The Reception

Some days ago. Before UniCorn stopped temping and we were chatting in her office. The post arrived. I took it and checked it like I usually do. A personal letter to TheBoss.

FridayNext: Wouldn’t it be dreamy if it was to me and it was from J-Man?
UniCorn: Then you would die from a heart attack.
FridayNext: Yeah, I would! Who’s this from…OH!
UniCorn: Fri? Are you alright? Friday, come on. You’re scaring me!
FridayNext: I can’t breathe!
UniCorn: Are you messing with me?
FridayNext: *hands over the letter* Do something!
UniCorn: *reads the letter, then smirks* It’s from J-Man!
FridayNext: It’s from J-Man!
UniCorn: And Ace.
FridayNext: And Ace!
UniCorn: It’s from both of them.
FridayNext: It’s from both of them!
UniCorn: Oh my god, you’re in shock.
FridayNext: Oh my god, yes I am!
UniCorn: Look at their logo. It’s a swan with horns.
FridayNext: It’s a reindeer with an arrow in its mouth.
UniCorn: I’ll give you the arrow, but it’s still a swan with horns.
FridayNext: It’s a new layout. What the hell are they up to?
UniCorn: Dunno. But apparently they’re into swans these days.
FridayNext: They’re inviting TheBoss over.
UniCorn: For a reception. There’ll be tonnes of people there.
Silence
UniCorn: I bet your invitation will come tomorrow.
FridayNext: No it won’t. They’ve blacklisted me.
UniCorn: Of course they haven’t.

But there’s no invite in the mail the next day. Or the day after. TheBoss has planned to attend. I’m green with envy. Or rather, greener than I usually am.

InBox: Yo Matt!
Matt: Hey, long time no chat!
InBox: Sorry. Been up to my eyeballs in work. Okay?
Matt: Fine. You?
InBox: Great. Still in love with Friday?
Matt: Yup.
InBox: Invite her out next weekend.
Matt: What?
InBox: Do it now. Make a big thing out of it. You won’t regret it.
Matt: Sounds suspicious.
InBox: They are inviting people over for a reception. She’s on the guest list, but I have managed to pull some strings so it’s still in the mail.
Matt: She’d do anything to attend.
InBox: And we want to avoid that.
Matt: Thanks. I owe you one.
InBox: Forget it. I’m doing this to keep my man to myself.

My butt is sore from the freakin’ bike ride home. It’s been windy for four days straight. There should be a law against that! I’m tired and miffed and angry and…sad because of that stupid reception.

Matt: Guess what?
FridayNext: What?
Matt: I’ve invited UniCorn and ChessBoy out for dinner next week.
FridayNext: Oh Hooray.
Matt: Sweetie, you and Spidey are going too.
FridayNext: Oh.
Matt: I thought it’d be nice to go out. All of us.
FridayNext: I guess so.
Matt: So where would you like to go? To that sushi place?
FridayNext: I’m fed up with sushi.
Matt: Really?!
FridayNext: Sorry, Matt. It sounds great. Perhaps we could go for Chinese this time?
Matt: Good idea, sweetheart. I’ll tell ChessBoy and UniCorn. Are you alright?
FridayNext: Just tired. ‘Night.

Spidey: So you want me to crash the party?
Matt: It’s not a party. It’s a reception.
Spidey: With beer and music. It’s a party, dude.
Matt: Whatever. Will you?
Spidey: Why?
Matt: For me?
Spidey: Don’t goo all over me!
Matt: What the hell do you want me to say? You know WHY! I want to see what the fuss is all about.
Spidey: Okay. I’ll sneak in and take a couple of pics. Shouldn’t be that hard.

J-Man: Hi Friday. Long time since I’ve heard from you.

I can’t believe my frickin’ eyes. I super-click the mail and blow it out of proportion.

FridayNext: Howdy J-Man. I love you!
FridayNext: *deleting the email and beginning all over* Hi J-Man. Good to hear from you. Busy?
J-Man: Are you coming to our reception?
FridayNext: Well…
J-Man: It’d be nice if you could come over.
FridayNext: I love you. I love every fibre of you!
FridayNext: *deleting the email and beginning all over* Oh, I just thought it was an executive thing…
J-Man: You didn’t get the invitation?
FridayNext: I’ll kidnap you. I’ll never let you out of my flat!
FridayNext: *deleting the email and beginning all over* Nope.
Ace: Hi Friday. Are you coming to our reception?

I want to die. Instead I have to go home for the big dinner-out-with-my-best-friend and the boys.

Matt: Are you leaving?
Spidey: Yeah, I have this…thing…I have to do.
Matt: Okay.
UniCorn: What thing?
Spidey: Just…thing. Y’know.
UniCorn: Sounds suspicious!
Spidey: Leave me alone! See ya.
UniCorn: *poking FridayNext* You’ve been quiet all evening.
FridayNext: Wha’?
UniCorn: How about you and me. Out for drinks. Let’s ditch the boys.
ChessBoy: Hey!
UniCorn: *in a purring voice* But honey, I’ll call you when I want you to pick us up and then you can drive us home in the middle of the night.
ChessBoy: Okay!

Spidey: Can you hear me?
Matt: Loud and clear.
Spidey: There are lots of people here!
Matt: Right.
Spidey: I’ll send you a snapshot. Wait… Got it?

Matt: Shit!
Spidey: I’ve seen their girlfriends. You have nothing to worry about. None of them are green or remotely sheepish.
Matt: Okay. Thanks, Spidey.

UniCorn: Honey, I’m just saying…who drank my cosmo?
FridayNext: You did. Two seconds ago.
UniCorn: Honey, I’m just saying…plenty of J-Men out there.
FridayNext: *sighing*
UniCorn: And Aces. Who drank my cosmo?
FridayNext: *rummages through her handbag* It’s late and you’re too drunk to make a coherent decision. So follow me!
UniCorn: Well, somebody drank my cosmo so alrighty then.

We crawl up the house. I don’t know how we manage but we do. Uni is climbing up close behind me. It probably helps to have a horn drastically close to one’s butt. Her speech is slightly slurred. She speaks endlessly. It’s a sign that she’s nervous. Or perhaps just drunk. As long as she speed talks, she won’t ask silly questions. Such as what the heck we’re doing here.



I can’t believe our luck! They haven’t gone home yet! I break one of the windows and worm my way in. Uni finally stops talking when she enters the room. I gawk. I gawk so much that my eyeballs hurt! They’re both here! Fast asleep and dishy and completely unaware. It’s a dream come true!

I open my handbag and take out the super glue. I know it’s cheating. Super glue is only for consenting adults. If I should use glue on J-Man, it should be glue stick only so he can flee whenever he has had enough. Uni sees the tube of super glue.

UniCorn: You really shouldn’t, honey.
FridayNext: I know.
UniCorn: You’ll regret it.
FridayNext: I know.
UniCorn: Maybe not today, but some day…
FridayNext: Stop quoting a film!
UniCorn: Sorry. I’m too sober now to let you do this.
FridayNext: No, you’re not.

I edge in on J-Man. He’s left handed so my guess is that he’ll never chew off any of his left sided limbs even if I drive him nuts. I squirt super glue on his left arm and left hip and left leg. I put a thick layer on him. Then I squirt super glue on my right side and I step closer to J-Man.

Ace: *mumbling* I’m bursting…
UniCorn: *whispering* He’s moving!
FridayNext: *whispering* Shit!
Ace: *mumbling* Bathroom…
UniCorn: Abort mission!

Ace stumbles to his feet, eyes at half mast and he shuffles dangerously close to J-Man. I tiptoe out of his way and hope that he won’t open up his eyes. He trips over an imaginary dust bunny and bumps into an almost unconscious J-Man. I look in horror. Uni has her hands up to her mouth, her eyes wide open. I don’t believe this!

Ace is glued to J-Man’s left side and he is barely awake to notice. It seems that he’s forgotten all about the bathroom and instead he now lies next to J-Man, asleep. I sneak over and try to unglue the two. Without luck.

