Happy Birthday Honey

We’re running around like headless chickens. The boys are not used to being up this early. It’s not even 7 yet. Spidey is pounding on the bathroom door, but I haven’t finished brushing my teeth. Matt growls in the kitchen. Apparently somebody forgot to buy coffee when we last shopped for necessities. We’ve been planning the day for weeks and still we seem to go about it all wrong.

Matt: Get out of my way!
Spidey: Chill, dude!
Matt: Don’t you start with me!
FridayNext: I can’t see! Where’re my contacts?
Spidey: Why the hell would we know?
FridayNext: Oh…found them.
Matt: Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!
Spidey: I wish this day was over.
FridayNext: No! It’s going to be the best day ever! She’ll be so surprised!
Spidey: Why? She knows it’s her birthday. We’re bound to spring a surprise on her somehow.
Matt: MOVE IT!
FridayNext: You’re so bossy…
Matt: Unless you tell me that you love me, shut up, Friday!
Spidey & FridayNext in UniSon: *sucking in air in surprise*
Matt: You heard me, bitches. We’re late!

One of us throws a fit when one of us realises that we are taking public transport and not my bike. One of us goes a bit ballistic in public to the amusement of a gang of Arab boys that are passing. Another one of us slaps me and I shut up for 5 minutes. Or at least until we get off the bus.

Spidey: *checking the contents of the bags* Bread, butter, cheese, jam, Danish.
Matt: If they don’t have coffee…
Spidey: I’m hungry!
Matt: Are we there yet?
FridayNext: Five more minutes.
Spidey: Jesus, we’ve been walking like for ever!
FridayNext: Or at least for three minutes…

We try to keep down the noise when we stumble up all the stairs to their penthouse. It dawns on me that we both live in a penthouse. Oh my gawd, that must be significant for some reason I just can’t think up at the moment.

At first I tap the door gently. Nothing happens. Then I tap a bit harder. Absolutely nothing. Spidey loses his patience and knocks hard on the door. Still nothing. This can’t be right! So both Spidey and Matt pound the door for a minute. Finally we hear shuffling feet. When the door opens, we all yell SURPRISE and sing happy birthday.

To ChessBoy who stands in the door fully naked with a drowsy smile.

Spidey: WHOA!
Matt: Cover up the boys!
FridayNext: AAAHHHHH!
ChessBoy: Oh, sorry. What are you doing here?
FridayNext: Where’s Uni?
ChessBoy: She’s gone to the library.
Spidey: I’m sorry but I’m hungry and I need a sugar rush NOW.

Spidey marches in and almost tilts over ChessBoy on his way. I explain about the surprise while Matt pushes me forward.

Matt: Do you have any coffee, C?
ChessBoy: I doubt it.
Matt: AAAAHHHHHHHHH!
FridayNext: *looks surprised at Matt*
Matt: I need caffeine.
FridayNext: We could go to the library and surprise her there.
ChessBoy: Good idea! She’ll be really surprised to see you all there.
Spidey: *gulfing down a Danish* I’m not going anywhere. I’m hanging out with C today.
ChessBoy: Really?
Spidey: Sure, dude.
ChessBoy: Dude. Ha ha!
Spidey: We brought enough breakfast for an army. Dig in, C.

They go into the living room but Matt and I stay put in the hallway. I can’t make up my mind. I could so do with a sugar rush as well. Matt taps my shoulder.

Matt: On our way to the library we could get a cup of coffee. That way we’ll all be happy.

I guess he’s right. I want to surprise Uni and I bet she’d love it if I brought Matt along… So back on the bus in rush hour traffic and it just doesn’t get any better than that. After three cups of coffee at a nearby café, we skedaddle into the library. Matt is no longer talking about taking hostages if his demands aren’t met. I realise that I like him a lot better when he’s not moody and volatile. Only I can be charming when moody and volatile.

Matt scans the room and almost immediately sees her. He points me in the direction. I am so hyper with excitement. She’ll be so surprised that she’ll explode! I sneak up on her from the back. There are post-its, biros and papers in front of her. Her laptop is switched off. She has a huge bag of sweets in front of her. She’s munching and writing down notes on a piece of paper. She is so concentrated that I almost feel sorry for shocking her…

FridayNext: SURPRISE! IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!
UniCorn: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Her long red hair flows in the air when she jumps from the chair. I can’t stop laughing. She looks so funny, spooked and close to heart attack. Oh it’s payback from all her jokes about my height. Gotcha, honey!

FridayNext: Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuni, Happy Birthday to you. I love you. I love you! I love you!!!!!
UniCorn: Keep it down. Everybody’s looking!
FridayNext: Oh Ennis, come into the teeeeeent. I’m waiiiiiiiiiting…
UniCorn: I’m so paying back one day, Fri!

But she’s smiling alright. We hug and then we dance the penguin dance with bums out, arms outstretched and kooky sounds coming out of our mouths. A librarian is heading our way…

FridayNext: Look who’s here!

Matt steps forward and – lo and behold – stretches out his arms and Uni walks straight into a big warm hug. Awwwww – and then she ruins it all by groping his bum just in case she never gets the chance again, and Matt squeals from surprise.

UniCorn: Oops, sorry, Matt. My hand slipped. Maaah haaaah.
Librarian: You need to keep it down.
UniCorn: Sorry. We’ll be quiet now.

The librarian walks away and we persuade Matt to do the penguin dance with us – in silence this time. Uni and I giggle and Matt tries to look like he’s an innocent bystander who’s been dragged in by the freaks. The librarian is sending us a mean look from across the room. We munch some of her sweets and do loud sign language to make sure that we’re still on for fun time later today.

CRASH

We turn around and see that a huge window has been smashed. On the floor are Spidey and ChessBoy. Spidey gets up before the librarian realises what has happened. He holds up his arms.

Spidey: I’m alright. Nobody’s hurt. We’re fine.

The librarian is not sure what to do. She is on her way over to Spidey but changes direction when she sees that Spidey and ChessBoy are heading our way.

Spidey: Happy Birthday, Uni.

Even Spidey stretches out his arms and hugs Uni without force. She knows better than to grope him, though. ChessBoy stands next to her and smiles his cunning smile.

Librarian: Are these…people…any of your associates?
UniCorn: Yeah.
Librarian: I have to ask you to leave. Now!
UniCorn: They’re very sorry about the window. They’ll pay for it…
Librarian: Now, please. I’ve never in my time seen behaviour like this!
UniCorn: Chill, lady, okay?

CENSORED

Not even a birthday UniCorn can have all her wishes come true and now she’s banned from the library for life.

Happy Birthday, UniCorn!