Dating Tips

Spidey: Today I am going to teach you about dating.
FridayNext: Alright! Super-score!
Spidey: First: lose that attitude.
FridayNext: Aaaoouuugggghhhh!
Spidey: And that.
FridayNext: What?
Spidey: It’s off putting.
FridayNext: NOOOOOOO!
Spidey: Who’s the expert in men?
FridayNext: But Uni likes the sounds.
Spidey: Would you like to date Uni?
FridayNext: *giggles and blushes*
Spidey: I don’t want to know!
FridayNext: She does have a fab cleavage.
Spidey: *sends FN a concerned look*
FridayNext: But I like men. Manly men with hands, teeth and eyes. And a voice. I like voices. I like it a lot when they speak to me. Whether it’s on the phone or face to face. I like face…
Spidey: Shut up!
FridayNext: Sorry.
Spidey: This is exactly one of your problems. You talk too much.
FridayNext: Really?
Spidey: Don’t interrupt.
FridayNext: Sorry.
Spidey: *sighing* One. Two. Three. Four.
FridayNext: *mumbling* I said I was sorry.
Spidey: A man likes to believe he’s in control. When you yammer on constantly, you never give him a chance to get to know you at his own speed.
FridayNext: But usually they don’t ask me. They just talk about themselves. Then I have to point out who I am.
Spidey: How long do you let them talk about themselves?
FridayNext: For hours!
Spidey: Be honest.
FridayNext: I get bored if they haven’t asked about me within fifteen minutes. They drone on and on about themselves. Their work or football – snoreville! I don’t want to hear about sports!
Spidey: Who won US Open…
FridayNext: Henin! She’s amazing! For such a tiny woman, she’s a mean player. Did you see the semi-final? Oh my gawd! She kicked some butt, I tell you!
Spidey: So you’re into tennis – for some odd reason. This is how many men feel like; it’s just about football and not tennis.
FridayNext: *snorts* But football! How Neanderthal is that!
Spidey: You really need to lose the attitude, Fri.
FridayNext: But Matt doesn’t like football.
Spidey: Because?
FridayNext: He’s got better taste than that.
Spidey: No. Because?
FridayNext: I’m getting bored with this game now.
Spidey: You made him up! Of course he’s not into football. My bet is that he loves tennis if you ask him. Let’s…forget about sports.
FridayNext: Fine.
Spidey: FINE. Sorry.
FridayNext: S’alright.
Spidey: To attract a man you should be demure.
FridayNext: De…excuse me?
Spidey: Demure. Reserved. Shy.
FridayNext: HA HA HA!
Spidey: I’m serious. A knight in shining armour needs to feel chivalrous and you take that away from him when you bulldoze him.
FridayNext: Honey, I’ve never met a man who’d like to be my knight in shining armour. I’m just not built for men like that. If they don’t take action, I do. Why wait around? Sometimes it takes them yonks and yonks to decide whether they want to ask me out. I can’t wait for that!
Spidey: Demure.
FridayNext: Demure my behind! Look, I’d rather ask a man out and be told no immediately. At least I won’t pine for weeks or months.
Spidey: *shaking his head* You are so full of it!
FridayNext: No I’m not. It’s like removing a band aid. Quickly and painful for a few seconds, then it’s alright.
Spidey: Be demure, for fuck’s sakes! Men like to get a word in edgeways, and if their topics bore you, go into snooze mode. It’s what we do with women.
FridayNext: I knew it!
Spidey: And you shouldn’t blurt out your opinions. It scares us.
FridayNext: So now I can’t speak?
Spidey: Of course you can. Just choose light topics, be withdrawn and let the man lead you through the date.
FridayNext: Jesus, what century are we talking about?
Spidey: Look at Uni.
FridayNext: God, I would if she were here!
Spidey: She’s with ChessBoy.
FridayNext: Mmm.
Spidey: She plays him like a fiddle.
FridayNext: That she does. She’s very good at it as well.
Spidey: Without being animated or bossy.
FridayNext: So now I’m bossy as well?
Spidey: Well, yeah.
FridayNext: So basically I just have to reinvent myself into a person that’s the opposite of FridayNext. Then I will be great dating material and men will like me.
Spidey: Exactly.
FridayNext: But I like who I am.
Spidey: So do I. But men…are different.
FridayNext: You’re a beta version.
Spidey: Yeah.
FridayNext: I’m gonna puke now.
Spidey: It’s not that bad, Fri.
FridayNext: No, seriously. I’m gonna throw up. I think it’s the medication. I feel sick.
Spidey: Don’t aim at me!
FridayNext: Sorry!