We run to the window and make our way down. Unfortunately Uni is now completely sober!

UniCorn: What did you do!
FridayNext: It’s not what’s supposed to happen!
UniCorn: But it did! And now they’re glued together!
FridayNext: What do you want me to do? I can’t unglue them!
UniCorn: What were you thinking?!
FridayNext: It should have been me! Me and J-Man!
UniCorn: You’re not making any sense!
FridayNext: I freakin’ know!
UniCorn: Let’s forget about tonight.
FridayNext: Fine with me.
Silence
FridayNext: They’re best friends, probably. They won’t even notice that they’ve been glued together for life.
UniCorn: I hope you’re right.
FridayNext: Me too.

The Mean and not so lean Eating Machine

I’m on the prowl. The scent of fat and sugar is intoxicating. I close my eyes and sniff. There are no hints or clues other than the imaginary goody bag that I believe will materialise if I just unlock the correct cabinet door in the kitchen. There must be some fatty food here. I distinctly remember that Spidey and Matt brought some bad food home before I fell ill. They promised to eat it all or throw it out, but boys always lie.

Move out of my way! I’m on a mission and I must succeed. Otherwise I’ll lose my mind. I need crunchy sugar between my teeth. I crave the sugar rush so that I have a spurt of energy to dance around the living room, singing to bad music, forgetting lyrics and clapping my hands high up in the air as if I were attending the greatest concert ever. Or watching a kicking DJ doing his thang and screaming into a mike: come on everybody. Or whatever a DJ screams into a microphone.

I feel like a tank. A military vehicle that is constructed to crush all obstacles until it detects the target – and to devour the target before the enemy ambush. All I have found so far is:

Rice
Vinegar
Plates, cups, glasses
Oven mitts
A broken record player

It’s ten minutes to closing time and I get my shoes on, fetch my bike keys (that’s right, it’s a kick ass bike with two locks – and you can call it von Backhaus) and storm out of the door. I run down the stairs – the lift is too slow for this mission. My lungs are still on the fourth floor when I run out of the front door and unlock my lover. Wallet – check. Two bags for the goodies – check. And I’m off, zooming by playing kids, old women with zimmer frames (out of my way, bitches), young men smoking and looking pretentious and cool, Arab kids screaming Jalla after me (Arab for f*ck off, apparently). Tires screech and I run into the store and grab everything with sugar and fat.

Chocolate, caramel, nougat, crisps, chips, popcorn (deeelish hot from the microwave oven), cookie dough ice-cream, cakes covered with chips of coconut and chocolate. To wash it all down: cola. And this time it’s not a light version.

After two hours in the armchair with the telly showing some lame sitcoms I’m full. And most of the stash is gone. I feel slightly nauseous. What happened?

Matt: Have you seen my cell?
FridayNext: No.
Matt: It was here on the kitchen counter. I’m sure of it.
FridayNext: Really?
Matt: Mmm. Perhaps it’s in my jacket…
FridayNext: Perhaps.
Matt: No. Well, I’m running late so I better…
FridayNext: Where are you going?
Matt: Oh…just…going out with…ChessBoy.
FridayNext: Are you treating him to something nice?
Matt: What?
FridayNext: He just had his birthday. Isn’t that why you’re taking him out?
Matt: Right! Sure it is. Where is my head, ha ha.
FridayNext: Yeah, ha ha. See you tonight.
Matt: Yeah, see you tonight, sweetness.

The minute he’s out of the door, I pull out his cell from my pocket. I check his incoming texts again.

MumNextText: Looking forward to seeing you again, Matty. Hugs from Mummy.

The Boring Identity

First there’s a man in the sea. You are supposed to believe that he’s dead, drowned. But since it’s the main character, the film would only last like 2 minutes, so it’s not likely that the dude is dead. And you’re right – shocking!

So out of the water with him and if you didn’t know it, he’s a bit dishy. Although he has bullet holes in his back and apparently an electronic gizmo that switched on tells him his bank account number. This comes in handy 30 minutes later when he manages to waltz into a Swiss bank and ask for the way to his personal vault.

Fortunately he bumps into a woman who’s just as annoying as him so they get along just fine. She has a hard time working with her accent. One minute you’re sure that she’s from Germany, the next an American accent flows by – and then back to the German one. Confused? Mr Boring isn’t. Or perhaps he’s too caught up in her boobs to realise the discrepancy.

He doesn’t know who he is. In the vault, he realises that he has gazillion passports so he’s torn between all these names and identities and which lingo should I be speaking in? He goes for the American (oh my gawd, surprising!) and his codename is Mr Boring.

She’s clingy. She just doesn’t want him to leave her in the middle of metropolis where she has access to all comfortabilities that life could ever offer. The dialogue is sparse but it could have gone something like this:

She: Oh darling, don’t leave me here.
He: But I have to, honey. Because I’m the strong and silent type.
She: But you are dishy. Where will I ever find another dishy man who’s into my boobs?
He: I dunno. You’re a bit of a honey pot yourself, but y’know. I have a gun and all.
She: I know. And it’s a huge turn on!
He: You think?
She: God yeah! O-Ville here I come!
He: Right. You lost me there.
She: HUGE gun and I’m into…
He: Okay!
She: And people die in your trail and that’s kinda hot as well and I’d like to follow you to the end of the world because you’ve been working out.
He: Alright, let’s get a hotel room.
She: Score!

In the hotel room, he washes her hair – excuse me? This is supposed to be one of those very sensual scenes where the women audience comes in the middle of the dark theatre and their boyfriends pretend not to know that their girlfriends are turned on by this hunk doing mushy stuff.

And then he dyes her hair. Who wrote this script?! Mr Boring aka I’ve been working out non stop since I was 10 years and I’m a masculine super macho hero helps shallow girlfriend to massage dye into her hair. Unless his true identity is a hairdresser, I don’t believe this. And what the hell happened to her arms? Is it completely impossible for her to dye her hair on her own?

There are two jokes in the film. And they’re not remotely funny. The first one is in the hotel room. He’s been up all night wiping the darn room clean of finger prints. Well, Sherlock, why didn’t you just wear gloves? Then Boobie-Girl wakes up and can’t believe that Mr Dishy is not in bed with her. Horror-stricken for a nanosecond, then she sees him sitting across the room. The joke: she asks if she can walk on the floor or if she’ll leave footprints. And they laugh and laugh and laugh and you…don’t.

The second joke is all about identity. And it’s an intellectual one so perhaps not everybody in the audience will get it. When he finally manages to dump Boobie-Girl, he does this and that and when I woke up he was on his way to an exotic island. He walks into a bar slash restaurant – and there she is! Working her tail off and looking delicious doing it. The dialogue goes something like this:

She: working working working in a deserted bar slash restaurant
He: Excuse me; you look like you’re working hard for the money.
She: I work hard for the money – I think this was a song from Flashdance?
He: Me too. Not sure, though.
She: Me neither.
He: Can I get a drink?
She: Oh. Do you have some ID?

And then they laugh and laugh and laugh and she runs into his arms and they hug and hug and hug but don’t kiss – and you go into pukeville overdrive.

Did you get the second joke? I mean, it’s so intellectual – identity crisis throughout the film and then she turns it all around by telling a joke: do you know who you are now? And by the way, you look so young so I need to see ID before I serve you a beer. The joke just works on multiple levels. It took my breath away, I tell ya.

Let me know if you thought it was a good film. I may be biased because I like contents rather than appearances.

