Guest Speaker: Dating a Real Man

Everybody’s too busy, depressed or medicated to come to the blog today so I’ve been invited to take up some space and why not base this talk on a personal encounter with the opposite sex? This blog could do with some titbits about real sex instead of moans about Graphic Designers, how to build imaginary boyfriends and soppy tributes to UniCorn (and Graphic Designers…).

So not another word about J-Men or Aces or UniCorns. Let’s get down and dirty instead. We have now reached the point of no return:

Once upon a time…an Arab man wrote me and included several pics of himself, and we liked. We liked a lot! Not too tall, appropriatedly clothed and brown eyes. Everything you want in a man. Shortly thereafter he phoned and he had this wonderful voice, going dark and deep and woof!

So we liked him even better.

Days passed. Nights passed. Regularly. Long distance calls were made in the middle of the night. Irregularly. On cell phones. Two words: expensive calls.

Excerpts:

ArabMan: What are you wearing?
Me: I’m under the covers.
ArabMan: And?
Me: Well, I’m naked under the covers, so nothing, I guess.
ArabMan: Ooooooh!
Me: You think?
ArabMan: Yes!
Me: What are you wearing?
ArabMan: PJs.
Me: Oooooh, sexy!
ArabMan: Shut up!
Me: No, seriously. Are they flannel?

Later, same conversation:

Me: I can purr like a kitten, wanna hear?
ArabMan: Of course!
Me: *purring*
ArabMan: *whispering* I’m so hot!
Me: You should take off the covers, perhaps strip from the PJs if you’re hot.
Silence
Me: Oh…you’re hot!
ArabMan: Yes, silly!

The next step from dirty pillow talks is meeting on neutral grounds and see if sexy conversation can only be carried out over the phone. So we decided to meet in a very public place. Lots of people, children and dogs (for some reason) and loudspeakers and crackling voices from the aforementioned loudspeakers. And also trains. But that goes without saying. Trains are mandatory in a good story about sex.

We agreed that we should go slow, talk at random and then decide if we’d like to hang out. So I went to the place, a bit late, and there he was, looking for me and I saw him and… We forgot about going slow. Being a coy woman I waltzed straight into his arms and planted a big smackeroo on his lips. Two seconds later tongues were involved. For the life of me I couldn’t remember his name, but vital information is bound to be lost in the heat of action.

ArabMan: Honey.
Me: Darling.
ArabMan: You look so young!
Me: I love you!

And then we went on a train home to my place. Because he was truly interested in seeing my stamp collection.

Giggling and groping we finally made it up the stairs and he immediately went to the restroom. So I pretended to be busy hanging our jackets in the closet but really waiting to show off my place.

Me: Oh my god!
ArabMan: What?
Me: You’re naked!
ArabMan: Of course I’m naked, honey. Where’s the bedroom?
Me: Right here! But I mean…god, you’re…naked…
ArabMan: I’m up here, honey.
Me: *giggling and blushing slightly* And you’re deliciously brown!
I ran fingers down his spine and thought of milk chocolate – the greatest kind.

Afterwards we went for Chinese and he bullied me and made me laugh and giggle and I was completely and utterly besotted.

The next day he cooked for me in the evening. He bossed me around in the kitchen, told me to peel onions, garlic, chop-chop. He sat down on a chair while stirring the rice. He only had on a T-shirt and shorts. And he knew exactly how insanely good-looking he was.

After dinner and a detour to the bedroom, we switched on the telly and watched the news. He demanded that I lie next to him on the sofa and I tried to make myself comfortable.

Me: You need to move your elbow. There’s not enough room for me.
ArabMan: That’s not my elbow, honey.
Me: Whatever it is, it takes up too much space.
ArabMan: *looking me deep into my very blue eyes*
Me: Oh god…

We also did the great goodbye scene at the airport:

ArabMan: Honey.
Me: Darling.
ArabMan: I’ll miss you.
Me: I’ll miss you terribly.
ArabMan: I’ll text you.
Me: I’ll call you.
ArabMan: I love you.
Me: I adore you.
ArabMan: Kiss me.
Me: Try and stop me!
And then we went to Smoochville for a while. In public.

On this note I’ll love you and leave you. And bear in mind: there are real people out there. And some are great. Some are not. But please please please: get over those men who are not interested in you. Whether or not they are brilliant with a Mac. You deserve so much more.

Guest Speaker: Anon

It Doesn't Make Sense

The door’s open and it feels too real. I change my mind and back down the stairs, but somebody pushes me onwards. I glance over my shoulder. Spidey is there. He doesn’t say anything but he nods encouragingly and I sigh. I know he’s right. I have to do this. And I must do it on my own. So I take a deep breath and walk inside.

FridayNext: Hello. My name is Friday...
Observer: Don’t tell us! Everybody here is anonymous!
FridayNext: Alright. Hello, my name is ….
Observer: Right on.
FridayNext: My blog has taken over my life...
ANON A: Mine too! Isn’t it great?
FridayNext: *looking slightly confused* Well…
ANON B: The best thing is that you can write whatever you want.
ANON C: Nobody cares about contents anyway.
ANON A: I beg to differ.
Observer: And how do you feel?
FridayNext: Me? Oh. Well, I’d like to live ‘out there’ in the real world…
ANON Multiple: *sucking in air in disbelief*
FridayNext: *looks at them all* Please don’t do that. You’re scaring me.
Observer: But why are you really here?
FridayNext: I stalk somebody who’s too indifferent even to notice.
Observer: Ouch.
FridayNext: Exactly.
Observer: Why him?
FridayNext: Basically because I love him.
Observer: Do you?
FridayNext: Oh I don’t know. I have barely had a conversation with him for more than two minutes at a time and it’s always been about work. But I like his attitude. I like the way he moves about. And then he’s got these great teeth that I adore.

Spidey: Yo.
Matt: Yo.
Spidey: Yo yo.
Matt: Yo yo yo.
Spidey: I sent her off.
Matt: Thanks.
Spidey: It’s hard on her.
Matt: Yeah.
Spidey: Hopefully everything will return to normal soon.
Matt: Normal? But that’s exactly what she isn’t and that’s why I love her.
Spidey: You know what I mean. Us, hanging out. All of us.
Matt: It’s not just about J-Man.
Spidey: No.
Matt: No.

