How to Make Your Limbs Hurt

Brief recap of what’s happened but we couldn’t be bothered to share with you:

Matt: It’s a dream, honey. They weren’t here.
FridayNext: I saw them!
Spidey: You were too drunk to remember your own name.
FridayNext: I SAW them.
Matt: Ask Uni. She wouldn’t lie to you.
FridayNext: So?
UniCorn: They weren’t here, hon. I didn’t see them. It’s all in your imagination. You had a rough day with the reception and all.
FridayNext: Okay.

So time has gone by and basically everybody’s been too busy to keep up with each other. One is super duper depressed (can I have some more meds, please?), one is writing her butt off to get her thesis in on time, one is completely ignorant to this blog, one is utterly bored with being stalked daily on email, etc. So life… Sometimes you just have to hate it, endure it, stomach it and then cry for help. Help.

FridayNext: I keep gaining weight!
Spidey: Very tricky. What do you think could be the reason?
FridayNext: Beats me! Hey, I bought four Daim bars. They’re deeeelish!
Spidey: Can I have one?
FridayNext: Hands off! They’re mine! And I got some nachos as well.
Spidey: Cheese?
FridayNext: Nope. Salt.
Spidey: I prefer cheese.
FridayNext: As if I care. Go buy your own if you want some.
Matt: Hey…
Spidey: Out running?
Matt: Yeah. The birds are chirping and it’s warm. Like it’s spring.
FridayNext: Sounds great.
Matt: Hi sweetie.
FridayNext: *munching Daim and nacho incessantly* Darling.
Matt: Have you had lunch yet?
FridayNext: Hours ago. But I’m hungry still.
Matt: Spidey bought fruit yesterday. Have you eaten it all already?
Spidey: Two melons, pears and bananas.
FridayNext: Mmm, fried bananas!
Matt: Sweetie…
Spidey: You eat too much and you eat all the wrong stuff. You’re worse than me!
Matt: Perhaps you should eat some fruit. You like fruit!
FridayNext: Are you calling me fat?
Spidey: Hey, if you’re happy the way you look, great. Doesn’t matter to me.
Matt: Anyway, you’re a sheep and sheep needs shearing in the spring, right?
FridayNext: What the hell does that mean?
Matt: I don’t know! I have no idea! But you’ve been putting on weight since New Year and you need to lose some of it!
Spidey: *sucking in air* Oh man!
FridayNext: *brooding in silence*
Matt: I’m sorry.
FridayNext: I’m the Blubberoony.
Matt & Spidey in UniSon: Who?

Where do broken hearts go – to the gym, hon.

Everybody is too busy to go with me. It’s like being thrown in the deep end and a dragon is there waiting for you with all his fire and then J-Man shows up with a beautiful girlfriend and cola, fat and sugar are taken away from me. Perhaps I mixed up a couple of metaphors but you probably get the drift.

So half an hour before my planned session I go cold. I sit in the armchair and am too blank to remember my own name. Uni helped me buy clothes.

UniCorn: Are you a bit wobbly around the belly area?
FridayNext: Sure am!
UniCorn: You need a pair of these. And the boobs?
FridayNext: They’re all over the place!
UniCorn: So you also need a pair of these.
FridayNext: *after having tried it all on* Oh my god! It feels great! All my fat is strapped in so I can run around like a crazy person.
UniCorn: But you probably shouldn’t do that…
FridayNext: Right! I’m normal. Not a crazy person.
UniCorn: Okay then… I really need to get back to my thesis, hon.
FridayNext: Are you leaving me?
UniCorn: I have to. I really need to…I’m so close now!
FridayNext: But I miss you!
UniCorn: Oh hon!
FridayNext: Goaway! But come back as soon as you have time off, yeah?
UniCorn: Done deal, hon.

Then I wobble down the local gym. Paralysed. They will all laugh at me. They will all point fingers at me. I walk into the reception – a young handsome man is on duty. Of course.

FridayNext: Hello. I’m here for…
Trainer: You’re Friday? Come on in. You can change your clothes down that hall and then come back to me and I’ll guide you.
FridayNext: Okay…

In the changing room there is woman. At least I didn’t accidentally walk into the men’s changing rooms. The woman is naked – always a bit tricky to decide whether you say hello or ignore a person who’s naked and not in your bedroom.

I fumble with the locker. I can’t even open the frickin’ locker! How will I ever be able to work any of the machines?!

