the left one the best. And I’d love to see your teeth as well.
J-Man: Oh, I can smile. Would that help?
FridayNext: Erm…you could open your mouth and let me see your front teeth. That’d do it for me.
J-Man: Okay. Like this?
FridayNext: *I turn into a jellyfish because that’s how handsome he is!*
UniCorn: You’re rambling!
FridayNext: It could have happened. If he hadn’t been carrying that box of heavy stuff.
UniCorn: Stuff like that would never happen. I think you’ve had enough.
FridayNext: I’m not done yet!
Scenario 2
FridayNext: Hi J-Man. Do you come here often?
J-Man: Hello Fri. This is where I shop for groceries.
FridayNext: Really? I was just in the neighbourhood by a coincidence and I needed…milk.
J-Man: They have good milk here. I buy it regularly.
FridayNext: Really?
J-Man: Sure. Wanna come up and listen to some music?
FridayNext: Up where?
J-Man: This is where I live.
FridayNext: Oh really? What a coincidence!
UniCorn: But you don’t know where he lives!
FridayNext: I know! Don’t rub it in! I just need to prod the boys and they’ll tell me. I’m sure of it.
UniCorn: Have you googled him?
FridayNext: Of course not! He’s too precious for that!
UniCorn: What the hell does that mean?
FridayNext: I need more alcohol.
Scenario 3
Knock knock knock
J-Man: Hello Fri. I heard you need some help with...whichever. I brought my toolbox.
FridayNext: Oh J-Man! You’re heaven sent!
UniCorn: Jesus Christ!
FridayNext: Shut up! It’s my scenario!
J-Man: Can I come in?
FridayNext: Sure! You can take off your clothes in my bedroom.
J-Man: Okay. Should I strip down to…
FridayNext: Yes please!
UniCorn: Is this a scenario for a porn flick?
FridayNext: Ssshhhhhhhh!
J-Man: Okay then. There…done.
FridayNext: Oh J-Man! That’s a massive toolbox you got there.
J-Man: *completely blank and flustered*
FridayNext: CENSORED BY MANAGEMENT
UniCorn: This is grossing me out, hon.
FridayNext: He would look great in my flat.
UniCorn: Where’s the check?
FridayNext: I would even cook him dinner now and again.
UniCorn: We should be heading home. The boys will be wondering…
FridayNext: He’d have a good time in my bed.
UniCorn: …shut up! You really need to sober up now.
Scenario 4
J-Man: Can I try your bike?
FridayNext: Oh. Well, I’m not sure. Can you ride it without scratching it?
J-Man: Sure I can.
FridayNext: I love my bike.
J-Man: I’ll be really gentle with it.
FridayNext: Okay… But only for a go around the block. And don’t change the speeds too quickly.
J-Man: I will and I won’t.
FridayNext: Okay…
J-Man: You need to let go before I can ride it.
FridayNext: Right…
UniCorn: What was all that about?
FridayNext: I miss my bike.
UniCorn: If you had to make a choice between your bike and J-Man, who would you choose?
FridayNext: Ken.
Scenario 5
Ken: Hello Friday.
FridayNext: Hi Ken. Working today, are you?
Ken: Sure am. Thought I’d seen you around lately.
FridayNext: Been shopping for food this week.
Ken: Right.
FridayNext: Yeah.
Ken: I was wondering…
FridayNext: Sure?
Ken: I know it’s a bit awkward, but would you like to go out with me?
FridayNext: Oh dear. Erm…sure, why not. What do you have in mind?
Ken: Dinner and a movie, perhaps?
FridayNext: Sounds great. When?
Ken: As soon as possible?
FridayNext: How about this Friday?
Ken: Which is also your name.
FridayNext: I know! Uncanny!
Ken: I love you already. You’re stunningly beautiful and I want to marry you and live with you until you die.
FridayNext: Okay then.
UniCorn: Waiter! If you don’t bring me that check now, we’ll leave without paying!
FridayNext: I wish he would say that to me.
UniCorn: I don’t know which fantasy you live in but apparently there are no dirty socks or burnt toast in it.
FridayNext: Sure there are. They’re called Matt and Spidey. I want J-Man. I want Ken. Oh! If I could have them both…could you imagine what it would be like?
UniCorn: I don’t see the attraction in the two. I’m sorry, hon, but they don’t do it for me in any way.
FridayNext: You’ve never seen Ken.
UniCorn: Sure I have. That one time…
Silence
FridayNext: What?
UniCorn: Oh Ken. KEN! Oh, I thought you said Ace. No, I have never seen Ken. I have no idea what he looks like. Is he old? Oldish?
FridayNext: He’s older than J-Man.
UniCorn: The check! This is on me, hon. And now, let’s go home to the boys.
FridayNext: He’s got great hair. And he looks limber.
UniCorn: Ace?
FridayNext: Ken! Aren’t you listening to me?
UniCorn: Sure, hon.
UniCornTextMessage: We’re heading home. She’s rambling, pissed and annoying.
SpideyTextMessage: Apart from the drunk part, what’s different about her today?
MattTextMessage: Are you bringing her home now?
UniCornTextMessage: Yeah. Your surprise better be good.
Matt: What surprise?
Spidey: Dunno.
Matt: Did you promise Uni…
Spidey: Oh! We’d surprise Fri with something nice when she comes home. To take the sting out of the reception blunder.
Matt: Well, bumping into Ace, J-Man and Ken in the living room ought to do it.
Spidey: We better get back to the flexi trax before the guys suspect anything.
Matt: And this time – you don’t win!
Spidey: Of course I will. I’m Spidey, remember?
UniCorn: I think you’ve had enough.
FridayNext: Pooh!
UniCorn: Excuse me, could we have the check, please?
FridayNext: I’m not going anywhere. Give me another strawberry daiquiri!
UniCorn: I think you’ve had enough, hon.
FridayNext: Two more daiquiris over here and hurry!
UniCorn: I’m fine. I don’t need another…
FridayNext: Not for you. You can order your own drinks.
UniCorn: Fri, I think we should…
FridayNext: Don’t! It’s not good for your brain to think. I’m still waiting for the drinks, waiter!
UniCorn: The boys are waiting up for you. We really should be getting home.
FridayNext: At last! Hey, if I take both straws then I can have double intake….
UniCorn: Could I have the check, please?
FridayNext: She wants a cosmo. She always wants a cosmo. Bring her a cosmo. She’ll shut up then. One cosmo and be quick about it.
UniCorn: I don’t want another drink. Just the check…
FridayNext: Oh shut up about the check!
Scenario 1
He walks into my office and says hello. In a very anti-Lionel Ritchie way, hopefully. And I go…oh, hello. And he goes: hi. And then…
J-Man: Thought I’d pop in and see how you are.
FridayNext: I’m fine. Just great. How’re you?
J-Man: Fine. Busy. But good.
FridayNext: Can I grope you a bit?
J-Man: Sure you can. Which arm?
FridayNext: Well, I like the left one the best. And I’d love to see your teeth as well.
J-Man: Oh, I can smile. Would that help?
FridayNext: Erm…you could open your mouth and let me see your front teeth. That’d do it for me.
J-Man: Okay. Like this?