Delirious

FridayNext: I love you. I absolutely adore you. I love you. I love you. Please tell me that you love me too.
Spidey: You need to come over.
UniCorn: I can’t.
FridayNext: Oh honey. Darling. Sweetie. The apple of my eye. I luv you! LUV you!
Spidey: She’s losing it.
UniCorn: How bad can it be?
Spidey: Listen… *holds out the phone*
FridayNext: Let’s get married. I want to bear your children. Looooooove me!
UniCorn: What the heck…
Spidey: She’s been like this all morning.
UniCorn: What’s going on?
Spidey: I don’t know! Come over, for fuck’s sakes!
UniCorn: I can’t! I’ve been slacking off for weeks and I need to get this f-ing thesis done!
Spidey: Right. Thanks, Uni!
UniCorn: Look, she’s just dreaming about J-Man again. It’ll wear off.
Spidey: Oh, it’s not J-Man this time.
UniCorn: Then it’s Ace. It’s either or.
Spidey: Nope.
UniCorn: Who then?
Spidey: You are not gonna believe this.
UniCorn: Sherlock, are you gonna tell me or not?
Spidey: The bike.

Silence

Spidey: Are you still there?
UniCorn: She’s talking about her bike?
Spidey: No. She’s talking to her bike. She brought it home last night after work. She’s been acting all funny since last week.
UniCorn: How did she get it up all those stairs?
Spidey: Let’s just say that the big bad wolf wouldn’t have won the huffing competition between the two.
UniCorn: How does she look?
Spidey: Green as usual. It’s not like she’s going blue or red.
UniCorn: Where’s Matt?

Silence

UniCorn: Hello, Sherlock.
Spidey: I’m not gonna get involved.
UniCorn: You are so involved already. Where?
Spidey: Out with MumNext.
UniCorn: And that’s gonna make Fri’s day even better.
Spidey: She is clueless…
UniCorn: I know!
Spidey: …and right now she is so far out that I can’t reach her.
UniCorn: Give me half an hour.
Spidey: Kicking.

FridayNext: *screeching* I can move move move any mountain… Ding, ding, ding, ding, move out of my way, spiderboy!
Spidey: *jumping out of FN’s way* Goddammit! Get off the bike.
FridayNext: *still screeching* Ah ding ding ding, ah ding ding ding – it’s the froggy song! Oh, door!
Spidey: There are tire marks everywhere on the floor! Look at the sheep skin. It’s ruined for good, Fri!
FridayNext: Oh what do you care? You’re been sloppy since you moved in. Look at my kitchen – you’ve ruined all the cabinets with your web!
Spidey: Get off the bike before you hurt me!
FridayNext: You. It’s always about you! Shut the mutha-frickin’ up, spider-baby! And now for the encore: I CAN MOVE MOVE MOVE ANY MOUNTAIN!
Spidey: *mumbling* Let go of the 1990s music, will ya!
FridayNext: And the froggy song, on request. AH DING DING DING, AH DING DING DING! Oh my god, I’m so much fun! You love me, don’t you?
Spidey: You’re gonna crash!
FridayNext: FRONT DOOR! AAAAAHHHHHHH!
UniCorn: AAAHHHH!
Spidey: A mental image that will never leave my retinas!
FridayNext: Get off me, Uni! Remove those horribly long legs of yours!
UniCorn: Your bike is all over me! The front wheel is in my face – get it off me!
FridayNext: Don’t you ever speak ill of my lover!

Ten minutes later

UniCorn: You stay put on the sofa! I’m not gonna use force again, Fri!
Spidey: I love digital cameras. I got it all documented!
UniCorn: You are not helping. Take the bike down so we can clean up this mess.
FridayNext: Don’t touch it! Don’t touch it! You’re not worthy!
UniCorn: Puuuuuuurlease, sweets. Get a grip or I’ll smack you.
FridayNext: I love my bike.
UniCorn: I know.
Spidey: Insane in the membrane…insane in the brain!
FridayNext: That’s a good song. I remember it!
Spidey: Yeah, the song…
UniCorn: If you leave now, it won’t be too soon, Spidey!
FridayNext: Spidey. What a silly name.
UniCorn: What’s going on?
FridayNext: Well, I was having a great time until you opened the front door and tilted me and my bike.
UniCorn: Are you sure that you’re okay?
FridayNext: *snorts*
UniCorn: What pills did the doctor give you?
FridayNext: Oh don’t be so conservative. Pills are not necessarily bad for you.
UniCorn: Oh Honey. Remember who you’re talking to.
FridayNext: Oh Uni! I felt so bad. I went to Vomitville and thought I’d never come back. And then it hurt everywhere. And I just wanted to sleep like forever. And you know what?
UniCorn: What?
FridayNext: Y’know… I just miss you.
UniCorn: Aaaawwwwww!
FridayNext: I need a nap.
UniCorn: I get a blanket.
FridayNext: Cheers.

Dating Tips

Spidey: Today I am going to teach you about dating.
FridayNext: Alright! Super-score!
Spidey: First: lose that attitude.
FridayNext: Aaaoouuugggghhhh!
Spidey: And that.
FridayNext: What?
Spidey: It’s off putting.
FridayNext: NOOOOOOO!
Spidey: Who’s the expert in men?
FridayNext: But Uni likes the sounds.
Spidey: Would you like to date Uni?
FridayNext: *giggles and blushes*
Spidey: I don’t want to know!
FridayNext: She does have a fab cleavage.
Spidey: *sends FN a concerned look*
FridayNext: But I like men. Manly men with hands, teeth and eyes. And a voice. I like voices. I like it a lot when they speak to me. Whether it’s on the phone or face to face. I like face…
Spidey: Shut up!
FridayNext: Sorry.
Spidey: This is exactly one of your problems. You talk too much.
FridayNext: Really?
Spidey: Don’t interrupt.
FridayNext: Sorry.
Spidey: *sighing* One. Two. Three. Four.
FridayNext: *mumbling* I said I was sorry.
Spidey: A man likes to believe he’s in control. When you yammer on constantly, you never give him a chance to get to know you at his own speed.
FridayNext: But usually they don’t ask me. They just talk about themselves. Then I have to point out who I am.
Spidey: How long do you let them talk about themselves?
FridayNext: For hours!
Spidey: Be honest.
FridayNext: I get bored if they haven’t asked about me within fifteen minutes. They drone on and on about themselves. Their work or football – snoreville! I don’t want to hear about sports!
Spidey: Who won US Open…
FridayNext: Henin! She’s amazing! For such a tiny woman, she’s a mean player. Did you see the semi-final? Oh my gawd! She kicked some butt, I tell you!
Spidey: So you’re into tennis – for some odd reason. This is how many men feel like; it’s just about football and not tennis.
FridayNext: *snorts* But football! How Neanderthal is that!
Spidey: You really need to lose the attitude, Fri.
FridayNext: But Matt doesn’t like football.
Spidey: Because?
FridayNext: He’s got better taste than that.
Spidey: No. Because?
FridayNext: I’m getting bored with this game now.
Spidey: You made him up! Of course he’s not into football. My bet is that he loves tennis if you ask him. Let’s…forget about sports.
FridayNext: Fine.
Spidey: FINE. Sorry.
FridayNext: S’alright.
Spidey: To attract a man you should be demure.
FridayNext: De…excuse me?
Spidey: Demure. Reserved. Shy.
FridayNext: HA HA HA!
Spidey: I’m serious. A knight in shining armour needs to feel chivalrous and you take that away from him when you bulldoze him.
FridayNext: Honey, I’ve never met a man who’d like to be my knight in shining armour. I’m just not built for men like that. If they don’t take action, I do. Why wait around? Sometimes it takes them yonks and yonks to decide whether they want to ask me out. I can’t wait for that!
Spidey: Demure.
FridayNext: Demure my behind! Look, I’d rather ask a man out and be told no immediately. At least I won’t pine for weeks or months.
Spidey: *shaking his head* You are so full of it!
FridayNext: No I’m not. It’s like removing a band aid. Quickly and painful for a few seconds, then it’s alright.
Spidey: Be demure, for fuck’s sakes! Men like to get a word in edgeways, and if their topics bore you, go into snooze mode. It’s what we do with women.
FridayNext: I knew it!
Spidey: And you shouldn’t blurt out your opinions. It scares us.
FridayNext: So now I can’t speak?
Spidey: Of course you can. Just choose light topics, be withdrawn and let the man lead you through the date.
FridayNext: Jesus, what century are we talking about?
Spidey: Look at Uni.
FridayNext: God, I would if she were here!
Spidey: She’s with ChessBoy.
FridayNext: Mmm.
Spidey: She plays him like a fiddle.
FridayNext: That she does. She’s very good at it as well.
Spidey: Without being animated or bossy.
FridayNext: So now I’m bossy as well?
Spidey: Well, yeah.
FridayNext: So basically I just have to reinvent myself into a person that’s the opposite of FridayNext. Then I will be great dating material and men will like me.
Spidey: Exactly.
FridayNext: But I like who I am.
Spidey: So do I. But men…are different.
FridayNext: You’re a beta version.
Spidey: Yeah.
FridayNext: I’m gonna puke now.
Spidey: It’s not that bad, Fri.
FridayNext: No, seriously. I’m gonna throw up. I think it’s the medication. I feel sick.
Spidey: Don’t aim at me!
FridayNext: Sorry!