FridayNext: Excuse me? Could you…

And then she speaks to me and it’s like this great sound that comes out of her mouth. She explains how to work the tricky lockers and now that she’s no longer naked, I feel comfy speaking to her. So she talks about her exercise routine and I stand there…eager to be this comfy around exercise machines. To be like her. But not as old as she. Yet. She’s waaaay older than me. For now.

I wobble out to the young and handsome trainer who’s waiting for me in a very low key way. He looks up and mumbles a bit to himself. He asks me about my exercise routine and I try not to snort and laugh too loud. But I remember that I bike every day and I can see he likes to hear that. So he puts me on a machine where coordination is the main key but I can’t find that key at all. Arms and legs are all over the place. Do this for five minutes, he says. No sweat, I think, when I finally figure out how to coordinate all my limbs.

One minute. Hey, this is fun. And the legs go…swoosh swoosh swoosh…and the arms go…puuull puuull puuull. It’s like skiing, I imagine. Which is probably why he called it a skiing machine. Two minutes. Oh. What’s that? Ewwww, beads of sweat. Disgusting! Three minutes. The minutes are longer on this machine than real time. Puuuuuuuull! More sweat. That’s so disgusting. I’m not built to sweat. Four minutes. No, not yet. Oh my god, I’m dying here! Four minutes! No. Come on! It’s gotta be four minutes now. Now. Now. Now. NOW! And now it is. One more minute. He’s trying to scare me. He thinks I’m too ugly to be in this gym. I look around. Well, people are rather plain looking…and – four-and-a-half-minute – they would probably not mind getting a new member. It’s about money, right? Please, five minutes. I’ll do anything to stop the machine now. Five minutes! Yes! I did it! I’m the champion. Chaaaaaampion! I’m the ruler of the universe. I’m unbeatable!

He comes over and tells me that he’ll show me more machines. What? So five minutes on the skiing thingy wasn’t enough to burn all my fat? Oh my god, how many machines do I need to work on? And for how long?

Spidey: Hey, Ms Fitness!
FridayNext: Please don’t call me that.
Matt: What was it like?
FridayNext: Actually…
Matt: Stop building up the suspense.
FridayNext: I have fallen in love.
Matt: You’re toying with me!
Spidey: You didn’t meet anyone except for the trainer!
FridayNext: How do you know?
Silence
Spidey: I kinda spied on you. Look, I just wanted to check out the place and make sure that they were nice to you.
FridayNext: Aaaawwwwwwww!
Matt: So that’s sweet? I would happily have come with you, but you wouldn’t let me!
FridayNext: Look at you! Mr Super Buffed! It’s embarrassing to be flappy and weak. I don’t want you to see me like that.
Spidey: You share your bed with him – I think he knows how flappy you are and where your problem areas are.
Matt & FridayNext in UniSon: Shut up!
Spidey: Jesus.
FridayNext: The rowing machine. I have fallen in love with the rowing machine. I rowed for twenty minutes. I rowed 4 kilometres!
Spidey: What’s that in miles?
FridayNext: A gazillion!
Matt: Well done!
FridayNext: Thank you!
Spidey: Did you stretch?
FridayNext: I biked home. I feel great. I have so much energy.
Matt: You need to stretch, sweetie.
FridayNext: But I feel fine!
Spidey: In a couple of hours you’ll hurt like hell.
FridayNext: Then I’ll think about stretching.
Matt: But it’ll be too late then. Do it now.
FridayNext: I’m too hungry. I’m gonna empty the fridge.
Spidey: Let time show you that we’re right.
FridayNext: By the way, one of the guys said hello to me. In a very nice way. I liked that. Fridge, here I come!
Matt: Who?
Spidey: He worked out on the skiing machine for fifteen minutes.
Matt: You saw him?
Spidey: Sure. I sat on the window and looked at her while she was rowing the hell out of whatever. And then he came in and used the skiing machine. I think he said hello to her after she came out of the changing room, on her way out of the gym.
Matt: How handsome was he?
Spidey: He’s not her type. He’s too old which means he’s at least close to thirty.
Matt: Phew, that’s a relief.
Spidey: But the trainer was young and limber. A bit like Ace.
Matt: Now you’re mocking me.
Spidey: Only a bit. Lucky for you she’s not into ravishing men with brown eyes.
Matt: I’m taking a shower.
Spidey: And my series is on.