New Year’s Dinner

Ace: Oh no!
J-Man: What?
Ace: Cooking! Food! The stove!
J-Man: Things in a kitchen?
Ace: It’s not a riddle. We have alcohol to last us a lifetime, but we have zilch to eat.
J-Man: Hey, chill. Listen to this…

J-Man puts on some music and in ten seconds Ace has cooled down and mellows about the office. That’s what Morcheeba does to you.

Ace: What’s the problem?
J-Man: No problem.
Ace: Niiiiice.
J-Man: Indeed. I think Ken will bring food.
Ace: Niiiiice.

The buzzer makes them jump and they look at each other as if to question who the heck rings the doorbell on New Year’s Eve. Then they remember the party.

Ken: Hey. What’s up?
Ace: Yo. Need a hand?
Ken: Sure.

He hands Ace two heavy bags and J-Man takes them both through to the kitchen. They unload the goodies and Ken goes on an inspection. He looks in all the cupboards and checks the stove. He seems to be engulfed in the task. J-Man and Ace watch him carefully in silence.

Ken: Okay, that’ll have to do. Have you ever cooked here?
Ace: No. Problem?
J-Man: What’s for dinner?
Ken: Beef. And no problem. Brought most of the stuff we need.
Ace: Most of it?
Ken: I need some veggies. Could one of you…
Ace: I’ll go. I know a veggie shop that’s still open.
J-Man: Look out.
Ace: Shut up!
J-Man: *giggles*
Ken: I don’t want to know.
J-Man: Need any help?
Ken: Well…

Matt: I’ll call you…
FridayNext: Right.
Spidey: I can call as well.
FridayNext: Leave.
Matt: Are you SURE…
FridayNext: I’m sorry.
Spidey: Don’t be sorry! Sorry sorry sorry!
Matt: The taxi’s here.
FridayNext: Right. See you.
Matt: Right.
Spidey: Right.
Silence
Matt: So…

Ace: It’s official: I’m still Mr Big Banana!
J-Man: Congratulations.
Ace: Don’t be smug!
Ken: What’s all this about?
J-Man: The veggie man.
Ace: He always calls me Mr Big Banana. It’s too Brokebacky for my taste.
J-Man: You buy a banana every morning on your way to work. Could be why he calls you that.
Ace: Shesh…
Ken: J-Man, you chop. Ace, you make us some drinks.
J-Man: Where did you learn how to cook?
Ken: Oh, you don’t want to know.
Ace: Now we do.
Ken: It’s in the past, really.
Ace: Tell us.
Ken: One word: Military.
J-Man: You’re a mili-man?
Ken: I’ve already said too much. Ace, how’s the drink coming along?
J-Man: Cool. You have a past.
Ken: Don’t we all?
Ace: That’s philosophical.
J-Man: Could have been you who’d said that.
Ken: Sorry, stealing your lines here?
Ace: Nah. Mr Big Banana can take it.

Spidey: HEY YOU GUYS! BUZZ US IN!
Ace: AAAAHHHHH!
J-Man: It’s so cool when he does that!
Ken: Ha ha, you’re hanging on the window!
Ace: It freaks me out every time!
Spidey: Open the window and let me in. Matt can take the stairs.
Matt: *yelling* Hey, I need help with the entertainment here!
Spidey: Wimp.
Matt: Shut up!
Spidey: Weakling.
Matt: I’m gonna kick your butt!
Spidey: You and what army?
J-Man: Ken?
Ken: Ssshhhh!
Spidey: Ken?
Ace: Ken’s got a past.
Matt: Hey, you’re looping me out!
Spidey: Apparently Ken has a past.
Matt: Oh Sherlock!
Spidey: No, it’s about an army, I think. Open the frickin’ window and let me in so I can hear more.
Ken: You realise that now I have to kill you all, right?
J-Man: Ha ha ha!
Ace: Ha ha ha!
Ken: *watching them in silence without facial expression*
J-Man & Ace in UniSon: Please laugh.
Ken: You’re too easily scared, boys!
J-Man & Ace in UniSon: Jesus!
Ken: *opens the window for Spidey and yells to Matt* Yo Matt. Ace comes down and helps you.
Matt: Great.

Ace: What is this?
Matt: Surprise.
Ace: A lot of surprise.
Matt: Hope your office is big enough for it.
Ace: What is it?
Matt: Patience.
Ace: You’re like a mean Father Christmas.
Matt: Thank you.
Ken: What the hell!
Matt: Surprise.
J-Man: What is it?
Ace: Patience.
J-Man: We all know that’s my middle name.
Ace: No it isn’t. I know for a fact that you have two middle names and Patience isn’t one of them.
Ken: What are they?
J-Man: Not telling.
Ken: Excuse me, Mr I’ve told everybody Ken is a former mili-man?
J-Man: Oh…
Spidey: Come on! We’ll just ask your InBox!
J-Man: What?
Matt: Nothing! Spidey’s rambling. It’s cold outside. Look what he’s wearing – tights and all.
Ace: And you’re orange.
Spidey: I know, okay! It wasn’t my choice. I came with this colour!
J-Man: What?
Matt: Sssshhhh!
Ken: Who’s the oldest here?
Matt: It’s either you or me.
Ken: Me, then. I decide that we cook, eat, drink and go for the entertainment. In that order.
Ace: But what’s in the bags?
Ken: Are we back to Patience?
J-Man: Hey, my middle…
Ace: I vote for drinks and beers stat.
Everybody in UniSon: Agreed!