Panic

List your symptoms:
Nauseous
Queasiness
Sore throat and limbs
Tired beyond belief

The medication has not yet kicked in except for all the side effects. One minute I crave crisps and butter, the next I want to lie on the bathroom floor in a foetal position, ready to stick my head in the toilet bowl and pray that tomorrow will never come. The rest of the time I sleep in my bed on my own. Matt has moved out of the bedroom for now. Even he complains that my behaviour resembles erratic at best.

UniCorn has texted me. She has also fallen ill. Different symptoms.

The boys have gone out. They wanted to get as far away from illness as possible. They kidnapped ChessBoy and as far as I know they are hanging out in a bar somewhere.

Although I have slept most of the day, I feel sleep deprived. I want to curl up in bed and sleep for ten days straight. But I have this song in my head. I had to get up and check out all my CDs. I remember some of the lyrics.

Panic on the streets of London

I remember it used to be a record. Vinyl. But I liked it so much that I bought the CD when it was finally released. It’s that old. It was out before vinyl was considered outdated. Back in the old days. I have kept my records tucked away in the closet. I broke my record player when I moved in here. Would probably not listen to the records anyway. Does anybody even remember the French band Indochine? Didn’t think so. And what was I thinking anyway?

There’s a man on telly right now. He has brown eyes. He is singing. He looks smashing. Arabic type. I have the volume turned down. He is all over the microphone and he looks good. Great, even. In a black suit and white shirt. And sneakers. He looks young and hip and way out of my league. It’s mesmerizing that people you don’t know can lure you in like that.

A new guest comes on. It’s a talk show. The host opens up her arms but the guest is not too sure if he should hug her. This must be the most awkward hug in the history of telly. If my mum and I were on telly, we would be the only ones to beat it.

Life plays with us, doesn’t it? I mean, it could be the medication talking but I think life messes with us. It’s like...alright, it’s a theory of mine.

It’s about balls. Not the testicular ones – ew – but tennis balls, baseballs, footballs, handballs, you name it balls. Good or bad days, you play ball. Whether you want to or not. That’s what life is about. You interact, you contact people, they contact you. You throw balls.

Some people are very good at catching whatever ball you throw. Hard or soft, baseball, tennis ball – whichever. It’s the coolest! You like these people. If you’re a bit like me, you end up loving these people because you’re just that intense. And you practise every day so that you end up being just as good at catching their balls.

Then you throw to somebody who can’t catch even if their life depended on it. If you like them, you keep trying. And trying. One more time. And then you give up because life is too short. You don’t understand how come it’s so difficult for them to catch a ball. If you like them, you are disappointed for a while. But you need to move on. You only have a certain amount of balls in your lifetime.

So game on and you throw and you catch and are very busy. Interacting.

One day you take a ball in the neck. It’s hard and leaves a mark and it hurts for days. You don’t know who threw it.

Could have been a friend you upset. Because at times you’re a bitch, but that’s part of the setup.

However, it’s more likely that it’s just life that tells you that you should consider yourself lucky to be alive and that you shouldn’t take life for granted.

Even if you want to snuff it right now and never ever want to face another person, problem or panic attack.

And it’s all coming back to me now:

Panic on the streets of London
Panic on the streets of Birmingham
I wonder to myself
Could life ever be sane again
On the Leeds side-streets that you slip down
I wonder to myself
Hopes may rise on the Grasmeres
But Honey Pie, you’re not safe here
So you run down
To the safety of the town
But there’s Panic on the street of Carlisle
Dublin, Dundee, Humberside
I wonder to myself
Burn down the Disco
Hang the blessed DJ
Because the music that they constantly play
IT SAYS NOTHING TO ME ABOUT MY LIFE
Hang the blessed the DJ
Because the music that they constantly play
On the Leeds side-streets that you slip down
On the provincial towns that you jog ‘round
HANG THE DJ HANG THE DJ HANG THE DJ
HANG THE DJ HANG THE DJ HANG THE DJ

(The Smiths, Panic)

Check, Please

MumNext: Sweetheart. There you are!
FridayNext: Hi Mum.

They hug in a slightly awkward manner and MumNext removes her handbag that she has had strapped across her chest. As if she was a college boy. FridayNext doesn’t mention it to her. They have had this conversation already and MumNext didn’t appreciate the truth. They sit at the table. MumNext is looking around eagerly. She loudly thanks the waiter who brings the menus.

MumNext: This is different. I have never been in a sushi restaurant.
FridayNext: *shrinking from MumNext’s shrill voice* It’s just like any other restaurant, Mum. Nothing too special.
MumNext: I know, honey. It’s just different. From where we usually go.

They only go to a restaurant once a year. Last time was 10 months ago. They had Chinese. For the first time in Europe. They were surprised that they liked it.

FridayNext: How is he?
MumNext: Oh he’s fine. He’s tired and exhausted but fine.
FridayNext: Well, he’s in his 70s, so…

They let the sentence trail off. MumNext looks at the menu but soon gives up.

MumNext: You choose for me. It’s all fish to me.
FridayNext: How hungry are you, Mum?
MumNext: Oh I can barely eat a thing.

And she’s right. She never eats a full meal. She usually gulfs down a piece of toast and she’s full. Then dessert comes and like magic hunger appears and she munches like a fully grown man. She is mean with chopsticks, though. They were in China 8 years ago. FridayNext is impressed.

MumNext: How’s work?
FridayNext: Alright. Busy.
MumNext: That’s good, sweetie.
FridayNext: Mmm.
MumNext: How’s UniCorn?
FridayNext: *smiles at the thought of her best friend* She’s fine.
MumNext: We should have lunch one day. All of us.
FridayNext: Good idea. I’ll ask her when it suits her.

MumNext has finished off her ten pieces of sushi. She sighs. Then she downs half a lager. FridayNext is only halfway, always a slow eater.

MumNext: This wasn’t bad. It was very good. It’s a good place.
FridayNext: Yeah, I like it. The fish is good and it’s not too expensive.
MumNext: So…

FridayNext knows what is coming. She’s been dreading it.

MumNext: How is everything?
FridayNext: Fine. Just busy, you know.
MumNext: Have you heard from CodeCruncherGirl?
FridayNext: Yeah, she got engaged two weeks ago.
MumNext: Ooooooooooh.
FridayNext: Mum…
MumNext: Well, good for her. It suits a woman to wear a ring on her finger.
FridayNext: Mum…
MumNext: And how about TravellingChick?
FridayNext: Still travelling, Mum.
MumNext: Do you ever hear from Mohamed?

She finally said the M word. The word that nobody in the family has dared to utter for months and months.

