Hanging with the Boys

Spidey: You’re so screwed, dude!
Matt: What are you on about?

They eat breakfast. It’s the first time they’ve been up before 9 am. Matt pours coffee into his cup. Spidey holds out his cup for a refill.

Spidey: I know all about it. And you’re screwed.
Matt: *sips his coffee, looks away from Spidey* I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Spidey: When are you having lunch with MumNext?
Matt: Shit!
Spidey: Gotcha!

Spidey smears butter on his piece of toast and then layers it with peanut butter and crunched chocolate chip cookies. He smears another piece of toast with a thick layer of butter and turns it into a sandwich. Matt observes in silence.

Spidey: So. You’re gonna meet your mum-in-law soon.
Matt: You’ll die of a heart attack.
Spidey: Me? I’m as fit as they come, dude.
Matt: I dare you to take a bite.
Spidey: No need to dare me. I’m gonna eat it alright.

He takes one bite and chews. He rolls his eyes in enjoyment, takes another bite and smacks his lips.

Spidey: This is beyond good.
Matt: You’ll still die.
Spidey: Of course. So will you.

Matt pours milk on his cereals. Spidey keeps smacking his lips in delight.

Matt: You’re not fitter than me.
Spidey: Sorry, you were saying?
Matt: You heard me.
Spidey: Are you challenging me?
Matt: No, I’m just saying that you’re not as fit as me.
Spidey: You’re challenging me!
Matt: *looking Spidey straight into his eyes* So what if I am?
Spidey: You’re on! Name your weapon.
Matt: What?
Spidey: I don’t know. What do men normally say when they challenge each other?
Matt: Something less medieval probably.

Spidey sighs and gulps down the rest of his sandwich. He burps. Matt giggles.

Spidey: Nice one.
Matt: Yup.
Spidey: We know that you can’t climb a wall so that’s not a challenge.
Matt: I need a motorcycle.
Spidey: *surprised* What for?
Matt: The challenge. I bet I can drive against traffic, up flights of stairs, downhill a dirt road and not fall off.
Spidey: *smirking* You or a stuntman?
Matt: What are you saying?
Spidey: You’re not an action hero, bud. Let’s find something less painful.
Matt: Jumping from a rooftop into a flat.
Spidey: Look, I don’t know what you’re bleating about…
Matt: *giggling*
Spidey: What? Oh. Friday. Ha ha. Yeah, that’s funny.
Matt: *smiling*
Spidey: I can do the roof thing. You can’t. You’ll still need a stuntman.
Matt: Water. I’ll jump from a 10 storey building into ice cold water and see how long it’ll take me to surface. I’ll hold my breath for as long as I can.
Spidey: *looking at Matt with scepticism* This isn’t about the challenge, is it?
Matt: *avoiding Spidey’s eyes* Sure it is.
Spidey: No, you just want to get hurt.
Matt: *grimacing* Nooooh…
Spidey: I’m right! You’re into pain! Disgusting!
Matt: Not like that.
Spidey: *shielding his ears with his hands* I don’t want to hear about it! Lah lah lah lah!
Matt: Get a grip! It’s not like that.
Spidey: I was THIS close to receiving uploaded images, dude. Don’t EVER do this to me again.
Matt: You’re so immature.
Spidey: Lah lah lah lah!
Matt: Shut up! I figure that if I get hurt a bit, then Friday won’t be too upset with me when she hears about my lunch with her mother.
Spidey: Oh!
Matt: I go for the sympathy card.
Spidey: Oooh!
Matt: If I’m hurt, she’ll nurse me back to health and she’ll forget about me meeting with her mother.
Spidey: Great plan! But you’re forgetting one thing.
Matt: What?
Spidey: She’s really not that into you.
Matt: Hmmm. Me thinks there’s a flaw in my plan.
Spidey: You’re such a girl at times!
Matt: Dammit!
Spidey: For fuck’s sakes! Swear like a man!
Matt: Wait…if I do something for her and get hurt while doing it, then she’ll forgive me, right?
Spidey: Depends on what…lah lah lah lah!
Matt: Nothing sexual. Something she’ll really appreciate!
Spidey: Easy. Clean her bike.
Matt: *smiling broadly* You’re a genius!
Spidey: Except that you don’t get hurt.
Matt: Dammit!
Spidey: *shaking his head*
Matt: Perhaps I don’t need to get hurt. I mean, she really loves that stupid bike and she says it could do with a good clean.
Spidey: Why does somebody as sloppy as her buy a white bike?
Matt: Beats me. But I would have to clean it today.
Spidey: She took the bike to work today.
Matt: Yeah…
Spidey: So you’re gonna see her mother tomorrow?
Matt: Yeah…
Spidey: Okay. Get dressed. I’ll take us cross-city.
Matt: Kickin’!
Spidey: Still girlie, friend.