FridayNext: And he does these silly things sometimes. For instance, he sends me riddles. And I never know the answers. And then he accepts that I send ice cream through his email. I like his sneakers. He’s kind of retro in a very modern way. But he’s so young. And I like him. But he’s young. And trendy. And I’m a sheep. And not trendy. At least not trendy enough.
Observer: Perhaps somebody else would like to speak now?
FridayNext: Oi, I haven’t finished!
Observer: But…
FridayNext: And then I miss her. I miss her most of all.
Observer: Who?
FridayNext: HER. Hello, Sherlock!

On my way home I realise that the medication has kicked in. I’m not as anxious as I was just last week. I miss her terribly, but I know that she’ll come back when she’s had a breather. Like some of us need when we hit autumn with darkness and rain and falling leaves.

Matt: Hi sweetie.
FridayNext: Hi honey.
Matt: How’s your day been?
FridayNext: Alright. Nice to be home.
Matt: Yeah.
FridayNext: Perhaps we could do something this weekend?
Matt: Us?
FridayNext: Yeah, you and me. Just us.
Matt: I’d like that.
FridayNext: Yeah, so do I. Perhaps go see a film.
Matt: And have sushi afterwards?
FridayNext: Oh, I think I’ve had my share of sushi for a while. But we’ll find a place, surely.
Matt: Great.
FridayNext: What would you like to have for dinner tonight?
Matt: Oh! Ahm, I’m really not that fussy.
FridayNext: No, you’re not. Thank you. I’ll fix us something nice.

Spidey: Oh my god, they de-programmed her!
Matt: Shut up! I like her that way!
Spidey: Too mushy. At least she’s still in love with her bike.

Wednesday

In the morning she packs a bag with her best clothes. High-heels as well. Volume enhancing mousse and wax – not a strain of hair will fall out of place. She sneaks the bag out of the flat. The boys are fast asleep. It’s pitch dark and she longs to get on her bike for an hour’s drive to work. Clear her head, dream about today. Today of all days. It’ll finally happen. She’s been longing for this for months and months.

Halfway to work she has to stop to catch her breath. And to throw up. The prospect is daunting. What if… What with… How to… One minute she’s sure of herself, the next she hates herself more than ever. This could change life for good.

Spidey: *screaming* It’s Wednesday!
Matt: Pipe down, will ya?
Spidey: *whispers* It’s Wednesday.
Matt: *sighs* Yup. Pour me another cup of coffee.
Spidey: Any plans for today? Now that it’s Wednesday?
Matt: Not really.
Spidey: Mid-week.
Matt: Hand me the paper.
Spidey: Weeeeednesdaaaay…
Matt: Paper!
Spidey: *hands Matt the paper* Wednesday!
Matt: *hits Spidey over the head with the paper* Shut up! Why is Wednesday suddenly so interesting?

At work she checks her emails. Her heart skips several beats when she sees his name. She super-clicks it and reads. She can barely focus. Change of plans. But not in a bad way. Let’s meet somewhere else. That sushi place in town? You like sushi? She smiles. They’re on for lunch. TheBoss is out of office all week. Nobody stands in her way to have a lunch meeting in town.

She leaves her bike at the school. She tries not to cry and kiss the handlebars. She is dressed to conquer the world. She feels great, walks tall and wide…ahm…erase the last bit. Gets on the metro and zooms into the city. She’s early.

Half an hour later it feels as if she’s still early. Or perhaps time has stopped everywhere else in the world. No text. No call. No show. She asks the waiter over.

FridayNext: I’d like number M12, please
Waiter: To go?
FridayNext: No. To eat here.
Waiter: Would you like to order a drink before your company arrives?
FridayNext: I’m here on my own. No company.
Waiter: You do know that there are 28 pieces of sushi in number M12?
FridayNext: Are you calling me fat?
Waiter: No! It’s just…28 pieces for lunch is quite a…I’ll get your drink.
FridayNext: I haven’t ordered one yet! Give me something alcoholic.
Waiter: Pardon?
FridayNext: Something Japanese with lots of alcohol in it! Please.

She downs the Japanese beer in two minutes. It tastes foul and bitter, but she orders one more. The waiter avoids eye contact. Twenty minutes later the sushi arrives and she breaks apart the sticks and digs in. After having gobbled down ten pieces in a couple of minutes she slows down. The cell is next to her plate. It’s silent. Nobody contacts her.

She drinks the second beer slowly and tries not to grimace when she swallows the liquid. This is the worst date she’s ever been on, and she has had a few under her belt over the years. Twenty-five pieces later she’s full, but the waiter keeps an eye on her so she finishes up and calls him over.

FridayNext: I’d like a piece of chocolate cake for dessert, please. And another beer.
Waiter: Sure Madam.

He comes back too quickly with the dessert. She is close to pukeville when she sees the large piece on the plate. But she does what a sheep must do and eats it. Slowly. Very slowly. Her stomach is caving in. It pleads with her, begs her to stop eating. And yet she finishes the cake and swallows the beer. Having paid the bill, she waddles and burps simultaneously back to the metro.

It calls for some kind of comeback. She is not sure what to do or how to do it, but she is convinced that she needs to send back a message to him. In a split second she jumps on the metro in his direction. Before she can consider the consequences she is on her way to his office. It’s payback time.

The sushi and cake weigh her down and the beers make her vision blurry at best. Still she is determined to follow through and she asks for directions a zillion times until she finally finds the new offices. She rings the doorbell. No answer. She keeps pressing the bell. Nothing. This is beyond belief. Nobody treats her with ignorance. It’s worse than anything!

She picks up rubble and pebbles from the pavement and throws up pieces to the windows she imagines he hides behind. Most of the fragments fall down in her head.

FridayNext: *yelling* Oi you stupid GraphicDesignBoy! Open the frickin’ door and let me in!

The debris makes her even angrier when it hits her and she throws more into the air, not realising the concept of gravity.

FridayNext: *yelling* I won’t be your groupie anymore. Do you hear me? NO MORE! You’re on your own, you...you...delicious DJ-Man. I’m fed up with this. I want to be an idol now. I want somebody to adore me. Somebody to be my groupie.