FridayNext: *I turn into a jellyfish because that’s how handsome he is!*
UniCorn: You’re rambling!
FridayNext: It could have happened. If he hadn’t been carrying that box of heavy stuff.
UniCorn: Stuff like that would never happen. I think you’ve had enough.
FridayNext: I’m not done yet!
Scenario 2
FridayNext: Hi J-Man. Do you come here often?
J-Man: Hello Fri. This is where I shop for groceries.
FridayNext: Really? I was just in the neighbourhood by a coincidence and I needed…milk.
J-Man: They have good milk here. I buy it regularly.
FridayNext: Really?
J-Man: Sure. Wanna come up and listen to some music?
FridayNext: Up where?
J-Man: This is where I live.
FridayNext: Oh really? What a coincidence!
UniCorn: But you don’t know where he lives!
FridayNext: I know! Don’t rub it in! I just need to prod the boys and they’ll tell me. I’m sure of it.
UniCorn: Have you googled him?
FridayNext: Of course not! He’s too precious for that!
UniCorn: What the hell does that mean?
FridayNext: I need more alcohol.
Scenario 3
Knock knock knock
J-Man: Hello Fri. I heard you need some help with...whichever. I brought my toolbox.
FridayNext: Oh J-Man! You’re heaven sent!
UniCorn: Jesus Christ!
FridayNext: Shut up! It’s my scenario!
J-Man: Can I come in?
FridayNext: Sure! You can take off your clothes in my bedroom.
J-Man: Okay. Should I strip down to…
FridayNext: Yes please!
UniCorn: Is this a scenario for a porn flick?
FridayNext: Ssshhhhhhhh!
J-Man: Okay then. There…done.
FridayNext: Oh J-Man! That’s a massive toolbox you got there.
J-Man: *completely blank and flustered*
FridayNext: CENSORED BY MANAGEMENT
UniCorn: This is grossing me out, hon.
FridayNext: He would look great in my flat.
UniCorn: Where’s the check?
FridayNext: I would even cook him dinner now and again.
UniCorn: We should be heading home. The boys will be wondering…
FridayNext: He’d have a good time in my bed.
UniCorn: …shut up! You really need to sober up now.
Scenario 4
J-Man: Can I try your bike?
FridayNext: Oh. Well, I’m not sure. Can you ride it without scratching it?
J-Man: Sure I can.
FridayNext: I love my bike.
J-Man: I’ll be really gentle with it.
FridayNext: Okay… But only for a go around the block. And don’t change the speeds too quickly.
J-Man: I will and I won’t.
FridayNext: Okay…
J-Man: You need to let go before I can ride it.
FridayNext: Right…
UniCorn: What was all that about?
FridayNext: I miss my bike.
UniCorn: If you had to make a choice between your bike and J-Man, who would you choose?
FridayNext: Ken.
Scenario 5
Ken: Hello Friday.
FridayNext: Hi Ken. Working today, are you?
Ken: Sure am. Thought I’d seen you around lately.
FridayNext: Been shopping for food this week.
Ken: Right.
FridayNext: Yeah.
Ken: I was wondering…
FridayNext: Sure?
Ken: I know it’s a bit awkward, but would you like to go out with me?
FridayNext: Oh dear. Erm…sure, why not. What do you have in mind?
Ken: Dinner and a movie, perhaps?
FridayNext: Sounds great. When?
Ken: As soon as possible?
FridayNext: How about this Friday?
Ken: Which is also your name.
FridayNext: I know! Uncanny!
Ken: I love you already. You’re stunningly beautiful and I want to marry you and live with you until you die.
FridayNext: Okay then.
UniCorn: Waiter! If you don’t bring me that check now, we’ll leave without paying!
FridayNext: I wish he would say that to me.
UniCorn: I don’t know which fantasy you live in but apparently there are no dirty socks or burnt toast in it.
FridayNext: Sure there are. They’re called Matt and Spidey. I want J-Man. I want Ken. Oh! If I could have them both…could you imagine what it would be like?
UniCorn: I don’t see the attraction in the two. I’m sorry, hon, but they don’t do it for me in any way.
FridayNext: You’ve never seen Ken.
UniCorn: Sure I have. That one time…
Silence
FridayNext: What?
UniCorn: Oh Ken. KEN! Oh, I thought you said Ace. No, I have never seen Ken. I have no idea what he looks like. Is he old? Oldish?
FridayNext: He’s older than J-Man.
UniCorn: The check! This is on me, hon. And now, let’s go home to the boys.
FridayNext: He’s got great hair. And he looks limber.
UniCorn: Ace?
FridayNext: Ken! Aren’t you listening to me?
UniCorn: Sure, hon.
UniCornTextMessage: We’re heading home. She’s rambling, pissed and annoying.
SpideyTextMessage: Apart from the drunk part, what’s different about her today?
MattTextMessage: Are you bringing her home now?
UniCornTextMessage: Yeah. Your surprise better be good.
Matt: What surprise?
Spidey: Dunno.
Matt: Did you promise Uni…
Spidey: Oh! We’d surprise Fri with something nice when she comes home. To take the sting out of the reception blunder.
Matt: Well, bumping into Ace, J-Man and Ken in the living room ought to do it.
Spidey: We better get back to the flexi trax before the guys suspect anything.
Matt: And this time – you don’t win!
Spidey: Of course I will. I’m Spidey, remember?
Tuesday, 15 January 2008
Staying In
Ace: We’re lost!
J-Man: How can we be lost? We just got off the train.
Ace: I have never been here before. What kind of place is this?
J-Man: It’s called the suburbs, A.
Ace: I can barely breathe.
J-Man: Relax. I’ll guide you. I grew up in the countryside.
Ace: Amazing you turned out okay.
J-Man: Mr Big Banana.
Ace: Shut up!
J-Man: I’ll call Spidey for directions.
Matt: Hey! You’re here!
Ken: Sure. Told an underling to close up for me.
Matt: You’re powerful.
Ken: God yeah!
Spidey: Did you bring food?
Ken: Not real food.
Spidey: What?
Ken: Crap food. Stuff you love.
Spidey: Pizza, burgers, falafels – I believe I’m in love.
Silence
Spidey: For Chrissakes I’m turning into Friday!
Matt: You’re kinda embarrassing.
Ken: You’re a girl.
Spidey: Hey! Stop calling me names or I’ll web you!
Ken: *in a pretend meek voice* Oh no, please don’t.
Matt: *laughing out loud* Oh my god, I think we’ve found Ken’s Achilles’ heel. He loves your web.
Ken: No. No. Please don’t web me. It’ll be awful. I simply don’t know what to do if you web me…
Spidey: Shut up! You’re creeping me out!
Ken & Matt laugh in UniSon and high five each other.
J-Man: Oh…
Ace: I knew it!
J-Man: Chill, A.
Ace: Are we there yet? We’ve been walking for ever.
J-Man: Or at least fifteen minutes. According to Spidey it should be here.
Ace: They live HERE?
J-Man: Apparently.
Ace: It’s halfway in the countryside and then in a high-rise. This is the ugliest building I’ve ever seen.
J-Man: There’ll be food and flexi-trax.
Ace: Lead on!
UniCorn: It had nothing to do with you, I’m sure of that.