Matt: You’re groping me!
Spidey: The pleasure is not mine!
Matt: Can’t we just…
Spidey: I need to hold onto you. Do you think it’s great to be dropped from this height?
Matt: *looking down*
Spidey: Don’t look down!
Matt: I’m gonna throw up!
Spidey: We’re almost there. Look up.
Matt: Hey, a seagull…
Spidey: There’s the school. Can you see the bike?
Matt: She usually parks it…there it is! Over there.
Spidey: Great. This time, don’t put your feet on the ground until I tell you to!
Matt: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Spidey: Sorry. Crash landing. Alright?
Matt: Wait…my heart is not sure if it should continue beating…
Spidey: *mumbling* Such a girl…

They stand next to the bike and realise that it is locked and chained in all possible ways. And it’s beyond dirty with grime.

Spidey: *shaking his head* Man, how can she ride it looking like that.
Matt: We have two choices: one is to find her office and steal the keys. The other is to abort mission and find something else to do for her.
Spidey: Her boss is…
Matt: I don’t want to meet her boss.
Spidey: Chill, man. I was just saying that her boss is…
Matt: Right. Let’s find her office.

Matt marches into the school and ignores the students. He asks for directions while Spidey lingers in the hallway.

Matt: Top floor.
Spidey: I know. I’ve been here before, y’know.
Matt: Only from the outside.
Spidey: Lead the way then.

They find the floor and close in on the offices. Voices can be heard.

Spidey: Well, we could just follow Friday’s voice. She yammers on as usual.
Matt: Male voices as well.
Spidey: Mmm.
Matt: Wait!
Spidey: What? Can’t we just sneak in and steal the freakin’ keys? I’m beginning to get bored with this mission.
Matt: Listen!

FridayNext: This is UniCorn. She’s temping.
UniCorn: Hi! You must be *giggling* Ace?

Spidey & Matt in UniSon: For fuck’s sakes!

Ace: Hello.
FridayNext: And this is J-Man.
Silence
UniCorn: Hi J-Man.
Silence
FridayNext: I still haven’t figured out which button to press, but I’ve heard him speak at other meetings.
UniCorn & J-Man in UniSon: *giggle*

Matt: For fuck’s sakes!
Spidey: We need to get out of here.
Matt: For fuck’s sakes!
Spidey: Come on.
Matt: For fuck’s sakes!
Spidey: *pushing Matt* Move!
Matt: I want to see him.
Spidey: No you don’t.
Matt: Oh yes I do.
Spidey: I’m sorry.
Matt: What for?
Spidey: *punches Matt and knocks him out*

When Matt comes to, he’s on the sofa at home. He’s bruised and his face is sore. Spidey sits in the armchair and watches him.

Matt: That hurt, bud!
Spidey: The good news is that you’re hurt. She’ll forgive you anything now.
Matt: I can’t believe she had a f*cking meeting with that man!
Spidey: It’s work.
FridayNext: *yelling* Hi guys. I’m home.
Spidey: *yelling* Friday, come quickly!
Spidey: *To Matt* She’ll be all over you, man.

FridayNext runs into the living room and sees Matt.

FridayNext: Oh sweetie! What happened! You’re hurt!
Matt: *mumbling* Oh it’s nothing…
FridayNext: Lie down. Oh sweetie…

Matt catches a glimpse of Spidey’s devilish smile. Behind FridayNext’s back, Matt shows thumbs up to Spidey.