The busy street is suddenly empty, but she doesn’t notice. She rummages through her handbag as if to find a clue of what to do next. Lo and behold. Up comes a tube of superglue.

FridayNext: *yelling* This was meant for you! Are you aware how many people that would love to get superglued to me? Huh? At least you could come to the window, you insanely gorgeous man!

But there’s nobody to be seen in the windows and the front door is still locked and bolted. Once again she rummages through her bag. She takes out a tennis ball.

FridayNext: *yelling* If you catch the balls I throw you, it means that you’re in it for life, honey. And I threw them at you, and you caught some of them. Not many, but some. And that means something!

She holds up her left arm with the ball in her hand. She waves the arm around for him to see the ball.

FridayNext: *screaming in a shrill voice close to breaking into hysterics* It means something, do you hear me?
Neighbours: *yelling* Shut up and leave.
FridayNext: *yelling* You shut up! It’s a free country!

She paces up and down the pavement, out of pebbles. She mumbles to herself.

FridayNext: Goddammit, I’m super nice. I’m super funny. And I could have made you laugh, you...you...would look great in velvet!

Once again she looks up at the windows.

FridayNext: *yelling* I love you! I LOVE YOU. What do you wanna do about that, eh?
Neighbours: *yelling* You’re trespassing. Please leave.
FridayNext: *yelling* You leave! You leave, you…so and so. I’ll vomit on you!
Neighbours: *yelling* We’ll call the police if you don’t leave now.
FridayNext: *yelling* Make me. Make my day. And superglue is only for the chosen ones!
Neighbours: *yelling* He’s not interested, you sheep!
FridayNext: *yelling* Shut up you muthafrickin’...

In her excitement, she throws the tennis ball and breaks one of the windows. One of his windows. Five minutes later the police arrive and escort her away from the premises. She tries to use her intellectual wit to persuade them to let her go.

FridayNext: Look, I’m green, goddammit! GREEN! I have rights, you know!

However, they don’t listen and take her down to the station.

A phone call from the inside to the outside:
Spidey: Wouldn’t it be best if UniCorn bailed you out?
FridayNext: Are you insane? She must never know about this!
Spidey: First of all, I’m not the one in custody for stalking somebody who’s not even IN THE FREAKING HOUSE.
FridayNext: He should have been!
Spidey: But he wasn’t.
FridayNext: Are you coming down or what?
Spidey: I’m kinda busy right now…
FridayNext: You move that butt of yours and be here in two minutes!
Spidey: Should I bring Matt?
FridayNext: Oh yeah, please do. I’m sure he’d love to see me behind bars. What do you think, Sherlock?
Spidey: On my way. On my own. And chill, woman.
FridayNext: *screaming* censored by higher powers

Ace: How hung over are you?
J-Man: Too hung over!
Ace: Me too!
J-Man: I’m more hung over than you.
Ace: I very much doubt that.
J-Man: I’m sure of it.
Ace: We should measure it. That thingy that the police use.
J-Man: Yeah, that thingy. That…let’s breathe and see the result-thingy.
Ace: Exactly. It ought to have a shorter name.
J-Man: It should.
Ace: Yeah.
J-Man: Perhaps it does.
Ace: Yeah.
J-Man: We could probably google it.
Ace: Yeah. Nice. Let’s do that.
J-Man: Did you bring the keys to the office?
Ace: They’re in my pants.
J-Man: What pants?
Ace: Hopefully this pair that I’m wearing.
J-Man: I’m too drunk to listen to you.
Ace: Me too.
J-Man: How wasted are you?
Ace: Too wasted, man.
J-Man: Is this our office?
Ace: I hope so. I can’t walk another mile in these shoes.
Both laugh hysterically.
Ace: You talk a lot when you’re drunk.
J-Man: Do I?
Ace: Yup.
J-Man: I wonder why that is.
Ace: And you sound really clever as well.
J-Man: Do I?
Ace: Yup.
J-Man: I wonder why that is.
Ace: I found the keys!
J-Man: So fingers crossed that this is our office!
Ace miraculously opens the door and they walk into the office.
Ace: Hey, somebody opened a window.
J-Man: Cool.
Ace: Who did that?
J-Man: Why did we go to the office?
Ace: I don’t remember. If you crash in your chair, I’ll crash in my chair.
J-Man: Sounds great to me.

InBox: Hey, is Friday home?
Matt: Yeah. She went straight to bed. No dinner or anything.
InBox: Right.
Matt: Spidey says he bumped into her in town.
InBox: Oh?
Matt: Apparently she forgot her bike at work.
InBox: Really?
Matt: Spidey has gone for it. He offered voluntarily. It’s not like him.
InBox: Well, it’s nice of him.
Matt: Sure. I just wish I could have done it instead.
InBox: I’m sure she’ll be grateful for your help as well.
Matt: But I haven’t done anything.
InBox: Sometimes just being there is help enough, Matt.
Matt: It just doesn’t make sense to me. How are you?
InBox: Fine. Just fine. Look, I have some correspondence I need to expunge before J-Man comes to…I mean, comes to work tomorrow. So talk to you later, okay?
Matt: Great. Cheers.

Sleepless in the Suburbs

She can’t sleep. She tosses and turns and accidentally hits Matt in the face.

Matt: What the hell…
FridayNext: Oh, sorry. Are you awake?
Matt: I am now…
FridayNext: I can’t sleep.
Matt: I’m tired.
FridayNext: So am I but I can’t sleep.
Matt: Tough.
FridayNext: *sucks in air in disbelief*
Matt: Go watch some telly, will ya. You’re all over the bed.
FridayNext: You’re supposed to stay awake with me.
Matt: Well, you’re supposed to love me but you don’t!
FridayNext: Oh you’re so cranky!
Matt: Because you won’t let me sleep, woman!
FridayNext: Woman! I’m so taking the duvet with me, honey!

And she leaves the bedroom in a frightful mood. On her way to the living room she makes a detour to the kitchen and raids the cupboards for snacks. No need for lights to find the cookies and crisps. Instead of cola she opts for the healthy bottle of water. For once. She mumbles incoherently to herself on her way into the living room. The lights are on. She shields her eyes from the lights.

