Picture Perfect

What you need to create a diversion is a pair of scissors, two sharp images, a pair of night vision goggles and glue. Super glue, preferably. The images mustn’t be too large. But not too small, either. For best results, the contents should be exciting and stimulating.

FridayNext: Out of my way! Vomit. Vomit. Vomit!
Spidey: Don’t vomit on me!
FridayNext: Matt. I need the toilet!
Matt: I’m in here.
FridayNext: Vomit!
Matt: I’m not done yet!
Spidey: She’s gonna vomit, dude. She’s green all over.
Matt: Ha ha, good one, Spidey.
FridayNext: Matt!
Spidey: Not joking. VOMIT!
Matt: Wait wait, I’m almost done!
He opens the door and FridayNext barges in and throws up in the toilet bowl.
Spidey: Showering again?
Matt: Always shower after running.
FridayNext: *vomiting again*
Spidey: You’re a fanatic.
Matt: You don’t shower after you’ve worked out?
Spidey: Yeah, but this is your second shower after you’ve come home from your run.
Matt: So?!
Spidey: Just saying – cold or hot shower this time?
FridayNext: *groaning loudly* I feel awful!
Spidey: And you look it too!
Matt: Hon, what’s up?
FridayNext: Well, looking from the contents of the bowl, I’d say liquorice, some Chinese food and a litre of diet coke.
Spidey: You’re disgusting.
FridayNext: No no no!
Matt: No need to be rude, Spidey.
FridayNext: Oh gawd!
Matt: He didn’t mean it, sweetie.
FridayNext: *vomiting loudly and tearing up* Will you guys leave me alone!
Spidey: Well, excuse us for taking an interest!
Matt: I can hold your hand while you…
FridayNext: Leave! Oh, another one is on its way! I hate vomiting!

Spidey: Look at the mess on the dining room table. We really need Uni to come over soon and entertain Fri.
Matt: It’s good to be creative. I don’t mind if it’s a bit messy around here.
Spidey: Well, at least she’s not moping at the moment.
Matt: Hey, is that a pair of night vision goggles? I didn’t know she had a pair.
Spidey: Switch off the light. I’ll check out if I can see you in the dark.
Matt: Ready?
Spidey: Cooked, ready and almost overdone. Switch off.
Spidey puts on the goggles and Matt switches off the light. The first two seconds Spidey adjusts to the greenish shade and then…
Spidey: AAAAHHHHH! OFF OFF OFF OFF!
Matt: What’s wrong?
Spidey: Get them off me!
Matt: You’ve strapped them on too tightly. I need to turn on the light before I can see properly.
Spidey: Just hurry up. Oh god, I’m going blind, Matt!
Spidey sits down on a chair to catch his breath.
Spidey: These are lethal!
Matt: Come on! You’re overreacting. What can be so horrific?
Spidey: Trust me, Matt. You have to trust me!
Matt: Tell me what you saw.
Spidey: I won’t talk about it. It’s too…too…I need a glass of water.
The minute he’s left the living room, Matt puts on the goggles and…
Matt: AAAAHHHHHHH! OFF OFF OFF OFF!
Spidey comes running into the living room to help Matt.
Spidey: Are you insane? I told you!
Matt: Oh the nightmare!
Spidey: Let’s never speak of this!
Matt: Agree! And I need something stronger than water to recuperate from this.

The next day FridayNext is back on her feet and she packs her bag for the gym. This time she puts in an extra piece – a special treat for the fifteen minutes on the road to Hell.

Girl: Hi!
FridayNext: *panting and sweating* Hi!
Girl: Oh god! You’re going extremely fast!
FridayNext: Thanks.
Girl: Can I just look…
FridayNext: Sure!
Girl: Level 48!
FridayNext: Really?
Girl: Well done! The machine only has 20 levels!
FridayNext: I know!
Girl: What’s your secret?
FridayNext: Stamina and the right motivation. The goggles help a lot.
Girl: Wow. You’re burning fat like I don’t know!
FridayNext: Great. I love the goggles!

J-Man: Hey.
Ace: *mumbling and ignoring J-Man*
J-Man: Fun evening at the gym?
Ace: *turns on his laptop* S’alright.
J-Man: Good.
Ace: Somebody asked me out.
J-Man: The girl at the gym?
Ace: *sighing* There’s no girl at the gym.
J-Man: Oh.
Ace: A man. A man at the gym. He came over when I had just finished half a marathon on the treadmill and he talks about the treadmill and I go: yeah, interesting, and then he asks me out!
J-Man: *silent*
Ace: *staring at J-Man*
SILENCE
Ace: Say something!
J-Man: You’re not gay. We’re not gay. Nobody in this office is gay.
Ace: Right! So why do men keep asking me out?
J-Man: You’re a handsome man.
Ace: Shut up!
J-Man: *giggling* But you asked why!
Silence
Ace: My phone’s on vibrate!
J-Man: *silent*
Ace: Hello?
Ken: I’m bored.
Ace: Hey, Kenny-Boy.
J-Man: *giggling and rolling his eyes*
Ace: *clearing his throat* Yo Ken! What’s up?
Ken: Absolutely-frickin’-nothing!
Ace: Sounds like a lot of fun.
Ken: Let’s do something.
Ace: All of us. You mean all of us, right? J and I can call Matt and Spidey!
J-Man throws Ace a pack of smokes and Ace struggles to free one cigarette from the pack.
Ken: Sure.
Ace: I’ll call ‘em straight away.
Ken: Okay. How’s J-Man?
Ace: Fine. Smirking a lot these days, but other than that he’s fine.
J-Man: Sure you should have cut off nicotine in one go?
Ace: I’m back on these babies! I’ll never quit again!

Spidey: Is it healthy to go to the gym every day?
Matt: I doubt she’s doing anything harmful to herself.
Spidey: Yeah, why would a slightly overweight sheep ever feel the need to do anything harmful to herself… It’s not like she’s known for being in control of her mood, cravings…
Matt: You’re talking about the one I love!
Spidey: What’s that noise?
Matt: What noise?
Spidey: Oh, it’s your DIGNITY, dude! Screaming to be let into your body and mind.
Matt: Luckily for you my phone’s ringing.
Spidey webs the phone out of Matt’s hand and picks it up.
Spidey: Hey Acey-Baby! Can I web you?
Ace: *silent*
Spidey: Dude, are you being paranoid again?
Ace: For once it’d be nice if women were all over me!
Spidey: Hey, you’re a handsome man. I’m sure lines of women would be all over you if you got out more. You’re always in the office, bud. Let me guess: you’re in the office right now.
Ace: Wanna talk to J instead?
Matt: *stealing back the phone from Spidey* Yo Ace!
Ace: Hey Matt. Ken just called. Wanna hang out?
Matt: Sure! Where and when?

To be continued