Damage Control – This is Not a Drill

Air. I need air. I’m freaked out. Of course it’s pouring down. My bike is about to drown in the parking lot.

FridayNext: Look, I just need to go…
TheBoss: *smirking* Another “I left the iron on” emergency?
FridayNext: *mumbling* Something like that.

I pedal like mad. At each junction, I text UniCorn. Absolutely no freakin’ answer from her. My lungs are bursting. Why doesn’t she reply? This is the worst-case-scenario EVAH! It’s taking forever to get to her place.

I run up the stairs and wheeze all the way. In a very non-sexy way. The-wheeze-doorbell-wheeze. I press it and don’t remove my finger. Finally the door opens.

FridayNext: What took you so lo…
Silence
FridayNext: Matt?

He stands in the doorway with a tool belt around his hips. He has a hammer in his left hand.

Matt: Hi Sweetie…
FridayNext: I don’t want to know.
Matt: She needed a spice rack in the kitchen, and she asked me if I could…
FridayNext: Whatever. Where is she?

I storm in and immediately see her in the living room.

UniCorn: Fri? What’s up?
FridayNext: Disaster! That’s what’s up!
UniCorn: I only asked if he could drill a couple of holes in the wall in the kitchen.
FridayNext: Who cares about Matt! This is serious!
UniCorn: What?
FridayNext: He knows.
UniCorn: Who?
FridayNext: *gesturing wildly with both hands and arms*
UniCorn: You need to use words for this.
FridayNext: HIM! They…both of them, probably!
UniCorn: Backtrack.
FridayNext: Office.
UniCorn: Right.
FridayNext: Lunch.
UniCorn: Right.
FridayNext: And then…the end of the world.
UniCorn: *sighing* Still not clear what you’re on about, sweets.
FridayNext: Look, there’s no going back. They know. And my reputation is ruined.
Matt: Uni, is there anything else you need done?
UniCorn: Lots!
FridayNext: What?!
UniCorn: No thank you, Matt. It’s very sweet of you to help me.
Matt: Right. I’ll ask ChessBoy if he wants to go out for a beer or somethin’.
UniCorn: Okay.
FridayNext: ChessBoy is home and yet you ask Matt to do your handy work?
UniCorn: Hello! Have you met ChessBoy?!
FridayNext: Right. Sorry. It’s just this mess, y’know.
UniCorn: I’m still not clear what the hell you’re talking about. Someone found out about something and suddenly your life is ruined.
FridayNext: Ace.
UniCorn: Oh, Renaissance Man and the Cleverest Man who ever lived.
FridayNext: It’s true. He is! How the freakin’ hell did he figure all this out?
UniCorn: Well, for somebody who’s apparently destined to win every Nobel Prize…
FridayNext: *hysterical* Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You’re not helping!
UniCorn: I’m so close to slapping you, woman! So he figured out who you really are. So big deal. It’s not like…oh.

FridayNext stares at UniCorn who gradually realises the implications.

UniCorn: OH! Honey, I’m so sorry!
FridayNext: I want to die.
UniCorn: Of course you don’t. You’re too much into teeth, hands and eyes for that.
Matt & ChessBoy in UniSon: We’re off. See you later.
FridayNext: I wanna be like the boys. They have it so easy.
UniCorn: *sarcastically* Yeah, no pressure on them. They just need to stay buff, know how to work power tools, always be able to pick us up when we fall and still make oodles of money. Piece of cake.
FridayNext: At least they make it look easy…
UniCorn: Sweetie, I’m sure this is not the end of the world. They’re the coolest guys in the world, right?
FridayNext: You think?
UniCorn: You need to work with me here. I don’t know them. But they sound cool. They looked cool at the meeting.
FridayNext: Right.
UniCorn: So they’re fine with being…exposed…like this…

I look at her and she tries to look convincing. Without a word we agree to fake optimism.

FridayNext: I better get home. Spidey said he’d cook tonight.
UniCorn: Oh joy! He’ll serve popcorn and peanut butter sandwiches.
FridayNext: I hope so.
UniCorn: Bye sweetie. See you at work tomorrow.
FridayNext: Bye.

At home Spidey opens the front door before I find my keys. He’s smiling.

Spidey: Hey, there you are! What took you so long! Come on in, it’s dinner time!
FridayNext: Uni texted you!
Spidey: What if she did? There’s popcorn and peanut butter and…wait for it…nougat! And to top it off, I’ve popped Brokeback Mountain in the dvd player. Who’s ready for a great evening? High 5, Fri!

Note from the Author:
No power tools were harmed in this entry