Spidey: What are you doing up?
FridayNext: What are you doing up?
Spidey: What’s that? Cookies?
FridayNext: I found your stash.
Spidey: It’s supposed to be in the secret cupboard.
FridayNext: Above the stove. Yeah, Sherlock. The secret cupboard. Shesh, were you born stupid?
Spidey: Will you shut up?
FridayNext: Sorry. I’m so tired and I can’t sleep and…

She opens the pack of cookies in anything but a delicate way and the cookies go all over the floor. Spidey sighs but avoids putting his foot in her mistake. She drops the duvet and flops down on the sofa. Close to tears.

FridayNext: I feel like a failure, Spidey.
Spidey: We are not having this conversation, Fri.
FridayNext: Can you see Uni here? No? So you better step in and humour me.
Spidey: You’re not a failure. Why would you be? Look at you. You’re green. You’re a sheep. You have a kick ass bike. You have a helmet. And you have a job. You live with the two coolest men on the face of the earth. Of course I’m the coolest of us, but Matt really isn’t that bad. For a man. If you’re into men. Which of course I’m not. Did you bring crisps as well?

She fumbles with the duvet and finally she is wrapped like a mummy, warm and cosy and cocoonish.

FridayNext: What if Wednesday blows up in my face?
Spidey: It won’t.
FridayNext: It might. It’s bound to. In a way. Why oh why oh why.
Spidey: Hey, that’s my line!
FridayNext: Goddddddd, I just wish…wish…wish…
Spidey: What?
FridayNext: That life would be easy for once. That everything would fall into place. The right place that is.
Spidey: The Closer is on…
FridayNext: I love Kyra Sedgwick!
Spidey: Wanna be alone with the telly?
FridayNext: Hah hah – funny, Spidey. Give me some of the crisps.
Spidey: Catch!

For a split second she forgets she’s wrapped in the duvet and she tries to lift her arms inside the duvet, but instead she keels to her right ending up face down on the sofa.

Spidey: Jesus, you look like a turd. As if somebody just pooped on the sofa. Disgusting.
FridayNext: *mumbling with half the sofa in her mouth* Help me…

Wednesday is around the corner and she’s no longer giddy with anticipation. She’s tired and scared and wonders if she did the right thing. Oh Wednesday…

SurpriseMissionPossible

UniCorn is running around the apartment. She has kicked ChessBoy out for the evening and is expecting a pair of guests. She wants it to be a great night and has shopped for popcorn and fruits and all kinds of goodies. At precisely eight o’clock there’s a knock on the door. Her two birds go absolutely crazy at the prospect of other people in the appartment and make a racket in their cage. She opens the door to find two dear people on the landing.

UniCorn: Hi guys! Right on time!
Matt: *hugging her because he knows that’s the only way he will be able to get into the apartment* Hi Uni
Spidey: *high-fives Uni, cause they are just not at the hugging stage of their relationship yet, and the last time Uni tried to hug him he spun web around her legs so she tripped over* Yo, what’s up, Uni
UniCorn: Come on in
Spidey: *entering the living room and closing in on the cage, finger first* Whatzup birdies
UniCorn: Be nice or I’ll make them bite you real hard
Spidey: *backing away from the cage* I have a thing with sharp things like needles and… beaks, so no worries…

UniCorn asks them to sit down and they crash her couch. She gets them drinks and Spidey helps himself to the bowl of popcorn on the table.

UniCorn: Right, so how did you get away?
Spidey: *with his mouth full of popcorn* E us o er a whe e oin o e un
UniCorn: *staring at Spidey with a mixture of disbelief and amusement* Matt, translate, please.
Matt: What he’s trying to say is that we just told her that we were going for a run. But then she asked if she could ride her bike alongside…
Spidey: *finished with his popcorn for now* Yeah, so I told her that Mattie here has some serious issues that he needed to discuss – you know, guy-things in the guy-region.
Matt: And she said “Ew” and agreed to let us go alone.
UniCorn: Great! So she’s got no clue.

UniCorn gets up, goes into the office and comes back with a small binder.

UniCorn: Right, guys, we need to find out how to do this. She cannot know what is going on, it has to be a complete surprise.
Matt: This means that ‘somebody’ has to keep his mouth absolutely shut

UniCorn and Matt both look intently at Spidey who acts as if he has no clue what they are on about.

Matt: Anyway, how do we get it up there without her seeing it?
UniCorn: I have thought a lot about that and the only thing I can think of is that we need to create a diversion. A big one.
Spidey: *flinging his hand in the air and bobbing up and down in the couch* Hey, pick me! I can do that!
UniCorn: Yeah, we know. But you cannot do anything that upsets her too much. So don’t ruin the bed or pull down the kitchen cabinets again, right.
Spidey: Aw, no fun.
UniCorn: Seriously, Spidey, this is supposed to be a good surprise so it’s no good to upset her.
Spidey: *pouting* Alright, I’ll think of something.
UniCorn: And remember that you have to keep her in the bedroom or kitchen so that Matt and I have free access to the living room and balcony.
Spidey: Oh, I know! I’ll talk her into helping me make my famous SpideyCookies – she’ll love them. They’re all crunchy and sweet and orange.
UniCorn: Great idea. Good, so that’s in the bag.
Matt: So you and I have to find some way to get it up there and secure it while Spidey is in the kitchen with Friday.

UniCorn opens the binder, leafs through the papers and fishes out a piece of paper with a drawing on it. She puts it on the table and the three of them lean forward to get a better look.