FridayNext: I know that’s not true. They fled like whatever. The moment they saw me, they couldn’t get out of the reception soon enough.
UniCorn: You’re overreacting, hon.
FridayNext: Oh am I? Did you see the look on J-Man’s face when I accidentally stroked his arm? Did you?
UniCorn: You kinda clawed him and wouldn’t let go.
FridayNext: No I didn’t!
UniCorn: Alright.
FridayNext: I didn’t mean to.
UniCorn: I know.
FridayNext: Stupid…stupid…stupid!
UniCorn: But you talked to a lot of people. Almost everybody came over to you and wanted to speak to you.
FridayNext: But they left! They left, Uni! Left!
UniCorn: Okaaaay, you’re repeating yourself a bit here.
FridayNext: Oh I’m sorry. Am I boring you? Like I bored the living daylights out of the GraphicDesignBoys? Ah?
UniCorn: Your voice is hitting only shrill notes…
FridayNext: It’s so unfair! I got stuck with ObnoxiousMenNumerous and all I wanted to do was spend some quality time with J-Man and Ace. I could have groped them both. In stereo.
A cell phone conversation:
Spidey: Whatsup?
UniCorn: Not Fri’s good humoured self, I can tell you that.
Spidey: What?
UniCorn: The reception was a bust.
Spidey: Reception?
UniCorn: At work.
Spidey: Huh?
UniCorn: She’s been looking forward to the reception for a month because Ace and J-Man were invited and they left within a nanosecond.
Spidey: When?
UniCorn: Today! Where’s your head?!
Spidey: There was a reception at work today?
UniCorn: Spidey!
Spidey: Matt and I are playing with flexi-trax. Sorry.
Ken: You are so out, Matt! I win! Flip me a slice, loser!
UniCorn: What’s that noise?
Spidey: Nothing. Matt has the telly on.
UniCorn: Anyway. I’ll suggest that we go out and eat on our way home. Perhaps that’ll calm her down. I just wanted to ask if you guys wanna come.
Ace: In your freakin’ face, Ken! Blood or no blood on the trax! Who’s the loser now? Huh?!
Spidey: Oh we have already eaten. We didn’t know. She said we shouldn’t wait up for her. So we ate. Already. Ha ha ha.
UniCorn: You’re weird tonight. I’ll take her out.
Spidey: Call me when you’re heading home, okay?
UniCorn: Yeah. It’ll be nice if you could surprise her when she comes home.
Spidey: Oh we can surprise her no end. Just call, okay? In time for us to clean…come up with a surprise.
UniCorn: Okay. Let me talk to Matt!
Spidey: Sorry, he’s too busy at the moment.
Matt: If you stomp on my car one more time, I’ll kick your scrawny butt, J-Man!
J-Man: Oh, is this your car? THIS one? Ohhhhhhhh, I accidentally touched it with my foot. Oh no, what to do now…
Matt: That’s it! I’m gonna…
Spidey: Gotta go. Bye!
UniCorn: Cheer up, sweetie. You love Chinese.
FridayNext: Yeah…
UniCorn: Come on. We’ll hit the buffet and eat only fried food!
FridayNext: Okay…
UniCorn: Stop moping, please. You’re sucking the fun out of the food.
FridayNext: Sorry!
Spidey: I’m the champion! I’m unbeatable!
J-Man: Only because you cheat!
Spidey: Touchy, J-Man.
Matt: Throw me a falafel.
Ace: Here! Oh no! It landed behind the telly.
Matt: Hit me again.
Ace: Here…
J-Man: Oh my god, you’re lame at throwing. Let me try.
Ken: Behind the sofa.
Matt: You’re nowhere near the armchair where I am. Try again!
Ken: Here – open your mouth and let me see if I can…
Matt: Just throw it and I’ll catch it with my hand. It’s too big to go into my mouth.
Silence
Spidey: Oh my god.
Ace: *giggles* Mr Big Banana.
Ken: I’m gonna puke now!
J-Man: But it’s just food.
Matt: What’s wrong with us?!
Spidey: By the way…where were you when I called you, Ace?
J-Man: I still have marks on my arm…wanna see?
Ace: We were at a reception. Business.
J-Man: Look. You can see the outlines of finger nails if you look closely.
Ken: Ouch. Gotta hurt.
J-Man: I was more surprised than hurt.
Ken: Who did it?
Ace: A business partner.
Ken: Stay away from that partner, dude.
Ace: The stories we could tell.
J-Man: She’s alright. She’s just…a bit…different. She’s really professional.
Ace: Sometimes.
J-Man: Sometimes. Most of the time. Well, sometimes.
Ace: She built a look-alike snowman of you, J!
Ken: *snorting falafel out of his nose* What?!
Ace: One day we come to work and this snowman is on our front steps. It has J’s torso and face. And it’s anatomically correct. Well done.
Spidey: Well hung.
Silence
Spidey: Please knock me out!
Matt: Love to but…but…oh! Oh oh oh!
Spidey: Yup. I really need your help in the kitchen, Matt.
Ken: What the hell is wrong with you guys?
Matt: Plates! We’ve been eating without plates. Oh my god, what were we thinking! Back in a flash!
Ace: And we’re supposed to be the gay ones?
J-Man: We should put some music on. Wonder what kind of music they listen to.
Ken: Not Cliff Richard I bet.
J-Man: Sad. Everybody should have Cliff in their collection.
Matt: You called Ace while they were at the reception!
Spidey: I forgot about the reception!
Matt: She’s gonna kill us! As if it’s not bad enough that our new best friends are her major crushes, now we have ruined her reception as well!
Spidey: Imagine if she knew they are all here, in her flat. Two seconds away from her bedroom.
Silence
Matt: She’ll kill me if she ever finds out!
Spidey: I won’t exactly win the best friend award either.
Matt: Okay, we need to get the guys out of the flat before she comes home.
Spidey: Uni has taken her out to dinner.
Matt: Great. That’ll give us some time.
Spidey: Apparently Ace and J-Man haven’t noticed whose flat they’re in.
Matt: They must never know!
Spidey: My lips are sealed.
Matt: I wish they were. You’ve been rambling all night.
Spidey: I know! It’s like I’ve taken over Fri’s sense of humour.
Matt: Better leave it here in the kitchen. Let’s play with the guys and then out they go.
Spidey: Alright!
Matt: I can’t believe I just said that!
J-Man: How can we be lost? We just got off the train.
Ace: I have never been here before. What kind of place is this?
J-Man: It’s called the suburbs, A.
Ace: I can barely breathe.
J-Man: Relax. I’ll guide you. I grew up in the countryside.
Ace: Amazing you turned out okay.
J-Man: Mr Big Banana.
Ace: Shut up!
J-Man: I’ll call Spidey for directions.
Matt: Hey! You’re here!
Ken: Sure. Told an underling to close up for me.
Matt: You’re powerful.
Ken: God yeah!
Spidey: Did you bring food?
Ken: Not real food.
Spidey: What?
Ken: Crap food. Stuff you love.
Spidey: Pizza, burgers, falafels – I believe I’m in love.
Silence
Spidey: For Chrissakes I’m turning into Friday!
Matt: You’re kinda embarrassing.
Ken: You’re a girl.