Ken: This is awful!
Matt: Agree. Hit me again.
Ace: Hey, nice one. A bit sweet but all in all nice.
J-Man: Can I have another beer?
Ace: You gotta try the daiquiri with cookie dough.
J-Man: No. No I don’t. But you can beer me up.
Ken: Here you go, J-Man.
J-Man: Why do you all call me that?
Matt: What? Patience?
Spidey: Ha ha ha!
J-Man: My middle name…
Ace: How many beers have you had? You’re talking non stop.
J-Man: I know!
Ken: Hey, leave J-Man alone. Nobody’s counting tonight.
J-Man: Exactly. And you can call me J.
Ken: J-Man?
J-Man: I don’t get it. Why do you all insist on calling me…hey, is that a flexi…
Spidey: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Matt: Oh, I have to make a phone call.
Ace: Don’t keep us in the dark!
Matt: Just calling home.
Ace: Not you! J, what is it?
J-Man: And they call you Ace. When did you become so cool that you could be nicknamed Ace?
Ace: About the same time when you earned the J-Man nickname.
J-Man: I don’t get it.
Spidey: Because you’re drunk! Have another. Before we eat dinner.
Ken: Right, dinner! Somebody set the table!
Ace: The army brat has spoken.
Ken: Excuse me?
Ace: Nothing! Ssshhhh, J!
J-Man: This is great beer.

Matt: Hi.
FridayNext: Hello.
Matt: Okay?
FridayNext: Okay.
Matt: Want me to come home?
FridayNext: No.
Matt: Whatcha doing?
FridayNext: Getting ready for bed.
Matt: It’s not even 6 pm yet.
FridayNext: Sorry.
Matt: Hon, perhaps the medication…
FridayNext: Have fun, yeah? And kiss Spidey for me.
Matt: Really rather not.
FridayNext: Kiss.
Matt: Kiss.

Spidey: How is she?
Ace: Who? There’s a woman around?
J-Man: *giggles*
Ken: Not sure if that sounded scared or desperate, Ace.
Ace: Nothing scares me. I’m Mr Big Banana, remember?
Spidey: Oh my gawd! How well do you know Matt?
Matt: Shut up!
J-Man: For unknown reasons that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all night.
Ken: J-Man, you’re a bit tipsy. Let’s sit down for dinner.

The beef is tender. The wine is great. The conversation is…not at all intellectual.

Spidey: You’re full of it!
Ken: No I’m not!
Matt: I beg to differ!
J-Man: Shut up everybody.
Gasp of silence
J-Man: Sorry.
Ace: That was so cool! You should be drunk more often.
J-Man: Thank you!
Ken: The point is…I can beat the crap out of every single one of you. One hand tied to my back.
Spidey: You’re asking for it!

Spidey shoots out his strings and webs Ken. Big time. Everybody giggles, including Ken.

Ken: I love it!
Ace: Oh oh oh! Kinky stuff!
Spidey: Ewwww. Don’t abuse my web, man.
J-Man: What?
Spidey: What?
J-Man: Yes?
Spidey: What are you on about?
J-Man: Weren’t you talking to me?
Spidey: Ace, keep the beers away from J-Man.
J-Man: Hey, are you talking to me?
Matt: *giggles* And how do you like them green apples?
Ken: How come I’m not plastered at all?
Ace: You’re the adult one. We’re just kids.
Ken: Oh.
Matt: This is great beef, Ken.
Ken: Thanks.
Ace: Yeah. It’s great. So much better than poultry.
Spidey: Wait, Ace is not making any sense.
J-Man: He is to me.
Spidey: Aaaaah, you wanna maaaaarrrrrryyyyyyy him? Kissy kissy kissy!
J-Man: Perhaps I do. Kissy kissy kissy.
Ace: You’re def too drunk, J! Stop it before I hurt you.
J-Man: Right. Sorry. Office romance just sucks. It begins in a nice way and it just goes downhill.
Ace: Ken, sober him up!
Spidey: Oh J-Man. Oh Ace. Oh crap! Matt, I forgot to call.
Matt: Did it already.
Ace: Call who?
Ken: Look, I’m as stuffed as I can be. I vote for Spidey and Ace to do the dishes.
Ace & Spidey in UniSon: Unfair!
Ken: Three against two. The majority has spoken. Let’s break for dishes and siesta.
Spidey: Hey, conga lines, Matt.
Matt: HA HA HA!
Ace: What?
Spidey & Matt in UniSon: Oh sorry. Just…it’s all about the colour green.
J-Man: And the room is spinning a bit so I’ll just…for a while…