UniCorn: Ok, this is SurpriseMissionPossible. While Spidey is diverting Friday in the kitchen, Matt leaves the apartment at exactly 11.47 in the morning. You take the stairs so that Friday will not puzzle at the sound of the elevator. You sneak around the block to the big patch of grass in the back. You are now at the right side of the building – away from Friday.
Spidey: *pointing at a weird looking thing on the picture* What’s that?
UniCorn: *annoyed at being interrupted* That’s the carousel that Friday and I had a blast on.
Spidey: What do we need it for?
UniCorn: We don’t. It’s just to sort of mark where things are.
Spidey: Why not put down all the other things then?
UniCorn: *exasperated* Does this really matter, Spidey.
Matt: That would be UniCorn for ‘Shut up already’
UniCorn: Thank you, Matt.
Spidey: *nudging Matt in the ribs* Traitor
UniCorn: Stop it. Let’s move on. At precisely noon, the guy will arrive with the thing. It will be huge and may draw a good deal of attention from the people living in the block. Again this is why we are keeping Friday in the kitchen. Now comes the problem of getting the thing up to Friday. It will not fit in the elevator, not even in the staircase, so I propose that we take it up on the outside of the building. I will go onto the balcony and drop a long rope down to you Matt. You will fasten the thing on the rope, leave the guy with instructions to just sort of follow what we are doing, and then you will walk up the stairs and join me on the balcony. Then we will begin the process of pulling the thing up. I know it is seven floors, but I have heard that it is really not that heavy and might even be able to help on itself, sort of.
Spidey: Hey, question. Why do you two get to have all the fun and I’m stuck in the kitchen?
Matt: As far as I remember, you just volunteered to do the diversion thing.
Spidey: Oh, right. Bummer.
UniCorn: So when we have the thing level with the balcony, we fasten the rope and then it is time to fetch Friday and Spidey. Spidey, you will blindfold her…
Spidey: What?! She’ll never let me do that! Not after the water-incident.
UniCorn: Listen, Spidey, figure it out – you can tell her it is a surprise or whatever. Just make sure she does not leave the kitchen without the blindfold.
Spidey: Right, ok.
UniCorn: And that should be it. Spidey, you guide her into the living room and then you pull the blindfold off of her and we all scream surprise.

UniCorn: *beside herself with excitement* Oh, it’s going to be soooo cool! I can’t wait! I’m so happy you’re with me on it; I could never have done it alone.
Spidey: Anything for a good surprise and a good laugh.
Matt: Anything for my Friday.
UniCorn: Meeting adjourned! SurpriseMissionPossible has been set in motion!

What's with Wednesday?

FRIDAY

She is determined not to let it get to her. There could be many reasons why she hasn’t heard from her. But it’s close to noon and in her message she asked if they should have late lunch because she’d leave early from work. Not a word. She’s been checking her cell several times all morning. Nothing.

A big deal goes through ten minutes to noon so she’s happy when she closes down and leaves for the weekend. Despite the silent treatment from her best friend. It is such a big deal that she’s giddy with excitement and she can barely contain herself. But at the same time it’s a big wonderful secret.

On her way home she thinks about the big deal. TheBoss is out of office next week and it means she’ll be the hostess. This is almost equivalent to being the Mistress of the Universe for a split second. At least in her mind.

Matt meets her in the hallway at home. He smiles and tries to kiss her hello but she avoids him. As usual. He sighs from under his breath but keeps on the brave smile. In the kitchen she bumps into Spidey.

FridayNext: *horrified by the mess* Oh my god, what are you doing?
Spidey: Hi Fri. Just making fried toast.
FridayNext: Are you insane? There’re eggs and sugar everywhere!
Spidey: Mmm, nice. Need sugar on the side.
Matt: How’s your day been, honey?
FridayNext: Alright, Matt. Spidey, I can’t tolerate this.
Spidey: Chill, woman, it’s just a kitchen.
FridayNext: *in castrato pitched voice* You have ruined nearly every surface in the kitchen with your web or lousy cooking! I used to love my kitchen and look at it now: dried up web remnants on the cupboards. It’s impossible to clean.
Matt: Sweetie, come into the living room. Spidey will clean up in a minute. Come on, let’s go.
FridayNext: He’s ruining the kitchen.
Matt: *guiding her to the living room* I know, sweetness. But it’ll be alright. It’s the weekend now.
FridayNext: *sighing* I know.
Matt: And you’re home early. That’s nice.
FridayNext: *absent-minded* Yeah.
Matt: Do you have any plans for the weekend?
FridayNext: No. Oh, I need to have my hair fixed. And I thought of shopping for clothes. Perhaps a pair of boots as well.
Matt: Right.
FridayNext: For work.
Matt: Okay.
FridayNext: I have a big meeting on Wednesday, you see.
Matt: Really?
FridayNext: Yeah. So…will go shopping tomorrow.
Matt: With UniCorn?
FridayNext: No.
Matt: Oh?
FridayNext: Will you get me a glass of diet coke, please? I just can’t cope with the kitchen experience right now.
Matt: Sure, honey.

SATURDAY

FridayNextEmail: Hi there. I cannot wait to see you Wednesday! It’s been too long!
Five minutes later
FridayNextEmail: It’s all about balls and glue. You either stick to people or throw them a ball and you hope they’ll catch it. I hope you can catch mine.
Ten minutes later
FridayNextEmail: I don’t know why it’s so important. It just is. And soon it’ll be Wednesday.
Thirty minutes later
FridayNextEmail: Wednesday will happen and that’s so cool. Like you.

Matt: I don’t know why she chose you.
Spidey: Why oh why oh why!
Matt: Just go with her.
Spidey: One minute she yells at me, the next she wants to hang out with me.
Matt: And why does her erratic behaviour surprise you now?
Spidey: Good point. What’s up with Uni?
Matt: Apparently that’s a topic you should avoid.
Spidey: Please don’t say that they have fallen out. Then she’ll hang with us all the time.
Matt: Y’know, I’d really like that. For real.
Spidey: Luckily I’m not you and it’d drive me nuts to have her chase me around all day.
Matt: Just go with her, alright?
Spidey: Goddddddd!