Spidey: Hey! Stop calling me names or I’ll web you!
Ken: *in a pretend meek voice* Oh no, please don’t.
Matt: *laughing out loud* Oh my god, I think we’ve found Ken’s Achilles’ heel. He loves your web.
Ken: No. No. Please don’t web me. It’ll be awful. I simply don’t know what to do if you web me…
Spidey: Shut up! You’re creeping me out!
Ken & Matt laugh in UniSon and high five each other.
J-Man: Oh…
Ace: I knew it!
J-Man: Chill, A.
Ace: Are we there yet? We’ve been walking for ever.
J-Man: Or at least fifteen minutes. According to Spidey it should be here.
Ace: They live HERE?
J-Man: Apparently.
Ace: It’s halfway in the countryside and then in a high-rise. This is the ugliest building I’ve ever seen.
J-Man: There’ll be food and flexi-trax.
Ace: Lead on!
UniCorn: It had nothing to do with you, I’m sure of that.
FridayNext: I know that’s not true. They fled like whatever. The moment they saw me, they couldn’t get out of the reception soon enough.
UniCorn: You’re overreacting, hon.
FridayNext: Oh am I? Did you see the look on J-Man’s face when I accidentally stroked his arm? Did you?
UniCorn: You kinda clawed him and wouldn’t let go.
FridayNext: No I didn’t!
UniCorn: Alright.
FridayNext: I didn’t mean to.
UniCorn: I know.
FridayNext: Stupid…stupid…stupid!
UniCorn: But you talked to a lot of people. Almost everybody came over to you and wanted to speak to you.
FridayNext: But they left! They left, Uni! Left!
UniCorn: Okaaaay, you’re repeating yourself a bit here.
FridayNext: Oh I’m sorry. Am I boring you? Like I bored the living daylights out of the GraphicDesignBoys? Ah?
UniCorn: Your voice is hitting only shrill notes…
FridayNext: It’s so unfair! I got stuck with ObnoxiousMenNumerous and all I wanted to do was spend some quality time with J-Man and Ace. I could have groped them both. In stereo.
A cell phone conversation:
Spidey: Whatsup?
UniCorn: Not Fri’s good humoured self, I can tell you that.
Spidey: What?
UniCorn: The reception was a bust.
Spidey: Reception?
UniCorn: At work.
Spidey: Huh?
UniCorn: She’s been looking forward to the reception for a month because Ace and J-Man were invited and they left within a nanosecond.
Spidey: When?
UniCorn: Today! Where’s your head?!
Spidey: There was a reception at work today?
UniCorn: Spidey!
Spidey: Matt and I are playing with flexi-trax. Sorry.
Ken: You are so out, Matt! I win! Flip me a slice, loser!
UniCorn: What’s that noise?
Spidey: Nothing. Matt has the telly on.
UniCorn: Anyway. I’ll suggest that we go out and eat on our way home. Perhaps that’ll calm her down. I just wanted to ask if you guys wanna come.
Ace: In your freakin’ face, Ken! Blood or no blood on the trax! Who’s the loser now? Huh?!
Spidey: Oh we have already eaten. We didn’t know. She said we shouldn’t wait up for her. So we ate. Already. Ha ha ha.
UniCorn: You’re weird tonight. I’ll take her out.
Spidey: Call me when you’re heading home, okay?
UniCorn: Yeah. It’ll be nice if you could surprise her when she comes home.
Spidey: Oh we can surprise her no end. Just call, okay? In time for us to clean…come up with a surprise.
UniCorn: Okay. Let me talk to Matt!
Spidey: Sorry, he’s too busy at the moment.
Matt: If you stomp on my car one more time, I’ll kick your scrawny butt, J-Man!
J-Man: Oh, is this your car? THIS one? Ohhhhhhhh, I accidentally touched it with my foot. Oh no, what to do now…
Matt: That’s it! I’m gonna…
Spidey: Gotta go. Bye!
UniCorn: Cheer up, sweetie. You love Chinese.
FridayNext: Yeah…
UniCorn: Come on. We’ll hit the buffet and eat only fried food!
FridayNext: Okay…
UniCorn: Stop moping, please. You’re sucking the fun out of the food.
FridayNext: Sorry!
Spidey: I’m the champion! I’m unbeatable!
J-Man: Only because you cheat!
Spidey: Touchy, J-Man.
Matt: Throw me a falafel.
Ace: Here! Oh no! It landed behind the telly.
Matt: Hit me again.
Ace: Here…
J-Man: Oh my god, you’re lame at throwing. Let me try.
Ken: Behind the sofa.
Matt: You’re nowhere near the armchair where I am. Try again!
Ken: Here – open your mouth and let me see if I can…
Matt: Just throw it and I’ll catch it with my hand. It’s too big to go into my mouth.
Silence
Spidey: Oh my god.
Ace: *giggles* Mr Big Banana.
Ken: I’m gonna puke now!
J-Man: But it’s just food.
Matt: What’s wrong with us?!
Spidey: By the way…where were you when I called you, Ace?
J-Man: I still have marks on my arm…wanna see?
Ace: We were at a reception. Business.
J-Man: Look. You can see the outlines of finger nails if you look closely.
Ken: Ouch. Gotta hurt.
J-Man: I was more surprised than hurt.
Ken: Who did it?
Ace: A business partner.
Ken: Stay away from that partner, dude.
Ace: The stories we could tell.
J-Man: She’s alright. She’s just…a bit…different. She’s really professional.
Ace: Sometimes.
J-Man: Sometimes. Most of the time. Well, sometimes.
Ace: She built a look-alike snowman of you, J!
Ken: *snorting falafel out of his nose* What?!
Ace: One day we come to work and this snowman is on our front steps. It has J’s torso and face. And it’s anatomically correct. Well done.
Spidey: Well hung.
Silence
Spidey: Please knock me out!
Matt: Love to but…but…oh! Oh oh oh!
Spidey: Yup. I really need your help in the kitchen, Matt.
Ken: What the hell is wrong with you guys?
Matt: Plates! We’ve been eating without plates. Oh my god, what were we thinking! Back in a flash!
Ace: And we’re supposed to be the gay ones?
J-Man: We should put some music on. Wonder what kind of music they listen to.
Ken: Not Cliff Richard I bet.
J-Man: Sad. Everybody should have Cliff in their collection.
Matt: You called Ace while they were at the reception!
Spidey: I forgot about the reception!
Matt: She’s gonna kill us! As if it’s not bad enough that our new best friends are her major crushes, now we have ruined her reception as well!
Spidey: Imagine if she knew they are all here, in her flat. Two seconds away from her bedroom.
Silence
Matt: She’ll kill me if she ever finds out!
Spidey: I won’t exactly win the best friend award either.
Matt: Okay, we need to get the guys out of the flat before she comes home.
Spidey: Uni has taken her out to dinner.
Matt: Great. That’ll give us some time.
Spidey: Apparently Ace and J-Man haven’t noticed whose flat they’re in.
Matt: They must never know!
Spidey: My lips are sealed.
Matt: I wish they were. You’ve been rambling all night.
Spidey: I know! It’s like I’ve taken over Fri’s sense of humour.
Matt: Better leave it here in the kitchen. Let’s play with the guys and then out they go.
