With a Little Help from...

Matt: What?!
Spidey: It’s what she said.
Matt: Still?
Spidey: Look, bud. Don’t shoot the messenger!
Matt: Let me!

Dialling, cursing and then…

Matt: Hiya, Uni. It’s Matt.
UniCorn: Oh Matty! Darling, how are you?
Matt: Fine, great, I just love the snow we’re having.
UniCorn: Can you believe it? It’s late March and then – swoosh – a snowstorm.
Matt: Yeah, who’d have thought? Listen…
UniCorn: Sure.
Matt: It’s been a long time.
UniCorn: I know! And I miss you all to bits!
Matt: Really?
UniCorn: Of course I do!
Matt: So…
UniCorn: I would just LOVE to come over, but my thesis…

Then twenty minutes go by with Matt listening and trying to interrupt but all conversation is one way and mostly about how adverbials are built according to blah blah blah and Spidey grins and webs Matt from numerous angles while Matt pretends to understand the gibberish from the other end of the cell phone.

UniCorn: So as soon as I’ve written the conclusion, then I can come over.
Matt: Wasn’t this the conclusion?
UniCorn: *giggling* No you silly-billy! Oh Matty! You’re such a sweetheart, honey.
Matt: But when will you have…
UniCorn: I need time to perfect the conclusion. Fri will understand.
Matt: No, she won’t!
UniCorn: Sure she will. She knows how important it is to sculpt the con…

Spidey: *whispering* She drones on and on. I told you!
Matt: *whispering* I can’t get her to stop.
Spidey: *whispering* You sound too interested.
Matt: *whispering* Will you stand still and stop webbing me!
Spidey: *whispering* Come on, you like being webbed!
Matt: *whispering* No I don’t! Stop it!
Spidey: *whispering* Look, I can even do it hanging from the ceiling…
Matt: *screaming* Will you stop it, you freak!
UniCorn: PARDON?!
Matt: Not you, Uni. Spidey…Spidey is…going to die in a second. I got to go. Talk to you soon!
UniCorn: But…
Spidey: Uni, save me!!!!

The skiing machine has lost its appeal. Now it’s a matter of enduring the fifteen minutes after the fun hour of weight training. She doesn’t even like the rowing machine anymore. In fact, she avoids it if at all possible. The last couple of times she’s nearly keeled over on the skiing machine because she followed the girl’s suggestion of mixed levels at high speed. She could barely breathe halfway through the session and all she had to look at was either the display of how few calories she was burning while almost killing herself or the white wall in front of her. If only she had something in front of her that could take her mind off the humdrum of killing herself…

FridayNext: Oi, BaconBoy! I have a special assignment for you.
LordBacon: SkaGrrl orders me about, not you.
FridayNext: Change of the commando line because SkaGrrl is helping TheBoss today…

TheBoss: So…perhaps if we could ask them for a display stand…
SkaGrrl: Right. So I’ll contact them…
TheBoss: Yes. Or perhaps we need some flyers instead.
SkaGrrl: So I’ll make some flyers.
TheBoss: Ask the boys instead.
SkaGrrl: The boys?
TheBoss: But maybe we could have both…
SkaGrrl: So should I contact them for a display sta…
TheBoss: How soon could the boys have a flyer ready?
SkaGrrl: The boys?
TheBoss: They made the other one…you know. That book. The…the…with the brain!
SkaGrrl: The Brain Book. Yes, I know the book. What did they do – and who…
TheBoss: Ask them about their timeframe.
SkaGrrl: …are the boys?
TheBoss: The boys!
SkaGrrl: Yes, I’ll ask…the boys? I’m not quite sure who the boys are.
TheBoss: How well is The Brain Book selling?
SkaGrrl: Not sure. I can find out.
TheBoss: Yes, do that. While you’re here, can you help me attach a file with this email?

FridayNext: So here is a camera. Be careful with it, okay?
LordBacon: I know how to work a camera, Friday.
FridayNext: Don’t you take that tone with me, underling! I have a map here for you. This is your destination. You need to follow whoever comes out of this door, take pictures of whoever and come straight back to me. And remember, it’s a hush-hush assignment.
LordBacon: But what do I do if more than one person comes out of the door?
FridayNext: You’ll work it out. Don’t ask me silly questions like that!
LordBacon: *whispering to himself* You’re almost as erratic as TheBoss…
FridayNext: Did you say something?
LordBacon: No. I’ll get my coat and…
FridayNext: Good!