FridayNext: Do you like my new hair?
Spidey: It’s…green.
FridayNext: Of course it is.
Spidey: Why a new do now?
FridayNext: Oh, you know. Time for a change.
Spidey: Ditto with the clothes?
FridayNext: Yeah, I need some new outfits for the office.
Spidey: Why?
FridayNext: It’s a woman thing. You wouldn’t understand.
Spidey: Apparently not.
FridayNext: How about this one?
Spidey: Oh my god! Take it off!
FridayNext: What’s wrong with it?
Spidey: It’s practically see-through!
FridayNext: And that’s bad?
Spidey: *sighing* For most people, yeah.
FridayNext: Okay…this one, then?
Spidey: Perhaps in a larger size…
FridayNext: Fashion says it should be tight.
Spidey: Not that tight, Fri.
FridayNext: You’re so negative!
Spidey: Try this…
FridayNext: Coveralls, Spidey?!
Spidey: They’re practical.
FridayNext: Not sexy enough.
Spidey: Your new colleague…
FridayNext: I want something that says…oh honey!
Spidey: She’s a woman, right?
FridayNext: Of course she is. Do they have any black cocktail dresses in this department?
Spidey: Who are you going to impress?
FridayNext: Can’t I look my best just for the heck of it?
Spidey: You’re overwrought, blushing and hyper – so no. You’re doing this for someb… You’re going on a date!
FridayNext: Maybe.
Spidey: Matt doesn’t know!
FridayNext: Of course not. It’d break his heart.
Spidey: You’re wicked!
FridayNext: Go find a black cocktail dress.
Spidey: Why not try out a pair of trousers and a classic shirt?
FridayNext: Would that be more suitable?
Spidey: I’m sure of it.

SUNDAY

She ignores the text messages. She switches off her cell. Spidey keeps an eye on her but doesn’t make any effort to nudge her about the secret. Matt putters around the flat, happy that Friday is hanging around without any appendage.

Matt: It’s a wonderful day.
FridayNext: It’s pouring down, hon.
Matt: Yeah, but it’s nice. It’s comfy being home and listening to the rain on the window.
FridayNext: Guess you’re right.
Matt: Do you want me to make you some hot cocoa?
FridayNext: That’d be nice, sweetie.

MONDAY

FridayNextEmail: T-minus two days!
FridayNextEmail: I am so excited I have to pee every other minute.
FridayNextEmail: Will you be wearing velvet?
FridayNextEmail: That would really be…nice! If you did.
FridayNextEmail: Please do!


TUESDAY

UniCornTextMessage: Why don’t you answer any of my messages? Are you alright?

FridayNextEmail: T-minus one day.
FridayNextEmail: Beginning to worry a bit about seeing you.
FridayNextEmail: Long to see you.
FridayNextEmail: Hope you will come by early.

UniCorn meets her in the hallway when she comes home from work. She looks worried and angry at the same time. Matt and Spidey are nowhere to be seen.

FridayNext: Oh. Hello.
UniCorn: Hello?! Could you get any frostier with me?
FridayNext: Whatcha mean? Just said hi.
UniCorn: Honey. Darling. Sweetie.
FridayNext: Mmm.
UniCorn: What is that supposed to mean?
FridayNext: Nothing.
UniCorn: Oh it means something. Why have you been quiet for so long?
FridayNext: Have I? Hadn’t noticed.
UniCorn: Stop it, Fri.
FridayNext: Stop what?
UniCorn: You’re getting on my nerves, sweetie.
FridayNext: Oh sorry. Perhaps you should hang out with your new best friends then.
UniCorn: What?!?
FridayNext: The new people in your life that you have lunch with on Fridays.
UniCorn: What are you on about?!
FridayNext: The new ones. The new and improved ones. The ones that are better than me. You dumped me!
UniCorn: Rewind because I have no idea what you’re talking about.
FridayNext: I texted you! I wanted to have lunch with you. But you ignored me. Goaway!
UniCorn: When did you text me?
FridayNext: Friday. Duh!
UniCorn: Never got a message from you on Friday, sweets.
FridayNext: Right.
UniCorn: It’s true! And why wouldn’t I want to have lunch with you? Huh?
FridayNext: So you never got my text?
UniCorn: No.
FridayNext: I went shopping Saturday.
UniCorn: Without me?!
FridayNext: With Spidey.
UniCorn: Oh darling!
FridayNext: I know. I’m so sorry!
UniCorn: Hug.
FridayNext: Hug!

So all is well again and there’s a bonus treat as well. Wednesday. All will be revealed after Wednesday…

Sexual Tension

Subject Line: Spilling the Beans

Sweetheart!

Darling J...

Wonderful Design Boy

Dear DJ-...

Howdy J-Man

Does Ace cling to you?

By now you probably realise that Ace is rather attached to you…

I think I owe you an explanation and excuse. It may be my fault if Ace appears to stick to you like glue lately. I love you!

We accidentally came by one night and you were…there…and so was he, and you look adorable even when you are drunk and asleep. So we broke your window…

We sneaked in…

The door was open and we happened to walk in just to see if you were around. Could have been fun to say hello and beg you to strip down and …

The glue fell out of my bag and Ace sort of bumped into the tube and landed on your left side and went back to sleep. It all happened so fast. Honestly.

But you know it’s like when you bike to work in the morning and some mornings you’re just too tired or fed up with everything. And life seems to be endless and you hate the thought of going on and in a nanosecond you could end it all by swerving into the huge lorry that is heading your way. It would only be a brief second of excruciating pain and then you’d be free. Then suddenly – out of nowhere – a cat passes the road. It walks in a stately manner and is completely ignorant of your presence. You know what cats are like. And you smile because cats – they’re great, and if you see one cat during a day, then it’s a good day.

Really, life isn’t that bad, after all. I mean, I love UniCorn. And Spidey is funny and heck, even Matt tries his best to sweeten life. You can’t go wrong with friends like that.

But goddammit, J-Man! I don’t understand why we can’t get super glued. I’m a lot of fun. I’d make you laugh now and again and probably turn up your volume control a notch or twenty. Would that really be so awful? Some days there are just not enough strawberry daiquiris or medication to make the hours pass smoothly. On those occasions it would be delish to have my own private DJ-Man. And now Ace got you instead and it’s a bit hard to accept. I just like talking to you, I guess.

I adore you

I love you

I want you

I’d wear you out within a day!

Kisses

Respect

Best wishes

Friday

InBox: Knock knock knock
Matt: Hey, how’re you doing?
InBox: Well, she’s on the war path again.
Matt: What now?
InBox: I found this…
Matt: I can only read the subject line.
InBox: I have access to her draft and her final email.
Matt: I’m used to her unfiltered behaviour. Bring it all.
InBox: Sure?
Matt: Sure.
Dumbstruck and horrified
Matt: Has he seen this?
InBox: He’ll never see it. I’ll trash and expunge both in a second.
Matt: Thanks.
InBox: Perhaps…
Matt: Mmm?
InBox: I know it’s difficult, but perhaps you should talk to her?
Matt: And say what?
InBox: I don’t know. But she shouldn’t go around super gluing people.
Matt: I wish she’d super glue me!
InBox: And I wish he’d super glue me!
Matt: We’re sad.
InBox: Yeah!
Spidey: Hey, what’s up?
InBox: Yo Spidey.
Matt: Hi.
Spidey: What’s with the long faces?
InBox: Ask Spidey to talk to her.