FridayNext: No. It’s over, you know.
MumNext: Well, I’m sure he was a nice boy…
FridayNext: …man…
MumNext: …and I didn’t mind him being…you know…but I just wished that he had had a different name.
FridayNext: *sighing because she’s heard it all before*
MumNext: Martin. What’s wrong with Martin?
FridayNext: Not many Muslims are called Martin, Mum.
MumNext: Or Matt. Matt is a nice name.

FridayNext looks at MumNext who appears cool as a cucumber. She gulps down the rest of her lager and hides a burp.

MumNext: I’m just saying…Matt is a nice name.

Some Days Earlier

Matt: Excuse me, but are you MumNext?
MumNext: Oh my! Indeed I am. You must be Matt!
Matt: Hello. It’s an honour and a pleasure to meet you.
MumNext: Likewise, Matt. Likewise.

MumNext radiates and steps closer to Matt. She spreads out her arms and hugs him in a motherly way. Matt is surprised but hugs her back, carefully. She steps back a little and looks at him, approvingly. He smiles, shyly.

Matt: Should we sit? Waiter?

MumNext puts her hand on his arm and lets him guide her through the crowded restaurant to their table. She practically beams when Matt pulls out her chair and squeezes her shoulders as he asks her if she is comfortable.

MumNext: I’m so glad that you called.
Matt: Me too!
MumNext: I had no idea that Friday was seeing someone.
Matt: No?
MumNext: She can be very secretive sometimes.
Matt: Perhaps she’s shy.
MumNext: Sweetie, she’s many things but that’s not one of them. At least not to friends and family.

Matt smiles and nods. He picks up the menu and glances at the various dishes.

MumNext: I’d love a steak, Matt.
Matt: Me too, MumNext.
MumNext: Call me Mum. We’re practically family, sweets.

Matt beams and thanks her.

MumNext: And I’d love a lager, honey.
Matt: Me too, Mum!
MumNext: Sugar, we’ll get on just fine.

Conversation

Matt: Wake up!
Spidey: What the hell...
Matt: What is going on?
Spidey: What?
Matt: Something’s up.
Spidey: She was all bent out of shape last night. Wait…let me get some coffee first.
Matt: That can wait. What’s up?
Spidey: *sighing* Uni texted and said that I should sit through Brokeback Mountain with Fri so I did.
Matt: What is it with that film?!
Spidey: I don’t know but if I have to see two guys kiss and make out in a tent once more, I’m gonna puke, I tell ya’!
Matt: I hear you!
Spidey: Coffee…
Matt: Sorry.
Spidey: *gulping down half a cup of coffee* She acted all…weird. She was silent most of the evening. Where were you anyway?
Matt: Hanging out with ChessBoy. Silent?
Spidey: Unbelievable, I know, but true. How’s C?
Matt: Great. We should hang out with him more.
Spidey: Deal.
Matt: She stormed in at Uni’s and then they mumbled about something. I couldn’t hear.
Spidey: Sorry, bud. Can’t help you.
Matt: I know somebody who may know more…
Spidey: Can I have some breakfast first?

InBox: Hello?
Matt: Hi, it’s me.
InBox: Matt! How are you?
Matt: Fine, you?
InBox: Well…
Matt: I knew it!
InBox: Have you seen what happened on Sunday?
Matt: No…
InBox: Check this out…
Matt: WHAT!
InBox: I know!
Matt: So he emailed her from home.
InBox: That f*cking laptop!
Matt: But she didn’t see it until Monday.
InBox: I know – but then she went ballistic and wrote him a novel. Do you know how long it takes him to read all that crap?
Matt: She gushes over him writing her on a Sunday…
Spidey: What are we doing?
InBox: Who is that?
Matt: Spidey, meet InBox, InBox, this is Spidey.
InBox: Whose side are you on?
Spidey: Whoever cooks me breakfast!
Matt: He’s a beta version.
InBox: Riiiiiight!
Spidey: And you are?
InBox: The gateway.
Spidey: Your dude is creepily silent!
InBox: He’s dreamy, not creepy!
Spidey: Oh another one who’s into him. What are the odds. Must be torture, Matt.
Matt: Don’t go there.
InBox: Of course he left me in the darkness. I only know about the Sunday extravaganza because she replied to his Sunday mail on a work day.
Spidey: Let’s be fair to the man. It was entirely work related.
InBox & Matt in UniSon: Shut up!
Spidey: For fuck’s sakes! He’s just doing his job and apparently he’s too busy to do it all during regular office hours.
InBox: You don’t understand.
Spidey: Apparently not. How can you be so into somebody who’s obviously not into you?
Matt: Spidey, Fri has some wine gums hidden in the cupboard above the sink.
Spidey: Alright!
InBox: Is it mandatory that everybody in your household is insane?
Matt: He’s okay. He’s just a beta version.
InBox: Okay. But what do we do?
Matt: I don’t know. I have no power over her.
InBox: Let me see…Perhaps I can think outside the box…

InBox: Hi Honey.
J-Man: *deleting what he thinks is spam*
InBox: Sweetie, don’t do that.
J-Man: *frowning then deleting*
InBox: Please, it hurts to be trashed that easily.
J-Man: *sits up straight in his chair, clears his throat* Are you online?
Ace: Mmmm.
J-Man: Have you checked your mails today?
Ace: *looks at J-Man in surprise* Of course.
Silence
J-Man: I keep getting weird emails.
Ace: Just delete them.
J-Man: I do. But new ones appear.
Ace: Reboot.
Silence
J-Man: *sighing*
Ace: Busy?
J-Man: Yup.
InBox: Don’t erase me.
J-Man: I need a glass of water. Want anything?
Ace: Nope.
J-Man: *reboots, gets a glass of water then returns to his desk*
InBox: Don’t freak out, but I love you.
J-Man: We have worked all summer.
Ace: Mmmm.
Silence
J-Man: Looks like we’re gonna work all year without a break.
Ace: Mmmm.
InBox: Darling, come closer to the screen.
Silence
J-Man: I need a day off.
Ace: Now?
InBox: Don’t go, honey.
J-Man: Yup.
Ace: Okay.
J-Man: Okay?
Ace: Really. Okay.
J-Man: Okay.
Ace: Right.
InBox: For fuck’s sakes!

Damage Control – This is Not a Drill

Air. I need air. I’m freaked out. Of course it’s pouring down. My bike is about to drown in the parking lot.

FridayNext: Look, I just need to go…
TheBoss: *smirking* Another “I left the iron on” emergency?
FridayNext: *mumbling* Something like that.

I pedal like mad. At each junction, I text UniCorn. Absolutely no freakin’ answer from her. My lungs are bursting. Why doesn’t she reply? This is the worst-case-scenario EVAH! It’s taking forever to get to her place.

I run up the stairs and wheeze all the way. In a very non-sexy way. The-wheeze-doorbell-wheeze. I press it and don’t remove my finger. Finally the door opens.

FridayNext: What took you so lo…
Silence
FridayNext: Matt?

He stands in the doorway with a tool belt around his hips. He has a hammer in his left hand.

Matt: Hi Sweetie…
FridayNext: I don’t want to know.
Matt: She needed a spice rack in the kitchen, and she asked me if I could…
FridayNext: Whatever. Where is she?

I storm in and immediately see her in the living room.