Ace: I feel great! Some time off and now back to work. No longer burnt out, just ready to embrace whatever project. I’ve done four projects today – only sixteen to go before I can call it a day. I feel great!
J-Man: *silent*
Ace: It’s unbelievable what some days off can do to your mind and body. And the gym. Did I tell you that I went to the gym every day the office was closed?
J-Man: Only like four million times. But please, tell me again.
Ace: Aaaah, sound body and sound mind. I feel great!
J-Man: *silent*
Ace: J…
J-Man: Yes?
Ace: Stop staring into your screen for a minute.
J-Man: Why?
Ace: Look at me. Come on, just for a second. Look at me.
J-Man: *averts his gaze to Ace* Looking at you.
Ace: *showing off a frightening smile that could billboard “hi, I’m a member of Scientology, voluntarily, of course. Come join us…”*
J-Man: Whatever you want me to do, I won’t do it.
Ace: Try it! Once! Look, I brought my gym bag. What a coincidence! And what’s this…hey, I think it’s one of your shirts you forgot last time you blacked out in my flat after that DJ gig. Remember? The gig I made sure you got? Through all my connections? And what’s this? A pair of trainers! It’s like…like…
J-Man: It’s like you planned it. I’m not doing it. I’m fit enough.
Ace: It’s not a question of being fit. It’s about a sound body and a sound mind.
J-Man: Don’t you have like sixteen projects you need to sink your teeth into?
Ace: I can do them in a sec! After we’ve worked out. On the treadmill.
J-Man: You run along. I need to have this done before I leave tonight.
Silence
Ace: I really didn’t want to tell you…
Silence
Ace: Okay, since you’re begging me.
Silence
Ace: I think one of the women at the gym fancies me but I’m not sure.
Silence
Ace: So I’d like you to come along and check out if I’m off the deep end.
J-Man: A…
Ace: I know! It’s just a woman! But…she’s a…a…ahm… Okay! Here’s the deal: If you don’t come with me to the gym, I’ll suddenly disappear the next time we’re at a meeting with FridayNext. Then you can sit on your own and see what she’ll do to you.
J-Man: You wouldn’t.
Ace: Oh, wouldn’t I?
J-Man: She won’t do anything to me anyway.
Ace: *sarcastic* Noooh, of course not!
J-Man: Okay then. I’ll go, but only this one time!
Ace: Yes!

Two men come out of the door and LordBacon wakes from his slumber. In a mistaken way of being helpful, FridayNext insisted that he take her bike. Being a very tall young man, he stands out sitting on a white woman’s bicycle adjusted to a rider two-third his height. His knees bang into the steering wheel. The red helmet is in the basket on top of the back wheel. She forced him to wear it when he took off from the office but as soon as he got out of her eyesight, he took it off. He has some dignity. At least before he ventured on this mission.

So at slow speed he follows the two men who are oblivious to being followed by a tall man on a miniscule bike with a red helmet in the back. They walk for ten minutes, then turn right into a…

LordBacon: They must be joking! I’m not going to the gym!

He fumbles with the numerous locks she made him promise that he would secure on her bike whenever he left it out of sight. After some squabble and persuasive arguments in the reception, he is admitted entrance without a fee – just for the day, and only this time ever. Then he walks into the men’s changing room.

LordBacon: Ah
NakedMan: Hi
LordBacon: Ah
NakedManII: Yo
LordBacon: Ah!
Ace: What are you doing with that camera?
J-Man: Ah!
LordBacon: Ah!
Ace: You need to protect the lens! It’s all fogged up.
J-Man: Look, sports-fanatic, don’t help him. At least not until I got all my clothes on.
Ace: We’re going on the treadmill.
J-Man: *sighing*
Ace: Come on, J. You’re taking like forever to change!

LordBacon shuffles around pretending to look for a vacant locker, now and again he turns around to check if J-Man is naked yet. Not yet. Not yet. Then he decides that whatever picture he gets of J-Man must be good enough and he clicks incessantly before even Ace recognises that hey…is this okay behaviour in a men’s changing room? Then he storms out of the room before some of the insanely buffed men realise what he’s been up to.

J-Man: If I’m all over the Internet in this outfit tonight, I’ll sue you, A!
Ace: Stop fretting. It’s time for the treadmill! Come on!

FridayNext: So?
LordBacon: I’ll never do a mission like that again! I’ll quit if you…
SkaGrrl: Hey, what’s up?
FridayNext: Nothing! Did you manage to…
SkaGrrl: I don’t know! He doesn’t make any sense! The boys. Who are the boys? Everybody apparently knows who the boys are!
FridayNext & LordBacon in UniSon: J-Man and Ace.
SkaGrrl: Why not call them J-Man and Ace, then?! I’ve been checking all outgoing correspondence the past five years to figure out who the boys are!
LordBacon: I’ll leave you to it. It’s been a long day.
SkaGrrl: You tell me! Hey, you got a camera, Fri? Any good pics you want to share?
LordBacon: No!
FridayNext: Nah, nothing on here.

To be continued…