Spidey: Alright!
Matt: I can’t believe I just said that!
Monday, 14 January 2008
Leaving in a Hurry
This is the day that FridayNext has been secretly looking forward to since mid-December. Everything has been planned and nobody seems to have noticed that she only has one thing on her mind: to get close to J-Man; to feel him up; to chat him up; to stalk him to death; to snog the living daylights out of him.
Of course she knows that she may not be able to make all the plans come true, but she’s going to try her very hardest to at least get physically close without Ace noticing; without TheBoss noticing; without the entire party of authors, production executives, marketing people and the important people of the business school noticing.
Final preparations: done. The office: tidied beyond belief – it’s never been this clean and neat. Outfit: smashing and new, even put on a skirt to show off a bit. It’s ten minutes to show time. The nerves have not yet set in. It’s all going according to plan.
ObnoxiousMan1: Hi Friday. How’s it hanging? Can I crash here? I have numerous questions, little social skills and lots of obnoxious behaviour.
FridayNext: Oh…hello. Yeah, please come in. You can hang your coat…here, on this chair. Can I get you something to drink?
ObnoxiousMan1: *drones on and on about his camera and new job*
FridayNext: *working hard to bring drinks to the various tables and simultaneously acting interested in the endless word-stream from ObnoxiousMan1* Oh really? You don’t say? That’s fascinating.
ObnoxiousMan1: And then I thought that I could check out your servers. Where are they? In here? But the door is locked. Do you have a key? Where are you going with all those beers? Wait, I’ll come with you…
FridayNext: *about to be too stressed to be polite; carrying six full beer bottles to one of the tables in the reception area, only listening half-heartedly to ObnoxiousMan1* If you could just wait a second I’ll get the key…
She sees the table in front of her – and then she accidentally turns her head to the left and there…there he is. He carries a heavy box of stuff and all she can think of is: oh no! I can’t hug him now!
ObnoxiousMan1: I never thought that you had the servers here, in this actual area.
FridayNext: *gasping for air, putting down the beer bottles, trying to straightening her hair at the same time* Oh hello, J-Man and Ace.
The words come out abrupt and shrill, and her smile is too wide. ObnoxiousMan1 stands in the way of the two coolest men on the face of the earth.
J-Man: Hi Friday. Where would you like these leaflets?
FridayNext: Oh! Come with me! In my office. I can show you the way. This way.
ObnoxiousMan1: *stands in everybody’s way*
FridayNext turns around and glimpses UniCorn to the right. She lights up but then remembers that the guys are behind her – and ObnoxiousMan1 is following her as well. UniCorn smiles and gives her thumbs up but it only results in FridayNext turning red like a tomato in her face.
FridayNext: Hhhhere we are. Here. This. My office. It’s white. Got white walls. Come in.
Ace: Where should we put them?
FridayNext: Oh god. Under the table. Yeah, that sounds great. Under the table. Maaah haaaah!
The guys put both boxes under the table and turn around to face FridayNext who stands four steps away from them, not too sure of herself, not sure if her plan will ever work. J-Man looks deliciously young and tender (she could easily eat him for breakfast every single day) – Ace looks absolutely ravishing with his dark hair and brown eyes, looking down on her. Two seconds of silence. ObnoxiousMan1 has withdrawn to TheBoss’ office for a brief encounter with TheBoss. Ace makes a move. He reaches out his right hand to greet FridayNext, and now…now is the time for being bold and clingy! So she leaps forward, takes his right hand and then surprises him by jumping into his chest and hugging him. He freezes up for a second then hugs her back.
FridayNext: *super-score to me* Happy New Year, Ace.
Ace: Happy New Year.
FridayNext: Happy New Year, J-Man.
J-Man: Happy New Year, Friday.
And she walks stately over to J-Man and hugs him. She tries not to grope him; she tries not to glue herself to his chest. It takes all her stamina to let go and pretend that hey – it’s just the way I greet everybody these days; nothing wrong in hugging some business partners.
ObnoxiousMan1: So…do you have the keys for the room?
The guys leave her office and walk into the reception area much to FridayNext’s dismay being stuck in the room with ObnoxiousMan1.
UniCorn: Hey you guys! Aw, you look smashing! How are you?
Silence
UniCorn: I’m UniCorn. We met briefly some months ago.
Ace: Right? How are you?
UniCorn: I’ve heard so much about you two from Fri.
FridayNext: *overhearing the disastrous comment without being able to stop UniCorn because she’s stuck in the room with ObnoxiousMan1* Oh god!
ObnoxiousMan1: I know. It’s too fascinating to believe!
UniCorn: What the hell are you doing? The guys are loitering on their own!
FridayNext: I finally managed to shake off ObnoxiousMan1! Where are they? I want to…to…oh my gawd, Uni. He’s delightful!
UniCorn: Young. He’s YOUNG!
FridayNext: I love him. I love him!!!
UniCorn: Go speak to him.
FridayNext: I don’t know what to say!
UniCorn: Go!
UniCorn pushes FridayNext into the reception area and she makes an entry that nobody forgets when she barges in, nearly catches on fire from the various lit candles in the window sill and then baaah haaaahs in a loud and shrill voice. Everybody has a drink in their hand. J-Man is standing in the opposite end of the room and Ace stands next to her. There’s no way she can easily walk over to J-Man and begin a casual conversation. For a second she forgets that Ace is standing next to her and she leans into him because the candles are burning her bum. He looks down at her in surprise and then she withdraws immediately, remembering that he’s not UniCorn.
UniCorn, however, has wormed her way over to J-Man and stands next to him. She’s taller than him. She hand signals to FridayNext without caring if Ace sees her. FridayNext is once again red in her face.
J-Man: So Friday.
FridayNext nearly has a heart attack and gasps for air. She is so surprised that she doesn’t hear what J-Man says. Instead she puts on the worst smile ever and pretends all is well. He looks at her and then looks at Ace. She nods. In an attempt to show that she did indeed hear him. Everything sounds like the sea. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssss – waves!
Matt: All night to ourselves.
Spidey: Home alone. What to do?
Matt: Bored with the flexi-trax.
Spidey: Yeah. Hey!
Matt: What?
Spidey: One thing we haven’t tried yet.
Matt: Do I want to hear this?
Spidey: Yes you do. I’ll make a couple of calls…
ObnoxiousMan2: Hi Friday. How are you? Been a long time!
FridayNext: Hello. How are you?
UniCorn hand signals that she’ll look after J-Man and Ace when ObnoxiousMan2 drags FridayNext away from the reception area to talk at length about a book project that simply will revolutionise the world. Or something to that effect.
Ace: I’m sorry. My cell phone…
UniCorn: Oh! It’s a bit rude. You’re at a reception.
Ace: Ahm? Excuse me…I really have to take this.
UniCorn: So how are you, J-Man?
J-Man: *clearing his throat* I’m fine. Just fine.
UniCorn: You work with Fri?
J-Man: Sometimes, yeah.
UniCorn: She’s great at what she does.
J-Man: Indeed.
AceCellPhone: Where? Now? Half an hour. Tops. See ya.
UniCorn: She has a great sense of …
Ace: J, we need to leave.
J-Man: Oh. I’m sorry, UniCorn. We have to leave.