UniCorn: Fri? What’s up?
FridayNext: Disaster! That’s what’s up!
UniCorn: I only asked if he could drill a couple of holes in the wall in the kitchen.
FridayNext: Who cares about Matt! This is serious!
UniCorn: What?
FridayNext: He knows.
UniCorn: Who?
FridayNext: *gesturing wildly with both hands and arms*
UniCorn: You need to use words for this.
FridayNext: HIM! They…both of them, probably!
UniCorn: Backtrack.
FridayNext: Office.
UniCorn: Right.
FridayNext: Lunch.
UniCorn: Right.
FridayNext: And then…the end of the world.
UniCorn: *sighing* Still not clear what you’re on about, sweets.
FridayNext: Look, there’s no going back. They know. And my reputation is ruined.
Matt: Uni, is there anything else you need done?
UniCorn: Lots!
FridayNext: What?!
UniCorn: No thank you, Matt. It’s very sweet of you to help me.
Matt: Right. I’ll ask ChessBoy if he wants to go out for a beer or somethin’.
UniCorn: Okay.
FridayNext: ChessBoy is home and yet you ask Matt to do your handy work?
UniCorn: Hello! Have you met ChessBoy?!
FridayNext: Right. Sorry. It’s just this mess, y’know.
UniCorn: I’m still not clear what the hell you’re talking about. Someone found out about something and suddenly your life is ruined.
FridayNext: Ace.
UniCorn: Oh, Renaissance Man and the Cleverest Man who ever lived.
FridayNext: It’s true. He is! How the freakin’ hell did he figure all this out?
UniCorn: Well, for somebody who’s apparently destined to win every Nobel Prize…
FridayNext: *hysterical* Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You’re not helping!
UniCorn: I’m so close to slapping you, woman! So he figured out who you really are. So big deal. It’s not like…oh.

FridayNext stares at UniCorn who gradually realises the implications.

UniCorn: OH! Honey, I’m so sorry!
FridayNext: I want to die.
UniCorn: Of course you don’t. You’re too much into teeth, hands and eyes for that.
Matt & ChessBoy in UniSon: We’re off. See you later.
FridayNext: I wanna be like the boys. They have it so easy.
UniCorn: *sarcastically* Yeah, no pressure on them. They just need to stay buff, know how to work power tools, always be able to pick us up when we fall and still make oodles of money. Piece of cake.
FridayNext: At least they make it look easy…
UniCorn: Sweetie, I’m sure this is not the end of the world. They’re the coolest guys in the world, right?
FridayNext: You think?
UniCorn: You need to work with me here. I don’t know them. But they sound cool. They looked cool at the meeting.
FridayNext: Right.
UniCorn: So they’re fine with being…exposed…like this…

I look at her and she tries to look convincing. Without a word we agree to fake optimism.

FridayNext: I better get home. Spidey said he’d cook tonight.
UniCorn: Oh joy! He’ll serve popcorn and peanut butter sandwiches.
FridayNext: I hope so.
UniCorn: Bye sweetie. See you at work tomorrow.
FridayNext: Bye.

At home Spidey opens the front door before I find my keys. He’s smiling.

Spidey: Hey, there you are! What took you so long! Come on in, it’s dinner time!
FridayNext: Uni texted you!
Spidey: What if she did? There’s popcorn and peanut butter and…wait for it…nougat! And to top it off, I’ve popped Brokeback Mountain in the dvd player. Who’s ready for a great evening? High 5, Fri!

Note from the Author:
No power tools were harmed in this entry

Friday Night at Friday's

UniCorn: Hey Spidey, bottom’s up!!!
Spidey: *giggling* Yo Matt, she’s talking to you!
UniCorn lines up ten shots, five for her, five for Spidey. The glasses spill over.
UniCorn: It’s tequila time!
Spidey: *looks slightly uncomfortable for a second then changes his mind* Alright! Here goes nothing!
Spidey licks the salt off his hand, downs all five shots and looks triumphant with a lemon slice in his mouth.
Spidey: YES! I feel alive!
UniCorn: My turn, my turn!

She picks up the salt shaker, corners an unsuspecting Matt, semi-tackles him so that his back is against the wall, rips off his t-shirt sleeve, licks his bare muscular upper arm and sprinkles it with salt. All so fast that Matt doesn’t know what’s coming to him. UniCorn licks his upper arm again, rushes to the table and gulps down all five shots all to Spidey’s cheers. Matt is bewildered and shocked and is lost for words.

Spidey: That was amazing. Replay!
UniCorn: Okay!
Matt: NO!

In the meantime…

Friday is involuntarily working late at the office. Papers and post-its are scattered all over her desk. One project down, twelve more to go. She sips some coke. She’s on her fourth bottle. The caffeine is kicking in. The phone rings.

FridayNext: Hello?
Matt: *whispering* Darling? Can you hear me?
FridayNext: What? Where are you?
Matt: I feel so violated. UniCorn is all over me!
FridayNext: Dream on, honey. Look, I’m really busy…
Matt: She licked me!
Silence
Matt: She ripped off my shirt.
FridayNext: What?
UniCorn: There you are! What are you doing in the closet? Are you talking to Fri? Give me the phone. Hi honey! Honey honey honey!
FridayNext: Are you drunk?
UniCorn: Noooooo...get off me, Matt!
Matt: I’m not doing anything!
FridayNext: What are you doing?
UniCorn: Kidding.
FridayNext: What are you up to?
UniCorn: Just showing the boys a good time. Maaaarh haaaarh.
Matt: *steals the phone back from UniCorn: I want you to come home now.
FridayNext: But I can’t. I’m so much behind still.
Matt: Really, come home!
FridayNext: Oh Matt! Get a grip. You’re a grown man.
UniCorn: Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you, Matty.
The line is disconnected.

Spidey: Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size, catches thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spiderman.
UniCorn: What a cool song!
Matt: Guys, could you help me clean up a bit?
Spidey: I know. And it’s catchy too.
UniCorn: Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever…
Spidey: You’re ruining it!
UniCorn: No, I’m not. A spider can. Spins a web…
Spidey: You’re so out of tune, woman!
UniCorn: Look Sherlock…
Matt: Spidey, use a coaster, dammit!
Spidey: Chill, dude.
UniCorn: Maaaaaatt, I’m using a coaster. Look…
Matt: Thanks. That’s very sweet of you.
UniCorn: Mega-score!
Spidey: *cheers* Uni-Corn. Uni-Corn. Get freaky on the dance floor.
UniCorn: Alright! I’m freaky, I’m freaky!
Matt: Guys, could you keep it down? The neighbours…
Spidey & UniCorn in UniSon: Relax, don’t do it when you wanna get…
FridayNext: What the hell are you doing?
Matt: Honey, you’re home.
UniCorn: Oh Sherlock!
Spidey: Yo Fri. Check this out!
Spidey & UniCorn wriggle their bottoms all around the living room. Penguin style. FridayNext looks in disbelief then she looks at Matt.
Matt: I tried to make them stop, but they wouldn’t listen.
FridayNext: Look at the mess!
Matt: I asked them to use coasters…
Spidey: Matt, you’re so whipped!
Matt: You’re so webbed.
UniCorn: *laughing hysterically* Maaaarh haaaarh. Matt, you’re adorable.
Silence
UniCorn: I mean, you’re so funny.
FridayNext: How many cosmos have you had?
UniCorn: Me? I’m not drunk.
Spidey: No, you’re wasted.
Spidey & UniCorn in UniSon: *giggling* Oh yeah!
FridayNext: I can’t believe you guys. I’ve been working my tail off all day and then I come home to this…pigsty. How can you do this to me?
UniCorn: Sweetie…
FridayNext: I’m going to bed!

FridayNext marches into the bedroom. Matt sends Spidey and UniCorn a stern look.

Spidey: Cheer up, Matt. It may never happen.
Matt: *mumbles* I know what she needs…
Spidey & UniCorn in UniSon: Ewww. We don’t want to know!
Matt: For fuck’s sakes! She needs her friends and a nice cool strawberry daiquiri.
UniCorn: Alright! That’s the spirit. I get the liquor, you get Friday.

Hanging with the Boys

Spidey: You’re so screwed, dude!
Matt: What are you on about?

They eat breakfast. It’s the first time they’ve been up before 9 am. Matt pours coffee into his cup. Spidey holds out his cup for a refill.

Spidey: I know all about it. And you’re screwed.
Matt: *sips his coffee, looks away from Spidey* I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Spidey: When are you having lunch with MumNext?
Matt: Shit!
Spidey: Gotcha!

Spidey smears butter on his piece of toast and then layers it with peanut butter and crunched chocolate chip cookies. He smears another piece of toast with a thick layer of butter and turns it into a sandwich. Matt observes in silence.