FridayNext: Hey Spidey. We’ll have dinner in half an hour so don’t munch on anything.
Spidey: Shesh, I just wanted to see what you’re up to.
FridayNext: Doing the dishes. Wanna help?
Spidey: Not really.
FridayNext: Move out of my way, then.
Spidey: By the way, have you seen J-Man lately?
FridayNext: *suspicious* Why?
Spidey: Well…it’s just that you often talk about him but you haven’t lately and I was wondering if he no longer works with…you…
FridayNext: Things have just been busy. I guess he’s busy as well. He’s just somebody that I work with now and again. We’re not colleagues.
Spidey: Right. What a shame, huh?
FridayNext: *absent-minded while cleaning the surfaces* Mmm. S’alright. He’s just a business partner.
Spidey: *staring at her in disbelief but keeps his mouth shut*
FridayNext: Uni and ChessBoy are too busy to come over tonight so it’ll only be us.
Spidey: More food for us.
Silence
Spidey: Have you ever thought about dating?
FridayNext: *looking at him all sceptical*
Spidey: Not me! Somebody else than any of us.
FridayNext: Chill. It’s not like you’re WonderMan! And thanks for making me feel attractive and gorgeous!
Spidey: Just saying that if you found somebody to date, perhaps life would be a bit easier.
FridayNext: Life Schmife!
Spidey: Because that’s an authentic word…
FridayNext: Anyway, why are you so mushy all of a sudden?
Spidey: You don’t seem to be happy.
FridayNext: Oh Sherlock!
Spidey: Don’t be so aggressive!
FridayNext: You barge into the kitchen and say that I should find somebody to play with away from all of you because let’s face it; I’m way too disgusting for you.
Spidey: Not exactly what I said!
FridayNext: Well, it was what I heard so put your words together properly before you open up practice as a psychologist.
Spidey: You stink at dating. That’s the problem.
FridayNext: And you stink at being a best friend. Go away!
Spidey: Practice on me.
FridayNext: What?
Spidey: I’ll be your pretend date.
FridayNext: Why would I want to end up with you at the end of the evening?
Spidey: First of all, you shouldn’t end up with anybody after just one evening.
FridayNext: I’m a sheep. It’s what I do.
Spidey: You are not making sense.
FridayNext: I know! You just hit a nerve, alright?! I want time-out!
Spidey: Okay. Time-out.

Five minutes later

Spidey: Feeling better?
FridayNext: Okay.
Spidey: Right, so close your eyes and imagine that I’m the man of your dreams.
FridayNext: Okay.
Spidey: Open up and we’re on a date.
FridayNext: Okay.
Spidey: Hello.
FridayNext: Hi J-Man!
Spidey: *sighing but accepting it* Hi Friday.
FridayNext: *giggles and blushes*
Silence
Spidey: I don’t know what lingo the man speaks. Has he ever uttered more than two words at a time?
FridayNext: *yelling* Don’t be like that! He’s so tuned into other people and he always says the right things.
Spidey: *yelling* How do you know?
FridayNext: *yelling* Because it’s what he does!
Spidey: *yelling* But you’ve never been out with him!
FridayNext: *yelling* He talks on email!
Spidey: *yelling* Okay, so what would you say to him if you were on a date with him?!
FridayNext: *yelling* Hi J-Man. You look f-ing unbelievably muthafrickin’ sexy and I want to shag you for a week non stop!
Spidey: We need to stop yelling at each other.
FridayNext: Yeah.
Spidey: So we’ve found out that you want to have a sexual relationship with…
FridayNext: Well, anyone would do right now.
Silence
Spidey: Ew.
FridayNext: Kinda yeah.
Spidey: I’ll get your mobile. This is a case for UniCorn!

UniCorn: Howdy honey. What’s up?
FridayNext: My libido!
UniCorn: You lost me.
FridayNext: I just told Spidey I want to have sex with whomever.
UniCorn: Ew.
FridayNext: Which was what he said.
UniCorn: Should we have this conversation?
FridayNext: If not with you, who then?
UniCorn: Wait…
FridayNext: What are you doing?
UniCorn: Just…hold on…
FridayNext: Come back!
UniCorn: I’m here. Just needed to go to the bathroom.
FridayNext: Ew! Ew! Ew!
UniCorn: To be alone for a second. Fri, relax, okay?!
FridayNext: Don’t freak me, then.
UniCorn: We could go to a place.
FridayNext: Holiday, you mean?
UniCorn: No. A place. To buy stuff.
FridayNext: Go shopping? I’m in!
UniCorn: Sometimes you’re really thick, honey.
FridayNext: Stop talking in code.
UniCorn: Red light district.
FridayNext: Why is it called that?
Silence
FridayNext: Oh.
UniCorn: Oh indeed!
FridayNext: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
UniCorn: It’d be fun.
FridayNext: And very awkward!
UniCorn: But mostly fun.
FridayNext: And a little awkward.
UniCorn: Honey, do you remember your first real date?
FridayNext: Yeah?
UniCorn: You asked me to draw you a picture so you knew where he should put his…
FridayNext: Alright! So we know stuff about each other…
UniCorn: And whether your d will be black or purple, I don’t mind knowing.
FridayNext: What is d?
UniCorn: Honey, you need to get better at subtlety.
Silence
FridayNext: Oh!
UniCorn: So hang in there and we’ll go shopping soon.
FridayNext: Deal.

Happy Birthday Honey

We’re running around like headless chickens. The boys are not used to being up this early. It’s not even 7 yet. Spidey is pounding on the bathroom door, but I haven’t finished brushing my teeth. Matt growls in the kitchen. Apparently somebody forgot to buy coffee when we last shopped for necessities. We’ve been planning the day for weeks and still we seem to go about it all wrong.

