Public Statement

We are abhorred! We are flabbergasted! We are humiliated beyond self-control. When we invited the Guest Speaker over, we had no idea that she would smudge our precious and puritan blog with lurid comments and explicit sex scenes. We do not condone contents like that. We believe in the virtue of family values, non sexual banter and Christian friendship.

Spidey: Oh please! Who are you trying to fool here?

Apparently one of the cast members has come down with a bad case of laryngitis (took three dictionaries to spell that correctly!) so he won’t be able to participate in today’s entry.

Spidey: Shut up! I can speak whenever I want to. And where’s my food? I asked for a sandwich like five hours ago!
Matt: At least you’re not written in as a mama’s boy who will go to any length to get the attention of a sheep. What the hell happened to my brilliant career?
Spidey: Matt, they put me in an orange costume. ORANGE. How uncool is that? Come on, it’s not like chicks dig orange.
Matt: At least they give you some great lines.
Spidey: Yeah, some of your lines are really lame. But you get groped a lot by UniCorn and she’s hot.
Matt: And taken. Tried to chat her up in her dressing room but she ignored me.
VoiceOver: This is getting out of hand. I need damage control. Stat! Please remember that we produce spotless entertainment. The audience is only interested in the squeaky clean image!
FridayNext: I’m gonna kill the script writers! As if it’s not enough that I appear to be this moronic self-centred obsessed green sheep with the IQ of a caterpillar, now I’m medicated as well? How come I wasn’t the lead in the guest speaker’s entry? That would have been great, snogging and groping. Would have been a nice change instead of pining after a man who’s so not into me. Why is she supposed to like him anyway? I mean, it’s not like he looks anything like Jake Gyllenhaal.
VoiceOver: Gyllenhaal declined, remember? You were all over him at his audition and he backed down even when we offered him a multi-gazillion dollar deal. That’s how clingy you were!
FridayNext: Oh. Right.

Matt: How can I have conversations with an inbox? Whoever invented that character? J-Man’s inbox…yeah, that’s likely.
Ace: Why doesn’t my inbox have a crush on me?
Matt: As if the plot isn’t cuckoo enough, Ace!
Ace: I’m just saying that if this world is pretend, why not get the best out of it?
J-Man: It’s tiresome always to be the sex god.
Ace: Oh is that hard on you?
J-Man: Everywhere I go, people ask me to strip. Yeah, I’d say it’s a bit tiresome.
Ace: I don’t mind. I willingly strip whenever people ask me to.
J-Man: But then you’re a jock and used to run around half naked anyway.
Ace: Healthy mind in a healthy body, man.
J-Man: Ace, you’re the focal attention of a SHEEP! How healthy is that?!
Ace: As long as it puts bread on the butter.
J-Man: Or the other way around.
Ace: Hey, who’s writing these lines? I’m supposed to be the clever one here!
J-Man: The script writers are slacking off.
Ace: Yeah.
J-Man: And what’s with: J-Man doesn’t speak much! That’s bollocks. I speak. Incessantly.
Ace: That’s a clever word. It should have been me saying that!
J-Man: You can have it. I’ve done using it now.
FridayNext: Oi!
J-Man: Oi yourself. Goaway!
FridayNext: Yeah, as if I’ll obey you. Anyway, not talking to you, WonderMan.
J-Man: Shesh…
FridayNext: Over here, Uni!
UniCorn: What’s up?
FridayNext: The producers flipped over yesterday’s entry.
UniCorn: Oh, I haven’t read it yet. Is it any good?
FridayNext: We’re not in it.
UniCorn: What?!
J-Man: Stop groping me! If you do it one more time, I’ll tell the producers!
FridayNext: Oh chill, will ya? As if I’d grope you on purpose. You’re just not that hot, hon.
J-Man: And stop hon-eying me. It’s sexual harassment.
FridayNext: I’ll give you sexual harassment!
UniCorn: Hey, focus on me, please. Why wasn’t I in yesterday’s entry?
Ace: Somebody was invited in to tell a story and she opted for a personal sexual encounter.
UniCorn: Was it dirty?
FridayNext: Not at all. You and I have had dirtier talks in the middle of the night.
Spidey: You’re disgusting!
FridayNext & UniCorn in UniSon: Shut up!
Spidey: You’re so sex fixated.
FridayNext: So some of us have a libido…
J-Man: …in overdrive. Get it fixed!
UniCorn: Oh you’re asking for it, J-Man!
FridayNext: Are you taking me on? Because if you are, I’m willing to kick your scrawny butt big time.
Ace: Hey! Everybody, chill. Okay? It’s been a frustrating day…how about I mix us all some drinks?
Matt: FINALLY!
UniCorn: Drinks?
FridayNext: While you were out, Ace told us all that he bartended his way through university.
UniCorn: You’re kidding?
Ace: No, could fix you the best cosmo you’ve ever had.
UniCorn: Really? Keep ‘em coming!
J-Man: I’ll get my turntables.
FridayNext: Do you have Nine Inch Nails?
J-Man: You always ask me that. What do I usually reply?
FridayNext: No. But perhaps you…
J-Man: No.
FridayNext: Just in case…
J-Man: No!
UniCorn: Hey Matt, wanna dance?
Matt: Sure!
UniCorn: J-Man, make it a slow one!
Matt: Score!
FridayNext: What about me?
J-Man: The DJ can’t leave the turntables!
Ace: The bartender can’t leave the bar!
Spidey: If you come one step closer, I’ll string you!
FridayNext: Aaaoouuggghhhhh!

Damage control is under way. One thing is for sure: United we stand, divided we fall.
Or something like that.