Spidey: So. You’re gonna meet your mum-in-law soon.
Matt: You’ll die of a heart attack.
Spidey: Me? I’m as fit as they come, dude.
Matt: I dare you to take a bite.
Spidey: No need to dare me. I’m gonna eat it alright.

He takes one bite and chews. He rolls his eyes in enjoyment, takes another bite and smacks his lips.

Spidey: This is beyond good.
Matt: You’ll still die.
Spidey: Of course. So will you.

Matt pours milk on his cereals. Spidey keeps smacking his lips in delight.

Matt: You’re not fitter than me.
Spidey: Sorry, you were saying?
Matt: You heard me.
Spidey: Are you challenging me?
Matt: No, I’m just saying that you’re not as fit as me.
Spidey: You’re challenging me!
Matt: *looking Spidey straight into his eyes* So what if I am?
Spidey: You’re on! Name your weapon.
Matt: What?
Spidey: I don’t know. What do men normally say when they challenge each other?
Matt: Something less medieval probably.

Spidey sighs and gulps down the rest of his sandwich. He burps. Matt giggles.

Spidey: Nice one.
Matt: Yup.
Spidey: We know that you can’t climb a wall so that’s not a challenge.
Matt: I need a motorcycle.
Spidey: *surprised* What for?
Matt: The challenge. I bet I can drive against traffic, up flights of stairs, downhill a dirt road and not fall off.
Spidey: *smirking* You or a stuntman?
Matt: What are you saying?
Spidey: You’re not an action hero, bud. Let’s find something less painful.
Matt: Jumping from a rooftop into a flat.
Spidey: Look, I don’t know what you’re bleating about…
Matt: *giggling*
Spidey: What? Oh. Friday. Ha ha. Yeah, that’s funny.
Matt: *smiling*
Spidey: I can do the roof thing. You can’t. You’ll still need a stuntman.
Matt: Water. I’ll jump from a 10 storey building into ice cold water and see how long it’ll take me to surface. I’ll hold my breath for as long as I can.
Spidey: *looking at Matt with scepticism* This isn’t about the challenge, is it?
Matt: *avoiding Spidey’s eyes* Sure it is.
Spidey: No, you just want to get hurt.
Matt: *grimacing* Nooooh…
Spidey: I’m right! You’re into pain! Disgusting!
Matt: Not like that.
Spidey: *shielding his ears with his hands* I don’t want to hear about it! Lah lah lah lah!
Matt: Get a grip! It’s not like that.
Spidey: I was THIS close to receiving uploaded images, dude. Don’t EVER do this to me again.
Matt: You’re so immature.
Spidey: Lah lah lah lah!
Matt: Shut up! I figure that if I get hurt a bit, then Friday won’t be too upset with me when she hears about my lunch with her mother.
Spidey: Oh!
Matt: I go for the sympathy card.
Spidey: Oooh!
Matt: If I’m hurt, she’ll nurse me back to health and she’ll forget about me meeting with her mother.
Spidey: Great plan! But you’re forgetting one thing.
Matt: What?
Spidey: She’s really not that into you.
Matt: Hmmm. Me thinks there’s a flaw in my plan.
Spidey: You’re such a girl at times!
Matt: Dammit!
Spidey: For fuck’s sakes! Swear like a man!
Matt: Wait…if I do something for her and get hurt while doing it, then she’ll forgive me, right?
Spidey: Depends on what…lah lah lah lah!
Matt: Nothing sexual. Something she’ll really appreciate!
Spidey: Easy. Clean her bike.
Matt: *smiling broadly* You’re a genius!
Spidey: Except that you don’t get hurt.
Matt: Dammit!
Spidey: *shaking his head*
Matt: Perhaps I don’t need to get hurt. I mean, she really loves that stupid bike and she says it could do with a good clean.
Spidey: Why does somebody as sloppy as her buy a white bike?
Matt: Beats me. But I would have to clean it today.
Spidey: She took the bike to work today.
Matt: Yeah…
Spidey: So you’re gonna see her mother tomorrow?
Matt: Yeah…
Spidey: Okay. Get dressed. I’ll take us cross-city.
Matt: Kickin’!
Spidey: Still girlie, friend.

Matt: You’re groping me!
Spidey: The pleasure is not mine!
Matt: Can’t we just…
Spidey: I need to hold onto you. Do you think it’s great to be dropped from this height?
Matt: *looking down*
Spidey: Don’t look down!
Matt: I’m gonna throw up!
Spidey: We’re almost there. Look up.
Matt: Hey, a seagull…
Spidey: There’s the school. Can you see the bike?
Matt: She usually parks it…there it is! Over there.
Spidey: Great. This time, don’t put your feet on the ground until I tell you to!
Matt: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Spidey: Sorry. Crash landing. Alright?
Matt: Wait…my heart is not sure if it should continue beating…
Spidey: *mumbling* Such a girl…

They stand next to the bike and realise that it is locked and chained in all possible ways. And it’s beyond dirty with grime.

Spidey: *shaking his head* Man, how can she ride it looking like that.
Matt: We have two choices: one is to find her office and steal the keys. The other is to abort mission and find something else to do for her.
Spidey: Her boss is…
Matt: I don’t want to meet her boss.
Spidey: Chill, man. I was just saying that her boss is…
Matt: Right. Let’s find her office.

Matt marches into the school and ignores the students. He asks for directions while Spidey lingers in the hallway.

Matt: Top floor.
Spidey: I know. I’ve been here before, y’know.
Matt: Only from the outside.
Spidey: Lead the way then.

They find the floor and close in on the offices. Voices can be heard.

Spidey: Well, we could just follow Friday’s voice. She yammers on as usual.
Matt: Male voices as well.
Spidey: Mmm.
Matt: Wait!
Spidey: What? Can’t we just sneak in and steal the freakin’ keys? I’m beginning to get bored with this mission.
Matt: Listen!

FridayNext: This is UniCorn. She’s temping.
UniCorn: Hi! You must be *giggling* Ace?

Spidey & Matt in UniSon: For fuck’s sakes!

Ace: Hello.
FridayNext: And this is J-Man.
Silence
UniCorn: Hi J-Man.
Silence
FridayNext: I still haven’t figured out which button to press, but I’ve heard him speak at other meetings.
UniCorn & J-Man in UniSon: *giggle*

Matt: For fuck’s sakes!
Spidey: We need to get out of here.
Matt: For fuck’s sakes!
Spidey: Come on.
Matt: For fuck’s sakes!
Spidey: *pushing Matt* Move!
Matt: I want to see him.
Spidey: No you don’t.
Matt: Oh yes I do.
Spidey: I’m sorry.
Matt: What for?
Spidey: *punches Matt and knocks him out*

When Matt comes to, he’s on the sofa at home. He’s bruised and his face is sore. Spidey sits in the armchair and watches him.

Matt: That hurt, bud!
Spidey: The good news is that you’re hurt. She’ll forgive you anything now.
Matt: I can’t believe she had a f*cking meeting with that man!
Spidey: It’s work.
FridayNext: *yelling* Hi guys. I’m home.
Spidey: *yelling* Friday, come quickly!
Spidey: *To Matt* She’ll be all over you, man.

FridayNext runs into the living room and sees Matt.

FridayNext: Oh sweetie! What happened! You’re hurt!
Matt: *mumbling* Oh it’s nothing…
FridayNext: Lie down. Oh sweetie…

Matt catches a glimpse of Spidey’s devilish smile. Behind FridayNext’s back, Matt shows thumbs up to Spidey.