Matt: Get out of my way!
Spidey: Chill, dude!
Matt: Don’t you start with me!
FridayNext: I can’t see! Where’re my contacts?
Spidey: Why the hell would we know?
FridayNext: Oh…found them.
Matt: Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!
Spidey: I wish this day was over.
FridayNext: No! It’s going to be the best day ever! She’ll be so surprised!
Spidey: Why? She knows it’s her birthday. We’re bound to spring a surprise on her somehow.
Matt: MOVE IT!
FridayNext: You’re so bossy…
Matt: Unless you tell me that you love me, shut up, Friday!
Spidey & FridayNext in UniSon: *sucking in air in surprise*
Matt: You heard me, bitches. We’re late!

One of us throws a fit when one of us realises that we are taking public transport and not my bike. One of us goes a bit ballistic in public to the amusement of a gang of Arab boys that are passing. Another one of us slaps me and I shut up for 5 minutes. Or at least until we get off the bus.

Spidey: *checking the contents of the bags* Bread, butter, cheese, jam, Danish.
Matt: If they don’t have coffee…
Spidey: I’m hungry!
Matt: Are we there yet?
FridayNext: Five more minutes.
Spidey: Jesus, we’ve been walking like for ever!
FridayNext: Or at least for three minutes…

We try to keep down the noise when we stumble up all the stairs to their penthouse. It dawns on me that we both live in a penthouse. Oh my gawd, that must be significant for some reason I just can’t think up at the moment.

At first I tap the door gently. Nothing happens. Then I tap a bit harder. Absolutely nothing. Spidey loses his patience and knocks hard on the door. Still nothing. This can’t be right! So both Spidey and Matt pound the door for a minute. Finally we hear shuffling feet. When the door opens, we all yell SURPRISE and sing happy birthday.

To ChessBoy who stands in the door fully naked with a drowsy smile.

Spidey: WHOA!
Matt: Cover up the boys!
FridayNext: AAAHHHHH!
ChessBoy: Oh, sorry. What are you doing here?
FridayNext: Where’s Uni?
ChessBoy: She’s gone to the library.
Spidey: I’m sorry but I’m hungry and I need a sugar rush NOW.

Spidey marches in and almost tilts over ChessBoy on his way. I explain about the surprise while Matt pushes me forward.

Matt: Do you have any coffee, C?
ChessBoy: I doubt it.
Matt: AAAAHHHHHHHHH!
FridayNext: *looks surprised at Matt*
Matt: I need caffeine.
FridayNext: We could go to the library and surprise her there.
ChessBoy: Good idea! She’ll be really surprised to see you all there.
Spidey: *gulfing down a Danish* I’m not going anywhere. I’m hanging out with C today.
ChessBoy: Really?
Spidey: Sure, dude.
ChessBoy: Dude. Ha ha!
Spidey: We brought enough breakfast for an army. Dig in, C.

They go into the living room but Matt and I stay put in the hallway. I can’t make up my mind. I could so do with a sugar rush as well. Matt taps my shoulder.

Matt: On our way to the library we could get a cup of coffee. That way we’ll all be happy.

I guess he’s right. I want to surprise Uni and I bet she’d love it if I brought Matt along… So back on the bus in rush hour traffic and it just doesn’t get any better than that. After three cups of coffee at a nearby café, we skedaddle into the library. Matt is no longer talking about taking hostages if his demands aren’t met. I realise that I like him a lot better when he’s not moody and volatile. Only I can be charming when moody and volatile.

Matt scans the room and almost immediately sees her. He points me in the direction. I am so hyper with excitement. She’ll be so surprised that she’ll explode! I sneak up on her from the back. There are post-its, biros and papers in front of her. Her laptop is switched off. She has a huge bag of sweets in front of her. She’s munching and writing down notes on a piece of paper. She is so concentrated that I almost feel sorry for shocking her…

FridayNext: SURPRISE! IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!
UniCorn: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Her long red hair flows in the air when she jumps from the chair. I can’t stop laughing. She looks so funny, spooked and close to heart attack. Oh it’s payback from all her jokes about my height. Gotcha, honey!

FridayNext: Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuni, Happy Birthday to you. I love you. I love you! I love you!!!!!
UniCorn: Keep it down. Everybody’s looking!
FridayNext: Oh Ennis, come into the teeeeeent. I’m waiiiiiiiiiting…
UniCorn: I’m so paying back one day, Fri!

But she’s smiling alright. We hug and then we dance the penguin dance with bums out, arms outstretched and kooky sounds coming out of our mouths. A librarian is heading our way…

FridayNext: Look who’s here!

Matt steps forward and – lo and behold – stretches out his arms and Uni walks straight into a big warm hug. Awwwww – and then she ruins it all by groping his bum just in case she never gets the chance again, and Matt squeals from surprise.

UniCorn: Oops, sorry, Matt. My hand slipped. Maaah haaaah.
Librarian: You need to keep it down.
UniCorn: Sorry. We’ll be quiet now.

The librarian walks away and we persuade Matt to do the penguin dance with us – in silence this time. Uni and I giggle and Matt tries to look like he’s an innocent bystander who’s been dragged in by the freaks. The librarian is sending us a mean look from across the room. We munch some of her sweets and do loud sign language to make sure that we’re still on for fun time later today.

CRASH

We turn around and see that a huge window has been smashed. On the floor are Spidey and ChessBoy. Spidey gets up before the librarian realises what has happened. He holds up his arms.

Spidey: I’m alright. Nobody’s hurt. We’re fine.

The librarian is not sure what to do. She is on her way over to Spidey but changes direction when she sees that Spidey and ChessBoy are heading our way.

Spidey: Happy Birthday, Uni.

Even Spidey stretches out his arms and hugs Uni without force. She knows better than to grope him, though. ChessBoy stands next to her and smiles his cunning smile.

Librarian: Are these…people…any of your associates?
UniCorn: Yeah.
Librarian: I have to ask you to leave. Now!
UniCorn: They’re very sorry about the window. They’ll pay for it…
Librarian: Now, please. I’ve never in my time seen behaviour like this!
UniCorn: Chill, lady, okay?

CENSORED

Not even a birthday UniCorn can have all her wishes come true and now she’s banned from the library for life.

Happy Birthday, UniCorn!