UniCorn: What?!
Ace: Meeting. We can’t get out of it. Very important.
UniCorn: You better say goodbye to Fri!
J-Man: Sure. Bye. It was nice meeting you.
Ace: Yeah. Nice.
UniCorn: *bursting to be rude* Likewise.
ObnoxiousMan3: Hey Friday. There you are! Oh hello. I didn’t know you were here as well.
ObnoxiousMan2: I was invited as well. How are you?
ObnoxoiusMan3: Fine. So Friday…
Ace: Pssst! Fri, we have to leave. We’ll see you.
FridayNext: What?!
J-Man: Bye Fri.
FridayNext: What the hell? Wait!
In desperation she grabs on to J-Man’s left arm and yanks him back a bit. He smiles politely but he’s too powerful for her.
FridayNext: *mumbling to whoever will hear her* Can I keep you?
J-Man: I really have to go. Bye.
UniCorn stands in the corner and shrugs to FridayNext after J-Man has freed himself from FridayNext’s tentacles.
Ace: It’s the westbound train, I think.
J-Man: Right.
Ace: Lots of people at the reception.
J-Man: Yeah.
Ace: You’re quiet. More than usual.
J-Man: She grabbed me.
Ace: She hugged us.
J-Man: She asked if she could keep me.
Ace: She’s just…just…eccentric.
J-Man: She really put all her stamina into it.
Ace: The hug?
J-Man: The hug was okay. I could barely feel it. But she really grabbed my arm tightly.
Ace: Well, we’re gonna kick some butt in half an hour.
J-Man: I tell ya, if Spidey cheats again, I’m gonna yell at him!
Ace: You do that.
Of course she knows that she may not be able to make all the plans come true, but she’s going to try her very hardest to at least get physically close without Ace noticing; without TheBoss noticing; without the entire party of authors, production executives, marketing people and the important people of the business school noticing.
Final preparations: done. The office: tidied beyond belief – it’s never been this clean and neat. Outfit: smashing and new, even put on a skirt to show off a bit. It’s ten minutes to show time. The nerves have not yet set in. It’s all going according to plan.
ObnoxiousMan1: Hi Friday. How’s it hanging? Can I crash here? I have numerous questions, little social skills and lots of obnoxious behaviour.
FridayNext: Oh…hello. Yeah, please come in. You can hang your coat…here, on this chair. Can I get you something to drink?
ObnoxiousMan1: *drones on and on about his camera and new job*
FridayNext: *working hard to bring drinks to the various tables and simultaneously acting interested in the endless word-stream from ObnoxiousMan1* Oh really? You don’t say? That’s fascinating.
ObnoxiousMan1: And then I thought that I could check out your servers. Where are they? In here? But the door is locked. Do you have a key? Where are you going with all those beers? Wait, I’ll come with you…
FridayNext: *about to be too stressed to be polite; carrying six full beer bottles to one of the tables in the reception area, only listening half-heartedly to ObnoxiousMan1* If you could just wait a second I’ll get the key…
She sees the table in front of her – and then she accidentally turns her head to the left and there…there he is. He carries a heavy box of stuff and all she can think of is: oh no! I can’t hug him now!
ObnoxiousMan1: I never thought that you had the servers here, in this actual area.
FridayNext: *gasping for air, putting down the beer bottles, trying to straightening her hair at the same time* Oh hello, J-Man and Ace.
The words come out abrupt and shrill, and her smile is too wide. ObnoxiousMan1 stands in the way of the two coolest men on the face of the earth.
J-Man: Hi Friday. Where would you like these leaflets?
FridayNext: Oh! Come with me! In my office. I can show you the way. This way.
ObnoxiousMan1: *stands in everybody’s way*
FridayNext turns around and glimpses UniCorn to the right. She lights up but then remembers that the guys are behind her – and ObnoxiousMan1 is following her as well. UniCorn smiles and gives her thumbs up but it only results in FridayNext turning red like a tomato in her face.
FridayNext: Hhhhere we are. Here. This. My office. It’s white. Got white walls. Come in.
Ace: Where should we put them?
FridayNext: Oh god. Under the table. Yeah, that sounds great. Under the table. Maaah haaaah!
The guys put both boxes under the table and turn around to face FridayNext who stands four steps away from them, not too sure of herself, not sure if her plan will ever work. J-Man looks deliciously young and tender (she could easily eat him for breakfast every single day) – Ace looks absolutely ravishing with his dark hair and brown eyes, looking down on her. Two seconds of silence. ObnoxiousMan1 has withdrawn to TheBoss’ office for a brief encounter with TheBoss. Ace makes a move. He reaches out his right hand to greet FridayNext, and now…now is the time for being bold and clingy! So she leaps forward, takes his right hand and then surprises him by jumping into his chest and hugging him. He freezes up for a second then hugs her back.
FridayNext: *super-score to me* Happy New Year, Ace.
Ace: Happy New Year.
FridayNext: Happy New Year, J-Man.
J-Man: Happy New Year, Friday.
And she walks stately over to J-Man and hugs him. She tries not to grope him; she tries not to glue herself to his chest. It takes all her stamina to let go and pretend that hey – it’s just the way I greet everybody these days; nothing wrong in hugging some business partners.
ObnoxiousMan1: So…do you have the keys for the room?
The guys leave her office and walk into the reception area much to FridayNext’s dismay being stuck in the room with ObnoxiousMan1.
UniCorn: Hey you guys! Aw, you look smashing! How are you?
Silence
UniCorn: I’m UniCorn. We met briefly some months ago.
Ace: Right? How are you?
UniCorn: I’ve heard so much about you two from Fri.
FridayNext: *overhearing the disastrous comment without being able to stop UniCorn because she’s stuck in the room with ObnoxiousMan1* Oh god!
ObnoxiousMan1: I know. It’s too fascinating to believe!
UniCorn: What the hell are you doing? The guys are loitering on their own!
FridayNext: I finally managed to shake off ObnoxiousMan1! Where are they? I want to…to…oh my gawd, Uni. He’s delightful!
UniCorn: Young. He’s YOUNG!
FridayNext: I love him. I love him!!!
UniCorn: Go speak to him.
FridayNext: I don’t know what to say!
UniCorn: Go!
UniCorn pushes FridayNext into the reception area and she makes an entry that nobody forgets when she barges in, nearly catches on fire from the various lit candles in the window sill and then baaah haaaahs in a loud and shrill voice. Everybody has a drink in their hand. J-Man is standing in the opposite end of the room and Ace stands next to her. There’s no way she can easily walk over to J-Man and begin a casual conversation. For a second she forgets that Ace is standing next to her and she leans into him because the candles are burning her bum. He looks down at her in surprise and then she withdraws immediately, remembering that he’s not UniCorn.
UniCorn, however, has wormed her way over to J-Man and stands next to him. She’s taller than him. She hand signals to FridayNext without caring if Ace sees her. FridayNext is once again red in her face.
J-Man: So Friday.
FridayNext nearly has a heart attack and gasps for air. She is so surprised that she doesn’t hear what J-Man says. Instead she puts on the worst smile ever and pretends all is well. He looks at her and then looks at Ace. She nods. In an attempt to show that she did indeed hear him. Everything sounds like the sea. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssss – waves!