A Day Like Any

UniCorn has a day off from the office. She’s supposed to be busy with research for her thesis but she’s been restless since she got out of bed this morning. It’s already 10 am and she’s had breakfast, taken a shower and even cleaned up after ChessBoy’s impromptu “I need porridge at 3 am and am a bit clueless as to how to work the micro thingy”. ChessBoy is fast asleep. Still. He probably won’t get up this side of noon. So what to do…

FridayNext is working her tail off at the office. TheBoss keeps moaning and complaining. It’s either about this or that. She tries to tune him out but without luck. The new offices are in a campus area which means that there are students everywhere. Apparently it’s mandatory to be blonde, busty and tanned to get into this school if you’re a woman. And tall, buffed and loud if you’re a man. Does this go for all business schools worldwide? After having shown directions to the admission office, the lavatories and the canteen (in that order), FridayNext is a bit fed up with students.

Knock knock knock knock
Matt: *yelling from under the covers* SPIDEY!
Knock knock knock knock
Matt: *whimpering* I want to sleep!
Knock knock knock knock
Spidey: Stop knocking!
Knock knock knock knock
Spidey: *opening the front door* If you knock one more time…
UniCorn is about to knock one more time, then she switches on her goofy smile.
UniCorn: *purring voice* Hi Spidey
And out come her octopus arms and he’s engulfed for a few seconds. He sighs. Counts the seconds. Accepts his fate. For now.
Spidey: Hi Uni. Why aren’t you at work?
UniCorn: *pushing forward* Day off. Can I come in?
Spidey: Matt, Uni is here.
Matt: *sighs from under his breath, gets out of bed and puts on his clothes* Right.
UniCorn: Hi Matt! Oh! Sorry! I didn’t know you weren’t dressed yet.
She doesn’t move but keeps her eyes focused on him while he puts on his jeans and shirt. Once again that goofy smile all over her face.
Spidey: Did you happen to bring breakfast?
UniCorn: Are you insane? Matt, is that a new shirt?
Matt: This one? Dunno.
Spidey: We’re hungry, Uni.
UniCorn: Make some breakfast, then. It looks good with those jeans.
Spidey: *under his breath* Leave him alone.
UniCorn: Sorry? Did you say anything of importance?
Spidey: Breakfast. I need carbs. I want rolls, bread, the whiter the better.
UniCorn: You won’t find that stuff in Fri’s cupboards!
Spidey: I know! So go get us some.
UniCorn: *giving him the evil eye* Excuse me?
Matt: I’ll go…
Spidey: Great. Thanks bud.
UniCorn: I’ll come with you!
Spidey: Unbelievable!
UniCorn: What are you on about?
Spidey: *chickens out* The news. Did you hear about…
Matt: Right, let’s go then.
UniCorn: *sends Spidey a warning look* See you soon.

The big hand is not moving at all. It’s been stuck at 5 for at least two hours now! FridayNext is convinced that the clock will be 11.05 forever. It’ll never be lunchtime. It’ll never be time to go home. No emails. No correspondence. No emergencies. No phone calls. She misses UniCorn.

UniCorn and Matt are on their way back from the bakery. He has his hands full of bread and cakes. UniCorn explains the difference between good carbs and bad carbs. Suddenly Spidey jumps out from the bushes.

Spidey: SURPRISE!
UniCorn: Oh!
Matt: *screaming like a girl and dropping the bags* AAAAH!
Spidey: *laughing* Dude that’s so not cool!
UniCorn: You scared us.
Matt: There goes your breakfast. Dude!
Spidey: No!
UniCorn: Serves you right for scaring us.

Matt & Spidey pick up the bags while UniCorn watches them.

UniCorn: Give me the keys.
Matt & Spidey don’t reply.
UniCorn: Hello, keys, please!
Matt: I don’t have the keys.
Spidey: Didn’t you bring keys yourself?
UniCorn: Look Sherlock, would I be asking if I did?
Spidey: I didn’t bring keys.
Silence
UniCorn: You are kidding.
Matt: Spidey, it’s not funny. I want some coffee now…
Spidey: I’m not joking.
UniCorn: Why did you leave the flat without keys?
Spidey: Why did you?
UniCorn: Because you were in the flat when we left. God!
Spidey: Well, you can call me Spidey…
Matt: Really shouldn’t joke right now.
UniCorn: I’m gonna pummel you to death!
Matt: EASY! I’m sure that we can find a way in.
UniCorn: *seething with anger*
Spidey: So…you’re a bit temperamental, aren’t you, Uni?
Matt: Spidey!

UniCorn stretches out her arms to throttle Spidey but Matt intervenes and stands between them

Matt: Look, we just need to focus and find a solution. Shouldn’t be a problem.
Silence

Ring ring ring
At last. A phone call. Something that demands action. She’s been staring out of the window for ten minutes.

FridayNext: Hello?
Matt: Hi Sweetie!
FridayNext: Matt? Hi. How are you?
Matt: I’m fine, darling. How are you?
FridayNext: Fine. I’m a bit busy here, honey.
Matt: Right. Sorry.
UniCorn: Hi Fri!
FridayNext: Uni? Is that you?
Matt: Give me the phone! Honey, I was wondering…
Spidey: Yo Fri. How’s it all hanging?
FridayNext: Well, gravity is surely pulling, if that’s what you mean, Spidey.
UniCorn: What did she say? I couldn’t hear.
Spidey: Something about gravity. I didn’t get it.
UniCorn: Give me the phone.
Matt: STOP IT. BOTH OF YOU! Fri, can you hear me?
FridayNext: Everybody at campus can hear you. What’s going on?
Matt: We went out and we can’t get in.
FridayNext: What?
UniCorn: *screaming next to Matt who’s holding on to the phone* Spidey locked us out!
FridayNext: What?
UniCorn & Spidey in a verbal row while Matt steps away from them.
Matt: We’re kind of locked out. And your mum has a spare key, right? So I thought that if you could just give me her number then I’d call her and ask her over…
FridayNext: Are you insane?
Matt: Or we could go to her place and pick up the key…
FridayNext: You are so not calling her!
Matt: Right. I just thought…
Spidey: Wait!
Matt: What?
FridayNext: Hello?
UniCorn: What now, Sherlock?
Spidey: I know how we can get in.
Matt: Sweetie, Spidey has found a way for us to get in. Sorry about all this.
FridayNext: Promise you won’t call my mum!
Matt: Promise. I’ll see you tonight! Love you.

Ring ring ring
FridayNext: Hello?
Caller: Hello, is this Ms FridayNext?
FridayNext: This is she.
Caller: I’m calling from the police station…
FridayNext: Oh?
Caller: We have arrested a man in orange clothes. He was…I know this sounds insane, but he was crawling up the tower block where you live, and he says that you can vouch for him. And his two friends.

In ten minutes she’s out of the door with a lame excuse such as “I forgot to switch off the iron” to TheBoss and she leaves her bike at the school and jumps on the train.

Matt: I’m sorry, Friday.
FridayNext: Don’t speak to me!
Spidey: We’re all sorry.
FridayNext: Don’t speak to me!
UniCorn: Awww, Fri. My best friend ever!
FridayNext: Don’t…
UniCorn: You need a group hug. Come here…
FridayNext: Don’t…
They all close in on FridayNext and squeeze her.
UniCorn: And did you check out that cute policeman at the desk?
FridayNext: Mmm…
UniCorn: He’s kinda dishy…
FridayNext: Mmm…
UniCorn: He reminded me of someone…
FridayNext: …with teeth…
UniCorn: …hands and eyes!
FridayNext: Yeah!
Matt: Thanks for making me feel repellent!
UniCorn: Awww, you need a hug!
FridayNext: From me!

UniCorn and Spidey look in disbelief as FridayNext hugs Matt who cannot believe what’s happening.

UniCorn: Oh! Wait a minute… I got an extra key to the flat.
Silence
UniCorn: And it’s right here in my bag…
Silence
UniCorn: Maaaaah haaaaah. I completely forgot…
Spidey: Oh Sherlock!
FridayNext: Well, at least you didn’t call my mum!
Matt: Ha ha, right. That would have been somethin’.

MumNextTextMessage: Hello Matt. I didn’t know Friday was seeing someone. I’d be happy to have lunch with you one day.