Matt: All night to ourselves.
Spidey: Home alone. What to do?
Matt: Bored with the flexi-trax.
Spidey: Yeah. Hey!
Matt: What?
Spidey: One thing we haven’t tried yet.
Matt: Do I want to hear this?
Spidey: Yes you do. I’ll make a couple of calls…
ObnoxiousMan2: Hi Friday. How are you? Been a long time!
FridayNext: Hello. How are you?
UniCorn hand signals that she’ll look after J-Man and Ace when ObnoxiousMan2 drags FridayNext away from the reception area to talk at length about a book project that simply will revolutionise the world. Or something to that effect.
Ace: I’m sorry. My cell phone…
UniCorn: Oh! It’s a bit rude. You’re at a reception.
Ace: Ahm? Excuse me…I really have to take this.
UniCorn: So how are you, J-Man?
J-Man: *clearing his throat* I’m fine. Just fine.
UniCorn: You work with Fri?
J-Man: Sometimes, yeah.
UniCorn: She’s great at what she does.
J-Man: Indeed.
AceCellPhone: Where? Now? Half an hour. Tops. See ya.
UniCorn: She has a great sense of …
Ace: J, we need to leave.
J-Man: Oh. I’m sorry, UniCorn. We have to leave.
UniCorn: What?!
Ace: Meeting. We can’t get out of it. Very important.
UniCorn: You better say goodbye to Fri!
J-Man: Sure. Bye. It was nice meeting you.
Ace: Yeah. Nice.
UniCorn: *bursting to be rude* Likewise.
ObnoxiousMan3: Hey Friday. There you are! Oh hello. I didn’t know you were here as well.
ObnoxiousMan2: I was invited as well. How are you?
ObnoxoiusMan3: Fine. So Friday…
Ace: Pssst! Fri, we have to leave. We’ll see you.
FridayNext: What?!
J-Man: Bye Fri.
FridayNext: What the hell? Wait!
In desperation she grabs on to J-Man’s left arm and yanks him back a bit. He smiles politely but he’s too powerful for her.
FridayNext: *mumbling to whoever will hear her* Can I keep you?
J-Man: I really have to go. Bye.
UniCorn stands in the corner and shrugs to FridayNext after J-Man has freed himself from FridayNext’s tentacles.
Ace: It’s the westbound train, I think.
J-Man: Right.
Ace: Lots of people at the reception.
J-Man: Yeah.
Ace: You’re quiet. More than usual.
J-Man: She grabbed me.
Ace: She hugged us.
J-Man: She asked if she could keep me.
Ace: She’s just…just…eccentric.
J-Man: She really put all her stamina into it.
Ace: The hug?
J-Man: The hug was okay. I could barely feel it. But she really grabbed my arm tightly.
Ace: Well, we’re gonna kick some butt in half an hour.
J-Man: I tell ya, if Spidey cheats again, I’m gonna yell at him!
Ace: You do that.
Sunday, 13 January 2008
FLASH BAM ALAKAZAM!
Spidey: Where the hell have you been?
UniCorn: On the road. It’s not easy to be a chess champion’s fiancée, I tell you. There are groupies in every freaking town!
Spidey: *looking at her in disbelief* Of course you’re kidding.
UniCorn: No I’m not. You wouldn’t believe how little self-respect some women have when they meet a famous person.
Matt: Hi Uni. Happy New Year.
UniCorn: Matt! Honey! Happy New Year. Let me hug you!
UniCorn practically bulldozes Spidey out of her way and leaps into Matt’s arms and holds on tightly and then she kisses him on each cheek. Matt pats her on her back and smiles politely. Spidey watches the incident and then snorts loudly.
Spidey: Yeah, you wouldn’t believe how pathetic some people behave at times.
Matt: Fri is in the bedroom. She’s been talking about you non stop for days now.
Spidey: Fortunately we have earplugs so we have tuned her out.
Matt: Spidey…
UniCorn: Why is she in the bedroom?
Spidey: Ha ha ha!
Matt: Well…
Spidey: Poet laureate is not what springs to mind.
Matt: It’s a New Year’s resolution. She’ll explain if you ask her.
UniCorn: What did you do for New Year’s?
Spidey: Later. Our series is on.
Matt: Yeah, later.
UniCorn walks into the bedroom and finds FridayNext in deep concentration looking out the window from the bed. UniCorn yammers on for seconds before she realises that FridayNext has her mp3 player on and is oblivious to UniCorn’s rantings.
UniCorn: Oi! Pull the plug on the music. I’m in the house!
FridayNext: Uni! Uni! Uni!
Minutes go by with screaming, giggling, hugging and erratic behaviour.
UniCorn: What are you up to?
FridayNext: I’m trying to get a hold of my emotions by writing down my thoughts.
UniCorn: Sounds awfully boring.
FridayNext: It is. But I’ve come up with a poem.
UniCorn: Have the boys read it?
FridayNext: Not it’s its entirety. Wanna read it?
UniCorn: Sure.
Ode to Bike
It’s been two days
And I have missed you terribly
I find you safe and sound in the dark cellar
White despite the grime
With grey V-shaped stripes
And grippin’ handlebars
I love you so much
When we go on our rides every day
From Monday to Friday
Oh and that’s my name as well!
We become one
Ewwwwwwwwww
Pedalling and pedalling
Lights on and off
The hour each way gives me time
To wonder about the great and small things in life
I have known J-Man for more than nine months now
By now he ought to have borne our child
We rarely argue
Usually we agree on the speed
And you have eight of them – kickin’
I can back-pedal which is a lot of fun
But J-Man refuses to try you
Probably scared to fall head over heels in love with you
I’m sorry I yelled at you the other day
But I had on my kick-ass bike helmet
Ready to get pumped for an hour
And then you go against synchronicity
Forcing me on a train
Dorky looking and carrying duck food by hand
Still….
I love you
I love J-Man
I love UniCorn
I love Spidey
I tolerate Matt...
UniCorn: Aw, you love me! I love you!
FridayNext: We love each other!
UniCorn: So…
FridayNext: Yeah…
UniCorn: New year.
FridayNext: Yeah.
UniCorn: ChessBoy is famous now.
FridayNext: What’s it like?
UniCorn: Awful!
FridayNext: Yeah. Unbelievably annoying when people grope your man.
UniCorn: Hint taken!
FridayNext: Kidding! You can grope Matt whenever!
Matt: What if she asks us again?
Spidey: Ignore her.
Matt: That’s rude.
Spidey: Just…hug her and she’ll forget all about it. Shhhh, I want to see this.
UniCorn: Did they play with the Flexi-Trax?
FridayNext: Did they ever! There’ve been tracks all over the place.
UniCorn: What did they do for New Year?
FridayNext: Dunno.
UniCorn: What did you do?
FridayNext: Went to bed.
UniCorn: Oh.
FridayNext: A-n-y-w-a-y! There’s a reception at work!
UniCorn: So?
FridayNext: J-Man and Ace will be there!
UniCorn: Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?
FridayNext: Well, if you’re not sure if you’d like to come, I won’t ask you…
UniCorn: Maaahh haaaahhh! Can I grope them?
FridayNext: The only reason they’re invited is so I can grope them.
UniCorn: And me!
FridayNext: It’s always about you, honey.
UniCorn: Darling.
FridayNext: Okay, you can grope them. But let me grope them first.
UniCorn: Hi Boys.
Spidey: You’re talking!
UniCorn: Sherlock! So you didn’t stay in on New Year’s?
Matt: Come and sit here on the sofa with me, Uni.
UniCorn: Sure! So where did you go?
Spidey: I can’t hear what they’re saying!
Matt: Just here and there. And you?
UniCorn: With ChessBoy at some lame convention. Did you see fireworks?
Spidey: Oh woman, it’s New Year’s. Of course we saw fireworks!
UniCorn: Look, I’m trying to coax the truth out of you guys so stop being so rude!
Spidey: You can’t handle the truth!
Matt: And I’m the corny one?
Spidey: I’ll give you that one. It’s too far out.
UniCorn: So where did you go?
Matt: We just hung out with some people. That’s all.
UniCorn: Who? Were they nice?
Spidey: Nice? Men are not “nice”. We got drunk and then we went home. That’s all.
UniCorn: Drunk?
Matt: Oh, my cell…
Spidey: You probably got drunk New Year’s. Why shouldn’t we?
Matt: Hi Ken!
UniCorn: *gasping* Oh my god!
Matt: Hang on…
Matt leaves the room and lets Spidey come up with a plan of how to avoid UniCorn’s numerous questions. Meanwhile FridayNext is in the bedroom hoping that the Nobel Prize Literature committee will call her.
UniCorn: On the road. It’s not easy to be a chess champion’s fiancée, I tell you. There are groupies in every freaking town!
Spidey: *looking at her in disbelief* Of course you’re kidding.
UniCorn: No I’m not. You wouldn’t believe how little self-respect some women have when they meet a famous person.
Matt: Hi Uni. Happy New Year.
UniCorn: Matt! Honey! Happy New Year. Let me hug you!
UniCorn practically bulldozes Spidey out of her way and leaps into Matt’s arms and holds on tightly and then she kisses him on each cheek. Matt pats her on her back and smiles politely. Spidey watches the incident and then snorts loudly.
Spidey: Yeah, you wouldn’t believe how pathetic some people behave at times.
Matt: Fri is in the bedroom. She’s been talking about you non stop for days now.
Spidey: Fortunately we have earplugs so we have tuned her out.
Matt: Spidey…
UniCorn: Why is she in the bedroom?
Spidey: Ha ha ha!
Matt: Well…
Spidey: Poet laureate is not what springs to mind.
Matt: It’s a New Year’s resolution. She’ll explain if you ask her.
UniCorn: What did you do for New Year’s?
Spidey: Later. Our series is on.
Matt: Yeah, later.
UniCorn walks into the bedroom and finds FridayNext in deep concentration looking out the window from the bed. UniCorn yammers on for seconds before she realises that FridayNext has her mp3 player on and is oblivious to UniCorn’s rantings.
UniCorn: Oi! Pull the plug on the music. I’m in the house!
FridayNext: Uni! Uni! Uni!
Minutes go by with screaming, giggling, hugging and erratic behaviour.
UniCorn: What are you up to?
FridayNext: I’m trying to get a hold of my emotions by writing down my thoughts.
UniCorn: Sounds awfully boring.
FridayNext: It is. But I’ve come up with a poem.
UniCorn: Have the boys read it?
FridayNext: Not it’s its entirety. Wanna read it?
UniCorn: Sure.
Ode to Bike
It’s been two days
And I have missed you terribly
I find you safe and sound in the dark cellar
White despite the grime
With grey V-shaped stripes
And grippin’ handlebars
I love you so much
When we go on our rides every day
From Monday to Friday
Oh and that’s my name as well!
We become one
Ewwwwwwwwww
Pedalling and pedalling
Lights on and off
The hour each way gives me time
To wonder about the great and small things in life
I have known J-Man for more than nine months now
By now he ought to have borne our child
We rarely argue
Usually we agree on the speed
And you have eight of them – kickin’
I can back-pedal which is a lot of fun
But J-Man refuses to try you
Probably scared to fall head over heels in love with you
I’m sorry I yelled at you the other day
But I had on my kick-ass bike helmet
Ready to get pumped for an hour
And then you go against synchronicity
Forcing me on a train
Dorky looking and carrying duck food by hand
Still….
I love you
I love J-Man
I love UniCorn
I love Spidey
I tolerate Matt...
UniCorn: Aw, you love me! I love you!
FridayNext: We love each other!
UniCorn: So…
FridayNext: Yeah…
UniCorn: New year.
FridayNext: Yeah.
UniCorn: ChessBoy is famous now.
FridayNext: What’s it like?
UniCorn: Awful!
FridayNext: Yeah. Unbelievably annoying when people grope your man.
UniCorn: Hint taken!
FridayNext: Kidding! You can grope Matt whenever!
Matt: What if she asks us again?
Spidey: Ignore her.
Matt: That’s rude.
Spidey: Just…hug her and she’ll forget all about it. Shhhh, I want to see this.
UniCorn: Did they play with the Flexi-Trax?
FridayNext: Did they ever! There’ve been tracks all over the place.
UniCorn: What did they do for New Year?
FridayNext: Dunno.
UniCorn: What did you do?
FridayNext: Went to bed.
UniCorn: Oh.
FridayNext: A-n-y-w-a-y! There’s a reception at work!
UniCorn: So?
FridayNext: J-Man and Ace will be there!
UniCorn: Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?
FridayNext: Well, if you’re not sure if you’d like to come, I won’t ask you…
UniCorn: Maaahh haaaahhh! Can I grope them?
FridayNext: The only reason they’re invited is so I can grope them.
UniCorn: And me!
FridayNext: It’s always about you, honey.
UniCorn: Darling.
FridayNext: Okay, you can grope them. But let me grope them first.
UniCorn: Hi Boys.
Spidey: You’re talking!
UniCorn: Sherlock! So you didn’t stay in on New Year’s?
Matt: Come and sit here on the sofa with me, Uni.
UniCorn: Sure! So where did you go?
Spidey: I can’t hear what they’re saying!
Matt: Just here and there. And you?
UniCorn: With ChessBoy at some lame convention. Did you see fireworks?
Spidey: Oh woman, it’s New Year’s. Of course we saw fireworks!
UniCorn: Look, I’m trying to coax the truth out of you guys so stop being so rude!
Spidey: You can’t handle the truth!
Matt: And I’m the corny one?
Spidey: I’ll give you that one. It’s too far out.
UniCorn: So where did you go?
Matt: We just hung out with some people. That’s all.
UniCorn: Who? Were they nice?
Spidey: Nice? Men are not “nice”. We got drunk and then we went home. That’s all.
UniCorn: Drunk?
Matt: Oh, my cell…
Spidey: You probably got drunk New Year’s. Why shouldn’t we?
Matt: Hi Ken!
UniCorn: *gasping* Oh my god!
Matt: Hang on…
Matt leaves the room and lets Spidey come up with a plan of how to avoid UniCorn’s numerous questions. Meanwhile FridayNext is in the bedroom hoping that the Nobel Prize Literature committee will call her.
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